Monday, February 8, 2016

'One Night On Liberty'




One Night on liberty and this Crackerjack ended up a pickled drunk frankfurter in search of a bun!!!

Friday, February 5, 2016

'Signal Shack'

On most ships above the bridge and forward of the superstructure there is a tiny little realm known as the Signal Shack! It’s ruled by Skivvy-Wavers and heavily populated with raggedy assed deck seamen hiding from the knuckle draggers down below!! It was usually safe from Bos’n Chiefs and First Class Deck Apes for they rarely ventured that way as the ill effects of high altitude would set in!!!

The realm was cradled between two sets of halyards and firecontrol gear… directors, radars and the like! And surely no snipe could have found it without an oxygen tank and some navigational help from the North Star!! Even CIC types rarely made the journey as the sun was too bright outside the blue light zone!! But fresh air twidgets were always within close proximity of the Signal Shack!!!

All you had to do was make a bit of racket, flap the shutters on a signal light, or pretend like you were practicing semaphore to look busy… these fellas were rarely engaged in any real productive work! There was only so many inanimate objects and superfluous crap they could do!! Besides, nobody important liked to go up there… it was too easy to get a nose bleed!!! 

There was nothing like heading up on the midwatch and having a smoke and a cup of jo while bullshitt’n with a Skivvy-Waver! We spent hours professionally critiquing the art of bullshit and the finer points of breast size and the game of Rochambeau!! Coking and Joking while trading tribal knowledge on porn and how ugly Chief’s wife was, and all the other quandaries, questions and philosophies as we rummaged through a percolated pot of fresh coffee… the tonic of the Gods underway!! Let’s face it, we operated on coffee… morning and night pouring the black sludge down our gullet strong enough to wake the dead!!!

Sitting in the shack late at night listening to music off the coast, telling lies and Sea Stories while flipp’n the new kid shit for being a pain the hip pocket! Who remembers swing’n the halyards like giraffe testicles in the wind!! It was just a chance to air out the armpits, and see what the world was like under a million stars at night!! Take a second and close your eyes… do you remember it?!?

Something about that nighttime steaming, exchanging meaningless trivial dealings and developing all-hands collusions and conspiracies under a red light! Topside clown car circus acts were abundant as we took lunatic tomfoolery to buccaneer proportions!! Devious and resourceful as we were… you’d be amazed at the kind of shit we pulled on a midwatch!!!

The days though calmer under visibility of light were no less entertaining! Everyone seems normal until you get to know them!! SMC Clayton used to joke and tell us…

“Never be afraid to try something new… you know, amateurs built the Ark but professionals built the Titanic!”

Characters were plenty like SM2 ‘Meth Head’ eventually getting booted for failing Operation Golden Flow! SM2 Butcher always had troubles with the ladies!! And who could forget SM1 Musser who always had a good joke to tell!!!

Then there was the young female SMSN who enjoyed keying other peoples cars and starting trouble! Or what about that young Skivvy Waiver right out of school not onboard more than a couple of weeks...

He’d been sent down on a fool’s errand to blow the MPA, that’s Main Propulsion Assistant to all you non seafaring landlubbers out there! Yeah, that fella was about as smart as bait… The poor lad didn’t know any better and the DCA was on watch!! He looked at the little feller while unzipping his drawers and said…

“Well the MPA isn’t here but will the DCA do?”

The kid came back to the Signal Shack shaking like a dog shitting razor blades!! ‘Panty Shields up Captain’… this one went to the chaplain and ended up in a rubber room off the ship after that little fiasco!! Some are born to take it on the chin and some aren’t!!!

And in the mornings shortly after Quarters as SMC would come around…

“What are you chuckle fucks doing, posing for animal crackers? Get the fuck out of my Signal Shack unless you’re doing something useful!”

But FC2 Henry rarely took head… his boat didn’t have all the oars in the water!

“Henry, if I throw a stick will you leave?”

“What’s a matter Chiefy Weefy?”

If you ever want to see what the burst radius of a Chief Petty Officer is, just call him ‘Chiefy Weefy!’

“You… what are you a Dipshidiot? Off my bridge! Better yet, off my Planet!”

Chief was on him like a bum on a baloney sandwich…

“Henry, you’re stuck on stupid ain’t ya? Proof evolution can go in reverse!”

Henry walked away with his tail between his legs looking like a crow shit him on a fence post and the sun hatched him out!! I asked him once…

“Henry, how do you make it in life?”

… He’d say…

“The lord works in mysterious ways!”

Poor fella, took a lot of verbal abuse, especially by the SMC and he was never the wiser!!!

Sometimes those fellas would take strikers from the lower elements of the bottom-feeding enlisted types down below! They said the Skivvy-Wavers were a much nicer bunch then them knuckle draggers down below!! I remember a Seaman Sharp who made his escape to the Signal Shack after his incessant whining down in Deck!! This little fellas nose was snottier than a frog in a blender!!!

He always walked around writing in this homemade looking comic book he called a ‘zine!’ One night underway I woke up to the sound of heaving from the bottom rack… there was Sharp looking as though he had too much liberty!! I dragged his ass to the deep sink for a 0200 hour swab & shower party while swinging the hook outside of Hong Kong!!!

I should’ve known all the fun was going to end when SM1 was keelhauled for telling inappropriate jokes! They said it was unprofessional behavior unbecoming of a First Class Petty Officer!! No amount of lube could prepare him for the ass hump’n that would inevitably come as a result… kept him from ever making Chief I reckon!!!

You ever wonder why men have issues with women onboard… the writing was on the wall! One thing I learned in the Ol’ Canoe Club… someone will find a way to fuck it all up!! Lord help me to know what’s cooking before it boils over!!!

And before you knew it, between the ‘Right Sizing’ and all that other Hoo Yah… they diminished the history of the ol’ Canoe Club by getting rid of the Skivvy-Waivers! Those ‘Save A Dime Boat Jockeys’ had systematically destroyed all the things that made the Navy Great and started merging out the best rates!! Why did they have to get rid of the Skivvy-Waver?!? Why did those sterile bastards have to shit can one of the most traditional rates around?!?

I know nothing is Ad Infinitum… but what happens when all the computer doo hickeys and gyro gadgets hooked up to the GPS zippity dooh dahs run out of juice or get taken out by and EMI flash or whatever?!? Will our Crackerjacks be up to the task of Dot-Dot-Dash or a bit of semaphore?!? I know Quartermasters are somewhat trained but how lubricated are those skill sets when they’re trying to figure out digital chart tables and simulated sextants over a 4D screen?!?

One day we’ll find ourselves without the power to make our whizbangs go boom and get set a hundred years behind the times! Just look at our young’ns now… can’t last five minutes without burying the heads in their phones!! Sometimes it’s hard to tell the ways of the new Canoe Cabaret from a bunch of bad ideas that just happened together!! No matter how technologically advance today’s fleet becomes, it’s still all about ships and men… oh, and wimmins too!!!

The Signal Shack had a very select group of members… Sosbee, Pohowpatchoko, Musser, Spear, Butcher, Sharp and all the like… they were engaged in the national security of horse manure and grab ass! We all remember it!!!

If you ever hungout topside on the signal bridge late at night, you could always tell when it had been a good night of shoot’n the shit by the number of cigarette butts and coffee cups left sitt’n around them Skivvy-Wavers would be bitch’n about!! And you were damn proud to have been a part of it all…!!!

And so it went with our butts parked in a warm Signal Shack drinking jet black tarred coffee and sort’n all kinds of bullshit!!!


Wednesday, February 3, 2016

‘We The Willing’


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"We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful! We have done so much for so long with so little, that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing!"

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

‘Friggin’ In The Riggin’

‘Good Ship Venus’, better known as ‘Friggin' in the Riggin', is a bawdy drinking song contrived to shock the hell outta listeners with the lewdest and crudest lyrics of sexual debauchery imaginable! The portrayal of the ship's morally loose crew is quite likely the result of Privateering & Buccaneering during the Sixteenth to Nineteenth Centuries!!  There have been many variations from the origin which particularly speak to the Captain’s daughter…

The captain's daughter Charlotte
Was born and bred a harlot
Her thighs at night
Were Lily White
By morning they were Scarlet.

The ultimate fate of the original ship Venus is unknown, though there have been five ships in Her Majesty’s Navy with such a name! The most current lyrics of the song were made famous by the English Punk Rock Group ‘The Sex Pistols’ and were revived again later by the American Speed Metal Group ‘Anthrax’…

It was on the good ship Venus
By Christ, ya should’a seen us
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast, a mammoth penis

The Captain of this lugger
He was a dirty bugger
He wasn’t fit to shovel shit
From one place to another

Friggin’ in the riggin
Friggin’ in the riggin
Friggin’ in the riggin
There was fuck else to do

Captain’s name was Morgan
By Christ, he was a gorgon
Ten times a day sweet tunes he’d play
With his fuckin’ organ

The first mate’s name was Cooper
By Christ, he was a trooper
He jerked and jerked until he worked
Himself into a stupor

Friggin’ in the riggin
Friggin’ in the riggin
Friggin’ in the riggin
There was fuck all else to do

The second mate was Andy
By Christ, he had a dandy
Till they crushed his cock on a jagged rock
For cumming in the brandy

The cabin boy was Flipper
He was a fuck’n nipper
He stuffed his ass with broken glass
And circumcised the Skipper

Friggin’ in the riggin
Friggin’ in the riggin
Friggin’ in the riggin
There was fuck all else to do

Friggin’ in the riggin
Friggin’ in the riggin
Friggin’ in the riggin
There was fuck all else to do

The Captain’s wife was Mabel
To fuck, she wasn’t able
So the dirty shits, they nailed her tits
Across the barroom table

The Captain had a daughter
Who fell in deep sea water
And by her squeals we knew the eels
Had found her sexual quarters

Friggin’ in the riggin
Friggin’ in the riggin
Friggin’ in the riggin
There was fuck all else to do

Friggin’ in the riggin
Friggin’ in the riggin
Friggin’ in the riggin
There was fuck all else to do

Friggin’ in the riggin
Friggin’ in the riggin
Friggin’ in the riggin
There was fuck all else to do

Oh… Those Damned Sailors and Their Shanties... AAARGH!”


Monday, February 1, 2016

'Darwin Awards'

If you ever decide to take a gander at the good ol’ Darwin Awards online… you can find this here article about a shipmate on a genuine USS Birdfarm! Amongst many others it’s got a few good reads!! It kind of reminds me of those Friday Funnies the Safety Officer used to put out!!!

All personnel stationed on an aircraft carrier are given safety lectures and demonstrations. In 1990, a First Class Petty Officer assigned to the mess deck was briefing new junior personnel on electrical safety. He showed them how to fill out a warning tag on circuits undergoing maintenance, and informed them that they were forbidden to work on the circuit until a second person had double-checked the tag and circuit. In a prime demonstration of why the rules were in place, he proceeded to open and grab a circuit that he supposed was de-energized, killing himself in front of 20 thunderstruck students. The poor chap was immediately deep fried, and declared a Darwin Award at the scene.

Well I suppose that First Class Petty Officer was a real live wire! You would’ve figured he had everything going for him… certainly had a bright future and an early retirement wouldn’t you say?!?

I shocked myself pretty damned good stick’n my dick skinners in the live 440V Stable Element once! My Chief said…

“You Know Shipmate… some kids were dropped on their heads as a baby, but you, you were thrown in the air, smacked a ceiling fan, and tossed out the fuck’n window!”

But when you’re walking around with your battery half charged giving live training to the troops like this fella… well it tends to lower your IQ and kills half your personality! I’d say that Squid was turned into ‘Fried Calamari’… did I go too far with that one?!?



Monday, January 25, 2016

‘How To Skate’

Having a positive attitude is important in the ol’ Canoe Club as all skaters know the Navy sucks! That's why they always try to find new ways to skate… get away with stuff!!!

Despite the fact being on a boat sucks, you have to maintain a positive attitude! I know it's really hard sometimes!! Having a positive attitude directly affects your charm on other people!! If you're constantly negative, certain people will notice that and that will be the first thing they will pin on when you enter the room!!!

Remember Seaman Schmukatelli?!? So negative... and see how people react to him?!?

Then there is the old ‘excuse method’ of skating! Every skater knows how to utilize this tactic…

"I can't go and do activity A because I have to do activity B!”

Knowing that B would be the easier of the two activities!! This technique doesn't always work!! It's one of the oldest ways to skate and all Chiefs know about it!!
Some chiefs counter this by saying something along the lines…

"Well, activity A is higher priority… so go and do that… now!"

The advantages of working REALLY FUCKIN' SLOOOWWW...if you ever get caught in a situation import to, let’s say, fix something and liberty for everybody in your work center depends on it! If you work REALLY SLOW on purpose, eventually, people in your division will get anxious to go on liberty and help you out!! I wouldn't recommend this, if it's something easy to take care of... But, if you really have no clue whatsoever on how to fix it...then, use this method!!!

Using Medical and Dental to get out of work is pretty self-explanatory! Make an appointment with either department can get you out of work a while import!! This skate method is really easy to abuse!! Don't do it too much because people will notice after a while!! Plus, there's the UCMJ article that defines this… Malingering!! But, you're a skater remember?!? Who really cares about you enough to try and use the UCMJ against you!!!

The classics... Looking busy all the time is the most trusted of the classic methods of skating! Pretending to study for PQS or pretending to be cleaning something when Chief is around!! These stupid little tactics STILL work TODAY!!!

When you're underway... it's nice to know how your work center and division really operate! This is a must if you intend to exploits them!! You know certain times of the day when you can just straight up vanish with minimal impact on you!! This can only come with experience!! A good skater knows how his division operates inside and out!!!

Next is learning how to disable your Work center Supervisor! Say, you have a Work center Supervisor that you know, from experience, is the type of person that likes to tell you to do things as soon as he sees you!! Well, how do you counter this?!? Simple, you need to know what that person likes so when he walks in you can attempt to change the subject on him immediately (or, just straight up take over the conversation from the start) and make him totally forget that he wanted you to do something!! This is a really good skill to master as you can use this to get out of lots of situations, disable certain evil CPOs and officers when you see them in the p-ways!!! But do it fast before they even have a chance to get a word out at you!!!

Minimize the time spent around khakis! I used to use this method a lot!! This is really good if you suck at disabling them!! I'd go so far as to say, you shouldn't even joke around with the ‘Cool’ khakis in your duty section!! Because, if you're on duty, and something needs to be done ASAP, chances of him calling on you are significantly higher as he feels he knows you and uses this scheme to empower you… but don’t fall for it!!!

Well, that's all I can think of at the moment! Feel free to add in any Top Secret Skating Tactics that y'all might know about!! Remember, everybody in the Navy has some slacker in them… Yes, even Chiefs and Officers! You need to find ways to exploit that!!!

PQS is also a way to skate! It’s one of those insanely simple tasks as all you do is go around and ask for signatures!  You listen to the other guy rant about how much he knows… then you go to the next person!! It’s also a great way to pace the PQS!! You can get it done real quick which does you no favors, or you can slow it down over a really long period just before becoming delinquent!! If it gets to the point where there is so much focused on you completing your PQ, they don't think about anything else when they see you!! Just before you become delinquent you finish that PQS and start another simple, but required one that you can draw out for a really long time!! This is kind of risky, because you can get trapped in your own scheme!! However, with time and practice, you'll soon be able to master it!!!

Last but not Least… always have a decent or squared away uniform! It gives the appearance you know what you’re doing!! So good luck out there skaters… and next lesson we’ll discuss butt sharking and brown nosing… same but not same, same!!!


Thursday, January 21, 2016

'SHE'

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With all that cigar-chomping, profanity-spouting Sailor talk and manly man machismo going on back in the day… it’s a wonder we called those big grey hulks a ‘She’…