Friday, November 13, 2015

'Doing God's Work'

When I was a young Crackerjack on Westpac some of my shipmates would go with the Navy Chaplain into the village to do God’s work! One old coot told me how one day some of our shipmates came back to base in Subic after a few days in a nearby provincial town. The sailors headed straight to the Chaplain and said…

"Hey Chaps, you would have been proud of us, we did a very good and Christian thing!"

“What was that?”

…asked the Chaplain.

"We tore down a damn brothel!"

The Chaplain raised a suspicious eyebrow as he knew these swabbies well and was surprised!

"You did that did you?"

… asked the Chaplain!

"Yes Sir… Nobody should be allowed to charge prices like they did get away with it!"

Thursday, November 5, 2015

‘Good Gawd I Love This Place’

Now sit right back young tadpoles and Ol’ Salts as I tell a tale of a thousand islands and a thousand dreams! Once a very long, long time ago, in a place very far, far away there was a Utopian Paradise where every yearning a Crackerjack craved could be satisfied to their fullest desires!! This was unlike anywhere in the States where the battle of the suffragettes raged and every butch-dyke feminist with spike hair had a default envy and distain for all tally-whackers and hollered raucously swearing she caught you staring at her tits!!!

Yes, this was the Shangri-La, Nirvana, or Heaven to most! A place of iniquitous Eden!! A place I would recommend to any man deprived of his sexual fantasies!! I’m talking about those unrestrained fantasies, and light hearted perversions if you catch my drift… Yes I’m talking about the Islands of the Philippines!!!  

At Twenty-one, I was quite the specimen of robust sexual prowess! And what better place was there than the PI, a wonderful place of nautical myth and legend to have as your first Overseas Liberty Port!! I’d sat and heeded the tales of yore expressed in such splendor where lonely men refreshed their sacks of scrotal fluid in a land of ecstasy well noted as the Adult Disney World!!!

It was hotter than a whore’s ass on payday when we pulled in passed Grande Island! Liberty went down over the 1MC and all the grown men went nuts!! All of the sudden three hundred or so Crackerjacks were rush’n to the rain locker for that thirty second soap down & rinse, splash’n on the Old Spice, Speedstick and various other sorts of foo-foo juice to mask or hide the smells of thirty days at sea!!!   

Then off over the brow they went… straight across shit river convert’n them dollars to pesos like a paraded sausage fest heading into town! No matter, for every fella there was two or three Honey-Koe!! They all be hornier than a Sea Dog for sure that day!!!

I can still hear the growling of the multicolored Jeepneys whizbang’n by and smell that shitty combo of sewage and diesel! It’s an unforgettable sent, one that brings you straight back to that one single particular place!!!

For me it was time to test my mettle at butterflying my way up and down Magsaysay! Like a true Crackerjack Sailor, all the things worth living for in life were either immoral, illegal, and could probably put you in medical for some time with either an IV or a shot of penicillin!!!

On each side of the road women sat in front of the night clubs… tempting, sexy, and haughtily aware of their attraction to the other sex … us men! They knew what we wanted… that was their business, like a car salesman!! I once heard that Pizza and Sex are a lot alike… When it’s good, it’s really good… But when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good!!!

So I swaggered my way until I found a place with plenty of music and pretty Honey-koe! I sat down and ordered a beer when along came this petite lil’ thing with lips that could suck the color out of a marble!! ‘DSLs’ they were referred too… you shipmates should be fluent in acronyms, after all the gauddamned Navy invented them!!!

She wasn't the most beautiful but she had a charm that could land her a customer on the dark side of the moon with a couple dozen Alien Johns from across the Galaxy stand’n by with a pack of smokes and a jug a mojo to boot! Let’s face it, a true Crackerjack you're not until you’ve been there and done that in the PI!! Her name was ‘Rosa’ which was a rather common name amongst bargirls… seemed every fifth gal had the name ‘Rosa!!’ She was probably in her mid-twenties but she could easily pass for a teenager… and her smile would have lit up any a dark room and that was all that mattered!!!

After a few hours and several San Migoos, we negotiated a bar fine with the Mama-san and headed across the street in one of them rent by the hour motel rooms! You know the ones… Sailors & Street girls must pay for room in advance… or something of the sort!?! Hey, it had mirrored ceilings and a couple of fans with a balcony and a cockroach named ‘Caoili’… gauddamned voyeur she was, watch’n us with her beady little eyes all night long!!!

So there we were in our Eden Pleasure Palace, things progressed at a fun and casual pace! I had a well thought out stash of condoms… flavored, ribbed, French ticklers of various colors all designed for any specific occasion!! Yes, my little Rosa was fun but she wasn’t innocent and she enjoyed the pleasure and excitement even if she’d seen more ceilings than Michelangelo… you know … from being horizontal all the time?!?

I was butt nekkit and sitting up and my little Rosa was butt nekkit and sitt’n on my lap! Her small brown frame was squeezing me so tight around the waist my legs were going numb! Sweat was running down the two of us like a deluge as she was panting like an Olympic runner’s last leg of a 400 meter race! It was a hot rainy night in Subic Bay, and the humidity level was at least 110%!!  It was just past midnight but she wasn’t going to stop now!! She had been riding the rod like a hot piston about to throw it through the engine block … just long enough to know that any time now I’d be a busting a nut!!!

She wasn’t your typical little brown fucking machine (Lbfm), make no bones about it!  And to Crackerjacks like me she was one giant clitoris in heat under the best of circumstances!! The giant speakers were pumping out of the club across the street giving this little ‘Lbfm’ all the rhythm she needed!!!

On that hot humid rainy night in Olongapo every time my little ‘Lbfm’ would drive down on my kielbasa, my knees would bounce up and the tips of my toes would curl in! She thought I was gonna erupt from all that grunting… but that wasn't the reason… at least not the whole reason!! I didn’t want to lose control and blow my stack too soon… so the grunts were a premise for keeping me going… a cadence if you will!!!

She was online and thrusting hard now and if she came down crooked she'd snap my pecker clean off but I'm past caring… Its Karma Sutra time and young Pinays have a way of bending that could cause early arthritis in a Garter Snake! Some salts beat the brow at the crossing… some don't, but they all signed on for the ride!! She couldn't see because her hair was in her face, and I couldn't see because sweat was burning my eyes… but we were doing a hundred miles an hour butt nekkit locked up in some deviant sexual gymnastic hold… you learn a lot about professional wrestling in these circumstances!!!

Something about those Pacific Island Fleshpots… so hot and sweet like warm molasses! The lust you can have for them and the way the play and flirt, they can seduce you in so many ways if not on your guard!! I pondered the ‘what ifs’ and how it might play out with a girl like that!!!

I also knew that play’n around in the nightlife of the Sodomites could hurt you real bad if you fell for it! Our own minds can deceive us in our fight to remain ‘butterfly’ from flower to flower… as some nectar is very sticky and can make you hang out too long!! A crusty ol’ Salt once said…

“A whiskey glass and a woman’s ass are the downfall of many a good Sailor man!”

After all, a hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth, if you know what I mean!!!

Just when you thought you had the system figured out, some lil’ thing comes along and twists & tugs on your heart strings and you realize you’re not immune to their devious little charms! That’s when you got to step back and make a double take… It’s best to stay free and easy and forever horny!!!

“Today I come before Neptune himself to bare my soul, confess the evil I have done and make for a Clean ‘Breast!”

… ‘There are no broken hearts here says I, because ‘Broken hearts are for assholes’… as I quoted the Late Great Frank Zappa!!!

So off I went back across Shit River with my thumb up my ass as I pondered…

“How the hell do I dollarize these pesos before liberty is about to end!”

One thing that always rang true about the Ol’ Canoe Club in the PI… Panties would fall off like a one legged man jumping rope as soon as the fleet came in! Those little ‘Lbfms’ … all of our little ‘Rosas’ … luscious, half-naked, beautiful, young, sexual, and somewhat submissive!! All I can say is I can still taste her Quim…

“Good Gawd I Love This Place!!!”


Monday, November 2, 2015

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 [Inappropriate T-Shirts]

The Navy (Marine Corps) never was a collection of sensitive liberals. HUOOA!!!
Subject: U.S. Navy Directive 16134
The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of a naval installation somewhere in the Middle East, and it was obviously directed at the Marines.
To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K
  1. All commanders promulgate upon receipt.
  2. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:
"Eat Pork Or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]
"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
"Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]
"Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]
"The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]
"Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English versions]
"Pork. The other white meat." [Arabic version]
"Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
  1. The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
  2. The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily."
"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"
  1. All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

'Do You Own Any Foreign Property'

Serving as a Navy recruiter in Tulsa, Oklahoma…  I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist! I explained the importance of being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paper work!! But when he got to the question…

"Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?"

… He looked up at me with a worried expression!

"Well,"      … he confessed… 

 "I do own a Toyota."

We enlisted him the next day!!!

Friday, October 16, 2015

‘A Glance At The Past’

It’s been some 27 years!  A warm November late afternoon, Pier Four, San Diego… treading ever so slightly as I made my way aboard!! The recollections grow strong, with every sight, sound and smell the impression still colorful and sharp in those old cerebral memory banks!!!

Up the pier, I hesitated and glared at the numbers painted on the hull! ‘1069’ emblazoned in black, and what do you know, it was my new forwarding address, my new home away from home! I know… we’ve all ‘been there, done that'... We all share those little moments, those flashbacks, déjà vu of the past!! We’re all linked together like a band of idiots reminiscing the greatest time of our lives!!!

Up the brow to the Quarterdeck I climbed, not sure what to expect, almost afraid of what was coming next!  

“This is it!”

… I remember thinking…

“This is my first ship… the real Navy!”

The enormity of it all, the beauty of the water and the Ensign flapping in the wind just before colors!!  I had images of the South Pacific in the warm night air and the little brown island gals doing what they do at night!! Of course that’s what all Crackerjacks dream about… Right?!?

On the Quarterdeck I saluted and dropped my Seabag as the Officer Of the Deck introduced himself and the ship! It wasn’t long before the Duty Master-At-Arms (MAA) whose credentials were looking like an orangutan, retrieved me and paraded me forward up port side!! I recall walking by the motor whale boat and dodging the greasy cables attached to the booms!! The smell is still lingering in my olfactory as the memories rush through the belfry of my brain!!  The scent on its own was like no other!!!

Can you imagine the conversation… the banter… the comradery we all shared in those days?!?

“So we got ourselves a new Cabin Boy I see… the Skipper’s gonna be giddy I’m sure!”

“I ain’t no gauddamned Cabin Boy!”

“Relax handsome… we’re all shipmates around here… It’s the Navy way!”

So was my first introduction to ship’s company onboard the ol’ Baglady! Walking into the skin of the ship up by the ASROC Launcher Room the Rover met up with us…

“Aaah, a booter! What’s your rate?”

“I’m Firecontrol…”

“OOOH we got a new Sea Bitch in Second Division! Welcome aboard Shippy!”

… And that was the ‘Hoz’ … later to become a dear friend onboard!!!

Down the ladderwell we went two decks to my new rack in Supply Berthing as there was no space in Weapons at the time! I can still remember the cramped space and dank smell down below!! We dropped off my things and headed up a deck and aft portside down the green tile of the passageway!!! 

Several frames aft we turned inboard and down the P-way to midship turned right and through a hatch into the Messdecks! Thinking back I can hear the jaunts and jokes in the background bouncing off bulkheads…

“Rhotey, You don’t need seconds? You’re fat as fuck… I can hear the saturated fat falling off your fat ass as we speak!”

“Man, you’re like a canker sore… a canker sore that just won’t go away!”

“Oh man… get something to cover up that weeping vagina! It’s emitting a smell something fierce… I think I’m gonna throw up!”

“Aaah Fuck You!”

“HaHa… Fuck You Too!”

Yeah, a hundred thousand sea stories and a hundred thousand lines of bullshit had echoed the angle irons and overheads! Truths and half-truths… and one hundred percent full of bull shit!! I can still hear the clanging of the silverware and tin plates and the steam from the galley… anyone remember?!?

From there we strolled aft of the Messdecks passed the hatch going down to Engineering Berthing! Just passing the Chief’s Mess and the scullery, we headed to the MAA Shack!! That’s where the MAA issued my bedding and instructions for the next morning!!!

Then back from which I came to make my rack and discover the ship! Once up the ladderwell, forward portside and there was the Crew’s Lounge!!  There was a few of the crew… mostly duty section, their dungarees dirty and mangy as they rested on their laurels from a hard day’s work!!!

 Grinning to myself, I stood by the hatch watching my new shipmates milling around bitching about what’s not on the lobotomy box waiting to greet whoever or whatever…

“Look, it’s a fucking mutant dwarf standing in the doorway!”

“Hey, the little fucker’s built like a midget tank!”

“Don’t look at me like that… I’ll knock that smile right off…!”

“Hey, leave him alone… he’s a newbie! He doesn’t know the ropes yet!”

“Aaaaah man! I shit myself so bad your dead relatives will smell it!”   

“EEEWWW FUUU…!”    “AAAAH Gross!”

… or something of that effect! At least that’s how I remember it!! These were some of my first memories on the ol’ Baglady!! A jumble of senses and emotions just knock’n the rust off and kick’n up dust in my brain… Funny, Sad, Scary, Exciting… all rolled up into a nice tight bundle!!!

You ol’ Salts remember… You were there!!!

Friday, October 9, 2015

‘Old Gringo Down In Mexico’

I gotta funny message from a friend I’ve made over the last few years… a fellow seagoing mariner who’s an expat retired several times over!!!

He messages me…

“Hey Chief, what do you do with a baby Pelican?”

I was taken back just a bit! Was this some kind of riddle… a joke?!? Is this Ol’ Seadog try’n to test my Salt… wants to see how much he can knock of me shoulder boards?!? I mean… What ‘DO’ you do with a baby Pelican!?!

“This ain’t no shit! A Baby Pelican flew into my office window and he’s just hang’n out!”

I reckon it’s just the kind a thing to suspect from such an ol’ Swabbie!

“Have you observed any of them nature shows about the birds that stick their neck out like a periscope and pumps its head up & down and warbles wildly flapping it’s wings like an epileptic with feathers trying to get the lady bird’s attention?  You should try it! Report back and tell me what happens!!!”

“Uh-Uh… Ain’t gonna do that!!!”

Yeah… I’ve gotten to know this Shipmate over time, though we’ve never cordially met! We have something in common… we like to reminisce of the ol’ gin mills, dens of sin, strip joints, short time alley stand-ups, and questionable no shit adventures inflated over the years through our alcohol altered egos!! Someday we’ll have to find an agreeably unruly bar full of second hand smoke and beer stench, where people are allowed to speak their minds & a few dirty words as well, and with a…

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...”

… toss some suds and no shitters like it ain’t nobody’s business!!!

He seems somewhat of a freelancer, a Jack of All Trades who did this for that, that for this and the other for a while... and commonly becomes bored!  He retired from the ol’ Canoe Club a Warrant after a couple of decades, became a professional Ship’s Master Mariner, then retired from that gig and moved on… ending up somewhere in Mexico!! What the hell… Everyone ends up somewhere!!!

With the honesty of an overgrown Boy Scout and the slyness of a snake, he exclaims in so many words…

“Life is like a jar of jalapeños… what you do today may burn your ass tomorrow!”

Yeah, he’s salty to the gills… and he’s got charts of memories... lots of them!!!

So why don’t you work for the Government no more?”

“It’s all a bunch’a alphabetical soup like the ATF… Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms should be the name of a convenience store… not a gauddamned government agency!”

Sometimes the subject of politics comes up…

"Any sufficiently advanced government bureaucracy is about as vague as a good looking ‘Benny Boy’ in a room full of Honey-Koes!”

Yeah, he’s smart, tough, sane, been around, corrupt, and personally repellent as a rabid raccoon!!!

Every time I think of Mexico anywhere outside of the Baja Peninsula I get this idea of some vieja dama peering at images of the Virgin of Guadalupe in her coffee! Asked what he takes in his…

“Caffeine and hate… and sometimes whiskey… yeah, skip the caffeine, just whiskey!”

I imagine him living in a casa next to the beach on a winding dirt road with more hole than road leading to it!

“Well you must think I live amongst the barefoot, loincloth wearing, living in stick hut kind of place that give Australian Aborigines the willies!”

“Well, I don’t think it sounds too bad as long as the women run around butt nekkit!”

“I sure as hell can say one thing… It gets hotter than a Whore House on Dollar day around here at times!”

He traded in the hustle and bustle of the psychoanalysis and scams of the pseudo doctors, the raging feminists, race racketeers, and damn fool wars for the more erotic Mamacitas south of the border with the tequila fests and Ciasta nests of good old Mexico!! He could be living it up in Fort Lauderdale driving a Corvette in male-menopause red with awesome gadgets… but that just ain’t him!!!

“The bad thing about retirement… I must get three hundred emails a day for Viagra, or some ancient Chinese secret to make mine taller, stronger, or faster than a speeding bullet… like I need that… what the hell! So why did you retire…?!?”

“You know, I got tired of all the gauddamned babysitting! Since when did I become an expert on therapy… Like I’m a gauddamned psychotherapist now?!? All that touchy feely bullshit was driving me insane!”

“Yeah, I hear you… most of the leadership these days don’t have the knowledge or experience to run a Shriner’s Convention!”

“Yeah, I refused to become one of them passive psychotic transvestites of today’s Canoe Cabaret!”

I could tell we were on the same page! You know… we put people in charge who have barely achieved vertebras… hence the term, ‘No Backbone!’

“Yep, When I retired from as a Ships Master I had come to the realization I was working for an institution where most of the leadership should have been institutionalized… and retired here in Mexico!”

“So when do you think you’ll ever move back stateside?”

“That'll happen any day now, I suppose! Most likely, about a day after lions, tigers & cougars start eating there vegetables!”

Yeah, he’s an unsung, rode-hard-and-put-away-wet champion of sea going crusty bastards... Stubborn as twenty mules wired in parallel!!

“I probably qualify for every mental disorder in the book!  Borderline Personality Disorder, Avoidance Disorder, Relationship Disorder, Social Anxiety disorder, and Just-About-Everything Under The Sun Disorder!! Besides, most Gringos come to Mexico to retire and die… well hell, that’s not the plan but that’s what happens!! It sure beats the hell out of wasting away in that rat race of an institution up north we call the US of A, living in wretched boredom waiting to die is no way to exist!!!”

Why the hell else would he live in Mexico?!? To get the hell away from all that Political Correctness we’re so gauddamned proud of up here!!!

Yeah, He’s not real tactful in what he says and probably won’t win any popularity contests anytime soon! But he’s as entertaining and thought provoking as I’ll ever get anywhere around here!! He’s the kind of shipmate that lets it all hang out rather you agree with him or not… and that my friends is the way it ought to be!!!