This is taken from an article from thirty years ago that I cut and pasted together to fit today’s government and military. I hope you enjoy…
It is the
year 2027, and a top-secret meeting is going on at the White House…
“What do
you have for us?”
President
Brandon asks Admiral Drag Queen, chairperson of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
“It is
not good news, Mr. President,”
… Admiral Drag Queen reports ...
“One hour
ago, India and Pakistan exchanged nuclear warheads. Delhi and Karachi have been
obliterated.”
“Anything
else?”
… President
Brandon asks while stifling a yawn …
“Forty-five
minutes ago, Israel was attacked by Scud missiles carrying deadly
concentrations of VX nerve gas. The damage is extensive. And 30 minutes ago,
China took out the island of Oahu, including the city of Honolulu, with nuclear-armed
cruise missiles launched from one of its newest submarines.”
“Do you know
aloha means hello and goodbye?”
… President
Brandon says, smiling …
“I
learned that yesterday.”
Admiral Drag
Queen clears her throat …
“Fifteen
minutes ago, the European Union moved huge numbers of its troops into the
Ukraine. Russia is responding as we speak with chemical, biological and nuclear
attacks on all our NATO allies. The alliance is in tatters.”
“Finally,
we get to do things our own way.”
… The
president says.
“Mr.
President,”
… Interjects
Ned Truth, director of the FBI,
“Domestic
terrorism continues at a high rate. Last night some powerful bombs exploded in
downtown shopping districts in Chicago, New York, and Los Angeles. White
Supremacy is our greatest threat!”
“Speaking
of terrorism,” says Regina Sweetness, director of the CIA, “we lost track of
ten tons of plutonium that were being shipped to the U.S. from Ukraine, and
the Jalisco Cartel has been known to be hoarding 16 hydrogen bombs and an
Aurora II aircraft-delivery system, is on the loose again somewhere in Latin
America.”
There is
silence in the room as the news Is considered. Then President Brandon speaks up
…
“Is that
it? Don’t we have any problems besides this boring stuff?”
Army
General Jack Pansy Ass raises his hand …
“I
thought you would never ask,” he says. “First of all, God bless you, Mr.
President.”
“And God
bless you, General.”
“Mr.
President, | am handing you files on the Army’s top leadership excluding myself
with the suggestion that these people be relieved of command immediately.”
“For what
cause, General?”
“Sir, all
of these men and women, though good warriors have committed some kind of indiscretion
against Democracy.”
“Consider
it done, General.”
… Says
President Brandon ...
“We can't
have bad people leading us.”
… He
pauses …
“Well,
we'll have to rely on the Navy. What is your readiness status, Admiral Drag
Queen?
The
admiral blushes…
“Mr.
President, the Navy is undermanned and we need money.”
“What?”
… The
President exclaims …
“The Navy
is unavailable.”
President
Brandon turns to Air Force General Michael Inclusiveness …
“What
about you and your troops, Mike?”
“Mr.
President, before I answer that, I have just been handed the news that Istanbul,
Turkey has been destroyed by a space-based weapons system.”
“I
understand,” says the President, “but what is the Air Force's DEI status,
General Inclusiveness?”
“I guess
you don’t remember, sir. Executive Order 6969. Otherwise known as the ‘Flyboys
Can’t Be Pie Boys and Fly chicks Can’t Be Quick-Fixed’ decision.”
“I signed
that document,”
… The
president says …
“Executive
Order 6969 says that any personnel who do not fit in the parameters of Diversity,
Equity or Inclusiveness are to be grounded until further notice.”
“Yes,
sir,’
… General Inclusiveness says…
“But
there was also Subparagraph Four of that order, which wiped us out.”
“The ‘No
White Male clause? The ‘No Conservative’ priority?”
… President
Brandon asks ...
“That
section grounded most of the Air Force?”
“Yes,
sir.”
President
Brandon glowers in frustration….
“All
right, where is the commandant of the Marine Corps? General Fidelis will take
care of our problems immediately, if not sooner.”
“Sir,
there are no more Marines!”
… Reginald
Integrity, the National Security Advisor, discloses…
“We had
to disband them.”
“The
leathernecks? Disbanded?”
“Yes, Sir.
Remember the Schroeder- Steinem-MacKinnon Report? It said all Marines are bad
people, by definition. The USMC was classified as the most sexist, racist,
fascist, and horniest military service, bar none. So you said it had to go.”
President
Brandon stares out the window at the Rose Garden for a moment …
“Ladies
and gentlemen,” he says, “we need highly progressive military leadership. So
let me show you my role model for the ideal commander.”
There is
a gasp in the room as the president holds up a large photograph of a well-known
historical figure …
“This man
was as pure as the driven snow in all the ways that matter.”
… The
president says ...
“He was a
vegetarian. He was basically nonsexual. And this is the key: He was totally
faithful to his wife during their marriage. This man should be our symbol of
a most progressive military command.”
Reginald
Integrity frowns ...
“Mr.
President, that man didn't marry his mistress until World War Two was ending.
The wedding was held in an underground bunker in Berlin. The next day, he and
his bride committed suicide before the Russians could get to them. He never
even had time to cheat on his wife.”
“Well,
Reggie, you may have me on a technicality, but you'll have to admit that for
whatever reason, this guy never committed adultery.”
… President Brandon says while smiling ...
“And when
it comes to the highest standards of military leadership, that is the only
thing that counts.”
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