Monday, June 27, 2022

"Pier Dollies : By Dex Armstrong"

Here's one from an old Submariner by the name of Dex Armstrong. I hope you enjoy the story as much as I did...




I guess to normal folks, that would appear to be a derogatory term. Then again, normal folks didn't ride diesel-powered submersible iron septic tanks. The women who waited loyally in all kinds of weather, at all hours of the day or dead of night... And smiled and waved to welcome you home, were collectively known as 'pier dollies'. Any smoke boat sailor who doesn't have a special place in his heart for our beloved pier dollies... The same women who waited rainy night after rainy night for 'their boat and their sailors', is a coldhearted rascal.

Pier dollies were... And always will be some of God's finest work. What made them so wonderful was their devotion, loyalty, and the ability to stand on a lousy navy pier in weather unfit for dogs, Marines, and anyone in France. They never broke faith with the ship and her crew.

They came in a variety of types from devoted officer's wives to professional 25 & 7 working girls... PTA regulars and old barmaids fighting cellulite and varicose veins... From starry-eyed sweethearts to veteran submarine wives who had met enough incoming boats over the years to know that all you get at 2:00 AM after all lines have been doubled up and liberty goes down...Is a smelly guy who stinks of diesel and hydraulic oil... A sack of disgustingly dirty laundry... And a raging erection looking for a home.

Maybe all this has changed. Maybe the Salvation Army and the Singing Nuns meet the boats that throw their heavies over in the middle of the night... Who knows?

The old expression that all boatsailors used,    

"Ain't nobody up this time of morning but burglars and bad wimmin..."

Didn't apply to pier dollies. They were saints.

There were gals who used to call SUBRON SIX Ops on the Orion... Get your ETA... Then drive out Willoughby Spit to Fort Wool and sit there drinking thermos coffee, waiting for an old rust-stained smokeboat to come churning past Thimble Shoals light.

As you passed Fort Wool in 'balls and brass monkey' weather, in the pitch black darkness someone would yell up to the bridge,

"Hey Stokes, flash an Alpha-Alpha over to Wool."

You would hear the shutters on the signal light bang away and see the light reflections in the rising and falling swells. Then you would see the dual flash of automobile headlights that told you several cars would be pulling into the gate at DES-SUB piers and parking in the pier head parking lot. One guy's wife told us she could sit out there at Willoughby Spit... Listen to the radio... Read a paperback book and breastfeed a kid, all at the same time. We never could have won the Cold War without gals like that.

It's nice to be remembered. The lousy part of being a gauddamn boatsailor was that nobody knew where in the hell you were or what in the hell you were up to... And probably wouldn't have given a good gauddamn if they did. But pier dollies did and there is something wonderful about standing topside waiting to toss a heavie to some half-asleep sonuvabitch on the deck of the outboard boat in the nest... And seeing the smiling face of a devoted fan whose panties past experience told you... Were taking a rest break in the glove compartment of a 55 Chevy that needed new tires. Little unsolicited gifts like that made life worth living.

If you got in at a decent hour... 'Decent hour' is defined as 'Before Thelma secured the beer taps at Bells'... You could take a dolly or two up to Bells and treat them to a gourmet meal of Slim Jims and Rolling Rock... Breakfast of Champions.

Pier dollies had the straight skinny on the information that E-3s needed... Sports scores, what the new cars looked like, baseball scouting prospects, and what supermarkets were running beer specials. The vital intelligence for anyone who parked their boots in Hogan's Alley.

I have always been disgusted with anyone who looked down their nose at a pier dolly. Those wonderful women were the closest to angels I've ever been next to. Where in the world would you be able to go and find a smiling, big-busted bleached blond who would sit in a car for two hours just to wrap her arms around a foul-smelling line handler, standing under a dim pier light in a drizzling rain? They were saints and they were truly glad to see you at a time the rest of the world cared less what you were up to. They gave or sold at reasonable rates, unreserved, no bullshit love, to guys who weren't exactly prize packages.

A whore can sell her wares without stepping over fuel hoses and ration boxes on a cold pier at 2300 Zulu. You can bet your thirteen-button blues on that, horsefly.

 

I am damn near sixty years old and no one in my life ever welcomed me and made me feel ten feet high and bulletproof like those gals did. In my book, they are and always will be, shameless gals who did a helluva lot more in Cold War service than a lot of the worthless sonuvabitches out there taking all the bows.

And you returned to the boat... Dropped below, your foul weather jacket reeking of dime-store perfume... Cheap red lipstick smeared ear to ear all over an unshaven face only a mother could love... And the coffee tasted great and all was right with the world.

Sure, the little woman out in the kitchen fixing your dinner would never understand. She never lived on the snorkel for weeks at a time in a forgotten world. But you did... We did. And the world was a better place when there were women who waited to welcome worthless bastards on the bitter ends of heaving lines.

My idea of heaven is a mental picture of Saint Peter on an ivory pier standing up to his armpits in the middle of a bunch of perky busted pier dollies yelling,

"Put your lines over when you can."

If any woman reads this whoever stood out there on a dark pier waiting on incoming smoke boat bluejackets, God bless you, darling... 

 

Friday, June 24, 2022

"Keeper of Light: Mary Jane Bennett"

 



Mary Jane Bennett was not only dedicated to taking care of her husband and seven children. She was also committed to looking after the well-being of seamen rounding Pencarrow Head at the entrance to Wellington Harbour. Despite the most challenging conditions, Mary Jane was the first – and only – woman to become a lighthouse keeper in New Zealand.

 
Mary Jane Hebden arrived in New Zealand from England on the ship DUKE OF ROXBURGH in February 1840, a month after her husband-to-be George Bennett. They were married in Wellington later that year.
 
George had a number of different jobs, including running one of the city’s first pubs, the Durham Arms. But in 1852, he took up the position of the first Keeper of the Light at Pencarrow Head, at the entrance to Wellington Harbour. His wife and their five young children joined him there.

There was no lighthouse – just a beacon in the window of a bleak two-roomed cottage.  

The smoking oil lamp was all they had to guide ships around the dangerous headland. It could only be seen from within five nautical miles and several ship’s captains complained that in poor conditions, the light was barely visible.
 
Living conditions for the family were appalling too. The tiny cottage was neither waterproof nor windproof. It shook so severely in gale-force winds, that the family often abandoned it for shelter in a smaller cabin.
 
The stove was useless – it took nearly four hours to boil water, which had to be fetched from 500m away.  The cottage was 8km from the nearest road and much of the path was along a rocky beach.
 
Imagine how difficult it must have been to cook, wash clothes and raise children in these conditions?  But the Bennetts remained even when their youngest daughter, two-year-old Eliza, died in their first year at Pencarrow Head.
 
More tragedy struck the family in 1855 when George Bennett drowned. He had been a passenger in a pilot boat thrown onto rocks at Barrett’s Reef in rough weather. Mary Jane was pregnant with their seventh child at the time.

Despite all the sorrow and hardship she endured, Mary Jane stayed on to tend to the light. 

In fact, she did such a good job that when the first Pencarrow Lighthouse was opened in January 1859, Mary Jane Bennett was appointed the first keeper of a permanent lighthouse in New Zealand. She would be the only woman ever given this position at a lighthouse in New Zealand.
 
Her appointment was confirmed in the New Zealand Gazette at a salary of £125, plus firewood.  A new, more substantial, the house was also built in a sheltered position below the lighthouse.
 
Mary Jane lived there for another 10 years before she decided to return to the United Kingdom with her six children.  Mary Jane died in 1884, and some of her descendants later returned to live in New Zealand.



(FiN)

 

 

Thursday, June 23, 2022

"God Told Me"

 



A Soldier, Airman, Marine, and an old Navy Chief were sitting in a bar one night.

The Soldier suddenly stood up and said…

“God told me that when he made the baddest and strongest, he made me.”

The Airman then stood up and said…

“God told me that when he made the smartest and wisest, he made me.”

The Marine stood up and said…

“God told me that when he made the fastest, and swiftest, he made me.”

The old Navy Chief looked around, finished his drink, and took a long drag off his cigar. Then he looked at the other servicemen standing around and said in a low growling voice…

“I never told none of ya’ll any of that shit!”

Tuesday, June 21, 2022

"Ode To Subic"

 Here’s another ode to Subic from the Preacher man ‘Owyn Bradford.’ I hope you all enjoy this piece of work.





O I'm over the brow

When the sun is settin'

Old times there I'm not forgettin'

Look away,

Look away,

Look away,

Subic Bay!

In my wallet tonight

I got some money, enough for chow,

Some beer and a honey

Look away,

Look away,

Look away,

Subic Bay!

They're gonna grill me some monkey,

Hooray! 

Hooray!

In old PI 

I'll do or die

to keep the Legend going,

Away, 

Away, 

Away, 

out EEEast - in Subic Bay!


Sunday, June 19, 2022

"More from the Infamous Bill Ward"

Bill Ward was a famous cartoon artist who spent much of his time drawing women with exaggerated bosoms, tiny waists, long legs, and a healthy round derriere. They were dressed, or sometimes partially dressed, to please his imagination. His imagination fed the imagination of the American male with his illustrations of women for 50 years. Bill himself conceded he probably drew more "babes" than any other illustrator of his time. After all... his last name spelled backward is DRAW…







































( FiN )


Friday, June 17, 2022

"Those Three Words"

 



A salty Sailor was walking the street outside the gate when he was approached by a prostitute…

“For $200, I’ll perform any act for you provided that you can describe it in three words.”

The Sailor thinks about the offer for less than a moment and gives the woman $200.

“Okay, tell me what you want me to do, but remember, only in three words.”

The Sailor, who’s been quiet throughout the exchange says…

“Paint my Ship!”  




( FiN )

 

Thursday, June 9, 2022

"Bos'un Pipe"

 



Hush up, you Bos’un Pipe,

Lay Down and give me rest,

Hush up, you Bos’un Pipe,

You Loudmouthed, Hollering Pest!

I Woke up this Morning

And What Did I Hear?

A Loud Whistle Ringing over my Head,

A Great Big Discord

Sounding by a Bos’un Pipe,

Making me Wish I was Dead!

Hush up, you Bos’un Pipe,

You Spoiler of all my Dreams,

Lie Down you Bos’un Pipe –

You’re not for Slumber it Seems!

 

( FiN )




Tuesday, June 7, 2022

"Retired Chief"

 



A crusty navy chief just retired and was looking for a job in the civilian industry. He came across an ad from the Hotel Astor, they were looking for a driver to transport people from the Pennsylvania Railroad Station to the hotel. The Chief applied for the job and they explained to him what his job would entail, and instructed him that when people started getting off the train, he would be required to yell in a loud voice…

“FREE BUS TO THE HOTEL ASTOR.”

While driving to the train station, he kept repeating to himself...FREE BUS TO THE HOTEL ASTOR, he didn’t want to mess it up and lose his job on the first day. Upon the first train's arrival, a huge crowd of people started getting off the train, the Chief suddenly became very excited and jumped out of the bus and started yelling loudly…

“FREE ASS AT THE HOTEL BUSTER … I mean … FREE HOTEL AT THE BUST YOUR ASTOR … I mean … BUST YOUR ASS AT THE HOTEL FREEZER … I mean … FREEZE YOUR ASS AT THE HOTEL BASTARD … I mean … FREE HOTEL ASS BUSTER … I mean … KISS MY ASS YOU BASTARDS AND TAKE A STREET CAR … I QUIT!!!





Saturday, June 4, 2022

"Ali - Army & Navy Fun Parade Cartoons"

 Here is a collection of Sailor toons from the forties and fifties by a popular cartoonist that went by Ali. I hope you all enjoy…












































( FiN )


Friday, June 3, 2022

"Abandon Ship"

 


A long time ago on a ship far, far away I’d once heard that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a rudder and a leaky hull. That’s why in the ol’ United States Navy Seaman Canoe Club,  regulations require that we practice for emergencies, with things like fire drills and abandon ship drills on a periodic basis, where we gather together in one place for the “We’re all gonna die” talk.

It seemed like every few months we’d run abandon ship drills and looking over all the shipmates in our lifeboat stations, I got bunched up with some pretty shady characters. 

Once the drill was called over the 1MC’ they’d give us the nearest land in range and bearing usually several thousand feet below, rather the neighbors are friendly, cannibals or head hunters as well as wind direction, and water temperature so you knew if your bullocks were gonna play peek-a-boo behind your kidneys or become fish food for the friendly sharks down below.

The drill was always the same … grab your coat, your rubber ducky and make sure you’re wearing your flash gear, and head for your muster point … mine was usually the forecastle. Let me tell you, when the sun was beating down and you were in full GQ dress-up mode, it got hotter than a southern frying pan.

The drill was staged but it still would catch somebody off guard no matter how planned the effort was. That’s when the “Boat Captain” usually a Chief, would chime in…

"Well, Fuck me running. Look who decided to show up. You run like old people fuck! Now engage your brain son and hurry your ass up … you’re keeping the sharks waiting."

Then we’d pair up like the animals on the Ark. My earliest memories were filled with a bunch of chambray-wearing non-producing no good for nothing scallywag scoundrels spending half the time pointing, laughing, wise-cracking, and pissing & moaning until the drill was secured. We cussed, told off-color jokes, talked about breast sizes and the perfect ass on a woman, hunting, fishing, fast cars, and where we would hang out when we got back import. The Chief called a few of us worthless and incapable of standing an independent watch. Then he would yell out…

“Now listen up you degenerates, you aren't learning much with your cocksuckers flapping in the wind. Smalley … Get out here front and center. I know they make the flat-chested cheerleaders stand in the back for the yearbook picture but they don't make them go hide behind the bleachers. Now get out here, I need you to be my test dummy!”

“Chief, what do we do if shit ever really hits the fan?”

… Chief would respond…

"We got any witch doctors, or snake handlers, or any of them speak in tongue types around here? Because we’re gonna need some special kind of voodoo magic if the shit ever gets that bad!”

Then Chief would explain to us all in no uncertain terms…

"Gentlemen, one of the most terrible things about war… It takes the cream of a nation's manhood… Not the sick, the lame and the lazy… Not the worthless degenerate bastards… War sacrifices the finest young men. That’s why we train. Statistically, when ships go down, it’s either painfully slow or disturbingly quick.”

Then he’d tell us how our chances of survival would diminish exponentially with every weighing minute and remind us that it could take at least three days for anyone to reach us in our current position. Then he’d break out a cardboard box labeled “Packaged by the Oklahoma League for the Blind,” and talk a little about the food we’d share as he opened the box.  Out fell packages of colorful little candies called charms that were loaded with calories … as if abandoning a sinking vessel isn’t bad luck enough. I guess somebody had one hell of a sense of humor.

“Remember that drop off the platform you did in Bootcamp? Well, that’s the same one you’re gonna do here. Cross your ankles and arms, close your eyes, and you’ll do just fine.”

Well that put everyone at ease. Now I knew where the term pucker factor came from … based on the watertight integrity of your ass sphincter as you dropped some thirty feet down into the water.

Then he’d go on and on how everyone is gonna get sick in the life raft …

“Your best bet is to chum the water and you’d better not get any on me!”

Then he’d go over the canned water, the dry matches, how to take a shit in the deep blue, and so on and so on…

Keep in mind we were sweating our asses off in our flash hoods, flash gloves, pants tucked into our ‘black socks’, and a MK1 rubber ducky around our necks while he quizzed us to death as we threw wrong answers around like a hooker’s underwear.

“Jones, if we run out of water, do you drink the sea water?”

"Why are you asking me? I'm not screwing this goat … I'm just holding the tail!"

The lifeboats themselves? They were pretty impressive … You pulled on a release cable that broke the canister the raft was secured in as it fell out and inflated on the way down. Not that I’d want to set one-off, but you’ve got to admit, they were pretty cool to watch.

That’s how this ol’ coot remembers it. I don’t know if today’s boys and girls still do it the same way as us old farts, but I can’t imagine much has changed except for the GPS and the flying drones and neon-lighted butt plugs … and God help us … I could only imagine!