Tuesday, March 29, 2016

'How Do Seamen Cross The Road'

How do the Seamen cross the road anyhow…?!?

Well… I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning…!!!

Monday, March 28, 2016

'Jody Waiting At The Pier'

Three-Hundred Sailors ship off to sea…

Three-Hundred Jodies standby on the pier for the sailors to disappear!!!

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

'The Right Picture At The Right Time'

Okay, I’m Guilty… The first thing that came to mind when I gazed over this!! 

USS Glory Hole?!?

Monday, March 21, 2016

'Dirty Laundry'

I remember a Chief once telling me…

“I’m ten times the asshole you could ever imagine to be… so don’t try me kid!”

Sometimes they just weren’t bright enough to know who to mess with and who not too!! I guess the author of this little yarn got the best of ‘em at times!!!

There are three people aboard you don't want to piss off!  The Disbursing Clerk, the Cook, and, of course, the Laundry!! Your laundry went to the wrong division? I'm sorry…  You lost some clothes?  I’m Sorry...  You need something pressed for inspection?  Wow… shit happens!!!

Did I press the Khakis for the Officers and Chiefs?  Oh Hell yeah!!

When one of them would give me a hard time… there was torn lagging behind the clothes dryer I could reach and grab fiberglass insulation from which happened to be the same color as the khakis! Put a bit in the crotch, some in the armpits, and let's not forget the neck!!  Press them, and fold them real nice!!  Only needed to do it to one set… then the rest of the week just sit back and watch!!!

When he started itching, we knew we got him! Good times had by all!! Boy did I have fun!!!

Brings new meaning to 'Gett'n your panties in a wad!

Thursday, March 17, 2016

‘Welcome Home Sailor’

I remember well, the first time pulling in from a long spell underway… the envy of spouses and girlfriends coming aboard to meet their Sailor Boy!!!

A family excited to welcome their sailor home with a banner in his honor! One fella hugs his sister as she waves a flag!! All sorts of ladies and friends loyally waiting on the pier smiling and waving…

“Welcome Home Johnny!”

They came in all shapes and sizes from the Skipper's wife down to professional poll dancer! The Wives Club Regulars and old maids fighting the cellulite and varicose veins!!  From  sexy little sirens to veteran Chief’s wives who’d done enough ‘Welcome Homes’ over the years to know all you get after lines are doubled and liberty goes down is a sack of dirty laundry and a raging hard on!! Being gone for so long, it all left a burn’n sensation deep in my chest!!!

There were wives who used to get your time of arrival...  Then drive out North Island, the Golden Gate, or the shoals of Port Orchard  and sit there waiting for an old rust-bucket to come churning past in hopes you might catch them waving at you well before you got to the pier!!!

It was damned near impossible to maintain a long distance romance on a long Bon Voyage away from home! But damn it I envied those fellas who had something waiting on the pier!! It must’a been nice to be remembered!!!

There is something wonderful about standing topside waiting to toss the lines over!  And seeing the smiling face of a devoted spouse whose panties were overdue for an oil treatment!! There’s one Crackerjack who ain’t making it past the parking lot without stress testing the back seat of that old jalopy his wife came rolling in on!!! 

Guys were carousing the decks in anticipation…

"Hey Smithee, watcha wanna do when we get in?"

"Ron I wonder if Marianne could hook up an ole' buddy with one of them hot Mamasita friends of hers?"

"Oh, Look at that fine lady across the pier, she’s gonna be my next future ex wife!"

"The only way that hottie is ever going to look at you, you ugly son-of-a-bitch, is if you get a face lift and the Disbo gets caught cheating on her!”

“What about that gal over there?”

“Oh, that’s Greg’s wife!”

… then comes Greg…

"Keep it up shit for brains, and this left hook might pop ya in the snot locker!"

"Knock it off, ladies!"

And with that all the single fellas headed below primping for the neon-lit strip when hitting the beach!!!

The best this fella could hope for was waking up next to a pair of boobies with the crotchless satin panties pulled over his head, and his neckerchief hanging on the bed post! Some young gal he met the night before needing a few hours of handy work repacking her O-rings!!  

“Uummm… What’s your name again?!?”

… “Welcome Home Sailor” …

'Riggin' Bill' Part III

Seaman Riggin’ Bill,
Navy Yard Brooklyn, N.Y.

Dear Bill:

If you think that our art class is going to allow your handsome, sea going profile to get away from us you’re mistaken. For a month we’ve been touring the waterfront looking at sailor’s shapes, sizes and noses hoping we’d find a suitable model for what we believe will be the best war poster ever produced. Your face and figure are what the doctor ordered and we intend having it as our model. We say, “Art is Riggin’ Bill and never mind about the fleeting” – maybe a little flirting, but only after classes. Just to pin you down so the females of the nation can pin you up… I’ve written to my father who is a very important Congressman in Washington.

My Dad acts like a depth bomb on the Navy when he starts bellowing around demanding something so you might as well make up your mind to come quietly.  I’m the apple of his eye and he never lets anyone make applesauce of his good intentions, so why not be reasonable about it? Just what have you got against posing for our art class anyway? Wo knows, you may be the first pin-up boy the Armed Forces produce – perhaps the movie actresses will be pinning up your picture instead of vice versa?

We’re so confident that we’re going to get you as a model we’ve already begun to get the studio in order for your reception.  We really did need blackout curtains anyhow, and we’re getting them just in case we decide to work overtime. Please don’t misunderstand our intentions. We want to paint – not pant! Therefore, come in your Navy whites so it will contrast with the nice tan you have.  We promise not to harm a hair on your head if you come – if you don’t, pappy won’t like and pappy packs a lot of weight in Washington!


Annie Lawes

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

‘Fo'c'sle, Bridge, Breaker, Breaker, One Nine ‘

This little yarn comes from another blogger, Comrade Misfit, from the blogosphere! I hope you enjoy…

In an earlier story about anchoring, I alluded to a sound-powered phone circuit between the Bridge and the Forecastle. Sound-powered phones are telephones designed to take their power from the energy of the incoming sound waves. While the handsets and headsets had receivers and transmitters, they were really bidirectional in that you could, if you wanted to, listen and talk over the same unit.

The advantage of sound-powered phones was that they were dirt-simple and they didn't require power. All you had to do was string two wires and hook a handset up at each end. For example, as part of the rigging lines between ships during underway replenishment, two sound-powered phone lines were sent across to the two ships could talk Bridge-to-Bridge and Unrep Station to Unrep Station.

All installed circuits were designated with at least two letters [1] and then maybe numbers. For this post, I am focusing on the maneuvering circuit, the 1JV. In open-ocean steaming, the 1JV connected the Bridge, Main Control and the After Lookout. On the Bridge, the Lee Helmsman served as the phone talker; in Main Control, the Throttleman did.

Coming in and out of port, there would be more stations on the 1JV. For mooring alongside a pier or another ship, the Forecastle would be on the line, while the After Lookout served as the phone talker for the Fantail line handlers. If boats were to be operated, the boat davit stations had phone talkers.

Communications could be slow. The Conning Officer would give an order, such as…

"Foc's'le, Bridge, slack Line One."

The sailor on the Lee Helm would repeat the order, verbatim, and the phone talker on the Forecastle would shout it out. The officer/chief/petty officer in charge would yell back:

"Slack Line One, Foc's'le, Aye!"

… and that would be repeated back up the phone circuit. And if you had a couple of sailors as phone-talkers who were not exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer, it could be a real cluster fuck with lots of… "say again" responses.

Back in the `70s, during the CB radio craze, a number of CB walkie-talkies began to hit the consumer market. Ships bought them, figuring that the Conning Officer (or the Captain) could then talk directly to the person in charge of the Forecastle and/or the Fantail. All it took was to find an unused channel [2] and use that. It was believed that as long nobody said their ship's name that using the CB radios didn't compromise operational security.

This is no shit: A destroyer was steaming into the naval station at Roosevelt Roads, Puerto Rico. The ship was heading for an anchorage, and, like a lot of ships, they were using walkie-talkies. When the ship was at the right spot to drop the anchor, the Conning Officer keyed his walkie-talkie and radioed:

"Foc's'le, Bridge, let go the anchor!"

That command was heard on two ships. The other ship was an oiler that was heading down the channel at Roosevelt Roads at ten knots. The Bo'sun's Mate on the Forecastle of that ship keyed his radio and yelled:

"Let go the anchor, Foc's'le, Aye!"

At that command, the sailor holding the sledgehammer at the pelican hook swung the hammer and knocked it free and all hell broke loose.

Fortunately, there were no injuries and nothing serious was broken. But an order went out from the Type Commanders, in very short order, outlawing the use of CB radios aboard ships.

[1] All included the letter "J", designating the circuit to be sound-powered.
[2] Not 9, the emergency channel or 19, most commonly used by truckers

Monday, March 14, 2016

'Tin Can Tess'

Don’t rightly remember who sent me this, but it sure is an entertaining bit to a story!  Apparently it’s from way back in the Fifties era when sailors were sailors and the civilians loved a man in uniform!!  Here goes…

They say there was a forever bar somewhere in the past for the tin can sailors back in the day! It had a waitress they christened as Tin Can Tess!! She wore a diminutive custom fit jumper, white short shorts and a navy blue bow in her hair!!!

She had two three bladed screws… the type that looked like the ones on a Machinist’s Crow tattooed on each cheek of her fanny! Late at night when the drunks got right Tess would bend over Yell’n…

“I'm Tin Can Tess...twin screws and built for speed."

… and jerk her shorts and panties down to her knees!!!

Thursday, March 10, 2016

'Damned Those Torpedoes'

I heard a story once of how a company developed a new "torpedo!”  It ran off very high temperature and pressured nitrogen!!  The problem with getting it to work was the sealing!!!

Finally, they found an O-ring that could handle the temperature and pressure! So they put it in and brought it to the ship to test!!  It was a very short test because it did not work.  Eventually, they found out why!!!

The high temperature, high pressure O-ring was also water soluble!  When they took it apart, it was all goo!! Torpedoes are used underwater, for those of you who didn't know!!!

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

'Riggin' Bill That's Me' Part II

‘As Promised’

Miss Annie Knight,
Canarsie, Brooklyn,
New York

Dear Annie,

The guy who wrote the song about finding the million dollar baby doll in the fave and dime store certainly must have had you in mind! Yesterday at lunch you sure looked like a million bucks, tax exempt too! Baby, when you turn the full candle-power of those big blue eyes to a sailor like me I go limp as a rag! Honest if we had those eyes on our ship we wouldn’t need those giant seaman lights.  You could just pop open your peepers on a dark night and they would light up the ocean for miles around!

Baby, you complained that the ring I gave you was turning green. Now I wanna warn you about that. When I snatched the diamond from the idol’s eye in that temple in India I forgot about the legend that goes with it! Whenever the girl who wears the ring gets jealous, the whole ring turns green! It all ties up with an ancient Indian curse I will tell you about when I see you again.

In other words Annie you been start’n to doubt me.  I could tell it in your letters and at lunch. You don’t believe in Riggin’ Bill as strong as you used to! Naturally the ring reflects your mood.  Stop worrying about that Park Avenue dame and rub a little baking soda on the ring. It will trun back to its original color.

I won’t be able to see you on the weekend as the USS Fox is doing patrol work around Long Island.  Remember, don’t worry and don’t forget the baking soda!!!

Your Sea-Going Sweetheart,

Riggin’ Bill

Monday, March 7, 2016

'The Cost Of The Cost Of The Cost'

The Navy ages ago bought an airplane called the A-3 that looked like a black-eyed pea with wings and was supposed to chunk atomic bombs on the Russians! (You've heard the Navy's recipe for Chicken Kiev? Heat the city to four million degrees and throw in a chicken.) The A-3 had a design life of twenty years!! Crashing daily on a carrier ages a plane!!! (The Navy calls it "landing." I've seen it done, and I say it's crashing.)

Anyway, the A-3, like most airplanes, had a number of nonstandard parts! One was an odd bolt for the nose gear!! The Navy bought enough bolts for twenty years!!

Then Congress decided to extend the service life of the A-3 by several years… The Navy, now about out of bolts, needed a few more!!!

There are two ways to get a few bolts… One is to go to a bulk-bolt shop and order 10,000! They'll cost a buck each, for a total bill of $10,000… You'll use 10 and toss the rest overboard!! The other way is to get a machine shop to make ten bolts by hand!! This is expensive… as those ten bolts might cost $170.00 in bulk...


That's how the game is played! I could give many examples of no interest today, including the $600 toilet seat!!

Is it technically lying? Maybe not…

But does it really happen? Yep…

Does it happen all the time?

You bet it does! And people assume they're being lied to!!!

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Thursday, March 3, 2016

'Dirty Letters'

While in FC ‘A’ School it was sometimes a grueling affair! After my roommate and I scrubbed, polished and straightened everything in sight, we stood at attention as the Barracks Duty Officer entered our room!! He looked for dust over the window frame and inspected our lockers!!!

As he turned to leave, he placed his hand on a laundry bag tied to the end of a rack! There was this crackling sound...

"What the hell is in that ditty bag Sailor?"

"They’re Love letters, Chief!"

"What the hell are love letters doing in your laundry bag son?!?"

"They're dirty, sir!"

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

'Riggin' Bill - That's Me' Part I

They say…”Volens et Potens”… is Latin for… “Mothers lock up your daughters!”

Actually it's "Cataracta Sursum Vestri et Filiae Parentes"... but that's another story!

So, I got some great stuff from the last big one, WWII that I transcribed for all to read! Don’t know if you ever heard of Riggin Bill, but these are a series of letters back and forth between him and his ‘Will Book’ of Girl friends!!! Pretty entertaining to say the least!! You know the ol’ saying…

“Well Blow Me Down, I’d love to drop Anchor in Her Port!”

Seaman Riggin’ Bill,
Navy Yard, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Listen, you surf-board sailor, if you think you can stand me up and explain it away with a phony yarn about a society dame, you’ve got gremlins in your gyroscope!  You say you kept your mouth shut when the wine spattered over you… What a laugh!! You never passed up a drink in our life and now, as far as I’m concerned, you can go jump in it!!!

Don’t come around the five and ten where I work flapping those baggy pants of yours and rolling your sea-green eyes! The last time you came in I got so confused I couldn’t remember the prices of the merchandise!! Honestly you display more nerve than the mirror in a dentist office!!!

I waited by the Navy Yard gate for two hours yesterday and passed up plenty of good chances there, believe me! I guess you forgot they have a lot of handsome Marines guarding that gate and waiting just for a girl in a perfect tizzy of temptation!! I’ll give you one more chance but don’t ever mention the name of that Park Avenue play-girl again!! If you do, you’ll have scratches on your hatches, my sea-going sweetheart!!!

What you need, Riggin’ Bill is an anchor and I could provide it if I had a chance to squeeze some of that salt spray outta your system! Remember, another stand-up and we’re through… and I’ll return the ring you gave me!! Anyhow it looks a lot like the merchandise at our jewelry counter!! Good-bye for now and don’t wave at any Waves!!!


Annie Knight