“Silly Conversation & Banter”

 

Rather it be sitting around the bulwark on the fantail, hanging out in the cruise lounge or the mess decks, or just shoot’n the shit in anchor windless, the rhetorical storytelling from a handful of long-range prevaricators who would hang around unloading loads of historically inaccurate horseshit made up a typical night underway. When shipmates sit around and start telling no-shitters and feeding the new guy a load of shit, it gets really entertaining. To the unknowing ladies and gentlemen of the real world, we’re mere perverted heathens. Some of these guys were real master bullshit artists. Half the bullshit they spewed was nothing but unadulterated made-up lies, but they’ll swear it to be the damned gospel truth…

“Does anyone else here try to fart in the head while masturbating? It smells like anal as if you’re really there.”

“I just shit and don’t flush it before releasing the ‘Kraken.’ Then I wait for a while, then jack off. Then I wait a little while longer to bask in the ambiance.”

“You sick fuckers. You mean you do anal sex? That’ll give me nightmares!”

“Well, hell! Anal sex is cheaper than having a baby. The worst that could happen is anal constructive surgery, and that’s still cheaper than having babies.”

“Yes, I’d imagine it is cheaper. That brings me to another fine ‘American History’ fun fact. Did you know that in the days of the wild-west and saloon whores, they used to do anal as a form of birth control? And that ain’t no shit!”

“Is that true Chief … back in your day?”

“Hell, I was born in the forties… I ain’t that old! I can think of a lot of ways to bust a nut. Fucking an asshole ain’t one of them. I know some people like it, but it ain’t my thing. For birth control … why not just slap on a Jimmy?”

“Well latex didn’t come around until the 1940’s-50’s … and sheep skins were far and few between.”

“Chief, it all started with you, damned baby boomers! I saw ‘Deliverance.”

“Well hell, my kid brother watches G.I. Joe, and he says knowing is half the battle.”

“Gauddamn, I’m familiar with that phrase, but I never thought it would apply to anal sex.”

“That’s why I carry soap on a rope. There’s a reason the Village People sings songs about the Navy … and it’s the same reason I don’t hang out at the YMCA.”

“You fuckers are nuts!”    

“Yeah, that’s as wrong as two boys fucking on the White House lawn!”

“Are you kidding? Now, kids these days are eat’n butts like syrup and pancakes before Saturday morning cartoons!”

“I found that if you ad half-n-half to Krusteeze Belgium Waffles, it tastes much better than ass.”

“Well, should’a figured something was up when they started making flavored KY and Astrolube.”

“Is Astrolube water or petroleum-based?”

“The Fuck if I know…”

“It’s Astroglide, and yes it’s water-based.”

“How and why do you fuck’n know that?”

“But was it tested on animals? I think PETA would like to know!”

“It’s FDA approved so it must’ve been.”

Yes, these were the inane exchanges and banter on a typical evening after darken ship during a Marlboro smoke break while kicking the smoke bucket. You could bet your lily ass, we were talk’n some shit. It was always fascinating what the next evening’s talking points were going to be… Like ‘Farmer’s Insurance’ … “We knew a thing or two because we’d seen a thing or two!”

(FiN)