Thursday, June 23, 2016

'Navy Training'

While in preparation for Combat Systems Qualifications a Chief on the Combat System’s Training Team (CSTT) became a bit embroiled with an Ensign who thought he knew best on how to train the troops!  Feeling confident in his status he questioned the Chief as to how he could become a member of the CSTT team!! As the Ensign continued on with his braggadocious ways the Chief decided to answer his overture…

“Well this is how it’s done Ensign! You see we show them a bath filled with water, a large bucket, a large cup and a spoon. Then we ask them what the quickest way to empty the water in the bath would be.”

… Then the Ensign chimes in …

“Oh, I see… that is pretty simple. The smarter ones obviously would pick the bucket!”

“No actually, the smarter ones say pull out the plug! How long you been in the Navy again?”

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

'Wimmins Infiltrat'n The Ol' Boys Club'

Now before I get into this yarn, I just want to say I already expect the assertions that… I’m a misogynist that must really hate women… blah, blah, blah… and that while growing up I probably used Barbie as a pin cushion for my GI Joes… which I did but that’s beside the point! Yes, we are a sorry bunch of bastards us men!! Sinners we are… neck deep in the quicksand of iniquity!! OOOOH the shame of it all!!!

But I want you to ponder this for a moment… A man, with a bit of persuasion, might open doors for a woman! He might even hold out her chair in a restaurant!! But I’ll be damned if a woman ever does that shit for a Man!!  You might say…
“Well, of course not! That wouldn’t be gentlemanly like!”

… Because by instinct men are expected to care for women… and we as men expect to do it! It no longer makes sense… but it’s engrained in our DNA!! Look at the shit show going on in Washington DC about Selective Service for Women… Capiche?!?

Before women were presented to us by the likes of God on the deck plates of the world’s finest warships we had a reputation devoid of the kindly enlightened impact of the fairer sex!  We often reverted to a more primitive state of thinking traced back to our Neanderthal roots!! Our inner savagery led to pranks and horseplay of Olympic size proportions!! Today’s Politically Correct wouldn’t approve of such shenanigans from sordid Crackerjacks of the Ol’ Canoe Club!!!

I suppose there is something to be said about being civilized… after months of seclusion on a Tin Can bouncing about in the middle of nowhere… men became exponentially uglier by the moment! It is an undeniable fact men become uncivilized when there’s no bosoms & lace around and do some pretty unsavory things!! The ship got underway and common decency was left on the pier… while it became a free for all everyman for himself Smörgåsbord where only the strong survived!!!

Shuffling through that massive cobweb between my ears I seem to remember a bunch of goofballs without a clue! When berthing was a real man’s domicile with empty soda cans filled with chaw, girly magazines on the deck, and clothes strewn as far as the eye could see!! We had the mindset of a Hostess Ding Dong… and thought with one too if you know what I mean!! We entertained each other in the most precarious ways…

“ Hey guys, I found this letter under Swing’s pillow… Oh Darling, I can’t wait ‘til I get back I miss you so much! I have a present for you… In the back seat of my car!”

“That’s why he’s saving up all those Trojans Doc’s been passing out…Ha-Ha!”

Back then it was understood… Girls wanted a lot of things from men and conversely men wanted one thing from girls! It wasn’t complicated… If we open doors for them and gave them a comfortable life then they open their legs for us!! She might say…

“You seem annoyed, I think you might need a sexual outlet!”

To which he might say…

“Well honey, if you’ve got an outlet… I’ve got the prong for it!”

Women traded sex for what they wanted and men traded anything and everything for sex… it seemed like an even exchange!! East was East, and West was West, and the twain would meet at the drop of a hat!!!

Then the women got smart on us… they started figuring out the game and realized they had all the pussy… and with all the pussy comes all the power! Pretty soon they weren’t satisfied with the way things were!! They wanted everything they had plus what the men had too!!!

So the twist in the social rope began! Women got more than equal rights, plus palimony, the child support, the child, the house, the car, the gold mind… and us men?!? Well… we got the shaft!!  But if that wasn’t enough the government in all its wisdom decided we needed to impose women on all the ol’ boys clubs and societies that are out there… even if they don’t want to be a part of it!! So they started infiltrat’n our ranks with the wimmins!!!

Hell, in the beginning, I didn’t seem to mind! It sure beat look’n at Billy Bob’s ugly mug every day!! You ain’t never gonna learn something as profoundly as when it’s purely out of curiosity… and I’d seen some things!!!

The idea of putting women on ships was hardly founded on pent-up desires among women to be our combat equals! This here Canoe Club, in its infinite wisdom, decided it so out of the convenience of Social Engineering coming straight to you from Washington DC!! Before we knew it, women were on board ships and things took their course!! It wasn’t so bad at first… and women obviously knew what they were doing!!!

At first it was like…

“Hey, I’d love to meet you in the fanroom and get down to business… I mean your pants!”

“UUUH, no thank you, I’ve already got an asshole down there!”

But then she wised up and the little gal started wiggl’n her ass like bait to the fish on a tin can underway with hundreds of male Crackerjacks hornier than a Vikings helmet! Next thing you knew women were giving birth like Grand Prize Slot Machines and missing deployments while ship’s company ended up with twenty to thirty percent less manpower!!

“How would you like your eggs sweetheart… fertilized or unfertilized?”

… or…

“Do you want to go halves on a bastard?”

It was a sham… a loss of workforce driven by inadequate contraception… what a pity!!!

Hell, it began to smell fishier than Lady Gaga’s Piano Chair! We horsed around on the sexual fringes at first like all young people do!! Then somebody got their knickers in a bunch and raised the Holy Hell Sexual Harassment Flag!!!

All these women… first they were throwing their legs up in the air, next they were throwing their hands up in the air… and the New Canoe Cabaret was born! It’s like a bunch’a fluttering hens in the coop losing their collective minds with the fox in the hen house!! The immediate cause of flutter is still unknown… but many careers were lost, and many are still going down the drain!!!

Ain't it grand? If a man says a bad word in the passageway, or glances at her legs, a woman should swoon, deftly calling her legal advocate before hitting the deck and maybe going into seizures!! Is this Victorian England all over again?!?

I say rinse the sand out of your crotch and spare the rest of us the frustrations of sitt’n through another unpleasant session of a ‘Red light, Green light’ GMT!  Just say one wrong thing and they’ll be on you like buzzards on carrion… well I've seen road kill better looking than some of those ogres!! It’s all about punishing the Masses for the mistakes of a Few!!!

Don’t get me wrong… I have no objections to the wonderful gals who join our Navy and serve onboard! Hell, a few made some of the best shipmates!! I just don’t see the need to be giving them handicaps and handouts for equal footing!! If you think I’m full of shit, just look at the skewed Physical Fitness Requirements!!!
Then there’s the Tranny issue…

It’s enough to make you as comfortable as a twisted testicle… I think I’d rather play leapfrog with a unicorn! I just don’t know how the young lads do it these days!! Or maybe I’m just not properly anchored to the planet!!!

In the future Navy ‘Drag’ will be encouraged… maybe even required! I swear if I joined the Navy today I’d soon have to wear an armored bathysphere for personal protection!! This could change the whole meaning of sexual harassment in a nutshell!!!

Friday, June 17, 2016

'June Installment Of Riggin' Bill'

Just the semi-articulate account of a long ago Crackerjack and his troubles & tributes with women and the lost ways of life in those days!!!

Dear Bill:

You are a run-down heel! When we met in Central Park you said our hearts were in accord!! A cord is right… You were stringing me along, and I was fool enough to get roped in by your beautiful talk!!!

Are you dating my sister Peachy? I have not been out with you in two whole weeks, and I notice Peachy has learned some seaman’s knots she didn’t know two weeks ago!! All you ever taught me was the square knot, and she can do the half-hitch already!!!

Mother thinks your long absence might be because you went to sea!  To see somebody, I think, I cannot bear anything that reminds me of you!! Mother had Navy beans for supper the other night and I burst into tears at the dinner table!! I could not eat them, but I saw Peachy have a second helping!!!

Don’t think I’m going to sit around waiting for you, you conceited gob, because I have met a very nice sailor from one of the French Battleships! I do not understand his language, but he is very helpful!! He is going to help me get rid of the anchor you had tattooed on my knee!! I don’t know the French word for ‘Tattoo’ and I keep trying to explain to him that he can’t rub it off with his hand, but he doesn’t seem to understand!! He is trying hard though, but I think he’s a little dumb in that way!!!

If you cannot explain your long absence I am going to burn all your letters and scatter the ashes to the seven winds!  I could sue you for breach of promise for some of the things in those letters!! But, I’m not that kind of girl, you louse!!!

Yours Brokenly,

Lotta Tyme

Saturday, June 11, 2016

'Skin Books'

Before ‘Sex Education’ in schools, we didn’t have direct access to the Masonic Secrets of the Dark Templar of nekkit lady information! No, we had to resort to nekkit women with banana boobs in National Geographic… now that’s desperation!! But every once in a while your old man left out an ol’ dog eared Playboy or Penthouse…!!!

Then before the wimmins came aboard, we used these juicy skin books as the medium exchange for trade! When I was a young boot on my first ship, ol’ Ronnie Hosmer used to say…

“If you ain't never laid in a rack reading skin books with a bottle of Jergens, scratching your ass and listening to a couple of idiots jabber jaw’n… you ain’t lived the Navy life!”

Friday, June 10, 2016

'When The Trouble Starts'

A Navy man walks into a bar. Sitting himself down, he tells the bartender…

 "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts!"
The bartender pours a drink and watches as the man quickly downs it.

Putting the glass on the bar, the sailor says…

"Give me another drink before the trouble starts!"

The bartender pours another glass and the sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first, before asking for another, again adding…

". . . before the trouble starts!"

After several rounds of this the bartender says…

"Look sailor, you've been in here ten minutes and you keep talking about trouble starting. Just when is this ‘trouble’ going to start?"
The sailor looks at the bartender and says…

"The trouble starts just as soon as you find out that I ain't got any money."

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

'Buy Me Drink Girl'

Buy-me-Drink girl saddles up to you, she sits down, you buy her a lady drink, she presses a leg against you…

You ask for a Mojo… You pour the Mojo down… then your San Migoo!

You've got her worried, she doesn't know if you're a killer, a madman or an idiot – But all you want is to drill her!

She is 18 from Cebu, one of a family of Twenty-Two...

She sends money home but most of it goes on booze and cock-fighting… (She’ll be fighting a different kind of cock tonight!!!)

She is shy at first but after a lady drink or two she’s dry humping in your lap...

It's one a.m. in a dead cow world... You ask her how much for head… drink everything down… it tastes like machine oil...
(you doubt your dick tastes better)

You pay the barfine…  But can’t remember where your hotel is?!?

We’ve all been there… Done That!!!

Monday, June 6, 2016

'I Know This Ain't Navy... But'

I'll Be Damned...

(Click On Picture)

Yes this reminded me of a once upon a time 'No Shit' moment...

I once had a CMDCM who as if it wasn’t bad enough reported onboard swearing to the Chief’s Mess we had the best Skipper the Navy had to offer… let it be known this same Skipper oversaw a Precommissioning of a ship that lost five chiefs to alcohol and fraternization while implicated in the Navy Times as a ship fueled on drug and alcohol issues! That Skipper was also under investigation for improper use of funds!

A few months after the CMDCM checked on board and made such an outlandish claim, the Change of Command ceremony came not a moment too soon! The new Skipper did everything but bad mouth the old Skipper in even the way he handled his Battle Doctrine! Within weeks the CMDCM was praising the new Skipper who obviously had no love for the last…

“He’s the greatest Skipper the Navy has ever had!”

… Yes, He was your typical 'Yes Man' gobbling up the brass nut sack and burying the nose in the brown hole, turning the Goat Locker into a den of psychotherapy one Chief at a time!!!