The
prospective recruit was filling out his military application papers when he
came to the question: “Have you ever been arrested?”
He
answered … “No.”
The next
question intended for applicants who answered the affirmative to the previous
question asked: “Why?”
He
answered … “Never Got Caught!”
Underway replenishment (UNREP) is the method of transferring fuel, munitions, and stores from one ship to another while underway. About every ship in the ol’ Canoe club is subject to this formidable duty. So in light of the professionals who carry on these duties in the most professional of manners, I give to you an assortment of witty cartoons I’ve collected over the years for your enjoyment. Have fun…
A young Seaman was complaining to the Chief about the “buddy system” and how it was restricting to have to sign out with a shipmate before leaving the ship on liberty. He said he heard it was just a new way for the Navy to keep sailors on a leash and not let them enjoy the little bit of liberty they had. To which the Chief retorts…
“Well
you see son, the “Buddy System” has been around since the Greek city-states where
pairs of homosexual lovers were eagerly recruited into the Spartan and Athenian
Navies. The city statesmen recognized that many fights broke out with Sailors on liberty and a Sailor would sooner die in a foreign
port than look like a coward in the eyes of the man he loved.”
“Does
anyone else here try to fart in the head while masturbating? It smells like
anal as if you’re really there.”
“I just
shit and don’t flush it before releasing the ‘Kraken.’ Then I wait for a while,
then jack off. Then I wait a little while longer to bask in the ambiance.”
“You sick
fuckers. You mean you do anal sex? That’ll give me nightmares!”
“Well,
hell! Anal sex is cheaper than having a baby. The worst that could happen is
anal constructive surgery, and that’s still cheaper than having babies.”
“Yes, I’d
imagine it is cheaper. That brings me to another fine ‘American History’ fun
fact. Did you know that in the days of the wild-west and saloon whores, they
used to do anal as a form of birth control? And that ain’t no shit!”
“Is that
true Chief … back in your day?”
“Hell, I
was born in the forties… I ain’t that old! I can think of a lot of ways to bust
a nut. Fucking an asshole ain’t one of them. I know some people like it, but it
ain’t my thing. For birth control … why not just slap on a Jimmy?”
“Well
latex didn’t come around until the 1940’s-50’s … and sheep skins were far and
few between.”
“Chief,
it all started with you, damned baby boomers! I saw ‘Deliverance.”
“Well
hell, my kid brother watches G.I. Joe, and he says knowing is half the battle.”
“Gauddamn,
I’m familiar with that phrase, but I never thought it would apply to anal sex.”
“That’s
why I carry soap on a rope. There’s a reason the Village People sings songs
about the Navy … and it’s the same reason I don’t hang out at the YMCA.”
“You
fuckers are nuts!”
“Yeah,
that’s as wrong as two boys fucking on the White House lawn!”
“Are you
kidding? Now, kids these days are eat’n butts like syrup and pancakes before
Saturday morning cartoons!”
“I found
that if you ad half-n-half to Krusteeze Belgium Waffles, it tastes much better
than ass.”
“Well,
should’a figured something was up when they started making flavored KY and
Astrolube.”
“Is
Astrolube water or petroleum-based?”
“The Fuck
if I know…”
“It’s
Astroglide, and yes it’s water-based.”
“How and
why do you fuck’n know that?”
“But was
it tested on animals? I think PETA would like to know!”
“It’s FDA
approved so it must’ve been.”
Yes, these were the inane exchanges and banter on a typical evening after darken ship during a Marlboro smoke break while kicking the smoke bucket. You could bet your lily ass, we were talk’n some shit. It was always fascinating what the next evening’s talking points were going to be… Like ‘Farmer’s Insurance’ … “We knew a thing or two because we’d seen a thing or two!”
(FiN)
Many years ago, a Sailor had a belly ache and went to see the Doctor. Just as he
showed up he had to wait as the nurse was giving birth to an illegitimate baby.
So the quick-thinking Doc put the Sailor under ether, and when he came to, told
him he had just had a baby! The poor Seaman was quite surprised, but he
shrugged his shoulders and carried the infant off to sea, where they spent many
happy years, living as father and son. Finally, when it came the Sailor’s time
to die, he called the boy over and confessed…
“I’m
not really your father, I’m your mother. I’ve never even known your father’s
name. But I can tell you this … he must’ve been the slickest soap dropper in
the fleet!”
(
FiN )
I’d
rather be a Seaman
then
an Admiral any day,
Though
the Admiral gets the honors
And they draw the highest pay.
★★
For
the Seaman of the Navy,
When their daily chores are done,
Leave their worries all behind them,
Goes to town and has some fun.
★★
But
the Admiral, poor thing,
Has
so much work to do,
That they can’t relax a moment,
Even
when the day is through.
★★
So
let them keep their stripes and bars,
Keep
their leaves and eagles too;
I
would rather be a Seaman-
Now I’m asking … wouldn’t you?!?
Active-duty Sailors often ask me what I do now that I’m retired to keep things interesting. I’ll give an example…
I went to
the Fort Lewis McChord PX the other day to pick up a package. I was only there
for about five minutes. When I came out there was base security writing a
parking ticket. I went up to him and said …
“Come on
buddy, don’t be a jerk. How about giving a retiree a break?”
He
ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him an explicative as he
glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called
him another even worse explicative as he finished the second ticket and put it on
the windshield with the first. Then he started writing me a third ticket. This
went on for about twenty minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he
wrote…
But I
didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner, and this one had a big ol’
bumper sticker that read “Army of One.”
One thing that I always heard about over the years was the Four “F’s” of life! There are several variances to this depending on where you stand on the subject or where you come from. One would be the primordial needs of existence in life…
“Feast,
Fuck, Fight, or Flee.”
Another
may be concerning the finer sex …
“Feel
them, Finger them, Fuck them, and Forget them.”
And yet
as Sailors, we tend to mix the other two…
“Feast, Fun, Fight, and Fuck'em!”
Here are
a few toons I’ve collected for your swashbuckl’n entertainment concerning a
Sailors four “F’s” of life!
That is
all …
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“Anything
else Sir?”
Asked the
attentive bellhop, trying his best to make the Chief and his lady comfortable
in their stay at the plush tropical hotel.
“No, no
thank you.”
Replied
the Chief.
“Anything
for your wife Sir?”
“Why, yes
young man, would you bring me a postcard?”
Here are your April Appetizers ready for your enjoyment. I hope you like this month's installment of pinups…
( FiN )
