“Neptunus Rex’s Royal Address”

Captain, Officers and Crew of the USS Umptysquat:

Welcome to the waves and deeps of the watery domain, which, from time immemorial, has been under our imperial but benevolent rule. From afar we have watched the approach of your smart appearing ship, and it is our pleasure to come on board to meet you at this, the gateway of our realm. You fly the flag of a great and noble nation, and owe allegiance to the principles for which it stands. But, here ye’ and now, we detain you for a day in order that all on board may swear fealty to our Royal Parson. This will in no wise conflict with your loyalty to the nation of the Stars and Stripes, and none may evade the issue because it is our Royal command that none may enter our Kingdom as stranger; and, who is foolish enough to invite our Royal displeasure and resulting vengeance?

Reports have reached our Royal ears, in our palace beneath the sea, that there are many on board this ship who still deserve the disgraceful name of “Polliwog.” So we have come to set up our Royal Court, to hail these invaders before our high tribunal, and to determine by appropriate mystic rites and ceremonies if they possess the qualifications of good sailormen.

Alarming and serious charges have been made against some of your company. The nature of these charges will be made known in due time, but in passing I want you to know that the reports that have reached us have caused strong men to weep. Yesteryeve in the great banquet hall of Davy Jones’ locker, John Paul Jones, Stephen Decatur, and David Farragut craved audience and, with tears in their eyes, begged to accompany this party in order to personally deal with those pseudo sailormen who have prostituted the ancient sports of real sailors by indulging in the game – if it may be dignified by calling it a game – of Badminton. Badminton, a wench’s game, forsooth. In order that the record of this Royal Court for strict justice might be maintained their request was refused but the Lord High Justice has enjoined to make the punishment fit the crime. In keeping with the code of justice of our raging realm, each polliwog shall have the right to enter a plea of defense against the charges made against him.

There are some among you who have lingered long before coming into our Realm, and it pleases us not. Many year of coastwise sailing and bureaucratic swivel-chair performance have spoiled your erstwhile nerve. At least, though belated, you come on this fine ship. Our Royal displeasure is upon you, and unless you have adequate defense, swift and terrible justice shall attend you. We note with pleasure that among your company are many lads barely out of their teens. We welcome them, rejoice that they have made haste to visit us, and ere the setting of the sun will make them loyal subjects. 


The Royal Court