"Seasick Marines"

 

Seasickness is a common malady during the first days after getting underway aboard ship. A marine from the Mardet was particularly afflicted. The captain in charge of his unit paid him a visit in sick bay and asked…

"Is there anything I can get for you?"

"Yes, sir!"

… The marine groaned …

 "Land."

“Quaint little Navy Poem from WWII…”

 

You make with a swab

And not with a mop,

Topside, not upstairs

To get to the top,

You stand on the deck,

Though it’s green with grass,

And it’s chow, not food

You get with your pass,

Boat is to ship

As hill is to mountain:

And you drink from a scuttlebutt,

Not from a fountain.

The gentlemen’s lounge

Is known as the head,

You sleep in your rack

And not in your bed.

You stow your gear,

Not put things away,

And say “Squared Away”

Instead of O.K.

It’s port and it’s starboard,

Not left and right:

A rope is a line

And a loop is a bight.

You square your hat

When you make it round.

You hit the deck

At the bugle’s sound.

But our favorite phrase

That phrase of dreams

Comes, payday, then

The Eagle Screams!

 

--The Bainbridge Mainsheet,

U.S. Naval Training Station

" Environmental, Social, and Corporate Governance"

(ESG)

 

In light of the current administration’s dedication to Environmental, Social, and Corporate Governance (ESG), the Department of the Navy has made Climate Change a number one priority. It has come to the forgone conclusion that we should replace our fleet with wind-powered ecologically friendly ships such as the USS Constitution. It has been determined that “Old Ironsides” is the stealthiest and most environmentally friendly ship in the fleet. She’s not dependent on oil, she makes no propeller noise for enemy subs to track, the guidance system for her cannonballs cannot be jammed by sophisticated electronics, and her custom handmade sails leave a small carbon footprint we should all be proud of … 

 

"Sailor'n Cartoons"

 Just a small collection of various sailor toons for my shipmates to enjoy…

( Fin )

" Lady Metrics "

 

When we were in BE&E school in Great Mistakes, a few friends devised a system based on the Mini-Helen. If you are familiar with the Battle of Troy, Assuming that Helen of Troy had a face that launched 1000 ships, one Mini-Helen is a girl who could launch one ship. One Helen equals 1000 Mini-Helens. “There is a negative measurement for how many ships you would scuttle to avoid contact with a given woman. A girl can score 50 Mini-Helens just by being identifiably female at a distance of 20 feet. But a Helen is the girl you take home and eat in front of your wife … 

"Buffer Rodeos"

 

Here is some prose I wrote to put lightning bugs in your salty hearts and kick starts many an old memory for you ol’ salty dogs…

As a lowly Seaman forced to clean shitters and many a butt-kit, the same filthy task day after day, we were rarely afforded the opportunity to enjoy the small things in life. I should know because I’d been there … over a year in Great Mistakes with about a month on restriction and extra duty, but that’s another story.

Sometimes you’d end up with a First Class or Chief who was a world-class pain-in-the-ass son-of-a-bitch. My severe pain in the ass was paired with a heavily inflated ego that took no shit from no one. Boy did I find out the hard way. That surely explains all those hours of extra duty I had to contend with.

I don’t know if there was a book out “Joining the Navy for Dummies,” but I sure could have used it had it made my life a little easier. We animals at the bottom of the food chain never got no respect! That’s when I thought I was hated by people for reasons I never understood.  

One of the most important requirements of a Chief or First Class Petty Officer was the ability to create aimless 'bullshit work’ …

“Idle hands are the work of the devil.”

Once the Petty Officer left us unsupervised, we spent more time dick’n the dog than doing productive work. And those gauddamned inspections…  We’d buff the deck to a mirror polish just so some anchor-heavy son-of-a-bitch could roast us with an UNSAT because he found particles of dust dried into the wax in the corner of the space...

“There’s dirt caked into this wax. You’ll have to strip the deck and do it again, and don’t do such a half-assed job this time.”

 Some of those fellas were real ball-bust’n pricks.

The idea was that we bottom-feeders would turn to a life of crime if we weren’t busy on some chain gang mission.  If it was up to the powers that be, we’d be busier than a one-armed man in a circle jerk contest 24/7! I think that’s when I first discovered the phrase …

“Don’t be early, don’t be late, and Never Again Volunteer Yourself.”

When you’re ranked about as low as the rapscallions feeding on whale shit, your duties included taking out the trash and stripping & waxing decks daily. You knew you lost it when you became overjoyed that the section leader brought in a brand new Kolbenz 1500 Ultra High-Speed spinning buffer machine … with shined chrome and all the bells and whistles! Then someone would pipe up and say …

“I just can’t wait to take that bitch on the rodeo ride of my life!”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Come on kid! You never heard of buffer rodeos?”

“The hell with these working parties, man. Fuck them right in the ass! We gotta make this working party into a real party!”

And that’s when the fun began…

I forget who came up with this one but it was a helluva lot of fun.

Back in those days, I don’t think there was such a thing as a “Risk Assessment Matrix” in the ol’ Canoe Club. We were ten feet tall and could conquer the world … that’s all that mattered. Most of us were hell raisers anyway, and if it weren’t for the Navy, we’d all be back home in our own podunk towns getting arrested or molested.  We did about every dumb thing on the planet when no one was looking except drinking the turpentine… I can’t speak for everyone. Yes, we were Darwinian Award-winning prospects, that’s for damned sure. I guess as babies there was more than one of us left on the “Tilt-a-Whirl” for too long.  

Buffing rodeo style was especially hazardous in a crowded space. You could only imagine all the road hazards you could hit your head upon… brackets for extinguishers, first aid boxes, bunk racks, desks, lockers, those old-fashioned heaters whatcha ma’ call its… you name it!  We came out pretty good somehow without sustaining any real head trauma of some sort or fashion … so I think!  

“Aw hell son, your buffer rodeo game is weak. I’ll ride that motherfucker until it unplugs itself. Now move over and get a load of this!”

“That’s when you’re not busy having butt sex.”

“Eat me!”

It was your typical duty night in the barracks. We hadn’t heard nothing about them safety briefs, just a bunch of young’ns having fun … your tax dollars at work. In those days it was a “rite of passage.” I tell you, looking back I swear we didn’t have a brain cell to share between the lot of us. I would imagine the undiagnosed concussion from a buffer rodeo is better proof of service than a DD-214.

The Buffer Rodeo … a time-honored military tradition. It transcends all the military branches.

( Fin )

"Messdeck Movies"

I once heard a story of a sailor who had just watched a skin flick on the messdecks. Afterward, he had learned that a junior officer had borrowed it from the Chief Master-at-Arms who had confiscated it from another sailor for possession of obscene contraband!

"The Seuss Navy"

 Many moons ago, long before the Cat in the Hat, Theodor Seuss Geisel worked for the oil industry. As part of an ad campaign, he conceived what was known as the Seuss Navy. 

It was his biggest success in ad campaigns and eventually led to his place in history as a children’s author.

In 1935, while working for Standard Oil, Mr. Seuss launched an advertisement for Esso Marine Lube at the New York International Boat Show. 

In his endeavor, he created some Seuss Navy story booklets with rhyming text and a crew of characters.

While he had already indulged in cartooning and rhyming for magazines and the like, Mr. Seuss seemed to really enjoy the new challenge and eventually went on to publish “And to Think That I Saw it on Mulberry Street.”

 

It’s a wonder no one realized that the Seuss Navy even existed, but it was as colorful and imaginative as anything in his day. 

Perhaps if they had social media and television advertisement, it would have become as iconic as his books. 

I hope you appreciated some of the art I’ve collected from the Seuss Navy … 

( Fin )

 

"Interservice Ribbings"

 

There was a journalist onboard an amphibious assault ship. For whatever reason, they had a USAF guy onboard, working and living with the aviation boatswain's mates for the trip back from Okinawa to Pearl Harbor.

The journalist interviewed him for the ship's newspaper, to see how the novelty of navy life struck him…

"You guys are a bunch of fucking pigs! I don't know how human beings can live like this."

This being military journalism, the quote read as…

 

"I sure gotta take my hat off to you Navy guys! You do a heck of a job under some serious conditions!"

 

"March Pin-ups 2023"

 These gals are real-life savers. I hope you enjoy this month’s set of nautical pin-ups …

( Fin )