"Crackerjack Souvenirs"

It needs to be said that without the United States Navy, some of the world’s finest waterfronts would be just another seedy place! Those harbors were built on good ol’ Navy bluejacket bucks. It was a time when proud American sailors could be seen rolling down streets in foreign ports with white hats cocked over one eye dibbing and dabbling in the horse trade of haggling down prices!

So many of us wasted our time standing in line at some foreign whorehouse or taking a three hour soapy in Bangkok, smoking cigars and getting loaded, Especially in the Philippines! It was a great place for Monkey Meat, Lumpia, Pancit, Balut … if you were into it and a San Magoo to boot! Yep, it was everywhere like sin and head colds.

There was Shore Patrol, basket hats, soul saving nuns, rent by the hour hotel rooms and ten year old tour guide shoe shine boys ready to take you for a ride … always remember that you’re special, just like everyone else!!!

But we were always looking for exotic souvenirs. It became a serious business for officers and crackerjack sailors alike. On our journey we’d find whores, pickpockets, flim-flam artists and at least one low life son-of-a-bitch who sold overpriced cheap cigars and souvenirs stuffed with newspaper shredding.

In places like Bali, you couldn’t go far without spotting a barrel of wangs. These well-endowed carvings were symbolic for good luck. Men even used to wear these charms around their necks to ward off the evil spirits ... Good luck convincing your shipmates to do the same.

In Hawaii, a fresh flower lei is a beautiful thing. It's natural, fragrant and delicate. But you could always find a cheap, plastic knock-off. Or you could take a trip in Oahu to the Aloha Bowl on Wednesday afternoons looking for three for ten dollar flamboyant colored tropical print Aloha shirts in many assortments and sizes of your choice.

And who could resist those tasteful gifts of prolific proportions at night markets around Australia!?! A kangaroo scrotum bottle opener was the must-have accessory for any home entertainer, while kangaroo paw backscratchers were in equal numbers too. Rest assured, these products were made in accordance with national regulations keeping in mind the most humane treatment of all fur balls involved!!!

It reminds me of the American souvenirs of old like the crap 'Turd Birds' found in gas stations across the good ol’ US of A! Montana Turd Birds, Texas Turd Birds, West Virginia Turd Birds... they all had one thing in common: they were made in various poses brought to life with pipe cleaners, plastic googly eyes and toothpicks ... Oh, the possibilities. Then of course there was the Niagara Falls Water and such meaningless cockamamie bullshit any side street snake oil salesman could get away with selling…

The wholesale proliferation of worthless consumerism made you more confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles! Those street vendors would haggle you for the most useless toy horse crap and you’d walk away thinking you made a bargain, happy as a pig in swill! They ought to hang all those bastards by their toe nails I tell you!!!

The smarter, more seasoned salts spent their time and took pride in buying tailor made suits or silk cuffs for the Crackerjack uniform looking like a damn sailor was supposed to look.  These cuffs had Sharks, Chinese dragons, Rebel flags and embroidered mermaids sewed on the inside of their jumpers! Though unauthorized, it was as classy as you can get out!!!

The ships would return from deployment filled with sailors lining up for liberty wearing Westpac Jackets looking something like the Future Farmers of America used to wear back in High School! We’d bring back a treasure trove of gifts for the kids, girlfriends and wives from far away exotic lands.  My favorite all time was the foreign funny money we used to bribe the kids with to hang out with their friends so Mommy and Daddy could have a little bit of play time of their own if you know what I mean…

For those of you reading this who never had the opportunity, we took pride in our way of life! And the biggest souvenir of all … the memories! We collected them, savored them and used them to enhance these no-shitter tales of lore.  They’re the mortar that hold together our past and connect the next generation of whoever comes after!!  These types of souvenirs are a wonderful God-given gift.  It was a time when the world’s population loved the American Crackerjack and carved our image into the ages of time. Overseas collecting these mental gifts in port meant good times and hell-raising of untold proportions … We were proud.  We had a right to be.