"More Paoli Gems"

I hadn’t posted any of late, but Paoli is probably one my personal favorite cartoonists from back in the day. He’s been published in All Hands around the Vietnam era of the late 60’s and early 70’s. I hope you enjoy these gems …

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"Screwed Up or Getting Screwed"

Yeah, I know there are many more out there. But I thought I’d list a few of the old sayings I remember from my days in the ol’ Canoe Club when it came to getting screwed. We’ve all been there and done that, so enjoy …

Run she may, but shine she must, There ain't no steam, but there's no more dust.

“I want my chain-of-command to be my gaudamned Pallbearers, just so they can let me down one more fucking time!”

“Shipmate.... if you got time to lean you got time to clean.”

Replacements are scarcer than honest politicians and the shame is we’re probably better off for it.

“Between you and me, neither one of us know what the hell we’re doing…”

“Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up rather than working hard.”

“Always watch whose toes you step on because they may be connected to the butt that you will eventually have to kiss…”

“‘Status quo,’ as you know, is Latin for ‘the mess we’re in…’”

“Nobody ever said you had to be smart to wear khaki.”

“Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see.”

“There are no stupid questions, just stupid people asking questions.”

"It’s not a lot of work unless you have to do it."

"Kissing his ass may not do anything for you, but it sure makes him feel better."

"I asked him the difference between true and relative bearing. He laughed and said you can't trick me with your fool's errand and walked off."

"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."

“Alcohol is the Bermuda Triangle of our moral compass.”

"In my defense, I was left unsupervised."

"He who strives for the minimum rarely attains it."

"Here we are, United States Sailors, cleverly disguised as responsible adults."

"You only know as much as you don't know."

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit!"

"The beatings shall continue until Morale Improves!"

“I never understood why they make the Deck force handle lines at Sea & Anchor in their Dress Whites! It’s like putting braille dots on drive up ATM machines…dumb as it gets!”

“If you are in a hurry, chances are the person you are relying on isn’t!”

“Believing that something ought to work is not the same as establishing that it will … but here we are!”

“You know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule.”

“Strive for the bare minimum. Remember, there’s no competition at the bottom of the barrel.”

"There are times in your life when you'll have to eat crow. Actually, you don't have to eat it just hold it in your mouth long enough until nobody's watching, and then spit it out."

“Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain amount of time.”


Chief's Mess on an Arleigh Burke ... 

Forward of the Messdecks and Aft of CIC, paranoia became a mental disorder ...

Then there was that old Marine saying ... 

"Ours isn't to ask why but to do or die ... Semper Fi!"

"Good Ol' Boys and Good Times"

Anyone out there leave the Ol’ Canoe Club with a seabag full of memories? I just spent an hour today on Zoom with a group of ol’ shipmates, and I do mean old, from back in our Rainier days. Boy the cobwebs got cleared off the Rolodex of memories didn’t they boys?!?

Our conversations went straight from happy to see your faces shipmates to right down the drain where all our shenanigans rest with the whale shit. We talked about how Jack Daniels was one of our most admired people on the planet, or that waking up in somebody else’s rack other than your own butt nekkit, or being so drunk you pissed on your own Birthday Cake!

And for all you chubby chasers and fatty fans, there’s that time a couple of the fellas hooked up with some lesbians and one of the boys got the fat girl …

“Why is it me that always gets the shit end of the stick?”

“All I know is I looked over and you had a 44-triple-D stuffed in your mouth!”

“She was so big we could use her as a decoy for a whaling ship!”

I wasn’t there, but from what I gather she really tipped the scales. But as they say, big girls need loving too and they love to do the horizontal mambo! I’d given the first ten pages of my address book to have seen that!

“Man she was hairy too! I was so entangled in her thick rug it was like wading waist deep in a grass prairie on a wet soggy day! I swear I tripped over a piece of the last guy’s crank armor!”

“What about that buck-toothed gal that used to work in operations? She was so ugly she’d make a freight train take a dirt road.”

It doesn’t take long for a bunch of shipmates to start talking like a sailor once again after twenty-five years apart. Listening to our conversations you’d swear a one-celled amoeba had a greater IQ than the bunch of us put together…

“I don’t remember it that way… I told her I was gonna shampoo my pubic hair with her saliva.”

“Yeah, remember that gal you went home with on Halloween and her Jack-0-Lantern on the porch had more teeth than she had!”

At the house I think there was a sign above that said “Liqour in the front, Poker in the Rear!”

Then we recalled one night when one of our shipmates we’ll just call “Jeff” was so blackout drunk at the surfer soaked Garnet Strip in Pacific Beach, San Dog, he was on the dance floor at Moose McGilllycutty’s swaying back and forth staggering up behind some cute little Mexican Chica and grabbed a handful of ass. She was there with her boyfriend and about six or more Cholo gangster look’n fellas that were ready to take us all down. If it weren’t for the meaty sized bouncers I don’t think we would’a made it out alive!

Yes, our exploits may be the best evidence to constitute we did not descend from monkeys, but have not yet ascended to them. But hey, at least we never got hung from the yardarms. Here’s to the days of our drunken power fantasies … sucking down suds and getting capsized drunk doing stupid shit Darwin warned us not to do!!!

"Some Shellback Initiation Art"

The ol’ Canoe Club is loaded full of traditions that go way back to the days of Noah and all the zoo animals!  From Sirens to Sea Monsters we’ve got them all, and the Shellback Initiation Ceremony is no different. Here is a collection of unique art I thought shipwrecks might enjoy. I know there is much out there to pick from but I thought this collection was worthy of your tastes … Enjoy!

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“Alleviating Air Pressure”

During a commercial airline flight a retired Navy Aviator was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The retired Aviator pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the Aviator responded,

"Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Aviator sadly shook his head, and in true Navy fashion exclaimed,

"Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum."

"The Anchorage"

A terrible skipper was going back and forth through the anchorage, searching for a place to drop the hook before dark. Looking up to heaven he said,

"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a good spot, I will donate to charity, give up the demon rum, treat women with respect, pay my taxes, and never again give my crew all of the blame and none of the glory!"

Miraculously, the boat with the best spot in the bay began pulling up anchor to leave. The skipper looked up again and said,

"Never mind, I found one myself."

"Independence Day Pin-ups"

It’s the 4^th of July Weekend coming up and despite all the turmoil in the air, I figure my shipmates might need a little cheer in their lives. Here’s a set of beauties for you to enjoy …

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