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Thursday, October 31, 2019
Sunday, October 27, 2019
"Nights on Duty"
Anyone
remember weekend duty nights onboard the ship? In our unsullied youth it was a
chance to detox and refresh ourselves from day in and day out of carousing the
local establishments and chasing tale. It’s where we first learned the long
standing ritual of telling no shit sea stories and becoming connoisseurs of
that latest porn on VHS! Titles come to mind like “Bat Dude & Throbbin,
Crocodile Blondie, Bonfire of the Panties, Frisky Business … etc.”
If anyone
had told me at the time I would be a lifer, careerist, make Chief one day
break’n balls and call it the best years of my life, I would’ve punched the
son-of-a-bitch right in the nose! Who knew we were creating memories we’d never
forget?
Back to
my point … Duty days were a time when we could goof off, solve world problems,
cuss Naval Leadership, make fun of each other and Marines and ponder the
meaning of life and rather God exists.
“Who the
hell spit their tobacco in my Cola Can?”
There was
nothing like taking a swig of someone elses swag of chaw & spit!
But
that’s what we did! It was the life of a sailor in the company of other swabs,
squids and chambray wearing ugly bastards. Chief might walk in
before he went home …
“You
sons-a-bitches need to find something to keep you busy.”
“Chief,
are you kidding? It’s after knockoff on a duty day and you should be home with
the old lady!”
“Have you
seen Chief’s old Lady? If I was him, I’d be afraid to go home too!”
“Watch
your mouth sailor! That’s the mother of my kids your talking about!”
“So is
that gal from Olongapo from what I’ve heard!”
…
Ha-Ha-Ha …
Yep, poking
fun at the Chief was like poking a hornets nest when you were a kid!
Then there
were certain expected evolutions we had to go through before we could relax the
rest of the night like fire drills and security alerts along with Eight ‘O
Clocks’ if you were senior enough to have to deal with that mess. Once that was
all done it was like an unwritten permission slip to unwind, order pizza and
crank up a movie. We'd grab a will book and compile an order then
head up to the POOW shack topside to call out on the phone. We rooted through
coffin lockers and work benches for pizza change or geedunk money to last the
night while watching that movie rather it was sanctioned or triple “X”
rated. I think the Nato Seasparrow guys had a congressional sized
library on golden aged porn … by gaud I swear to it!
After
watching movies and eating fresh popped popcorn, playing spades, gin rummy and
chess someone would start with the “no shitter” sea stories using pure
unadulterated horse manure as the glue to hold that thing together! And before
you knew it, shit was flying everywhere. Nobody ever accused us crackerjack
animals of having good taste, etiquette or engaging in good bedside
manner. We were politically incorrect and didn’t discriminate when
it came to four letter language or anything with a hole between its legs. Even
conversations about that gal with a bad case of the drip was nothing the doctor
couldn’t cure. We just left her in quarantine for a couple of
weeks!
Every so
often you had that late watch you had to stand on the Quarterdeck, Engineering
Room or traversing the deck as a topside security … etc. There was
always that clown who was a world class Buddy Fucker … I think these days they
call them “Blue Falcons.” The kind if bastard who relieved you
twenty minutes late on a cold night of midwatch. It happens and you get
over it. Then you headed down for a nice hot cup of Joe or some hot
chocolate if you were a bit light in the loafers.
After
surviving several 24 hour turn arounds of gin mills and late nights chasing
tale, a good night of sitting around the mess table telling no shit tales of
the local gals with a cup of joe in our foul weather jackets could put a grin
on your face a mile wide. Those nights were some of the best of my
life … Why? They were spent with some of the best damned shipmates a fella
could ask for!
Friday, October 25, 2019
"Wanna Be A Yardbird"
Little
Jimmie lived across the street from the shipyard and wanted to be a shipbuilder
one day. He wouldn’t stop bothering his mother about it so she told him to go
across the street and watch the builders work through the fence and maybe he’ll
learn something.
Jimmy was
gone for two hours. When he came home his mother asked him what he had learned.
Jimmie replied …
“Well, first you put the Gauddamned water
tight door up. Then the son-of-a-bitch doesn’t fit, so you have to take the
cock sucker back down. Then you have to move the bolts over a cunt hair on each
side and then put the mother fucker back up again to weld it in place.”
Mother
said …
“You just wait until your father comes home!”
When
Jimmie’s father got home, Mom told him to ask Jimmie what he learned across the
street. Jimmy told his father the whole story. Dad said …
“Jimmie, you go outside and get a switch!”
Jimmie
replied …
“Fuck you, that’s the Electrician’s job!”
Sunday, October 20, 2019
"Gotta Love Them Marines"
I got up
and showered this morning, came downstairs to a cup of coffee and opened up my
computer only to find “Marines Suck Wieners” on my Facebook Feed in big
letters. I just had to belly laugh at that one. I sent the meme to several of
my Marine buddies as it was too much to pass up.
Now
apparently some dildo was able to hack on to the Marine Corp Recruiting Website
and exploit the coding of their main page.
Another tagline read “Daddy Navy Owns My Ass!” That would make you think it was one of them
IT sailors down in radio with too much time on their hands … at least that’s
what I would do. And this is one of
those motivational websites the Marines use for recruiting purposes in
conventions, job fairs and high schools. But reading the article, a public
affairs type seemed to take the “Hillary Clinton” approach and said it must had
been the Russians! Apparently our Marine
Brethren left caricatures of dicks all over their compounds when they left
Syria for the Russians to find, and figured this was the Russian way of paying
them back.
The Devil
Dogs took it with a little salt and rolled with the punches … you gotta love
those guys! We give each other a helluva time, but I never met a Marine I didn’t
like…
Saturday, October 19, 2019
"Made In Japan"
An
American Sailor was in Japan doing some sightseeing. On his last day of liberty,
he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the base. During the journey, a
Honda motorcycle drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the Sailor leaned out of the
window and yelled …
"Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a
while, a Kawasaki sped past the taxi. Again, the Sailor leaned out of the
window and yelled …
"Kawasaki, very fast! Made in
Japan!"
And then
a Suzuki sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Sailor leaned out of the
window and yelled …
"Suzuki, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The
driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a
number of miles. Finally, the taxi came to the base. The fare was $300 US. The Sailor
exclaimed …
"Why is it so expensive?"
There
upon, the driver yelled back,
Friday, October 18, 2019
"Navy Fatso"
Recently in
the news headlines “US Navy is fatter than Army, Air Force, or Marines — a
danger to the fleet!” I mean what do
they really expect? We’re not the
service required to hump over hills, hiking in deserts and swamps requiring
super fitness. And it’s not like this hasn’t been an ongoing issue since the
beginning of the Twentieth Century. Below I’ve collected a few comic scribbles
that have been made over the past decades on the fatness in the Navy, only to
prove that we’ve always been comfortably wide in our thirteen button up jumpers.
I hope you enjoy …
When you cross Popeye and Wimpy …
Too much
Navy Sausage …
Saturday, October 12, 2019
"Mom's Visit"
After
visiting the base, my mother complained to me …
"Security here is so tight, you
practically have to give up your firstborn to get in."
… I
replied …
"You did!"
Friday, October 11, 2019
"Squared Away Sailor"
It’s 1600
and shipmates are ready for liberty and blowing off steam shouting stupid
comments back and forth scrambling to get off ship … that’s how I imagine this
fella when he came up with this little limerick. We all knew that fella that
showed up to Quarters looking like someone found him in the trash bin. This
song has great imagery for an ol’ salt who can remember it like it was
yesterday. I hope you all enjoy …
Well I'm a Squared Away Sailor who loves to go get trashed
And if I'm really lucky they'll send me to captain's mass
Contributing to minors is my favorite thing to do
So if you're underage come talk to me … I'm 22
[Verse] (All down strumming)
My uniform looks like hammered dog shit
My boots are done and scuffed but I'm alright with it
My haircut is unsat and I haven't shaved in days
They tell me that I'm fucked up in a million different ways
[Chorus]
I'm a Squared Away Sailor who loves to go get trashed
And if I'm really lucky they'll send me to captain's mass
Contributing to minors is my favorite thing to do
So if you need some beer come talk to me … I'm 22
[Verse]
And I never take a shower, I always smell like ass
I'm eating in my uniform while walking through the grass
And I'm sleeping in my closet while you're running PFA's
And I'm always half an hour late to watch on duty days
[Chorus]
Cause I'm a Squared Away Sailor who loves to go get trashed
And if I'm really lucky they'll send me to captain's mass
Contributing to minors is my favorite thing to do
So if you need some liquor come talk to me … I'm 22
[Verse]
And I make good grades and I love to cheat
I'm that guy who butts in front of you so I'll be first to eat
And I'll be your best friend
Until I stab you in the back
C
Cause I'm your shipmate
But I'm alright with that
[Chorus]
Cause I'm a Squared Away Sailor who loves to go get trashed
And if I'm really lucky they'll send me to Captain's mast
Contributing to minors is my favorite thing to do
So if you're underage come talk to me … I'm
22
[Verse/Ending]
Orgies and hotel parties is what I'm all about
Getting them little pretty booters drunk and naked
And then watching them pass out
So if you ever wonder what the hell there is to do
Come talk to me
You can be
A shipmate too
Here’s the
video on YouTube …
… or …
… or …
Sunday, October 6, 2019
"A Sailor's Son"
My daughter and her husband, both in the Navy, have an eight-year-old son. When one of his elementary school classmates told the teacher that my grandson had said a bad word she asked him why. He said …
"I can’t help it. Both of my parents are
sailors!"
Saturday, October 5, 2019
"Join The Navy"
A pin-up
girl was once a man’s best friend underway! Men want to look at them and women
want to look-like them. Pin-Up girls have been around since the 1890s' but
became most popular in the 1940s' during WWII! Sailors would decorate their
lockers and posters would hang at the local locker clubs. I hope you enjoy these Navy Propaganda
posters I’ve gathered for your pleasure …
Friday, October 4, 2019
"Mailed Home"
While in
Bootcamp, we were marching to the mess hall when we spotted a pathetic-looking
recruit standing at attention by a mailbox, a whole book of stamps plastered to
his forehead. When our Company Commander demanded an explanation, the recruit
bellowed …
“This recruit has proved himself worthless and
weak and is being mailed home to his mother!”
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