Tuesday, April 15, 2014

‘A Sailor Walks Into a Gay Bar’

A Sailor walks into a gay bar and comes to this realization.

"What the heck"

…he says…

 "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the Sailor…

"What's the name of your penis?"

The Sailor says…

"Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink!"

The gay waiter says…

"I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.”

… the Sailor looks a bit taken back…

“That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies."

The Sailor looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over! So the Sailor asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer…

"Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

…The man looks back and says with a smile…

"TIMEX."

…The thirsty Sailor asks…

"Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies…

"Cause it takes a lick’n and keeps on tick’n!"

A little shaken, the Sailor turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says…

"So, what do you call your penis?"

…The man turns to him and proudly exclaims…

"FORD, because Quality is Job ONE!!"

…Then he adds…

"Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the Sailor has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis! Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims…

"The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer!"

The bartender begins to pour the Sailor a beer, but with a puzzled look asks…

"Why Secret?"

The Sailor exclaims…

"Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!"

Friday, April 11, 2014

‘Crackerjack Sailors in the After Life’


Gabriel came to the Lord and said…

 "I have to talk to you. We have some Navy Sailors up here who are causing problems! They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, breakfast SOS is all over their robes, they’re racing the chariots, and they're wearing dixie cups and piss cutters instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the ladder to heaven clean…. There are beer cans all over the place… Some of them are walking around with just one wing!"

Then the Lord sayeth…

"Crackerjacks are Sailors, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil!"

The Devil answered the phone…

"Hello? HOLD ON ONE MINUET!"

The Devil returned to the phone…

 "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

Gabriel replied…

"I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said…

"Hold on again. I need to check on something!"

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said…

"I'm back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said…

"What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said…

"Man, I don't believe this....Hold on."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. He returned and said…

"I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damned A-Gangers have put out my fire and are trying to install a gauddamned  air conditioner!!!"





Tuesday, April 8, 2014

‘Lil Miss Diamond Tooth’


One of the rotten realities of getting older is how the availability of that laundry list of adventures which motivated us Crackerjacks when we were younger keeps getting shorter as time ticks on!! The bucket list gets half full and there ain’t no more gauddamn time or energy left to repeat some of the best parts… or chew on the tenderloins as my ‘sea daddy’ used to say!!!

Anybody remember their favorite bar on Magsaysay… or maybe it was the Teddy Bear in Barrio or Marilyn’s in Subic City!?! I had a brief Honey Koe from the Top Gun in Olongapo… she set one of me shipmates up with a cute little gal sport’n a diamond in one of her front teeth!!!

Now that gal was one hell of a looker! My buddy, who shall remain nameless, spent a fortune on ‘buy-me-drinks’ before he finally funded his bar fine over to said establishment expecting one hell of a long time girl!! Meanwhile me on my shippy headed to my gal’s humble abode only to meet up with the two Honey Koes a bit later!! When they arrived… ‘Lil Miss Diamond Tooth’ appeared shnockered to the core before my shipmate finally pulled her into the back room!!!

As the night slowly went by, I was doing my business while they were doing theirs…

“Punyeta… Anak ng Puta!! Walang hiya ka!!!”

… we jumped up and skedaddled in a hurry to see what all the fuss was about…

“Punyeta… Putang ina mo!”

… or something of the effect, my Tagalog is shitty at best…

“What the hell is all the fuss about?”

… Squirming in her seat, face as red as a baboon’s ass…

“Pagtatalik Puwit… Punyeta Puwit!!!”

… or something or rather…

Next thing I now both gals go in the other room as my Honey Koe gives me an evil eye!! You know when they do that things just ain’t right!!!

As near as I could tell my buddy did something awful and ‘Lil Miss Diamond Tooth’ wasn’t too happy about it! Finally my little Honey Koe comes stepping out pointing her finger at me and telling me we weren’t welcome there no more…

“What… What the Hell?!? What did I do?” 

Next thing I know my buddy comes outta the back room and grabs me by the elbow…

“Come on bro… we gotta  go!”

“What the hell’s the hurry?!?”

“Don’t question it… let’s just get outta here!”

We get to walk’n back towards Magsaysay and he enlightens me on the details of what just transpired in front of my uncertain eyes! Apparently ‘Lil Miss Diamond Tooth’ decided to pass out or feign passing out right in the middle of the act of hiding the salami…

“Aaaah Hell No… I wasn’t having none of that, so I went to brown town and decided to plow the ol’ backfield!”

“Say what?” 

“Yeah… right up the ol’ Hershey Highway… You should’a seen her… she was jumpier than a fart on a griddle!”

“Man you’re going to hell in every religion… that’s richer than three feet up a bull’s ass!”

“That’s alright… she was so drunk she couldn’t find her ass with both hands… about as useless as a tit on a boar hog!” 

“You wasted a bar fine!”

“Naaah, while ya’ll were in the other room listening to her carry’n on I reached in her purse and got my money back!”  

“Man you’d give a bull dog’s ass the heartburn… now I’m down one Honey Koe!”

“Don’t worry too much about it… we’re in the PI… they’re a dime a dozen… besides, if you can’t find another one you can always self-sacrifice to the God of lonely nights as I always say!”

“That’s so gauddamned wrong in ooooh sooo many ways!”

… and off to Via’s Taco stand and a few more bars we went! I know… I know… that was really fucked up, but in the moment, I was laugh’n my ass off because all I could see was that poor girl’s face and how pissed she was in all her Tagalog & Fury!! There’d been bigger assholes in the PI… like the sons-a-bitches light’n pesos red hot for one of them peso shows or what have ya… so don’t judge damn it!!!  

Besides, the joke was on us… how many lack jawed bastards stood in front of the binnacle list days after leaving ‘Fantasy Land’… how many got the shits from drink’n the water or got food poisoning from the balut, lumpia & monkey meat… lumpia & monkey meat… monkey meat… I don’t give a damned what it really is, that shit is damn good!!!

Yes those were the good ol’ days… Any man who hadn't drank his mojo... played catch the peso with a ten year old pinoy over the bridge at shit river... given away his dixie cup to a snicker’n little darling of a honey koe... or taken an early morning way past your curfew whiz in a dark alley... or slept under a corrugated tin roof with the loveliest ‘LBFM’  you’d ever laid eyes on must’a missed out on one of the greatest ol’ Canoe Club pastimes ever made available to a half lit under educated bottom feed’n Crackerjack that there ever was!!

Friday, March 28, 2014

'Butterply Boy'


Most of us recognize the scent of horse pucky when we’re near it… and as far as I can tell, anyone who ain’t a Crackerjack Sailor usually has the contrived notion that a Sea Story ain’t noth’n but a pile of manure… like a fish’n story… you’d better get your weighters on because it’s gett’n deep!! Ya’ just had to have been there to even believe it!!!

Well, this one comes from The Preacher… the one and only Keeper of the Ancient & Majestic Order of Shit River & Guardian of the chilled San Migoo, Owyn Bradford!  How did he get the nickname preacher you ask?!? 

“I was in a bar in Yoko back in the day, went to the Benjo-San, and found a nekkit girlie mag on the deck! As my happy ass was stepp’n out I fell over landing on my knees and shuffled my ass all the way to the bar stool… All the while my Chief was watch’n and yelled out…’Look at Bradford on his knees with the Good Book! His name is Preacher now!’… And so it was for the next nine years!!!”

If that ain’t a no shitter then I’ll be damned!  And here is the rest of the story…

----

Now shipmates this ain’t no SHIT! Late in the fall of   66’ we found ourselves off the gun line, enjoying libs in dear old Olongapo City, aka ‘Sailors’ Disneyland!!’ Now you know the bar girls always bade us not to be ‘butterply boys’… you set up with a girl and you’re not expected to do the horizontal mambo with anyone else!!!
My base of operations was the Tri-V Club, about halfway down on the right hand side! Mila was my …ahem… special friend!! But one night I thought I’d see what was going on elsewhere in town so I dropped in to New Pauline’s and had, well, an interesting evening!! I vaguely recalled getting a hickey or two in the process!!!
On the way back to the ship, I thought I’d have a beer at the Tri-V, get three sticks of monkey meat and then call it a night! Sooooo I sauntered in to the Tri-V, plopped down, and asked for a San Migoo!! No sooner had I taken my second swig than Mila appeared and sat down!! Pleasantries exchanged, she suddenly snapped…

“What thiis?!?”

… and pulled my trop white shirt to one side – to reveal a line of hickeys from earlobe to shoulder, kinda sorta like a red drippy epaulet!!!

Before I could say anything, she picked up an empty beer bottle and broke it on the table edge, and with her other hand pulled out and whirled open about a 29 cm butterfly knife!  Aptly named…
“You summa beech, gonna keel you!”

… she howled, and I grabbed my white hat and sprinted for the door, she hard on my heels. Down Magsaysay Drive I ran, with screams and yells not far behind!! As I neared the guard shack, I fumbled for my back pocket!!!


 “Fuck the ID, buddy!”

… shouted the Marine guard…

“She’s gaining on you!”

Redoubling my efforts, I skidded past the shack just as the (thrown) half bottle smashed to twinkling shards against one of the columns holding the shelter up! Mila stormed off muttering as I hauled out my DD2N and displayed it!!

“Whoo, pal, musta been good libs!”

… commented the gyrene...


“Anytime you come back just ahead of a blade and a broken bottle you KNOW you had a helluva time!”

I panted… And thus endeth the reading of the morning lesson…

-----

I always loved stories like these… as there's no sense in looking back at could’a, should’a, would’a… as you know, I wouldn’t change a gauddamned thing! And I’d always revered the accounts of the ol’ salty dogs who’d came before me with stories depicted in iniquity!! It's as if destiny was a giant porch light & I was the junebug a buzz’n around it in the middle of the night!! In fact I can sit around on a hot humid rainy day & reminisce with an ice cold San Migoo and lose myself, what a ride it was... What a ride it was!!!