Friday, January 19, 2018

“The Beast Master”

Now this here is no shit; for those with little tolerance for non PC language in this story I beg your forgiveness and invite you to pass on by…

I used to know me this ole rope dick son of a bitch name of Dudley once, one of the most unlovely humans ever spawned but he had a heart of gold. Dudley you see had a fondness for women of questionable human ancestry. One could never be entirely certain whether the female he was currently stalking was in fact human, the only truly unquestionable assessment one could make was that they were sturdy and possessed of capital ship displacement.

On several occasions I went steaming with the lad and watched the same scenario unfold each time. We stepped into a typical den of iniquity one evening and while I went forthwith to the plank to secure comestibles and take on ballast Dudley went into search mode. Now I spied me many a comely lass among the crowd and while I considered the exact approach pattern to execute, Dudley ignored them all and continued to peer deep into the mist and the smoke and the darker corners of the establishment where barely discernable forms could be discerned milling about. As I began my approach on a particularly memorable lass – dark of locks and sleek of form, Dudley suddenly stopped his intent searching and stood rigidly transfixed by a particularly unattractive creature dwelling in the darkness. His eyes took on a feverish look and he immediately charged into the murky depths and attached himself to his prey.

The events that transpired for the next half hour or so are legend; Dudley plied his prize with drink, caresses and sweet words worthy of a poet. She slowly went from disbelief that she was in fact the target, to astonishment, then to love – or perhaps the glow of soon to be satisfied lust. Having made his conquest Dudley proudly left the establishment with his trophy on arm never to be seen again that night. I on the other hand ended the evening with unrequited love…

The following day I asked Dudley what madness caused him to seek out the most unlovely female in any establishment and he told me that he did it because they were so grateful – and this is how I knew him to have a heart of gold for he dispensed love to only the most unlovely. And it was true they were grateful; any time we returned to some haunt where he had found a prize you could see his bevy of dedicated fans thundering to his side with cries of joy, flagons of alcohol and great platters of food. While I and my fellows stood about hunting the smooth, the svelte, the glossy of hair and the lovely to only rare success, Dudley never left alone.

For his skill and courage I will forever remember him as the Beast Master long may he reign in his dark realm – a true brother of the salt!

- Lonny Randolph

Monday, January 8, 2018

"VD or TB"

A shipwrecked sailor who had spent many years on a remote South Pacific island was finally rescued! When he arrived in California, reporters asked him what he had done for sex…

"Oh, there were plenty of passable and willing native girls on the island!"

… he replied …

"But they all either had V.D. or T.B."

"That must have been frustrating!"

… commented one of the newsmen …

"Not at all!"

… said the sailor …

"If a girl coughed, I screwed her!"

Friday, January 5, 2018

"The Pause That Wasn't So Refreshing"

A friend mentioned that his Dad was in the ol’ Canoe Club back in the day and his Navy Vessel had a "Hot seat" which was painted red that the guys with Venereal Disease had to use! It was reserved for them alone!! But I doubt there was any trouble enforcing that rule!!!

At the time, GITMO was mostly being run as a home for the most advanced of the Navy's Damage Control Schools! So ships would come down from various east coast ports, and spent several weeks, getting the rust blown off on firefighting, and more advanced techniques!!!

At some point during his father's tour, a small destroyer (I suspect a WWII-era DE, with an average complement on the order of 180 men) came down for the damage control training, but ended up having a major medical casualty! A large percentage of the crew (His Dad had told him between a third and a half) were suffering from VD!! Interviews with the crew were going nowhere, so they couldn't identify any kind of common vector for the epidemic, and the hospital personnel were starting to suspect rampant homosexuality at the root of what had happened!!!

Finally one of the sailors involved mentioned…

"Well, there was this girl at the USO, I'm sure I couldn't have gotten it from her, she's a nice girl, but she should be told to get tested."

From the details from his dad’s recollections, she appeared too had been a very active and enthusiastic sixteen or seventeen year old! And she alone had been the source of the epidemic that swept through the entire ship!!!

Thursday, January 4, 2018

"The New Canoe Club Cabaret"

( Click Picture To Enlarge )

Here is to today’s Navy where the Men are Women and the Women are Men, and everything in between!!!

Saturday, December 30, 2017

"Happy New Year 2018"

(Click Picture To Enlarge)

A New Year's resolution is a tradition, most common with us Americans! Lose weight, run your first race, drink less beer, chase less women…etc!! Where’s the fun in that I ask?!?

Here’s a “Half-Hitch” Cartoon to help you along with the New Year! I hope you all enjoy… so Happy New Year, and may King Neptune Smile upon your souls!!!

Thursday, December 28, 2017

"The Three S's Of Hygiene"

I had heard that John F. Kennedy once said…

“You haven’t lived until you’ve shaved next to another man while he takes a shit!”

Did he say this? Who cares… the point being that nothing makes you realize how comfortable you’ve become in your surroundings when you’ve found yourself in these conditions! Boy, don’t we know… the most time efficient and hygienic process of getting ready … “The Shit, Shower & Shave!”

Of all the dirty tricks, it really makes me rave,
To have my shipmate come in to shit, when I begin to shave.
There’s just one time in all the day, when it’s solitude I crave,
But he sits and drops his stinking shit into that watery grave;
I don’t see why he couldn’t wait until I’ve had my shave.

Yes my friends… Shit, Shower, & Shave. Every champion has their winning rituals for performance. After all it's what you do every day that really counts!!!

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

'New Uniforms'

The Navy unveiled its new Battle Dress Uniform today. The utilitarian thing about the new uniform said Naval Representatives was that it has a built-in reversible Hawaiian shirt.

"This helps keep troops at the ready!"

… said one Navy Official ...

"If they are off duty they simply turn the shirt inside-out and come into work!"