Saturday, July 23, 2016

'Joint Exercise'

Some Sailors were partaking in a joint exercise with Israeli Commando's. Part of the exercise required the group to infiltrate a public beach from the sea, and fit in while the security force attempted to find and capture them.

They made it to the beach, and actually went into a restaurant to eat undetected. A good looking Israeli Sergeant came into the restaurant and seated herself next to one of the Sailors. She said…

“Tag, you’re caught.”

 The Sailor asked…

“What do we do now?”

… and she said ordered lunch. Things looked good at this point and the security forces and the invaders had lunch. The Sailor asked one of the security guys about the Sargent. He was told that she was a recent widow. Upon returning to the table he expressed his condolences, and asked how he had died. She said…

“He died because of Gonorrhea!”

The Sailor replied…

“I’d never heard of that being fatal?!?”

… She replied…

 "When you give it to me it is!"  



Saturday, July 16, 2016

'Another Bawdy Shanty'

Oh, they sent for the Navy to come to Tulagi,
The gallant Navy agreed.
With one thousand sections in different directions,
My God, what a fucked-up stampede.

Fuck 'em all, fuck 'em all
The long and the short and the tall.
Fuck all the admirals who give us the flak;
They don't give a shit if we ever come back.
So we're saying goodbye to them all,
As over the gangplank we crawl.
There'll be no promotion this side of the ocean,
So cheer up, my lads, fuck 'em all.

They say there's a convoy that's leaving New York,
Bound for those Blighty shores;
Heavily laden with tanks and with planes,
Shit for old Adolf, of course.

Fuck 'em all, fuck 'em all
The long and the short and the tall.
Fuck all the captains and all the mates too,
Fuck the engineers and the whole God-damn crew.
So we're saying goodbye to them all,
As back to our rustpots we crawl.
We'll start a commotion that side of the ocean,
So cheer up, my lads, fuck 'em all.

They sent for the nurses to come overseas,
The reason was perfectly clear:
To make a good marriage and push a good carriage
While fucking all hands, my dear.

Fuck 'em all, fuck 'em all
The long and the short and the tall.
Fuck all the blond cunts and all the brunettes;
Don't be too choosey, just fuck all you gets.
So we're saying goodbye to them all,
As over back to our rustpots we crawl.
You'll et no erection at short-arm inspection,
So cheer up, my lads, fuck 'em all.



Thursday, July 14, 2016

'Comshaw Of PreComm Load Outs'



When a ship is precommissioned it’s allotted a large load out of equipment prior to sea trials which is stored in the shipyard. In one shipyard warehouse, the equipment for each ship was segregated and stored in separate wire mesh cages with locked doors.

Ship's crew members were only allowed in the cages after being properly identified. However, warehousemen were far too busy to monitor activities, once proper authorization was established.

One Boatswain’s Mate peered through the cage wire mesh and noted that the cruiser's cage next door had a lot of equipment his ship could use as well as a beautiful, huge coil of mooring line whose diameter was much larger than authorized for a destroyer. He also noted that tile cage partitions did not extend all the way to the warehouse ceiling.

He and his crew then stacked equipment high enough to climb over the partition and into the cruiser's cage and equipment transfers were quickly made. The coil of mooring line, however, was another matter. It was much too heavy to move as a coil. This problem was solved by passing one end over the partition and coiling the line on the destroyer side.

All went well until halfway through the evolution. That’s when the Boatswain and a few other crewmen from the cruiser showed up about as welcome as a nut cutlet at a cannibal barbeque! Old Boats from the cruiser looked stonier than a biblical execution! Things got a little intense for a while but the cruiser's Boatswain seemingly realized they were a little outnumbered. So looking at the coil of line he wisely suggested…

"Could you just put it back and we’ll call it a day?!?"

The Tin Can Sailors did just that and nothing was made of it, including any of the rest of the equipment transfers that apparently went unnoticed! However, since that type of requisition works both ways, you can't help but wonder how much of the destroyer’s gear went to sea on that cruiser.



Tuesday, July 12, 2016

July's 'Riggin' Bill'



Just the semi-articulate account of a long ago Crackerjack and his troubles & tributes with women and the lost ways of life in those days!!!

Dear Lotta:

At first I did not understand your letter, but now I think I see it all. It is your sister Peachy’s fault!  All the time I thought I was dating you when it was really her!! Lotta, your sister Peachy has fooled us both… she was talking to one of the Marines at the gate when I was coming out two weeks ago and I thought it was you!!!

I walked up and said…“Come Baby, let’s go places!”

She should have told me she was Peachy as she knows how I feel about you, but I cannot tell you apart! Lotta, you have got to believe me and give that French Sailor the brush-off as he is not as dumb as you think!! Anyhow, your knee can get very callous that way!!!

Lotta, I will make up all this lost time to you! I can teach you all the sailors’ knots in a week and then you won’t have to worry about Peachy!! But first we have to get this situation solved so I can tell you and Peachy apart and not make the same mistake again!!!

Why don’t you dye your hair red?!?

In this way I could tell you from Peachy and what do we care if she copy’s you! There are a lot of colors in the rainbow and we can beat her at her own game!! If you don’t like this idea maybe you can come up with a new one, but in the mean time get rid of this new Frenchy… who does he think he is, Balzac?!?

Unfortunately I spent all my money on Peachy the last week thinking it was you, and pay-call is still a week away!  Would you like to go for a walk on the boardwalk at Coney Island on Sunday?!? We can listen to what the wild waves are saying, and I don’t mean those girls in uniform!!!

Yours,

Riggin Bill


Friday, July 8, 2016

'Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?'




Naval Education and Training Command (NAVEDTRA): The purpose is to

familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing

should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise.

Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety

observer.

-

Bureau of Naval Personnel (BUPERS): Due to the needs of the Navy,

chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road.

This will be 3-year unaccompanied tour and we promise to give the

chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be

required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not

affect its opportunities for future promotion.

-

Naval Air Warfare Center (NAWC): This event will need confirmation;

we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and

weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within

the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility

that they might cross thruways designated by some as "roads."

-

Commander-in-Chief, U.S. Naval Forces, Europe (CINC VEUR):

The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken

remained under the OPCON of COMSIXTHFLEET and did not CHOP

to the theater on the other side of the road. Without Chopping, the

chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect,

real-time in-transit visibility.

-

Naval Intelligence: What chicken?

-

Naval Air Systems Command (NAVAIR): The chicken was instructed

to hold short of the road. This road incursion incident was reported

in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-

emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short

instructions.

-

Space and Naval Warfare Systems Command (SPAWAR): The

"stovepipe" chickens of today will be replaced with a multi-function,

supported, affordable, integrated and interoperable world-class

chicken to warriors and supporting elements, enabling them to

dominate the roads of today and tomorrow, as we move "Forward...

From the Sea." Comptroller holds and corporate taxes, however, will

require delay fielding for two years, unless Congressional plus-ups

are approved.

-

Lockheed-Martin Chicken Systems (LMCS): In a partnering relationship

with PEO IWS, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical

distribution strategy and implementation processes. LMCS helped

the chicken change to continue meeting its PEO IWS mission.

However, the actual crossing of the road has not occurred due to

the number of CPCRs still open from the CDR.

-

Special Operations Command (SOCOM): The Chicken was never there.

-

NAVAL SAFETY CENTER: Due to the increase in the visibility of

the possible dangers in chicken crossings both real and perceived a

Navy-wide Chicken Road Crossing Shall Safety Stand-Down will be

conducted prior to the end of this quarter. Chicken Road Crossing

Safety Stand-downs will be planned by the each command's safety

committee, safety council, and submitted to the planning board for

training (PB for T) for scheduling in the POW/D.

-

OPNAV: Due to the recent rash of chicken road crossing events,

OPNAV N 12T has order COMOPTEVFOR to conduct a Chicken Road

Crossing Deep Dive.

-

National Security Agency (NSA): We do not have any definitive

information on the Chicken Crossing the Road (CCTR). NSA only has

CCTR metadata or "data about data" of the CCTR. So we can only

tell you how many times the road was crossed, not who crossed it.

  
                     

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

'ExPats'



When I picture the ol’ salts who are now expats hang’n the fray in faraway places like the PI… I picture this!!!

Holding fond memories of Olongapo, Barrio and Subic City… oh, and the place that made ‘Smiles’ famous, it’s become a retirement home to ol’ forgone Sailors & Marines!!!

I bet you promised yourself you’d behave when you got there! But it only took a half pitcher of Mojo, a few San Migoos and a Viagra or Two… and off to the races in your Hawaiian Shirts and plaid shorts with your black socks on under your flip flops… HaHaHaHa!!!

 Those exotic little brown women… They smile, wink and say,

"Hey you, you buy me drink?"

They know the exact amount 'American' it cost for you to get beyond their panties! Yes… A little slice of erotic intimacy with the meter running!! At the going rate of the peso, you can get drunk, laid, and a monkey meat fiesta for less than an hour’s pay in the states!!!

So, there you are in a foreign land… half lit-up, plotting an adventure in unacceptable behavior… … a romp through youthful indiscretion! Envious?!? Your Gauddamned right I am!!!  

Those little dark-eyed darlings with stuff residing under those cute little skirts that'll have you drunk on lust! Nothing like a place to lounge and get loaded while basking in the sun and chasing Honey-koes day in and day out while living like Kings!! That’s the life!!!