Captain, Officers and Crew of the USS Umptysquat:
Welcome to the waves and deeps of the watery
domain, which, from time immemorial, has been under our imperial but benevolent
rule. From afar we have watched the approach of your smart appearing ship, and
it is our pleasure to come on board to meet you at this, the gateway of our
realm. You fly the flag of a great and noble nation, and owe allegiance to the principles
for which it stands. But, here ye’ and now, we detain you for a day in order
that all on board may swear fealty to our Royal Parson. This will in no wise
conflict with your loyalty to the nation of the Stars and Stripes, and none may
evade the issue because it is our Royal command that none may enter our Kingdom
as stranger; and, who is foolish enough to invite our Royal displeasure and
resulting vengeance?
Reports have reached our Royal ears, in our
palace beneath the sea, that there are many on board this ship who still
deserve the disgraceful name of “Polliwog.” So we have come to set up our Royal
Court, to hail these invaders before our high tribunal, and to determine by
appropriate mystic rites and ceremonies if they possess the qualifications of
good sailormen.
Alarming and serious charges have been made
against some of your company. The nature of these charges will be made known in
due time, but in passing I want you to know that the reports that have reached
us have caused strong men to weep. Yesteryeve in the great banquet hall of Davy
Jones’ locker, John Paul Jones, Stephen Decatur, and David Farragut craved
audience and, with tears in their eyes, begged to accompany this party in order
to personally deal with those pseudo sailormen who have prostituted the ancient
sports of real sailors by indulging in the game – if it may be dignified by
calling it a game – of Badminton. Badminton, a wench’s game, forsooth. In order
that the record of this Royal Court for strict justice might be maintained
their request was refused but the Lord High Justice has enjoined to make the
punishment fit the crime. In keeping with the code of justice of our raging
realm, each polliwog shall have the right to enter a plea of defense against
the charges made against him.
There are some among you who have lingered
long before coming into our Realm, and it pleases us not. Many year of
coastwise sailing and bureaucratic swivel-chair performance have spoiled your
erstwhile nerve. At least, though belated, you come on this fine ship. Our
Royal displeasure is upon you, and unless you have adequate defense, swift and
terrible justice shall attend you. We note with pleasure that among your
company are many lads barely out of their teens. We welcome them, rejoice that
they have made haste to visit us, and ere the setting of the sun will make them
loyal subjects.
The Royal Court
The Royal Court
