Now this here is no shit; for those with little tolerance for non PC language in this story I beg your forgiveness and invite you to pass on by…
I used to know me this ole rope dick son of a bitch name of Dudley once, one of the most unlovely humans ever spawned but he had a heart of gold. Dudley you see had a fondness for women of questionable human ancestry. One could never be entirely certain whether the female he was currently stalking was in fact human, the only truly unquestionable assessment one could make was that they were sturdy and possessed of capital ship displacement.
On several occasions I went steaming with the lad and watched the same scenario unfold each time. We stepped into a typical den of iniquity one evening and while I went forthwith to the plank to secure comestibles and take on ballast Dudley went into search mode. Now I spied me many a comely lass among the crowd and while I considered the exact approach pattern to execute, Dudley ignored them all and continued to peer deep into the mist and the smoke and the darker corners of the establishment where barely discernable forms could be discerned milling about. As I began my approach on a particularly memorable lass – dark of locks and sleek of form, Dudley suddenly stopped his intent searching and stood rigidly transfixed by a particularly unattractive creature dwelling in the darkness. His eyes took on a feverish look and he immediately charged into the murky depths and attached himself to his prey.
The events that transpired for the next half hour or so are legend; Dudley plied his prize with drink, caresses and sweet words worthy of a poet. She slowly went from disbelief that she was in fact the target, to astonishment, then to love – or perhaps the glow of soon to be satisfied lust. Having made his conquest Dudley proudly left the establishment with his trophy on arm never to be seen again that night. I on the other hand ended the evening with unrequited love…
The following day I asked Dudley what madness caused him to seek out the most unlovely female in any establishment and he told me that he did it because they were so grateful – and this is how I knew him to have a heart of gold for he dispensed love to only the most unlovely. And it was true they were grateful; any time we returned to some haunt where he had found a prize you could see his bevy of dedicated fans thundering to his side with cries of joy, flagons of alcohol and great platters of food. While I and my fellows stood about hunting the smooth, the svelte, the glossy of hair and the lovely to only rare success, Dudley never left alone.
For his skill and courage I will forever remember him as the Beast Master long may he reign in his dark realm – a true brother of the salt!
- Lonny Randolph
- Lonny Randolph