“At Sea With The Mad Sh!#er”

With a little editing and a bit of tampering, I found this story from another site… I hope you all enjoy it!

I spent four-and-a-half years proudly serving my country aboard the USS Enterprise. If you've never been aboard an aircraft carrier, let me try to describe the environment. Everything is painted gray or white. Cables, pipes, and valves jut out or pass through every wall (we call them bulkheads). No decor or any sort of "softness" in the architecture or accouterments -- just steel covered in paint. The hum and type of activity are very much what you'd find in a factory -- a hellish factory, a factory run by some demon CEO with a perverse preoccupation with cleanliness and gray and white paint. Boredom pervades every nook and cranny of a naval vessel. The brass keeps you working anywhere from twelve to sixteen hours a day (only eight hours on Sunday); and in those few precious hours when you're not working or sleeping, there is hardly anything to do. Some sailors spend this time chatting, others in pursuit of education, or religious enlightenment, or crafts, or so on.

On one cruise we had a sailor who entertained himself by guerrilla shitting. He would go around the ship, find an unoccupied room (we call them spaces), and take a dump right on the floor (deck). He was known throughout the ship as The Mad Shitter. I think only in the Navy could someone attain folk hero status merely by shitting.

The first discovery of mad shitting occurred two weeks into the cruise -- cruises typically last six months. A sailor had gone into the bathroom (the head) to take a shower, and there on the floor was a coiled brown monster. This guy immediately called his shipmates in to see the turd. Photographs were taken and good fun was had by all, except for the poor bastard responsible for cleaning the head on duty at that time.

The Mad Shitter got more and more brazen as the weeks wore on. He even took a crap out on the Mess Decks -- a kind of public thoroughfare -- although how he managed that, I have no idea. This mad shitting was a huge morale boost for the ship. It provided tons of entertainment. Whenever there was another episode, people would flock to the scene in droves. Can you imagine someone disrupting his sleep or other activities merely to look at a pile of shit??? Sounds incredible, doesn't it? Yet, to anyone who has ever been in the Navy, it makes perfect sense.

These acts had an almost mystic quality about them. You could swear that no one had entered a space, or that too many sailors were around to execute such an attack -- and yet, right there, almost as if by magic, a turd would suddenly manifest itself!

Other locations struck by the Mad Shitter included telephone storage boxes. These boxes were scattered throughout the ship and contained a sort of "strap-on" telephone that we would use during General Quarters. Whenever there was a GQ drill, word would go throughout the ship as to whose telephone had been targeted.

Another favorite of his was to take a crap in someone's helmet. These helmets were stored at every GQ station. It was great fun to watch the poor victim discover a coiled-up turd in his helmet just before placing it on his head.

Towards the end of the cruise, there were so many episodes of mad shitting that there must have been copycats. My personal favorite was the time when we were painting one of our spaces. There were four of us painting, and we each had a five-gallon can of white paint. In the middle of this, GQ was called, so we closed our cans of paint and rushed off to our GQ stations. When they secured GQ, we returned back to our painting job. When I opened up my paint can, I saw it: there, floating in the paint, was a mini-turd. The Mad Shitter had struck again! It had been sitting there long enough that a brownish corona of feces had leached into the paint, forming a halo around the turd.

But more was to come. As each one of the guys opened his own can of paint, we discovered the Mad Shitter had targeted all four of us! I can only imagine how acrobatic his sphincter must have been to parcel up a turd into four equal portions; but somehow, he managed it.

All this fun and frivolity came to a halt about a month before the cruise ended.  Like Icarus, The Mad Shitter reached too far and overstepped the bounds of propriety. There was a passageway on the ship called Officer Country -- only officers could use it. One evening the Mad Shitter placed a depth charge right at the entrance to this passageway. Heretofore, he had just attacked enlisted spaces -- but now that he had dared to desecrate the officers' spaces (gasp!), the Skipper pulled out all stops to catch him. Twenty-four-hour guards were posted all over the ship in just about every space. NIS was brought aboard, coercive lectures given to the crew, rewards were posted, and more. In fact, the ship's capability was greatly reduced due to taking sailors away from their normal duties (air cover, operations, cryptography, etc.) and assigning them to shit patrol.

The identity of the Mad Shitter was never discovered…!!!

But if I ever met him, I'd shake his hand (after handing him a clean wipe) for providing us with so much entertainment on an otherwise-monotonous six-month cruise.

www.poopreport.com/Office/Content/madshitter.html

“Fujifoo! Fujifoo!”

A Sailor was in Japan on a 72 Hour liberty pass in the ‘Honch’ when he hired a local hooker and they were going at it all night!

She kept screaming… “Fujifoo! Fugifoo!” … which the young sailor had only assumed to mean something pleasurable!

The next day he was out playing golf with a group of his Japanese counterparts off the base when he got a hole-in-one! Wanting to impress the Japanese Sailors, he yelled out… 

“Fujifoo! Fujifoo!” 

The Japanese Sailors looked at him oddly and asked…

“What do you mean wrong hole?”

Wine vs. Water

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one gallon of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one pound of E coli bacteria found in feces; in other words, we are consuming one pound of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors, because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

And that my friends is why sailors drank so much Grog back in the day! With that being said…

It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.

'New on Sentry Duty'

A new recruit was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Navy car came up with an Admiral seated in the back. The sentry said,

"Halt, who goes there?" 

The chauffeur, a Third Class Petty Officer says,

"Admiral Wheeler." 

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." 

The Admiral said,

"Drive on!"

The sentry said,

"Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." 

The Admiral repeated,

"I'm telling you, son, drive on!" 

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said,

"Admiral, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

'More Half Hitch'

(Click on Cartoon)

Half Hitch was originally a cartoon character drawn up by Hank Ketcham during World War II and found itself in “The Saturday Evening Post” during the War! A newer version began as a daily and Sunday newspaper comic strip on Monday, February 16, 1970!! Though Ketcham's name went on it, this incarnation was written by Bob Saylor and drawn by Dick Hodgins, using a Ketchamesque style!!!

Most of Hitch’s time was devoted to chasing girls in every port, so the biggest fans were naturally sailors! But unfortunately, it won few readers in civilian life as Beetle Bailey had done, and the series was discontinued March 1, 1975...

'Nuke Protestors & Prissy Picketeers'

How many of you ol’ Salts have been on a ship protested by Nuke demonstrators from somewhere around the world?!? Before you knew what hit you, half the world was hootin' and holler’n and waving posters, placards & peace signs in front of the base about injustice and nuclearisms and other radioactive things none of them even knew anything about!! It’s usually a collective of all the coercive priss-spigots in the world!! You know, the ones that want to ban second-hand smoke, the commercial sex trade, and good beer!!!

When socially antagonized by the local media while on liberty about nuclear weapons aboard ship, the run of the mill response was always the same...

"This ship is in fact capable of carrying and using nuclear weapons. Having said that, I can neither confirm nor deny the presence of nuclear weapons aboard this ship at this time."

On a good day you had to state that same jingle about a dozen times over and over again!!!

Back in the 60s & 70s… you know, the hippy era… The US Naval Seagoing Canoe Club was under a lot of scrutiny from the people of other countries concerning the presence of nuclear weapons aboard US Navy ships! These liberal beany head snowflake protestors with their self-serving perverted moral arguments against military service, global warming, and animal rights act as if they’d somehow been short-changed by our ability to command our oceans and serve our country!! On one such event, a certain carrier was moored in Yokohama Harbor after being deployed to the northern pacific!! As usual, a local news crew was trying to get any US Naval Seagoing Crackerjack or Officer to admit they had nuclear weapons on board!!!

It is official policy that as a dedicated official foreign ambassador to the US Military, you never confirm nor deny the existence of anything nuclear on board any ship! The ol’ Canoe Club was absolutely fanatical about security!! Such discussions could get you a quick trip to Skippy’s Mast or the Brig!!!

So it was quite unusual when they caught a Chief coming down the gangway who seemed eager to talk! Once on the pier, he stopped, and was asked by the ‘Wolf Blitzer’ of some internationally ranked NATO country of what type of weapons we carried on board!! He looked at the camera and asked if the camera was on... The newsman affirmed that it was!!!

The Chief looked straight into the camera and said in the most dramatic voice he could muster…

“The kind that go Boom!”

… and walked away.

He must had been God's great gift of tact, diplomacy and polite interaction with diverse cultures outside the gate! I know, I know… Some of you snowflakes are saying to yourself…

“He’s nothing but a plain wrong-headed, mean spirited son-of-a-bitch!”

… And you’re probably right, but that’s beside the fact these turds are all a few pecans short of a fruitcake!!!

I remember once when I was stationed at Sub Base Bangor driving up to the gate and like a pork chop at a Bar Mitzvah, I knew something was out of place! There was a mass wave of picketers blocking the front gate questioning the values of young men serving on those there nuclear subs and proclaiming the inappropriateness of nuclear weapons!! I kept thinking to myself…

“Warning… Objects in the mirror are dumber than they appear!”

I can’t lie… I just wanted to throw rocks at those losers!  Their rhetoric was spread thicker than peanut butter on toast!! As I looked over this sea of waving fronds and antennae I could hear one of them giving a speech of some sort to what looked like a reporter as she couldn’t help but repeat “like” a dozen times in a sentence of eight words!!!

“He was like, yeah, and I was like, well, why, and like, I didn’t know why he was like, weird, so I was like, tell me, like, what are you going to do?”

… I swear if I heard her say “like” one more time I was gonna stick my foot so far up her ass she’d need a proctologist to get it out!! Yep, they were here to instill granola-head values in our sailors at all costs… all foam and no beer!!

“Would you like to join our protest or take one of our fliers?”

“Hell, no! I only get involved in social functions when there’s a keg of beer, loose women, and a trampoline. You know the party’s just getting started when there are drunk women on the trampoline.”

I think I did say something to the effect that I would put a railroad spike on the end of my manhood and sodomize the next asshole that jumped in front of my car, right in front of the rest of the court jesters if they didn’t get out of my way! These were the kind of people who lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the bag, or tie jingle bells to all their clothes!! On the ship we always practiced breaking out the fire hoses in ‘repel boarders’ type emergencies with these types… but damned if I ever happened to have the chance!!!

Yes… I suppose to these neutered fronds I was an agent of Satan, but my duties were largely ceremonial… I think I heard that from a nuke submariner somewhere!!!