Thursday, September 18, 2014

‘Selling Cameras To Sorry Sailors Off Base’


Image found at DietzDolls.com


According to our Company Commanders and Career Counselors at Great Mistakes, there were folks in the Lakehurst Mall and North Chicago area who would sell any fella in a ‘Crackerjack Uniform’ three quarters of the known world for 'no’ money down and 48,000 monthly payments with balloon interest rates exceeding the national debt!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

'An Unusual Case In The Shipyard Machine Shop'


Back in my days on the ‘Chucky V’ there was this here rumor circulat’n the passageways that this matter had happened right there in the Puget Sound Naval Shipyard Shop 31! Don’t know if there’s any truth to the matter but according to ‘Snopes.com’ the incident did happen… just a question of where I suppose, but the time frame fits about right!! Besides, no-shitters are usually a lot of horse shit mixed with a bit of bullshit sprinkled on top… So here goes it!!!

One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.

After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.

Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staple of the type used in putting up wallboard.

We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.

Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop of the Naval Shipyard at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification.
 

Origins:   The above-cited article about a machine shop worker who sliced his scrotum open while masturbating with a piece of machinery at a Naval Shipyard (causing the loss of a testicle), then simply stapled the sac back together, was popular fodder in text-based Internet discussion groups in the early 1990s. Despite the clinical tone of the article, told from a first-person perspective of the doctor who treated the patient's resulting injuries and infection, many readers found the scenario described too bizarre to be true and suspected it was a hoax crafted by someone working in the medical field.


As a first step towards verifying or debunking this item, we tracked down a copy of the medical journal that had supposedly published the article and ascertained that the article did indeed appear in the July 1991 issue of Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality. Still, some doubters didn't consider that to be sufficient proof that the events described therein had actually occurred — the journal editors might have been fooled by a doctor who sent in a fictitious case report as a prank, they insisted.

So, we tracked down the physician whose name appeared at the head of the article and contacted him to see if he could verify the account and supply any additional information. He replied to us as follows:

Dear Mr. Mikkelson:

I am now retired, but submitted the article; I treated the patient about 20-25 years ago and have had phone calls from all corners of the U.S. ever since. A Xerox is on the billboard in practically every army post, college dorm, men's club, etc. I've had interviews/phone by talk-show hosts, etc… but no Phil Donahue yet!

The man actually came to me three days post-injury when the fever, swelling, and pain of secondary infection frightened him. Though unlikely, tetanus was even a possibility. He was not that impressed with the pain of the moment of injury — it happened so quickly, like losing your fingertip to a band-saw — and was unaware his left testis was probably propelled up into the rafters of the machine shop where he worked.

Every man who questions me imagines the initial pain to have been intense, but should realize that once the testis had been ripped out (gasp!) there was not the continuing discomfort one would experience from a first-class kick in the nuts!

I saw him again five years later in the hospital for a non-urologic problem. Incidentally, the Navy has left Xerox copies in every bar along the Mediterranean from Gibraltar to Tel Aviv — my son's girlfriend saw one in Greece two years ago.

… Now if that ain’t one hell of a no-shitter… I don’t know what is!!!





Thursday, September 11, 2014

‘Watch Relief’


Sometimes I get stories from shipmates that are too gauddamned funny to pass up... heres one from an anonymous source I thought I'd share!!!

One night back in the early 90s I was standing watch topside while my ship was in dry dock at San Diego! Our Duty Section was short hands so most of us were standing six hour watches!! I’d been drinking Iced Tea all evening before assuming the Petty Officer of the Watch and after an hour in it started catching up to me!!!

At this point I did everything in my power to get a relief, even asking the Officer Of the Deck if I could use the head since it was after TAPs! He wouldn’t budge. Well, as part of the watch someone was supposed to go down to the dry dock under the ship and make the rounds… considering the Officer Of the Deck was and ass and wouldn’t give me the privilege of doing so, he made said rounds!! It was at this point I couldn’t take it any longer!!!

After he headed down the gangway, I preceded forward far enough away from the Quarterdeck for some privacy yet close enough to catch anyone coming aboard or wanting to leave! I unzipped, pulled out the ol’ snake skin and let out a sigh of relief as I let it out over the side of the ship!! In less than a minute I was done and back to resuming the watch!!!

It wasn’t long before the Officer Of the Deck showed back up from the dry dock basin and headed straight for the area I just came from to relieve myself! He began to survey the area with a curious look on his face!! I asked…

“Whatcha looking for Sir?”

… to which he replied…

“I’m looking for the source of the water that dripped upon me while I was under the ship!”

… At that point I did an about face to keep the smirk from giving me away!! And that my friends is a no shitter!!!


Monday, September 8, 2014

‘Found In The Navy Salvage Engineer’s Handbook (Volume 1) (1992)’



‘Ship’s Salvage is a science of vague assumptions based on debatable figures from inconclusive instruments, performed with equipment of problematical accuracy by persons of doubtful reliability and of questionable mentality…’


Monday, September 1, 2014

'The Nastygansett Nasties'


Another from the Preacher Man!!!

 

You guys got that ARR-52 tweaked and the MAD adjusted? Good... Gather 'round, spark 'em up, and listen good 'cause this ain't no shit...or maybe it is LOL!!!

 

One day at NAS Brunswick (a Friday) there wasn't anything to do! So about 1500 or so the chief cut us loose for the afternoon and a few of us went over to the acey deucey club!! Holy moly, the place was almost deserted!!!

 

We were drinkin' barley pops, eatin' bar snacks and watching some fool movie on the tube when we decided to have a good ol’ fart’n contest! Points for volume… stink… and length!! Finally it came down to me and my best bud Tommy!!!

 

Well now, it was Tommy's turn and after a big long suck of his Nastygansett (that's what we called Narragansett beer), he raised one butt cheek, then said quickly…

 

"Owyn, you win! C'mon in the head and I'll pay you!!"

 

WTF… why not pay me right there? But I followed him in an' he said…

 

"You win 'cause I just shit myself. Here's the keys to my apartment in town. Get over there fast, get me skivvies and dungaree trousers, an' under the sink is a box of plastic bags. Be quick as you can. I'll be in a stall!"

 

So off I went, got the stuff, and got back with everythin' in a paper bag so I wouldn't embarrass the poor feller! Tommy like I say was my best bud in the squadron and I never breathed a word while I was in that outfit… But take it from Preacher now boys, there are better things to bet on!! See now… I told you it was a no shitter and it wasn't, didn't I?!? Now let's get this shop lookin' good before it's knockoff time… okay?!? Okay!!!

 


Monday, August 25, 2014

‘Barnacle Bill The Sailor’


Shanty’s and Poems are as much a part of Sailor Tradition as as tell’n No Shitters! I remember having a couple a slugs do this skit when selected for Chief… my Oh my times have changed!! I hope you enjoy Barnacle Bill The Sailor… the adult version of course…

Who's that knocking at my door?
Who's that knocking at my door?
Who's that knocking at my door?
said the fair young maiden

Well

Open the door ya fuckin' whore
said Barnacle Bill the sailor
Open the door ya fuckin' whore
said Barnacle Bill the sailor

Shall we go to the dance?
Shall we go to the dance?
Shall we go to the dance?
said the fair young maiden

Well

To hell with the dance and down with your pants
said Barnacle Bill the sailor
To hell with the dance and down with your pants
said Barnacle Bill the sailor

What's that thing between your legs?
What's that thing between your legs?
What's that thing between your legs?
said the fair young maiden

Well

It's only me pole to stick up your hole
said Barnacle Bill the sailor
It's only me pole to stick up your hole
said Barnacle Bill the sailor

What's that stuff around your pole?
What's that stuff around your pole?
What's that stuff around your pole?
said the fair young maiden

Well

It's only me grass to tickle your ass
said Barnacle Bill the sailor
It's only me grass to tickle your ass
said Barnacle Bill the sailor

What's that dripping down your leg?
What's that dripping down your leg?
What's that dripping down your leg?
said the fair young maiden

Well

It's only a shot that missed your twat
said Barnacle Bill the sailor
It's only a shot that missed your twat
said Barnacle Bill the sailor

What if we should have a boy?
What if we should have a boy?
What if we should have a boy?
said the fair young maiden

Well

He'll go to sea and fuck like me
said Barnacle Bill the sailor
He'll go to sea and fuck like me
said Barnacle Bill the sailor

What if we should have a girl...

Well we'll dig a ditch and bury the bitch
said Barnacle Bill the sailor
We'll dig a ditch and bury the bitch
said Barnacle Bill the sailor

What if Ma and Pa should come home early?
What if Ma and Pa should come home early?
What if Ma and Pa should come home early?
(and find us screwing our brains out on the living room floor)
said the fair young maiden

Well

I'll fuck your Ma and blow your Pa
said Barnacle Bill the sailor
I'll fuck your Ma and blow your Pa
said Barnacle Bill the sailor

Saturday, August 23, 2014

'Confess Ye Sins Or Ye Be Walk'n The Plank'


A sailor comes to port, and decides he really needs to get laid. He walks into town, and sees a sign...

 

"Sisters of Mercy Convent & Brothel"

 

 He walks into what appears to be a church. There's a nun sitting by a table near the door. She intuits what it is he's looking for and says...

 

"Put $5 in this tin cup and walk through that door."

 

The sailor does so, and enters another room, and there's another nun, with a table and a cup...

 

"Ten Dollars!"

 

... she says...

 

"And go through that door."

 

 The sailor goes into a third room, where a third nun with a table and cup asks for fifteen dollars and to go through another door.

 

The sailor coughs up the dough, and walks through the door. It slams and locks behind him, and he is in an alley behind the church, facing a brick wall with a large sign...

 

 "You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy!"