Monday, August 21, 2017

'Iron Men & Wooden Ships or Wood Men & Iron Ships'

A young Recruit just joined the Navy and on his first day of Bootcamp his RDC yells at him…

"In the past the ships were made of wood and the men of steel! Now it's the other way around! What do you have to say about that!?!"

"Good thing when the modern ship sinks: wood will float much easier!"

Gauddamned kids are too smart for their own damn good these days!!!

Saturday, August 19, 2017

‘You Might Be a Salty Crackerjack Sailor If’

1. You know instantly that "work smarter, not harder" means billet cuts

2. People ask you what you're doing beyond the two-hundred mile radius

3. You get married to move off the ship

4. You precede every public speech with, "I was going to tell a sea story, but seeing
the lack of warfare pins out there, you all just wouldn't understand"

5. An Alaskan cruise is not an option for your honeymoon.

6. You are still trying to figure out what TQM was all about.

7. You've ever laughed when watching the “Global Force For Good” commercial at 3:00 am, and wondered what happened to “It’s more than a job, It’s an Adventure”

8. You've successfully avoided at least one inspection, Change of Command, or urinalysis

9. After bootcamp, you've never fired a gun

10. You hear a SH-60 and DON'T look up

11. Your port calls have more bars in them than people

12. You consider the lack of doors on your aircraft natural air conditioning

13. While underway, a life raft comes loose, hits you on the head and you're counseled for "loss of situational awareness"

14. Members of other branches of the service visit your work space and they shout, "Wow, I haven't seen one of these in 20 years!"

15. Your idea of aromatherapy is Simple Green and JP5.

16. ...Any time you set out on a trip you expect to hear "make preparations for getting underway".

17. When you come home with groceries you shout, "All hands lay to the garage/driveway/curb for stores".

18. You catch yourself speaking to your children in the same tone of voice you use with your non-rated seamen ... or is it the other way around?

19. You are not sure if there really is life out there, i.e. in the real world.

20. It seems every time you watch a movie it says on the bottom of the screen "Property of the US Navy"

21. You’ve had an alcohol incident and advanced in the same week

22. You might be a Salty ol’ Crackerjack if everyone on the ship asked you what you do in the radio room and they got mad because you said, "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you!"

23. If getting to sleep after mid-watch was ever difficult due to the ever-present sun up above throwing your system off.

24. If your ship is handed a list of “businesses districts” your crew is not welcome at during their port call...

25. You've left a port with more than one sign from the naval base...

26. You've woken up in the "red light district" in several Port-O-Calls

27. If your 40-year-old boat is getting underway on Monday for a 6-week patrol and your still making plans for the weekend because you know the boat will break down within 2-3 days.

28. You tell your children that Fridays are 'field days'

29. When your ship sends an emergency CASREP for the broken coffee maker.

30. When the Marines get upset when they see you get to use real bullets in your weapon.

31. If your child refers to the ship or station as "where Daddy lives"

32. You claim to have a woman in every port, yet you are on shore duty.

33. You run from the kitchen, trip over the dog, fall and hit your head on the coffee table just to see a 15 second blip on TV when you hear the words "The Navy, A Global Force For Good"

34. You PANIC when you have to wear nice civilian clothes out because you can't color coordinate because you know no other than white and blue.

35. Your wife looks at you strange and spouts out, "You're not my Chief, and I sure as hell ain't one of your damn Seaman!"

36. If you abbreviate words so much that you forget how to spell them out.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

“Paoli on Sailors Behaving Badly”

Before all the 'PC' hit the Navy, the boys of the Ol’ Canoe Club new how to really have a good time and a well-oiled sense of humor! I suppose it’s just a sign of the times that you’d find cartoons like these in the ‘All Hands’ Magazine way back when!! Thanks to a shipmate by the name of Carl Breth, several rare Paoli cartoons have surfaced!! I hope you enjoy them as much as I have!!! 

Friday, August 11, 2017

‘Reverse Psychology’

Two married Navy Chiefs were sitting at the bar drinking one night after work when one turns to the other and says…

“You know, I don’t know what else to do! Whenever I go home after we’ve been out, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage! I take my shoes off before I go into the house and sneak up the stairs. Then I sneak into the bathroom to get undress so I can snake my way into bed, but my wife always wakes up and yells at me for staying out too late!”

His fellow Chief looks at him and says…

“Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach!  I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the stairs, throw my shoes into the closet, strip off me cloths and jump right into bed as I rub my wife’s ass and say … How about a little?!?”


“She just pretends that she’s still asleep… works every time!”

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

‘The Louder You Speak’

A very shy Seaman Recruit straight out of Bootcamp goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar! After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks …

“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

… She responds by yelling at him at the top of her lungs …

“No I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar was now staring at the poor lad! Naturally, the young Crackerjack was hopelessly and completely embarrassed and as he slinked back to his table!! After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes!!!

She smiles and says to him …

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which our young Navy man responds at the top of his lungs …

What the hell do you mean Two-Hundred Dollars?!?”

Friday, August 4, 2017

'When The Chief Farts'

The Chief was at a sophisticated dinner party for all Officers and Chiefs onboard the ship when he let out a rather boisterous loud fart!

The Skipper was appalled and said indignantly,

"Chief! How dare you fart in front of my wife!"

The Chief exclaimed,

"Sorry Captain, I didn't realize it was her turn!"

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

'Old Grumpy Chiefs'

An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones…

The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy Chief Petty Officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy!!!

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee! While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message…

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband responded…

"I'm takin' a shit. Please advise."

Almost brings a tear to my eyes…