Saturday, July 19, 2014

'Flapper King'


I got this story from a bubblehead who sent it to me… knowing how shitters work and the vivid imagination I got going on inside my head, I hope you can fulfill your funny bone as well as I did reading this bit of anecdotal humor…

A submarine shitter ain’t much more than a metal seat colder than a witch’s titty over a ball valve. Flushing is a two-handed process. One does the business, then using the right hand, pulls open the ball valve while opening the sea water valve with the left hand. Then once everything has gone, turns the valve shut and pushes the ball valve back. So where does it all go you ask?!?

The ‘CHT’ tanks eventually get full and the contents have to be blown out to sea, which is the equivalent of a mega flush. Because this makes bubbles, which in turn, make noise that give away the submarine’s position, the process is done slowly. While the tanks are being ‘blown’ you cannot use the ‘shitters!!!’

Well, you can, but just remember not to flush!!!

In case you were really in the dark as to what’s going on, there is a massive ‘fart’ smell that permeates throughout the boat! So when you really gotta go and you can’t hold your horses… No Problem!! Again, just don’t ‘flush!!!’

Because if you do… All that shit in that there CHT tank is taking the path of least resistance… that would be head’n right into your direction!!!

They say there is always one… One on every patrol who forgets about the tanks being blown… used the toilet… and had to ‘flush!!!’

You’d be minding your own damned business when all of the sudden you’d hear a deafening roar like the Hoover Dam just broke open with a resounding scream’n seaman… followed by the smell of a thousand ‘farts!!!’

There, plastered against the bulkhead, is the poor ass victim… hair slicked back in shit with bits & pieces of corn and toilet paper covered everywhere including his whole gauddamned body!!!

After a good clean-up of the head by the poor swabby who didn’t do his diligence as well as a set of shots from the onboard ‘Doc’… the Skipper presents the poor bastard with a ‘Golden Flapper’ Certificate!!!

Every now and again you have a shippy who goes above and beyond to earn ‘TWO’ Certificates during on patrol! This person is given a Burger King Crown making him the ‘Flapper King!!!”

Talk about shitt’n in your own nest! You ever see a Navy Recruiting Poster with a ‘Crackerjack’ covered in Shit?!? Imagine the medley of animated facial expressions from your shipmates!! I guess there’s a reason they call it ‘Sailor Proofing’…


Friday, July 18, 2014

'Sailor Arrested For Vagrancy'




This sailor was on Liberty in San Diego and got picked up by the Police for being drunk and for vagrancy. The Cop took him off to the Night Court Judge.

The judge reviewed the case and said to the sailor…

"I can understand you getting arrested for being drunk but for vagrancy, I find that hard to believe. I know that your Commanding Officer would have made sure you had money before you left the ship. Would you like to explain to me just what you had done with your money?"

The sailor fidgets for a moment then says…

"Well you see your Honor, I spent most of it on Wine, Women and Music…

… The judge nods his head …

“Then I just wasted the rest of it."


Monday, July 14, 2014

'A Few Good FCs'


Son, we live in a world that needs Guns, Radars & Missiles, and that kind of equipment needs to be maintained by technicians in Gun Plots, Radar Rooms, Director & Computer Rooms as well as CIC. Who's going to do it, you?
I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You demand ordnance on target down range and a perfect picture on your little radar display. You curse the FC's despite our swift response to trouble calls through CSOOW & the CSC. You have the luxury of ignorance and not knowing what I know.
Being technically challenged, while tragic, is probably the result of a low IQ and a dismal ASVAB score; and my existence, while lacking the appropriate respect I deserve and beyond your comprehension, keeps Sailors like you safe from the bad guys and on a sound navigating ship!
You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about, you WANT me in those air conditioned spaces… you NEED me in those air conditioned spaces!
We use terms like Fire for effect, Birds Away, O-scope, VSWR, and Schematics. We use these words as the backbone of a life drilling, doing PMS and troubleshooting!
I have neither the time, nor the inclination to explain myself to a person who surfs the net and e’mails home while underway while I provide the sanctity and comfort to do so then questions how I provide it! I would rather you just said thank you and went on your way; otherwise I suggest you pick up a Gauddamned Fluke, or an O’scope and some Schematics!
Either way, I don't give a DAMN what you think you are entitled too!!

Saturday, July 12, 2014

'BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS'


Towards the end of the golf course, the Chief hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch..

All of a sudden...

… POOF …

In a flash of puff and smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said…

"I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?”

The Chief stands there abruptly stunned not knowing what to say…

“Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

… POOF! …

 And she was gone!

After Chief recovered from the shock, he hollered for his golf budd, the  Master Chief…

"Master Chief, where are you?"

Master Chief yells back…

"I'm over here in the pussy willows!!!"

Chief shouts back…

“DON'T SWING MASTER CHIEF; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!”


Friday, July 11, 2014

'O’ Jeepney Driver'


Sung to the tune of "Take Me Home, Country Roads," by John Denver

Almost heaven, Olongapo City,
Green, green mountains, shadow o'r Shit River.
Life is fast here, faster than your eyes,
Filipino haircut, if you butterfly.

O’ Jeepney driver, take me home,
To the girl, I belong,
Giling-giling, all night long,
Take me home, Jeepney driver.

All my mem’ries, are about her,
Sexy lady, down in Subic City.
Dark and thrusty, under the table,
Misty taste of Mojo, make me want to go home.

O’ Jeepney driver, take me home,
To the girl, I belong,
Giling-giling, all night long,
Take me home, Jeepney driver.

I hear her voice in the evening how she calls me,
She says, "Come on honey-ko, it’s time to go to bed.
While walkin’ down the road I get a feelin' that I
Haven’t pissed since yesterday, I’m broke today.*

O’ Jeepney driver, take me home,
To the girl, I belong,
Giling-giling, all night long,
Take me home, Jeepney driver.

O' Jeepney driver, take me home
O' Jeepney driver, take me home.
*Variation: While drivin’ down the road I get a feelin'
She took all my Pesos yesterday, yesterday.

Written by an FTG2 Blaine Collins, US Navy, 1975-1980


Wednesday, July 9, 2014

The PI...


'The PI is what Sailors call an Adult Disneyland! It was the last Pirate Port in the World!!'