'Nuke Protestors & Prissy Picketeers'

How many of you ol’ Salts have been on a ship protested by Nuke demonstrators from somewhere around the world?!? Before you knew what hit you, half the world was hootin' and holler’n and waving posters, placards & peace signs in front of the base about injustice and nuclearisms and other radioactive things none of them even knew anything about!! It’s usually a collective of all the coercive priss-spigots in the world!! You know, the ones that want to ban second-hand smoke, the commercial sex trade, and good beer!!!

When socially antagonized by the local media while on liberty about nuclear weapons aboard ship, the run of the mill response was always the same...

"This ship is in fact capable of carrying and using nuclear weapons. Having said that, I can neither confirm nor deny the presence of nuclear weapons aboard this ship at this time."

On a good day you had to state that same jingle about a dozen times over and over again!!!

Back in the 60s & 70s… you know, the hippy era… The US Naval Seagoing Canoe Club was under a lot of scrutiny from the people of other countries concerning the presence of nuclear weapons aboard US Navy ships! These liberal beany head snowflake protestors with their self-serving perverted moral arguments against military service, global warming, and animal rights act as if they’d somehow been short-changed by our ability to command our oceans and serve our country!! On one such event, a certain carrier was moored in Yokohama Harbor after being deployed to the northern pacific!! As usual, a local news crew was trying to get any US Naval Seagoing Crackerjack or Officer to admit they had nuclear weapons on board!!!

It is official policy that as a dedicated official foreign ambassador to the US Military, you never confirm nor deny the existence of anything nuclear on board any ship! The ol’ Canoe Club was absolutely fanatical about security!! Such discussions could get you a quick trip to Skippy’s Mast or the Brig!!!

So it was quite unusual when they caught a Chief coming down the gangway who seemed eager to talk! Once on the pier, he stopped, and was asked by the ‘Wolf Blitzer’ of some internationally ranked NATO country of what type of weapons we carried on board!! He looked at the camera and asked if the camera was on... The newsman affirmed that it was!!!

The Chief looked straight into the camera and said in the most dramatic voice he could muster…

“The kind that go Boom!”

… and walked away.

He must had been God's great gift of tact, diplomacy and polite interaction with diverse cultures outside the gate! I know, I know… Some of you snowflakes are saying to yourself…

“He’s nothing but a plain wrong-headed, mean spirited son-of-a-bitch!”

… And you’re probably right, but that’s beside the fact these turds are all a few pecans short of a fruitcake!!!

I remember once when I was stationed at Sub Base Bangor driving up to the gate and like a pork chop at a Bar Mitzvah, I knew something was out of place! There was a mass wave of picketers blocking the front gate questioning the values of young men serving on those there nuclear subs and proclaiming the inappropriateness of nuclear weapons!! I kept thinking to myself…

“Warning… Objects in the mirror are dumber than they appear!”

I can’t lie… I just wanted to throw rocks at those losers!  Their rhetoric was spread thicker than peanut butter on toast!! As I looked over this sea of waving fronds and antennae I could hear one of them giving a speech of some sort to what looked like a reporter as she couldn’t help but repeat “like” a dozen times in a sentence of eight words!!!

“He was like, yeah, and I was like, well, why, and like, I didn’t know why he was like, weird, so I was like, tell me, like, what are you going to do?”

… I swear if I heard her say “like” one more time I was gonna stick my foot so far up her ass she’d need a proctologist to get it out!! Yep, they were here to instill granola-head values in our sailors at all costs… all foam and no beer!!

“Would you like to join our protest or take one of our fliers?”

“Hell, no! I only get involved in social functions when there’s a keg of beer, loose women, and a trampoline. You know the party’s just getting started when there are drunk women on the trampoline.”

I think I did say something to the effect that I would put a railroad spike on the end of my manhood and sodomize the next asshole that jumped in front of my car, right in front of the rest of the court jesters if they didn’t get out of my way! These were the kind of people who lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the bag, or tie jingle bells to all their clothes!! On the ship we always practiced breaking out the fire hoses in ‘repel boarders’ type emergencies with these types… but damned if I ever happened to have the chance!!!

Yes… I suppose to these neutered fronds I was an agent of Satan, but my duties were largely ceremonial… I think I heard that from a nuke submariner somewhere!!!