Friday, August 3, 2012

A Philosopher, A Mathematician And A Chief Petty Officer

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and a Chief Petty Officer, were out riding in a bus, coming home from scout summer camp when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen", the Devil said, "due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. Then, go to Hell! With another snap of the Devil's finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated crypto formula you can ever think of that could never be deciphered!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed the code was unbreakable. Then, go to Hell! with another snap of the Devil's finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The Chief Petty Officer then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that.

The Chief then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked,

"Which hole did my fart come out of?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "the third hole from the right."

"Wrong, said the chief, it came out of my asshole."

And the Chief went to Heaven...

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

‘A Letter To A Young Sailor Who Just Left Home’

Dear Son:

Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive. I will write this letter slowly because I know you can’t read fast.

First the big news…your Dad heard that most accidents happen close to home so we moved. You won’t know the house when you come home as I can’t send you the address because the last redneck family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

About your father…he has a lovely new job where he is over 500 men. He is cutting grass in the cemetery.

There is a washing machine in the house where we live now, but it ain’t working too good. Last week I put in 14 shirts and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them shirts since.

It only rained twice this week: Three days the first time and four the second time.

The coat that you wanted me to send you. Your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether its a boy or a girl so I can’t tell you if your an Aunt or an Uncle.

Your Aunt Olga gave up the birth control pill when your Uncle John bought a condominium.

Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at the Norska Brewery. Some of the fellow workers dived in to save him but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body and it took three days to put out the fire.

On the other hand, your father hasn’t drank since Christmas…I put a pint of Castor Oil in his beer and it kept him going till New Years.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick up. One was driving, they other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Went to Doctor yesterday and your father went with me. Doc put a small tube in my mouth and said not to open it for ten minutes. Your father wanted to buy the tube.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.


PS I was going to send you $10.00 but had already sealed the envelope.