“Give Me The Balls Of Fatty Fitzgerald”

If you hadn’t read the book, “Steve McQueen Would Be Proud”, by Steve Mitchell then I’d suggest you do so! Especially if you’re one of them old timers from the Vietnam Era!! This book was a hoot and I loved every minute of it!!!

I’ll give you a taste of the Sea Story as it starts out with a young fella named Larson, a Third Class right out of ET ‘A’ School, and his first experience as he checks onboard the USS Dermody Quarterdeck!!!

Here it goes something like this…

Then suddenly, behind him, Larsen heard a car approaching too fast.  He stepped back and watched a yellow taxi rush by, screech to a halt 50 yards beyond the ship, then back up in low, whining reverse until it stopped, motor running, before the brow of the ship. Larsen backed into the shadows and watched a large, oriental woman wearing a tent-like muumuu erupt from the taxi, slam the door behind her and stomp toward the brow. 

“GIVE ME THE BALLS OF FATTY FITZGERALD!”

The woman bellowed as she lumbered across the brow to the Quarterdeck. 

I’m gonna squeeze them off and eat’ em like grapes!”

She stopped at the end of the brow and pointed at the bewildered officer of the deck!

“Take me to Fatty!”

… She moaned, like a foghorn on a thick night …

“I’ll grind his dick into hamburger!”

Then the lady stepped onto the Quarterdeck, her outrage radiating.  Well that was one way to board a ship, Larsen reasoned. The woman took the Quarterdeck by surprise.

Boy if that doesn’t capture the hearts and minds of every fleet sailor who’d been there, done that and spread a few no-shitters across the land! Then it goes on about the OOD being an Ensign Sampson nicknamed ‘Fork’ because he was built like a long skinny prong, and a POOW by the name of Goetzinger who was ready to flick the new guy some shit as soon as he came aboard!! That was before the big lady Kahuna showed up looking for ‘Fatty’s Balls!!!’ 

“I’m sorry ma’am. Civilians are not allowed onboard ship after taps.” 

Sampson tried to be civil. An officer and a gentleman, Goetzinger smirked. He must had learned how to do that at the Academy.

… And who the hell was this Fatty Fitzgerald anyway?!?

“TAPS! I give no damn about taps! Where Fatty? I rip out his gizzard with my teeth!”

Sampson raised his hands in a conciliatory gesture,

“But ma’am… there is no one by that name…”

Grunting in disgust, she brushed past the surprised officer. Sampson puffed up as big as he could get. 

“Woman! Get off this ship immediately. That’s an order!”

Sampson’s face was red and his eyes darted uncertainly. He pulled at the woman’s brown arm, but couldn’t budge her. She was a mountain, mountain ready to explode!

“Stay away!”

… She yelled, flinging him off with a forearm sweep. Sampson stood, breathing hard, his hands balled into fists. She turned to Goetzinger!

“How I talk to ship?”

Goetzinger shrugged, but an inadvertent glance gave it away.

“Ha! Men,”  she roared. “Weak, stupid lying men!”

She rumbled over to the 1MC and stared flicking switches. 

“Woman, stay away from there!”

Sampson screeched, then pointed at Goetzinger. 

“Give me your weapon, Goetzinger. That’s an order.”

Goetzinger began unbuttoning his holster…

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! The General Quarters alarm engulfed the ship, electrifying Sampson and surprising the woman.

“TURN THAT OFF!”  … Sampson screamed … “MY GOD!”

Within 30 seconds, dozens of half-dressed men appeared on deck like cockroaches flushed out of the pantry, wondering what the hell. Sampson’s voice was squeaky as he tried to make himself heard over the alarm. 

“Apprehend that woman!” … Sampson squealed.  “That’s an order!”

Now I know this book is labeled fictional… but how many San Migoos do you want to bet a similar situation happened somewhere onboard a ship that made this story what it is?!? 

It then goes on to explain how the CDO came on deck and barked at the Ensign…

“A Woman? We’re headed for the Tonkin Gulf tomorrow and a United States line officer can’t handle a woman?  Jesus...!” 

Man you got to love it!  If you get a chance, Google and order it online!! Library of Congress Number: 2001118732, ISBN: 1-4010-3037-8!! It’s less than Ten Buckaroos if you order through Barnes & Nobel!!!

AAAAH... you've got to get this Book! It's a great read!! Check it out…!!!