Saturday, February 25, 2017

'Laughs, Parody, and Messing With The New Guys'

An ol’ Shipmate posted some picks today that caused me to thumb through my mental rolodex and come up with a few masterful memories! Now there's not a Crackerjack Sailor out there who hadn’t flip through his own salty memoires and didn't smile when he remembered the little things we hold so dear!! These old recollections go a long way to forming those lifetime bonds of what being shipmates was really about!!!

Now we all know that life underway without a bit of cerebral stimulation could be boring as hell! Not a whole lot different than mushroom farming or watching paint dry… which sometimes was the case!! This ‘Vu’ got more ‘Deja’ all the time!!!

In most cases, the work day was longer than the amount of work that actually needed to get done! They tasked us with a lot of busy work to keep us occupied! We needed something to break up the underway blues!!!

To a new guy, this must’ve been like coming onboard as a stray mutt adopted by a family of trailer trash! And we just had to fuck with the new guy… Like ‘Good Gaming’ another shipmate right after an inspection or some other grab ass & horse play…

“That shit is fucking gay!”

“What do you mean that’s gay? I mean, how do you know you’re not gay?”

… To which he’d reply …

“I ain’t fuck’n gay!”

“How do you know you’re not gay? Have you ever sucked a dick before? I have… I know what it’s like! I hated it! But you can’t knock it if you don’t try it!” 

… Then came the parody to ‘Loving You’ …

“Butt Loving You”… •*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•
“Is easier with Vaseline”… •*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•
“Lubee In You Doo-Doo” … •*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•
“OOOOHHOOOOOHOOOO!!” … •*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•

That usually got the whole compartment rolling! After such escapades the games would begin!! The new guy wouldn’t enter the head alone!!!

Any of you shitbirds remember me standing square in front of that mirror flexing me naked butt cheeks… while flossing the crack and powdering me testicles?!?

That usually heralded a good ol’ fashion towel snapping contest! One of them standard issue ‘Navy Towels’ with your SSN# written on the corner would do!! It could tear the meat right outta your hide… ‘By God’ I might go to hell, but I swear it could!!!

It used to be a good Shipmate could find the humor in any situation no matter how bad it was! Even the ‘XO’ took light of my Meg Ryan rendition of an orgasm just before ‘Heads-n-Beds!! There was no shame… !!!

Okay, and maybe I need to stroke my ego so I’ll continue to be a legend in my own mind … but ‘Boy Was It Fun!!!’

And the movies at night when not on watch …

“A Few Good Men’ was the most disappointing gay film I’d seen all year!”

… That’s when the new guy was as baffled as Adam on Mother’s Day!! He’d look like a vegetarian in a testicle eating contest!!!

Nowadays you can’t harass the new guy anymore! You’ll get Court-martialed or sent to Skippy’s Mast for ‘Acting A Fool!’  Where have all the good times gone?!?  Now Sailors grow up not knowing how to get fucked with!! It’s a travesty I tell you!!!

One thing you had to learn being a shipmate! You had to learn to take some shit… learn how to be fucked with! There weren’t no times to be a sensitive little flower in these here parts!! You’re in the United States Navy for Heaven’s Sakes… we kill people and break stuff!! I got pretty good at the game!! I rolled around in it… I cradled it, I caressed it, I got all biblical on it…

“Slings and Arrows thrown my way in consequence!!!”

I guess at some point there were just too many ‘new guys’ with the IQ of a Camshaft screaming like scalded eagles because they were getting picked on! You know the kind I’m talking about… the ones who were as useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy ass!!!

That’s when you needed that guy… You needed the one who stood the watch when he smelled bad! You needed that one guy with the twinkle in his eye and only a few months left to his EAOS!! You know the one… the one who could give two shits less!!!

You needed him why?!? You needed him because he’d been around and seen some shit!! He’s done shit!! He’s the one that would put the ‘New Guy’ in Check!!!    

We need a new term for sensitive little shits in this here Navy… because at least pussies can take a pounding!!!

I once read a quote…

“Life is made up of Moments… Moments create Days, days create Months, months create Years, years create LIFE! Lose the Moment and you lose Life!”

One day, my ol’ Shipmates will be parked in their lazy chairs thinking to themselves…

That was one hell of a ride!”

I’ve always had nothing but the greatest respect for those fellas… The ones that I served with!!!

Monday, February 20, 2017

Navy Dentists!!!

The day the Chief Dental Tech gave the young boots a quick lecture on dental health:

"Now hear this! There are three rules for good teeth. Drink milk, brush your teeth often, and mind your own business!"

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

‘What Have We Done With The Drunken Sailor’

I’ll never understand today’s Canoe Club and the whole Alcohol Deglamorization thing! Booze combined with our naturally inherent stupidity made Crackerjack Sailors famous the world over!! We were widely known for our improper behavior, destroying waterfronts, chasing dames, disrupting social events and urinating in those fabulous water fountains!!!

“I didn’t know it was a water fountain… I thought it was a public urinal with the bronze cupid peeing in the middle of the pool… how was I to know?!?”

Sailors have been getting drunk since the dawn of time! Even in the Book of Genesis, Noah planted a vineyard after sailing the Ark and got dead drunk!! And in Norse Mythology, the God of the Sea is also the God of Beer who always gets the other Gods drunk when visiting his domain!! We’re the only branch of service that even mentions beer in our fight song for Christ Sakes!!!

 Did you know that Captain Morgan was a colossal alcoholic?!? It’s said he died from dropsy due to his acute alcoholism!! And for all you literature buffs out there, in the Aubrey-Maturin series of ‘Wooden Ships and Iron Men,’ they refer to the Captain’s Coxswain as being ‘Drunk even by Naval standards?!?’        

They’ve named bars after us in places all around the world! Pattaya Beach you’ll find the Sailor Bar, Cabo San Lucas there’s Squid Row, The Drunken Sailor in Key West, Florida as well as many, many more!! Hell… I’ve even heard of ‘The Drunken Sailor Bar’ in Greece & Spain!!’ We’ve made our mark everywhere we go!!!

I remember a shipmate on my first trip to Mexico say’n…

“It’s time to get Pirate eyed and Tequilafied Shipmate!”

Why does ya’ think Popeye always squints his one eye?!? It’s ‘cause he’s always drink’n doubles and seeing the same way!!!

I found over the years that hanging out in dives and hole in the wall shit joints are some of the best places to meet the most interesting specimens of humanity! It’s the kind of place you go to when there’s too much blood in your alcohol!! You go because you sought solace in God, philosophy, or the bottle depending on your personal taste!!!

 In my heyday when I was a young fuck up, we had our hangouts! There were five dollar pitchers at the El Camino’s or Eighty-Eight Beers around the world at McDinni’s Baha!! And we used ‘booze coupons’ to pay for it all!!!

"Hey go get us something to drink. I'm thirstier then a Hooker on a dry dick!"

When you’re a Crackerjack Sailor in faraway lands, you’re always thirsty, but it’s nothing a couple of 151 Mai Thais can’t take care of! We drank and we drank… sometimes every night of the week… import of course!! We’d pat ourselves on the back if we didn’t go out for a smoke and a drink!! I remember hearing a shipmate once…

"I'm gonna get a dog, name it Liver and abuse it!"

Yes… we were a bunch of pool shooting, beer swilling, card sharking sons-a-bitches! All we cared about was chasing tale and drinking!! That’s just how it was…

“If I ever quits me drink’n and screwing strange women it will be a sign of the Apocalypse I tell you!”

And more times than not we ended up drunk and alone…

“I'm as faced as a shit could possibly be faced. I mean I’m fuck as drunk...fuck it, I’m just gonna lay here and play with One Eyed Willie… In the street!”

And Drunken Sailors tend to become some of the bravest of souls when fueled on cigarettes and booze! At times It can be like an aging bull terrier trying to take on a Rottweiler…

"Don’t screw with me you son-of-a-bitch or I’ll fuck your old lady up the ass and bitch slap your kids at your funeral!"

… or …

“After I shove that pool stick so far up your ass it tickles your tonsils I’m gonna fuck start your girl in the ass until she begs me to stop!”

Yes, vulgar exchanges, darts, pool, fights, banter, the DJ playing in the background… and Ever so often you won the prize and got to take the girl home! But then there were some nights you’d be so drunk you’d find the gal who’d stroked more wood than a furniture polisher!! Not to mention waking up next to a face looking like a gorilla's armpit!! You remember the one… the morning you tried to chew your arm off to get away before she woke up!?!

But then there were those nights we didn’t get lucky! Remember making your approach to the ship about midnight wobbling up the gangplank?!? It was an automatic drunk detector… as a glideslope indicator would have worked wonders navigating up the brow!! Hopefully you made it back to the right bunk!! There was nothing like rolling into berthing tore up from the floor up!!!

Many a night we’d stroll on into the berthing or the crew’s lounge and there’d be a shipmate slumped over like a sack of potatoes, except potatoes usually had better skin!!  It was always a good time for puking and pissing anywhere and everywhere waking up the duty crew!! There’s nothing like a Freddy Krueger look’n Boatswain-mate son-of-a-bitch ripping open the rack curtains and letting out the ol’ ‘Golden Flow… or Seaman Schmuckatelli leaving a rainbow colored liquid trail all the way through berthing into the head!!’ OOH It happened… more often than it should!!!

Then was the ‘Dawn of a new Day!’ The ‘Morning Quarters Drunk Parade’ walking into ranks with your head swirling like the water in that shitter you pulled it out of ten minutes ago!!

“Well would you looky here… a returning load of happy, rollicking 'three sheets to the wind' Crackerjacks! I’m so glad to see your shiny faces in the morning!”

Because all we lived for at that age was getting drunk, getting laid, going broke and doing it all over again the next payday! The happy-go-lucky sons-a-bitches I grew up with didn't seem to care!! In fact it was encouraged and the incessant grab ass that followed was inexhaustible!!!

But in today’s world you get breathalyzers! You’ve got Ken dolls with flat shaved Tinkerbell chests looking like metro sexual runway models!! Too many freaks and not enough circuses I’d say!! If you’re looking at enjoying a life of swashbuckling action and adventure in today’s Canoe Cabaret, you’re living a life of illusion!!!

Drunken Crackerjack Sailors could do amazing things and be extremely entertaining when they wanted to be! You gotta realize… we weren’t just idiots!! We were drunken idiots… and we had fun every inch of the way!!!