Saturday, June 16, 2018

"Sailor Jack's Fantasy"

All his life Sailor Jack had a fantasy about sexing up a whore with his big toe. He searched for many years and finally found one who was willing to try this ridiculous sex act. Enjoying himself immensely, he at last fulfilled his fantasy.

After a few days, the toe began to swell. It was very painful. His doctor told him after an examination that he had syphilis of the big toe.

"Isn't that unusual?"

Toolard asked.

"Not really," 

... the doctor said ...

"I had a lady in here this morning with athlete's cunt!"

Friday, June 15, 2018

"My Cartoon Doppelganger"

I remember there were several choices in life after graduating high school. I could have worked for the old man, went to the local Community College, or just say the hell with it and join the military. I picked the latter of the three.  I can honestly say that my first six years of indentured servitude were very memorable as much as I thought I hated it! At the time I’d never realized those were some of the best times of my life! Here is a cartoon pic I found that reminded me of a picture I had from those days … I hated the picture as much as I hated being in the ol’ Canoe Club. Boy how times and minds have changed …

I believe we were doing a Pacfire Exercise with CIWS onboard the ol’ Chucky ‘V’ when this picture was taken. I’m surprised I had any brain cells left to even remember such things back in those days … if it weren’t for chasing skirts and drinking to the foam … that was the life of a young sailor in his prime!!!

Friday, June 8, 2018

"Submarine Ops"

“I thought I'd heard every possible description of a submerged operation until a group of teachers toured an attack submarine in San Diego.”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?

He told me that during a ship’s tour a woman asked a Petty officer what it's like steering a submarine underwater with only sonar for guidance…

"Well, ma'am, if you painted your car's windshield black, then drove down the freeway while listening to your bitchy wife with her head out the moon roof while some midget operates the gas and the brakes for you… I guess it would be pretty close." 

Sunday, June 3, 2018

"Zombie Sailor"

-Where is a Zombie Sailor’s favorite place to enjoy the seas?

The Dead Sea!!!

-When a Zombie Sailor goes on liberty what kind of drink does he order at the Base Club?!?

A shot of To-Kill-Ya, a Bloody Mary, and a Mind Eraser!!!

-Why was the Zombie Sailor late to Morning Quarters?

He doesn’t wake up until Ate-O’clock!!!

-Why did the Skipper Bust the Zombie Sailor at Captain’s Mast?

Because he had no leg to stand on!!!

-How did the Zombie Sailor know to go to sickbay?

By his Coffin!!!

-How does the Zombie Sailor look in his Dress Uniform?

Like he’s Dressed to Kill!!!

-What do you call a Zombie Sailor’s favorite kind of Navy Ship?

A Blood Vessel!!!

-Why was the Zombie Sailor afraid to cross the ocean?!?

He had lost his Guts!!!

-Why did the Zombie Sailor end up on a carrier?

His love of Scare-planes!!!

-Where do you find a Zombie Sailor with change?

At Headquarters!!!

-And what does it take to be a Zombie Sailor?

Lots of Dead-ication!!!

Saturday, June 2, 2018

“DJs Suspended For Water Joke That Didn't Wash”

From The Kitsap Sun
Chris Barron, Sun Staff — Apr 3rd, 2004

In the end, it was Robin and Maynard who ended up all wet -- with dihydrogen monoxide.

The morning hosts of Seattle radio station 100.7 KQBZ-FM, known as The Buzz, were suspended for one day Friday after an April Fools' Day prank about Bremerton's water supply fell flat.

The radio station suspended Robin Erickson and John Maynard after they played a three-hour joke that said the Navy contaminated the city of Bremerton's water supply with dihydrogen monoxide -- the chemical name for water.

"It was irresponsible, and although it was an April Fools' Day joke, the last thing we wanted to do was cause any harm to any communities or public services," said KQBZ station manager Dave Richards. "It was not meant to harm anyone, and we apologize."

An apology repeatedly ran on the air Friday.

During the prank, Bremerton and Kitsap County officials asked the station to tell its listeners the skit was just a prank, but the hosts didn't do so until just before their show ended at 10 a.m.

Phyllis Mann, director of Kitsap County Emergency Management, said she and her staff spent about five hours Thursday dealing with the issue. Other city and county agencies also received calls from concerned residents.

Mann said she is asking her staff and any other city and county agencies affected by the prank to add up the time spent addressing the prank.

"I want everyone to gather up the amount of time and charges it cost them because I want to know how much this joke cost our community," she said.

Monday, May 28, 2018

“Jimmy Priestap, A Fallen Hero, What Else Can Be Said”

I’ve been writing these stories for some time now and I figured on Memorial Day I’d better pin something up that’s really worth writing about! Denise Blackburn (Carroll) brought an ol’ shipmate to mind and thought it only fitting that he be included in the memoires of good ol’ shipmates, so here goes!!!

If you look up “clean-cut American Boy” in the dictionary there is surely a picture of Jimmy D. Priestap. When every other dirty rotten scoundrel to include myself was wearing their cracker jacks out debauching the town and causing as much mayhem the mayor of any liberty port might not allow, carousing with women who made Pamela Anderson look like Mother Theresa and shutt’n down all the bars because there wasn’t enough liquor to keep us shipmates adequately supplied, Jimmy was out keeping the piece and doing volunteer work trying to make a good name for the Navy. The kinda thing responsible people do. Yep, he was the poster boy for the Navy’s Core Values, “Honor, Courage & Commitment!”

As a young lad I never understood the concept of good behavior and lived in a world where barbaric, degenerate and contemptible behavior was the norm. I knew the difference between right and wrong but chose to follow my nose and do what felt good at the time. That’s rarely gonna be what’s right! But Jimmy on the other hand was a different breed. While the rest of us scandalous cretins were out boozing and cavorting Jimmy was out getting his uniform pressed for inspection or doing the kind of things mature young men were expected to do. He was the kind of fella that would make any parent proud. The kinda guy you would want your daughter to bring home.

Jimmy was on the Rainier. He was a Damage Controlman and the best one I’d ever met. He always gave 110% in everything he did and was a true believer in whatever cause he chose to defend. He was the best that the best had to offer and anyone you ask will tell you the same. He was our go to guy and could always get you outta trouble when you needed his help. He was a great guy to be around who always had a smile on his face. Mediocrity was not his place and he made sure he gave everything his all.

I heard when he was in High School he was the Captain of his Football team. Sounds about right, he was always one of the best and everyone’s favorite. He was good in all things right as if I hadn't made that point already!

He only broke the rules once that I know of….

One afternoon in the Spring of 1994 Jimmy and I were out in Mission Beach to enjoy an early day off from the Precom Unit at NASCCO Shipyard. It was a busy & sunny day and there wasn’t a damn place to park, legally anyway. So we had to sit and wait for somebody to leave and open a spot. After dilly dallying around for a good while biding our time we were finally in luck. A couple was just getting in their van and pulling out so Jimmy crept up in his big ol’ pickup truck so we could pull right in.

Just as the couple had pulled out some chicken livered bastard pulled right up and took the spot right from under our noses in his little tin can convertible midget. He just happened to squeeze in before we had a chance to haul that big crate of a pickup into the spot. This about blew the lid of ol’ Jimmy’s top. He was so damn livid he was ready to pulverize that rotten lowlife sonuvabitch.

Jimmy rolled down his window and asked the fella, “What gives?”

He says to Jimmy, “To bad so sad, finders keepers loser weepers!”

I never seen Jimmy so fervently enraged. It took me a good five or ten minutes to calm’m down and keep’m from climbing outta the truck and beat’n the living day lights outta that panty waste. So I came up with an ingenious plan. We pulled his truck over at the end of the lot and waited for that insipid sonuvabitch to walk off. Just when the moment was right we pulled the stems outta not one, but all his flaccid little tires. We didn’t hang around to see that fella’s face when he got back, but that would have been priceless. It was enough to know he would’ve had to call a tow to pick his butt up. He-he!!!

But you know Jimmy would’ve never thought of that himself. He was too good a person and it took my devilish ways to talk’m into such nonsense. Oh, the webs we wove!!!

I didn’t get the opportunity to know Jimmy after he left the Rainier. He got out of the Navy and moved on. But he was sorely missed. I heard he went down to New Orleans to help clean the carnage that ensued from Hurricane Katrina. Just a typical day for that fella, always lending a helping hand where ever he could.
I would expect nothing less of him to join the Army so he could serve once again in honor of his countrymen after 9/11. That was in his character. While in Iraq, Sgt.1st Class James Priestap, was shot and killed by a terrorist sniper while working at his checkpoint near Baghdad. They say he wasn't even supposed to be at the checkpoint, but a generator blew out and since Jimmy was in charge of the platoon, he went out instead because he felt responsible for his men, a true leader. They also say that just moments before he was killed he was smiling and giving out candy to the kids in the area.

So I write this Sea Story out to Jimmy Priestap in honor of his service to God, Country, Family and all those who were fortunate to serve with him as well as friends who cherished his presents. Jimmy is a real American Hero and will always live in our hearts.

by Dennis Swing