Monday, January 23, 2017

'A Sailor's New Watch'

A Navy Sailor walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks…

"Is your date running late?"


… he replies…

"I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was
just testing it."

The intrigued woman asks…

"A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Sailor explains…

"It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady asks…

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties!"

The woman giggles and replies…

"Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Sailor smirks, taps his watch and says…

"Damn thing's an hour fast."

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

'Those Were The Days'

Here is another one sent to ‘Dan the Navy man’ and his Internet Bullshit Show… I hope you enjoy this ‘No Shitter!!!’

How many of you old crotchety bastards remember coming out of Bootcamp in the late Sixties?!? It was the Vietnam era in the middle of summer, hot and sweltering!! We’d do anything to get out of the sun and into some cool shade!!!

Well as the story goes and it got better after a few beers...  One of our shipmates was a bit stir crazy after eight weeks of Bootcamp and ready to hit the town! It was 1970 and straight out of ‘RTC’ we didn’t have a whole lot of Somalians between the lot of us!! So one of our shipmates, we’ll call him Jimmy, said he was gonna jump up on the table in the first Go-Go bar we go into and drop his drawers and start yelling “BINGO” at the top of my lungs!!!

Needless to say it never happened! We never found a Go-Go bar and Jimmy probably didn’t have the balls…

About a few hours or two into our liberty we were about fifteen to twenty Squidly-Do-Rights heading into a seedy theater to watch a movie! The movie was called ‘The Stewardesses’ and was in 3-D...complete with 3-D glasses at the entrance to the theater!! It was kind of a big deal back then… especially since it was out of the sun and air conditioned!!!

We all sat together in the middle of the theater as the movie started out with a gal knocking on an apartment door! No answer, but the door was unlocked so she walked in down a hall!! By now you could hear the sounds of heavy breathing and assorted other sounds associated with sexual conduct!!!

She rounds a corner and with the aid of the 3-D glasses another lady's legs come right through the screen at you and you see a man’s ass and summer whites, Dixie Cup and all going up and down in full ‘operational mode’ and just as the Crackerjack gets his cookies off ol' Jimmy jumps up and out of his seat yelling at the top of his lungs...


… And the rest of us just freaking erupted in laughter! We hooted & hollered and pounded on our chests like a bunch of dumb bastards but we were having the best of times!! I do believe the management or somebody came down demanding we mind our manners!!!

So later the movie ends and we're all outside waiting for the transit bus to take us back to the base! Pretty soon our ride shows up with all of two people onboard… the bus driver and a lone decent looking young lady!!!

I please allow me to explain… The driver sits where all drivers do with the first few seats behind him facing inboard! With fifteen to twenty Squidly-Do-Rights coming aboard, is where the little Miss was seated!! You could imagine the thoughts going through most of our heads!!!

So with the young lady in question seated where she was and being the good Sailors we were, we filled in every seat around her and began the salutations, flirtations and the pick-up lines! Now there was one particular fella who thought his shit didn’t stink and he assumed he was God’s gift to women… let alone the rest of the human race!! I just happened to be sitting directly across from him and get a pretty good picture of everything that was happening as it took place!!!

So the bus heads off and right away Mr. God’s gift starts running his mouth trying every corny pick-up line I’d ever heard and then some! Meanwhile she’s doing her damnedest to ignore any and everything any of us had to say!! I mean he was using every line, lame or otherwise he could think of to get her to bite the hook and he wasn’t gonna give up!!!

Bear in mind, we’re all Crackerjack Sailors in a Sailor’n Town with the high & tight haircuts and the whole bit!!!

So eventually after several minutes continually bombarding this lil’ thing with bullshit and desperation…

“So do you know who we are?”

… somehow thinking this was going to impress the little gal that we’re all Navy Crackerjack Sailors, Defenders of the free world and adventurers of the High Seas!! She finally turns to face him and says in very matter of fact voice…

“Why yes I do! I work with guys like you every day!”

To which he brightens up thinking he’s finally gotten somewhere with her! He then asks…

“Oh really… So where do you work?”

… To which she quickly and clearly replies for all of us to hear...

I work at the State Mental Hospital!”

… And promptly turns back and faces where she was prior to the little conversation!! We all just busted out laughing like it was no one’s business!!!

After nearly Fifty years I can still remember it like yesterday! It was too gauddamned funny!! It gave us all a chance to let out some uncontrolled and tear filled laughter!!!

Monday, January 16, 2017

'Smart Ones'

One of my jobs in the Navy was to give the general public and our service members tours of the USS Constitution. Before taking people down below, we warned our visitors to watch their heads climbing up and down the decks due to the low over hang. The tour guide, first to the top, gets to see how many people have not heeded his advice.

On one tour I watched almost an entire group of junior Naval officers hit their heads one after another as they came up the ladder well. Curious, I asked their commander what their job was...

"Military intelligence!"

… he replied!!!

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

‘36 Pregnant Aboard Navy Ship That Served in Gulf’

This is a ‘No Shitter’ Originally published by…

 The New York Times

‘36 Women Pregnant Aboard a Navy Ship That Served in Gulf’

Published: April 30, 1991

SAN DIEGO, April 29— Thirty-six crew members of the supply ship Acadia were pregnant and had to be transferred during the ship's deployment to the Persian Gulf, naval officials say. (Approximately 10% of the females onboard!)

More than half became pregnant after the ship was under way, but a Navy spokesman, Lieut. Comdr. Jeff 'Smallwood,' said there were no indications of improper fraternization between men and women on the ship.

"These women have a right to get pregnant," Commander 'Smallwood' said. "The conclusion somebody is jumping to is that the Acadia is a love boat, and that's not the case."

He said nine women became pregnant before the Acadia left San Diego on Sept. 5, but were not tested until the ship was under way. Five others were transferred to the Acadia while she was sailing to the gulf, but their pregnancies were not discovered until after they were on board. Seven Months on Duty

The remaining 22 women became pregnant while the ship was deployed, perhaps on liberty calls in Hawaii, the Philippines and other ports the Acadia visited on her way to the gulf, Commander Smallwood said.

The ship, whose 1,250 crew members included 360 women, returned to her home port here on Friday. The Acadia is among a number of Navy support vessels that permit women to serve on board because she is not considered a combat ship.

Naval policy is to transfer women immediately to shore duty if they become pregnant.

The Navy has strict rules against sexual relationships between men and women while on duty or between commissioned officers and enlisted personnel, but Commander 'Smallwood' said there was no evidence any such regulations were broken.

The tender nicknamed the "Love Boat" received the Navy Unit Commendation for her exemplary service upon return from the Gulf War.

I still can't get over the Commander's last name... 'Smallwood!'