Friday, December 23, 2016

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

‘A Sailor’n Christmas Shanty’

Look lively lads, haul on those ropes
At last we're homeward bound
With a following wind we have high hopes
To be home before Christmas comes around.

Pray God fill the sail with a favorable gale
Give us fine fast running seas
And we'll make it home for Christmas boys
To our wives and our families.

We've sailed across the seven seas
Such sights we all have seen
But now we long for our families
To tell them where we've been.

Around the world we all did roam
Many girls in many ports
But now at last we're headed for home
And our wives are in our thoughts.

And in our last few ports of call
When we've had our runs ashore
We've sought out gifts for one and all
And who could ask for more.

So weigh the anchor, set those sails
Don't slack along the way
With this good wind, unless luck fails
We'll be home for Christmas day.

Monday, December 19, 2016

'Chief Is An Ol' Salt of a Lion Tamer'

Two unemployed retired chiefs are sitting around bored one day talking. One says…

"I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies…

"That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"I'll pick up some of the crap that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no crap in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"You ain't thinking none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some crap on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"

Monday, December 12, 2016

Shellback Subpoena

Subpoena and Summons Extrordinary
The Royal Court of The Raging Main


Domain of Neptune Vale Pacificus

To Whom May Come These Presents:

Whereas: This good ship bound south is about to enter our Domain, and the aforesaid ship carries a large and slimy cargo of landlubbers, beachcombers, shithouse rats, sea lawyers, lounge lizards, parlor dunnigans, plow deserters, chicken chasers, hay tossers, chit signers, sand crabs, four flushers, squaw men, pig lovers, and all sorts of fuckery of the land, and last but not least he-vamps and liberty hounds, falsely masquerading as seamen, of which scum you are a member, having never appeared before us; So Now: on This Date………
Be it known: That we hereby summon you………. to appear before the Royal High Court and our August Presence on the aforesaid date, as may best suit our pleasure, and to accept most heartily and with good grace, the pains and penalties of the awful torture that will be inflicted  upon you! To be examined as to fitness to become one of our trusty Shellbacks, and to answer such charges as may have been placed against you! 

Disobey This Summons Under The Pain of  Our Just and Terrible Displeasure. Our Vengeance Is Ever Wakeful and Our Vengeance is Swift and Sure.

Given Under Hand And Seal, 

 Attest: Davey Jones, Royal Scribe              
Signed: Neptunus Rex