"Flooding, Flooding, Flooding"

We were trained that the two worst things that can happen on a ship are flood and fire! Here are some light-hearted cartoons from over the years on shipboard flooding …

(Must Be Coast Guard)

"Body Paint"

Let's be honest here, there aren't many things on this planet that's hotter than a hot naked girl wearing body paint. ... Here's some Navy Pin-up gals for you! Several beauties leaving very little left for your imagination wearing some of the hottest body paint ...  I hope you enjoy!!!

"And where would you get the torpedo"

A navy psychiatrist was interviewing a sailor for a job. To ascertain how the young man might react to danger, the psychiatrist asked …

"What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"
     
The young man replied confidently …

"I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."
     
"And where would you get the torpedo?"
      

"The same place you got your battleship!"

“Forbidden love, Navy-style"

I’d never been accused of having a twisted or corrupt sense of humor … no sir, not me. So when I post bawdy shanties and songs like these it comes to no surprise that somebody will let out a whimper and get butt-hurt by the humor.  

Here’s one from a former Aerographer’s mate by the name of Logan Vath back around 2012 or 2013. I can’t believe I missed this! This guy should be famous for his work. I guess nobody understands a sailor like a sailor! I hope you all enjoy …

"This is just something I wrote bored on a ship once…"

So what if your'e an O-2 and I'm an E-3?

Does that mean we can't be involved romantically?

They say age is just a number, well rank is just a number too.

(with a letter in front of it)

It's an ongoing problem, and a constant debate …

Does that really mean we can't go up to the O-8 …

And steal a couple kisses where the cameras cannot see?

I've gotta' salute you, but that makes me hot,

I like a woman in power, a woman on top.

(of the chain of command)

And I know Captain's Mast may find me soon,

But I've got the keys to a nice fan room and we can –

Fraternize all night long,

how can something feel so right but be so wrong?

And, baby, you're commissioned but I'm on a mission for love.

Listen close I sing my song,

Cause' you know calling you "ma'am" just turns me on,

And your friends may snicker but I don't care if your sticker is blue.

I'm gonna love you.

With the waves as our witness, at night we roam creepin'

But it's okay, baby, cause' the deck watch is sleeping.

Just close your eyes and I'll take you to paradise.

If the boat is a rocking, don't come a knocking,

Cause' darlin' I ain't even had my first frocking,

But all rank aside, I've got plans for you and I.

Berthing is full, we'll use your stateroom instead.

Cause you know I love it when you give me he-- hugs.

Bridge:

Give me the rhythm and it'll be off with your clothes,

Cause' this is the only thing to do on this boat.

Beware here comes the UCMJ, and it's bringin' an article 134 our way.

We'll use the motion of the ocean to lose some promotions,

But it sure beats laying in the rack utilizing the lotion

You can find it hear on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XbmCYeHeTo

or

https://www.facebook.com/loganvath

"Tipping Guam"

Many of you might remember a few years back when U.S. Congressman Hank Johnson of Georgia’s 4^th District pointed out to Admiral Robert Willard how Guam might tip over and fall into the ocean if we put too many Marines onboard.  I was onboard the good ol’ Chucky “V” when Robert Willard was the XO at the time. He was a good man … but hard to imagine how he held his composure at such a ridiculous statement by someone who represents “We the People” in congress.  He should had come back with one of these …

“Guam never tips, even when on the business end of a Chuck Norris round-house.”

“Guam never tips. Sometimes it even ducks out on the Bill.”

“Guam never tips, it just sticks its head into the ocean to hide from predators.”

“Guam never tips. It was founded by Weebles.”

If any of you want to see the clip, here’s a link on YouTube …

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cesSRfXqS1Q

"Tuna Can Sally"

I took a short snooze through one of my magic carpet rides again the other day. While stumbling to the little boy’s room in my local establishment I’d heard a young gal talking and it struck an old cord in my rusty ol’ noggin.

As a young green behind the ears shipmate on my first tour in the fleet, I was so excited about my prospective initiation into the hallowed rites of being a sailor I was ripe to follow the ol’ salts around and get a gander of the landscape when liberty call was made. 

“So what do you guys do on liberty? Is there any action around here?”

Calm your jets young man and we’ll take you to the nearest watering hole. That’s how we start the night off. So we head to the base club serving the Pacific Fleet, it was called the Scuttlebutt back then and beer was five bucks a pitcher. Like sailors do, we sat around discussing female bust development and who’s hot & who’s not while swilling beers and smoking Marlboro cigarettes. Those were the days before the gloom & doomers invented 'secondhand smoke.' That’s when I noticed this gal on the other end of the bar. She wasn’t the prettiest thing in the world but she wasn’t ugly either. She was one of those kind of gals who’s got one hell of a turd-chopper but looked like somebody hit her in the face with a shovel…

“Say! Who’s that gal on the other end of the bar?”

“Oh, that? You don’t want nothing to do with that. She’s been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard.  That’s ‘Tuna Can Sally.”

“Why do they call her ‘Tuna Can Sally?”

“Because she’s loose as hell but she ain’t very deep!”

(HaHaHa) as everyone cracks a laugh …

“Yeah, but she can suck the color out of a marble.”

“They call her radio station because anyone can pick her up, especially at night.”

… The whole crew of scallywags belonged in an asylum. But I got my first glance at ol’ Tuna Can Sally. 

Months would go by and shipmates and I would end up in places you would never take your Mother. We were tossing down suds in flea-infested gin joints close to base where everyone talked funny and smiled at you through teeth with a lot of deferred dental work while exchanging stories based on drunken power fantasies. When a sailor is offered shots he always drinks doubles and sees the same way. And almost every time we went to the Scuttlebutt, Petty Officer’s Lounge or anywhere near the base, there you’d find ‘Tuna Can Sally.’  

Finally on one occasion we were at McDini’s Baha in National City and she came up to one of my shipmates …

“Hey Sailor, you feeling lucky tonight?”

… He retorts …

“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”

“What’s wrong sailor, you don’t want to go to my place for a good time?

“I'd rather jump barefoot off a six foot step ladder into a five gallon bucket full of porcupines than go home with you.”

But I was drunk and horny and I didn’t care on this God forsaken night. As soon as she noticed me she was like a starving masseuse stroking my ego like she wanted to sit in my lap! There weren't many women in the joint that night, so those who were there were 'Horizontally Accessible.'

Next thing I know …

“Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fuckity fuckity fucking fuck mother of fuck. Why the fuck did you sleep with her? Now everyone knows and your gonna get shit for it!”

I would’ve been better off spending the rest of my beer coupons and using my booze compass to stumble my ass back to the ship blackout drunk that night! And like good shipmates, they razzed me for a few days, as to be expected. Finally one of my shipmates said …

“Don't sweat the petty things but if you do then don't pet the sweaty things.”

“HuH?”

“Shipmate, women have pussies and with pussies they can get as much cock as they want. Half the ship has banged ol’ “Tuna Can Sally” and no one gives a fuck. Do you know who really gives a fuck? Hookers!! Hookers give a fuck, but it’ll cost you!!!”

  

I guess it was nothing to be ashamed about. Other than the fact “Tuna Can Sally” had been with half the Pacific Fleet.  Now I’d become Eskimo Brothers with a multitude of thousands of Shipmates! 

"Navy Dentist"

A Navy Dentist’s license plate:

“TOP GUM.”

The Sailor grabs the Dental Officer’s arm …

"No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the Dental Officer says …

"Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The Sailor replies …

"Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the Dental Officer steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says …

"Take this pill."

The Sailor asks …

"What is it?"

The Dental Officer replies …

"Viagra."

The Sailor looks surprised …

"Will that kill the pain?"

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

When I was on an AOE we called the ship’s Dental the “Filling Station.”

Sent the new guy down to the “Oil King” to tell him to head to dental to get a new “crown.”

The Ship’s Dental Officer had a sign that read “Ignore your teeth and they will go away.”

My Dental Officer on the Rainier once told me, "You know what morning breath is? It's all that bacteria urinating and shitting in your mouth!"  That'll make you want to brush your teeth ...

"An Old Salt"

From the dock the woman watched as the salty sailor skillfully handled lines as he was docking the boat. She was impressed that such an old man would still be doing such a tough job. She decided to wait until the sailor disembarked. As he did, she asked him …

"Hey Sailor, what is your secret to leading such a long and productive life?"

"Well," he said. "I would have to say it's because I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky every week, eat a lot of fatty foods and I never exercise.”

“Wow, that's amazing," the woman said. "Exactly how old are you?"

He answered …

"Thirty-one".

"Naughty Stories"

I haven’t posted one recently from the “Preacher,” Owyn Bradford, but this is a good one I couldn’t pass up! I hope you all enjoy …

Now shipmates this ain't no shit, okay? Way back in the day it was a lazy Friday and I had my stuff all done, everyone was gone & I wasn't ready to hit the beach yet, so I was sitting around the shop all by myself, reading a pretty naughty magazine. In walks the XO.

"Whatcha doing, Preacher?"

I hold up the mag. He grins…

"Got more?"

"Yessir XO, over in the corner."

He takes his hat off, takes a mag, and sits down. We're reading, we're smoking. I toss my book down with a snort and pick up another one.

"What's the matter?"

"Ahhh... crap, sir. Pics are good, but the stories are real sophomoric junk."

He smiles, kinda lopsided.

"And I suppose you could do better."

My head comes up fast and I stare, sensing a challenge …

"Matter of fact, sir, I could."

We end up making a bet. I write a story and send it to them. They buy it, it's $50 in my pocket. I get a rejection slip, XO's up half a hundred. He leaves after a while. I get busy writing. Hell with the beach! LOL That night, I go searching, find the XO, show him the story and sit while he reads it. Finally he tosses it down…

"Perversion. Junk. They'd be fools to buy this. Our bet still on?"

I pick up the manuscript…

"Sure is, XO."

… He shakes his head with a rueful grin as I leave.

Maybe a month later I go up and sit down with XO. I open an envelope and hand him a "please give us more like this" letter and check …

"Well, sir? Still think the folks at this mag are fools?"

He takes out his wallet, hands me three tens and a twenty.

"All this proves, Preacher, is that somewhere in this big wild wonderful world there are people as twisted and bent as you are."

We both laugh, I put money in pocket, letter and check in envelope, and start for the door …

"Preacher" …

… he calls, I turn.

"Yessir?"

"If you do write anything more for these people, lemme see it first, okay?"

Here endeth the reading of the morning lesson. Praise be to Neptune.

"Sailor Pick-up Lines"

We’ve all heard the corny pick-up lines in the local bar. Well, sailors have them too! Here’s a list of corny pick-up lines sailors have used over the years …

I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... wanna tie up for the night?

I’m in charge of swabbing the Poop Deck.

Are you seaworthy? Because I’m going to ride you till dawn.

Nice dock, mind if I park my boat in it?

Hey babe, you're the first person I want to be with in a shipwreck.

The waves won't be the only thing rocking you tonight.

How about you and me taking a voyage to Motel-6?

When I see you my main sail raises.

Can you help me navigate my way around that Wonderbra?

You can climb my mast ... anytime!

I don’t have sea legs, but I can really hold my tequila.

Can I stick my rudder in your stern?

It’s Fleet Week! Wanna have a one-night stand… seven times?

Care to see me turn my dingy into a yacht?

Kiss me, I'm salty!

Do you drag all the sailors you meet to their watery doom or am I special?

Does your mom care that I'm in your boat?

Hey babe, can I see your Bermuda Triangle?

Hey babe, wanna check out my life jacket tan?

Hey sexy! may i drop my anchor into your island?

I hate to see you go, but I love to watch your transom.

I'll let you raise my spin pole.

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO FIRE A CANON???

I've seemed to misplaced my anchor ... Can I tie up with you?

I’ll put the wind in your sails if you raise my mast.

Babe ahoy!

"Liberty Call, Liberty Call"

Liberty is the shore leave sailors get to spend on dry land! During the age of sail, liberty was often abused by the members of the crew who took it as a prime opportunity to drink in excess, indulge in the brothels and the ladies of the night and anything else denied them for a time underway…

Books, films and music about sailors on liberty have been made and written much over the years. Gene Kelly and Stanley Donen’s 1949 musical “On The Town” comes to mind. Like a stray cat marking his territory, from New York to Amsterdam to Cape Town to Hong Kong to Olongapo, sailors have made their mark around the world. The cliché of drunken rowdy sailors in foreign lands is not a myth by any means… with time ashore being so rare, and life at sea so grueling, sailors used their time on liberty to vent their frustrations and satisfy their lustful desires. I hope you enjoy the picture show of our past as we were a wild bunch …

Bad Boys On Liberty …

Early Days of Liberty in the Philippines (1) 

Early Days of Liberty in the Philippines (2)

Early Days of Liberty in the Philippines (3)

Last Call for Alcohol ...

Out on the town, in the early days ...

Out on the town (2)

Out on the town (3)

Out on the town (4)

Out on the town (5)

Out on the town (6)

What do you do with a drunken sailor ...

It was fun while it lasted boys ...