Tuesday, March 21, 2017

'Here Was To One Hell Of A Ride'

Sea Stories... The ‘No-Shit Sherlock’ for Crackerjacks everywhere! An adventure outrageously funny and frightening, full of half-truths and outright lies, the next growing worse with each bullshit session!! No one forgets the life we lived... Get two Ol’ Salts together over a bottle of rum, talking about old times, and sooner or later the shit show turns to tales of peso shows and cute ‘LBFMs’ engaging a game of Cricket shooting darts out their vaginas!! As Charlie Sheen would say…

“Now that’s what I call ‘Winning!!!”

Now Sea Stories aren’t all full of shit! Many stories are mostly based on fact, but the better recollections of sea going adventures have only a nodding acquaintance with what really happened!! Hard Facts inhibit flexibility… They bore!!!

Minnie Pearl always said…

"Never let the truth get in the way of a good story!" 

But to Westpac Crackerjacks they are more than just tall tales! These stories are a way of life and Sailors have long been known for telling good stories!! A high percentage of us spent the best years of our lives shooting the shit on the mess decks, the fantail or around the buttkit!! This way of life shaped us to what we have become…  it's not just a smile and a memory!!!

For it wasn't I who streaked butt nekkit down Lombard Street lit up like a Roman Candle on whiskey and cheap beer! It wasn't I who got beat up by Shore Patrol for defending a young lady from a horde of pissed off shipmates!! It wasn't I who danced on the stripper pole in Bangkok's Nana Plaza with several Thai beauties ... No it wasn't me, I'm not the one you're looking for!!!

The stories we tell are forever bold in literature and film like ‘McHale’s Navy’, ‘Flight of The Intruder’, ‘Hunt For Red October’… so on and so forth! But unless you’ve lived it, you don’t really get it!! So here’s to all you Ol’ Salts sitt’n at a bar or VFW telling ‘No-Shitters’ like there ain’t no tomorrow!!!

It was one hell of a ride wasn’t it?!?

Saturday, March 18, 2017

'What Can I Get For Twenty Dineros'

A Crackerjack Sailor was sitting around the ship bored as hell and feeling horny! He digs around in his locker for loose change and comes up with Twenty Bucks and heads for the local brothel!! He approaches the madam and says…

"I only have Twenty Dineros but I am so horny! Please, please I just need to fuck something!"

The madam says…

"OK, If you’re that desperate I’ll let you fuck a goat!"

The madam instructs him to go to the first door on the right! Once there, he sees a goat tied to the corner and a large mirror on the wall!! He proceeds to go behind the animal and fucks away like crazy, finishes and leaves!!!

A couple of days later, he feels horny again, digs around and finds Fifteen Dollars! He goes back to the brothel and tells the madam he only has Fifteen Dineros but he’s really horny and wants to fuck the goat again!! She tells him he fucked the goat so hard he killed it!!!

Instead, she could let him watch two women mud wrestle for Fifteen Dollars! The guy agrees and she instructs him to go to the second door on the right!! He walks into a dark room and sees a few guys sitting in front of a large window watching two women mud wrestle!!!

Sitt’n there he gets pretty excited and says to one of the other fellas in the room…

"This is great!"

To which the other guys say…

"Yeah, but you should have been here a couple of days ago when they had some guy fucking an ol’ goat!"

Monday, March 13, 2017

'Mixed Signals'

As a plane captain in the Navy, hand signals were a part of my everyday life! I was parked at the supermarket once and a lady with her young daughter got out of their car, but their headlights were on!!  So I honked, and when she looked over, I touched my nose with my right hand and with my left made a grabby-grabby motion!!!

In PC'ing Hawkeyes, that means your noselight is on...!

In civilian life apparently that means…  “Let me touch your daughter!"

‘Boot Camp Inspection Tricks’

When you conduct a Boot Camp Barracks Inspection, bring some Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup and make sure you inspect the toilet alone while the recruits are standing by! Put some of that there syrup in the toilet like, so you get the very familiar mark we all know so well!! Then put on your furious face when you let it all out on the squad leader!!!

When he comes running, give him hell while asking…

"Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is this?"

… Of course he becomes speechless! Then you obviously put your finger in it and taste it!! You confirm it’s shit and give him hell for it!!!

The look on his face is simply: PRICELESS!!!!

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

'Unscrupulous Antics & Edumacational Circumstances'

Ladies and Gentlemen, nobody enjoys off-color humor like an Old School Crackerjack Sailor! And in the days of yore… off-humor was the name of the game!! The idear was to fleece the fleet of all the weaklings, and you had to have thick skin, thick as Rhino Hide!!! 

Now I know that it may be hard for some of you young’ns out there to believe, but there was a time when ‘Shock Value’ was the best course of humor to break up the monotony! Before the days of split tails and transgendered running amok… That in itself is a shock to us old farts!!!

Shipmates like today had to get their experience! They had to grow their sea-legs to handle a lot of shit!! That’s what your Sea Daddy was for!! He was there to teach you the lessons of swashbuckl’n that only his wisdom could provide!!!

I remember one of my first lessons on the ol’ Baglady! One of those edumacational circumstances you’ll never forget!! I’d even used it a time or two myself!! There I was in Gun Plot amongst the rest of the Firecontrol Boys and Canon Cockers wasting time just after Morning Quarters for some ‘GMT’ when my Sea Daddy sat me down for a new lesson in life…

“Let me show you how to wipe your ass with one sheet of shit paper!”

“I already know how to wipe my ass… I don’t need to be potty trained!”

“Oh shut your shit pouch and listen up!”

I didn’t know what to think! Why did I need training on wiping my own ass? He said it was about conserving shit paper on long deployments or something of the like!!  I watched with intent as he removed a single square from the roll he had on the plotting desk!!

“First, fold it in half twice… like this!”

… he said …

“Then take the corner with the folds like so and tear off a small piece so you got a hole in the middle of the square and set that torn piece aside for later!”

Others now gathered round to see what the commotion was about!!!

“Now put your index finger through the hole and wrap the rest of the paper over your hand to keep it from getting shit all over it!  Now you can wipe your ass with your finger and shake off the excess shit like this!”

He pretended to wipe his ass and pulled his finger up and shook it like a dirty booger!!!

“You’re almost done! Take your clean hand and slide it up under the shit paper and remove it with a twist and wiping up, cleaning your finger at the same time! Now toss that piece in the shitter!”

 … This is where I knew I’d been had …

“Now remember that little torn piece I told you we’d save for later?”


“Well you take that piece and you clean the shit out the fingernail of the index finger!”

Without even crack’n a smirk, he demonstrated the whole process…

“Oh, and one last thing!”

“What’s that?”

“Make sure you eat and pick your nose with the other hand… and that’s GMT for today! Now get back to work!”

The whole gauddamned group was rolling at the look of disgust on my face!!! 

Then there was the misguided deviance of a few shipmates on the Chucky ‘V.’ When living in a ‘Good ol’ Boys Club’ amongst reckless cretins you tend to pick up some bad habits… and when you continue trying to top one another it leads to some unorthodox behavioral patterns!! Like flipping a shipmate a simple bird just didn’t quite cut the mustard!! Somewhere between being the new guy to earning your salt, it went from giving the middle finger to showing your cock and balls!!!

I specifically remember hauling ass to one of the aft CIWS Mounts to give a guy a chow relief from watching over ship fitters while in the yards! He said some smart ass shit like shipmates often do and my obvious response as I pulled out my twig & berries…

“No but I’ve got some Tube Steak smothered in underwear for you… it’s what's for dinner!”

… To that he grabbed my junk whilst pulling me towards the door and asked me if I’d like to go on a tour around the ship!!!

It was unscrupulous antics such as these the seared such great memories into the back of our cerebrums! We didn’t have a ‘PC Wrecking Ball’ forcing us to dress in neutral gender clothing and pretend there ain’t no difference between an innie and an outie!! Looking back over the ensuing span of the past several years and sifting through my old memories… I’m sure glad I got to enjoy it while I did!!!