Wednesday, December 24, 2014

A Sailor's Christmas

For all you Christmas Sailors out there… ‘A Sailor's Christmas’ is a track on the album ‘Christmas Island’ written by Jimmy Buffett.

Sail on the horizons, gotta landfall rendezvous
Captain steers a well known course, he steers straight and true
As he trims the sheets, he sings a song he learned on boats and bars
Sailor spends his Christmas in a harbor 'neath the stars
He's traveled through the doldrums, typhoons and hurricanes
He's logged a million soggy miles with water on his brain
But Christmas is the season better suited for dry land
He'll tell some lies, meet some spies and dance barefoot in the sand
The sailor spends his Christmas in a harbor on the hook
Caye con les, no work today, let's shell the ol' log book
The waterfront is reveling, the season has begun
The sailor spends his Christmas in a harbor having fun
There's a party down at Le Selecte, music, rum and cheers
Faces in the shadows, God, I haven't seen for years
A mast and shroud fill with lights 'neath the waning of the moon
They're an airy celebration in the realm of King Neptune
The sailor spends his Christmas in a harbor on the hook
Caye con les, no work today, let's shell the ol' log book
The waterfront is reveling, the season has begun
The sailor spends his Christmas in a harbor having fun
Jesus was a fisherman who walked upon the sea
The North Pole is ocean's remote frozen balcony
The continents keep drifting but the children sing and play
'Cause nothing really matters, after all it's Christmas day
The sailor spends his Christmas in a harbour on the hook
Vaye con les, no work today, he read it in a book
The waterfront is reveling, the season has begun
A sailor spends his Christmas in a harbour having fun
A sailor spends his Christmas in a harbour having fun
Havin' fun, havin' fun, havin' fun
Merry Christmas Shipmates!!!

Saturday, December 20, 2014

'Join The Navy & See The World They Said'

Join the Navy meet passionate beauties, catch embarrassing exotic diseases! Sold on t-shirts off Magsaysay, where the VD rate was running pretty rampant at the time… So bad the USO showed up with an artificial Christmas tree decorated with condoms for the ‘Crackerjacks’ going on liberty…

Friday, December 19, 2014

‘US Navy Wears Out Aussie Prostitutes’

I found this funny little Gem of a story and thought I would
share it! The story supposedly took place during a 2001-2002
deployment!! I don’t rightly know how true it is, but it sure
makes for one helluva Sea Story!!!
Perth prostitutes were reeling from exhaustion following an
influx of United States sailors stressed from a stint in a war
zone, a well-known madam said today.
Mary-Anne Kenworthy said she was forced to close the doors
Of her famous Langtrees brothel for only the third time ever
yesterday because her prostitutes were so worn out they
could no longer provide a quality service.
When she realised the sex workers just couldn't cope any
more she closed Langtrees doors for a day rather than risk
the brothel's reputation.
"We're the biggest and the best, I'd rather take nothing
than offer a poor service, " Ms Kenworthy said.
Langtrees did a week's business in just three days after
5500 American sailors disembarked in Fremantle on Sunday,
many of them stressed from their encounter with war, she
Three US warships the aircraft carrier USS John C Stennis,
the guided missile cruiser USS Port Royal and the fast combat
support ship USS Bridge were returning from taking part in
the war against terror.
"A lot of it was stres. They'd been in the war zone,"
Ms Kenworthy said.
"And they were a lot more agitated sexually because they'd
been at Sea too long.
"All the sex workers in Perth would have been exhausted."
Ms Kenworthy said she had to close the doors when she
realised some Sex workers were taking money when they
were not up to the job.
"The girls were starting to refuse to have sex but still
wanted money just for taking their clothes off."
Ms Kenworthy said she wished the US sailors would arrive
in smaller numbers.
"I just wish they could dribble-feed the Yanks in, fly a
thousand off at a time," she said.
"We usually find the Yanks are hard work but lots of fun,
this time they needed the company too."
Ms Kenworthy said the last time she closed the brothel's
doors was on December 31, 1999 so the girls could party.

Friday, December 12, 2014


Never be first, never be last and ‘Never Again Volunteer Yourself’… for anything!!

Sunday, December 7, 2014

‘Chief at Quarters before Liberty goes down’

"If you take her back to the hotel and her legs and ass look like someone beat them with a sack of nickels, double time outta there… Unless you like cottage cheese!! In that case come see me after formation… I'll give you my ex-wife's number!!!"

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

‘The Pizza Guy Delivers’

It's amazing what dusty, cobweb coated memories you can delve up damn near twenty someth’n years later! I figured now is a good time to dust off some of those memories before my recollections have lost definition and clarity!! It doesn’t take long before the mind starts to oxidize into rust!!! I believe the statutes of limitations of what happened between my cohorts… Rhonda, Lori, and Brian some years ago have about run out… barring me from discussing, referring to, alluding towards, hinting at, using relevant facts of, or divulging details on anything that pertains to that night over the phone!!!

Many moons and some years ago before I met my wife, I made acquaintance with my sister-in-law, Rhonda ‘Honda,’ in that blue collared Navy town known as Bremerton, Washington! Anyone who knows Rhonda quickly realizes she has a mouth shoddier than a sailor… trust me, I know these things!! She spits out language worse than a whorehouse parrot giving sermon at a catholic mass!! My daughter has a cussing jar just for her!!!

Now before I journey any further keep in mind… this was back in the day when I’d hang out with people my mother would never approve of! We had a pad that our shipmate Miguel lived at and he had a civilian roommate named Brian who was commonly referred to as the Pizza Guy!! He worked at the ‘Pizza Connection’ as a delivery boy also selling weed and other illicit sundry items on the side!! It was at Miguel and Brian’s pad we often engaged in panty research… some happy endings, some not so happy and many numerous great memories… as it was an age of young lust!!!

Brian wasn’t the prettiest guy in town but as the ‘The Pizza Guy’ goes… some women were exceptional at giving a free pass to any magic powered pixie dust the Pizza Guy could deliver!! With this knowledge you must understand, Brian was the type of guy whose dream job was smoking a bong while issuing bras at a female sorority… well, as a twenty-two year old male… who’s wasn’t… at least the sorority bit anyway!! He may have been a co-sponsor for the earliest ‘Girls Gone Wild’ filmage but that I can neither confirm nor deny!!!

One thing was for certain… you know us Crackerjack types are well versed in the three ‘F’s of life… ‘Fighting & Fucking and Fun Time Drinking’ was the mantra of the day!  Like a stray dog, once Brian was your friend he’d stick up for you to the end… or at least until bail was posted!! In a bar fight you never had to look around and waste time to see where he was as he always had your six!!!

To most of the local gals, Brian and Miguel’s residence was considered a major sin location to be avoided unless you like your panties to be dropped on a regular basis! There was plenty of opposite gender interaction...  as childish and trivial ‘boys will be boys’ nonsense happened pretty gaudamned regularly!! In those days we were extremely attentive in the academic interest of female bust development& size and there astute ability to stand Mr. Skin up on end at attention!!!

Then he met Rhonda! Already in a strenuous relationship with another gal, he got tangled up with Rhonda!! I suppose in hindsight he would’ve been better off had he invested in some sort of chastity belt fabrication program to keep from dipping his wick in that candle wax!! But he had to stick the old cannon ramrod up her muzzle and that was all she wrote!!!

Like all girls, Rhonda had a group of friends and in their little crowd was a gal named Lori who was at the pinnacle of sexual attractiveness! Needless to say she seemed a bit out of Brian’s league!! WE should’ve known something was up when she called his house late one evening…

“Hey Brian… I’m feeling really horny right now and I was wondering if you could come over with your pepperoni and keep me company!”

“Hell… if she’s call’n him up she must’ve been clued in on him winning the latest Lottery!”

Sitting on Brian’s bed we listened in on the conversation curious as to what Lori had to offer the Pizza Delivery Guy!

“Life is a cabaret my friend, here in Caligula’s bedroom!”

That’s when she placed one of her Snow White apples in his dinner tray…

“So what time do you want me to come over baby!”


… And there was Rhonda, calling Brian all seven kinds of Sons-a-bitches she could muster up from her vernacular on the other end of the phone!!!

“GREAT SCOTT… You’ve been hoodwinked, hornswoggled and tossed in a watertight fish net Brian!”
Nope! This wasn’t one of your silly little girl bathroom snickers!!  He took the bait… and just couldn’t resist the trap cheese! I mean at least he wasn’t caught with some teeny-bopper piece of jailbait bobbing up and down at the Super 8 behind Denny’s or the Chieftain up the hill... But Open mouth and insert foot!! Every word he spoke just dug the hole a little deeper!!!

His bull shit might have passed as ballsy rather than stupid if he hadn’t of just stepped in the smelliest pile of shit for the ages! It was like sitting front row, center stage at a Jerry Springer show!! I think I busted a shit string I was laughing so hard!!!

“Tell, advise me as to what action I should take to seperate myself from this Grief? How do I rid myself of this embarrassment?!?”

Yes… for quite a while after that, all the gals in the Kitsap area thumbed their collective noses at poor Brian, never to be trusted again! It also gave rise to an amusing exchange of banter, mockery and downright sarcasm within the tribal boundaries of our little boys club we had associated with at the time!! Those  ‘pissing against the wind’ and giving your bros a lot of shit type of moments!!!

“Hey Brian, you could go out and get adopted by some big busted Bremelo, and  get dragged home like a stray cat for the night!?!”

“Then you could tie a bandana over your eyes and pretend she’s Cindy Crawford… except bigger!! Way bigger! Any large animal of the feminine type should do!!!”

Then ol’ Brian started to become scarce! I suppose he was a bit embarrassed over the whole situation…

“Anyone but me starting to wonder? I've been watching ABC, NBC, and CBS local news....No ugly men turning up face down in the Puget Sound...”

“Folks, If you know any clueless son-of-a-bitch who needs help in figuring out women… don’t come calling to Brian! He’ll screw it up for you no doubt about it!”

Years later I ran into Brian again, all Three Hundred Pounds of him he’d gained! I never would’a thought it affected him so badly!!

“You still delivering Pizza to the ladies Brian?”

“No… I am a reformed whore or someone attempting to be anyway!”

Yep, Rhonda never fails to remind me to this day of Brian’s tandem failure with the devil that fateful night.... try’n the two for one special! I swear things were easier in high school… but who can forget being dumb, young and full of sexual vigor in those early years of the ol’ Canoe Club!! Yes, we Crackerjacks are a sorry lot we are… neck deep in bosoms and iniquity!!!

 ‘Oh the shame of it all… Oh The Memories!!!’

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

'Rain Locker Humor'

The RDC in Boot Camp talking to one of his Recruits…
"They did a survey of a few guys on a ship recently. They found out that half of them beat off in the shower. The other half sing in there. You know what they sing?"

 "No, Chief. What?"

"Well… now we know which half you belong too..."

Wednesday, November 26, 2014


Take one civilian, slightly green
Stir from bunk at early hour
Soak in shower daily
Dress in blue jacket
Mix with others of his kind and
Grate on Chief's nerves
Toughen with boot camp
Add liberal portions of beans and soup
Let stand on watch
Bake in 110 degree temperature
Let cool below zero
Season with courage and loyalty
Top with pride... and
Garnish with decorations
Serves 350 million people

… For extra spice add copious amounts of bourbon, rum, tequila, or scotch… or whatever else floats your boat!!!

Saturday, November 22, 2014

'Even Numbered Chiefs'

This was a segment of Entry #17 in my charge book when I made Chief… it was a humorous jab at some of our Seniors… or was it!! (You Decide!!!)


'Your Job'


Friday, November 21, 2014

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

‘Roving Patrol’

Now how many of you ol’ Crackerjacks out there remember pulling the ol’ four hour Roving Patrol Watch?!? That was the best Gravy Train on the Watchbill! You got to roam the passageways your entire watch shoot’n the shit with all your cohorts while armed like a bandit wandering the decks!!!

You’d walk the entire ship, spending plenty of time in the crews lounge or up on the bridge playing with the helm, or hang’n out on the smoke deck! Ever so often the Section Leader might put up a sticky note for you to find or have you initial a placard or two when you showed up at certain security points!! But for the most part you were just lolligagg’n and skylark’n like most shipmates do best!!!

You see the whole idea was to keep a good eye around the ship just to make sure your sorry ass checked in about every thirty minutes or so with the OOD at various times! But you didn’t want to be the one who didn’t show up to the Quarterdeck on time!! That would be an all out fail…

Yep… the dreaded ‘Security Alert’ would get called away! You didn’t want to get caught day dream’n four feet away or watching the BooB Tube down in the lounge when you should’a been making your rounds!! Damn… especially if it was after TAPS!!!

But it happened time and again! I’d been late on a few occasions! Lucky for me I was close enough to the Quarterdeck running my ass off that the OOD saw me coming and declined to call Security Alert away!! But when you didn’t make it, it was as if you’d turned the planet on it’s corner and all the fellas wanted to bury you for making them have to get outta there comfy positions and play chase the bad guy for fifteen minutes!! Yeah, it was one hell of a way to endear yourself to your shipmates!!!

I sure wasn’t the only unlucky sumbitch out there! This scenario happened at least every other day import!! I remember one particular duty day on the Ol’ USS Baglady… The night was warm and humid, full of hormones and a serious lack of promise, and not much judgment! I’d just went to the sink from the rain locker in the forward head brushing my teeth when all the sudden…

“Security Alert… Security Alert!”

… sounded over the 1MC!

“Reason for security alert, Rover failed to report!” 

Then out of the shitters… pull’n his dungaroos up like it’s know one’s business and a ripped up ol’ nekkit girlie magazine that looked like it’d made it’s rounds through anchor windless a dozen times…

“Hey shipmate… don’t forget your holster & weapon hang’n off the door!”

This is where the said ‘Rover’ started running towards the Quarterdeck as exuberantly as a pyromaniac starts fires!! Then after gett’n his but chewed by the CDO… the poor son-of-a-bitch had to face the Chief Section Leader! Back in those days Chiefs were the kind’a fellas that could probably tear the hind leg off of Godzilla!!

“Son, if your thoughts were any shallower I’d suspect your brain pan of being a cookie sheet! You’re a gauddamned case of Darwinian reversal... you dipshit!”

“Sorry Chief… I was just taking a dump and lost track of time!”

“Yeah I’m sure that’s all you were doing in the shitter… not sure rather to be amused or annoyed!”

The things My Chief used to say… funny, irreverent, caustic, and usually right on the money! And we fell prey in an exhilarating sense by being where we weren’t supposed to be at the right place and time!! Yes those were the days… I don’t guess we saved the world or cured cancer… but it was a pretty gauddamned good run anyways!!!

Thursday, November 13, 2014

'A Sailor And His Beer'

A sailor will walk 10 miles in a freezing rain to get a beer but complain mightily about standing a 4-hour quarterdeck watch on a beautiful, balmy spring day.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

What Is A Vet

A special one for Veteran’s Day…

Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a jagged scar, a certain look in the eye.
Others may carry the evidence inside them: a pin holding a bone together, a piece of shrapnel in the leg—or perhaps another sort of inner steel: the soul's ally forged in the refinery of adversity. Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem. You can't tell a vet just by looking.
So, what is a vet?
He / She is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn't run out of fuel.
He / She is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hours of exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel.
She-or he-is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing every night for two solid years in Da Nang.
He / She is the POW who went away one person and came back another—or didn't come back AT ALL. He / She is the TRADOC drill instructor who has never seen combat—but has saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members into soldiers, and teaching them to watch each other's backs.
He / She is the parade-riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with a prosthetic hand.
He / She is the career logistician who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by.
He / She is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all the anonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean's sunless deep.
He / She is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket-palsied now and aggravatingly slow—who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all day long that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come.
He / She is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being—a person who offered some of his life's most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificed his ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.
He / She is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothing more than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest, greatest nation ever known.
So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just lean over and say, "Thank you." That's all most people need, and in most cases it will mean more than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded.
Two little words that mean a lot, "THANK YOU."
-      Author Unknown…

Friday, October 31, 2014

'Hot Rod Race (Navy Style) '

I found this little number On the USS Begor website
A Navy Poem whose author is unknown but it was
submitted by a Jack Pate, LTJG, SC, who served from 1955-57


Now me and a buddy and a guy named Joe
    took off on a can from Sasebo,
The chow was poor and the fuel was low,
    but that doggone can could really go.

Now along about the middle of the night,
    we were steaming along with all our might,
When a cruiser behind us blinked his lights,
    blew his whistle and pulled into sight.

We had twin screws on that little old can,
    which might have you think we were in a jam,
But to you swabbies who don’t dig that jive
    that’s 16 boilers and an overdrive.

Now we were men who likely knew
    we could race all night until something blew.
That fantail was deep from the turn of the screws,
    but through the waves we flew and flew.

Over the ocean we did glide,
    flying along with the throttles wide.
The skipper screamed and the crew they cried,
    but we and that cruiser stayed side by side.

We looked o’er the fantail ‘cause we heard something coming:
    sounded like a jet the way it was humming.
It was coming along at a terrible pace,
    and we knew right then it was the end of the race.

As it streaked by our side, we looked the other way,
    but, the crew of the cruiser had nothing to say.
For there going by was a Reserve JG,
    pushing a hopped up LST !

Saturday, October 18, 2014

'Tell'n Them Like It Is'

When the Chief ‘Says’ he’s got a no-shitter to tell… there’s a valuable lesson to be learned from it! Everyone gathers round and listens!!!

Thursday, October 16, 2014

'Swapp'n Lies And Fairy Tales'

Sitt’n with Smitty and Jonesy and some ugly toothless hag in an old cavernous beer bar hardened by the years & beers of Swabbies & Mariners alike… swapping  lies & no shitter fairy tales… because that’s what sailors do!!!


Monday, October 6, 2014

‘Running You Ragged’

This one was sent to me by a Cold War shipmate who either worked with ASROC Nukes or was a Submariner… not sure which…


An E Division Chief while sitting on the aft workbench drinking coffee and looking down at me scrubb’n the deck on the mid watch…

“You know why the Navy is always running you ragged?”

“Why’s that, Chief?”

“To keep you pissed off, that’s why. Happy, contented sailors might think twice about launching a missile that will kill 20 million people in an instant. But, on the other hand, take your average pissed off swabbie who’s cleaning something that’s not dirty for the umpteenth time! He’ll push that button in a fuck’n heartbeat!! Don’t kid yourself, the Navy knows this. And that’s why you’re scrubb’n this deck for the thirtieth time this month!!

Friday, October 3, 2014

'Don't Tell Mom'

“Don’t tell Mom I joined the Navy!”
“She thinks I’m a pianist at a whorehouse!!!”

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


This one was written by an ol' school tin can sailor many moons ago...  

Come gather round me lads and I'll tell you a thing or two;
About the way we ran the Navy in nineteen fifty two…

When wooden ships and iron men were barely out of sight;
I am going to give you some facts just to set the record right…

We wore the ole bell bottoms, with a flat hat on our head;
Always hit the rack at night and never "went to bed"…

Our uniforms were worn ashore and we were mighty proud;
Never thought of wearing civvies, in fact they were never allowed…

What happened to the KiYi brush, and the old salt-water bath;
Holy stoning decks at night cause you stirred old Bosn's wrath!!!

We always had our gedunk stand and lots of pogey bait;
And it always took a hitch or two just to make a rate…

In your seabag all your skivvies, were neatly stopped and rolled;
And the blankets on your sack had better have a three-inch fold…

Your little ditty bag, it is hard to believe just how much it held;
You wouldn't go ashore with pants that hadn't been spiked and belled…

We had scullery maids and succotash and good old SOS;
And when you felt like topping off, you headed for the mess…

Oh we had our belly robbers but there weren't too many gripes;
For the deck apes were never hungry and there were no starving snipes…

Now you never hear of Davy Jones, Shellbacks or Polliwogs;
And you  never splice the mainbrace to receive your daily grog…

Now you never have to dog a watch or stand the main vent;
You even tie your lines today, back in my time they were bent…

We were all two-fisted drinkers and no one thought you sinned;
If you staggered back aboard your ship, three sheets to the wind…

And with just a couple hours of sleep you regained your usual luster;
Bright eyed and bushy tailed- you still made morning muster…

Rocks and shoals have long since gone, and now it's UCMJ;
Then the old man handled every thing if you should go astray…

Now they steer the ships with dials, and I wouldn't be surprised;
If some day they sailed them from the beach computerized…

So when my earthly hitch is over, and the good Lord picks the best;
I'll walk right up to HIM and say, "Sir, I have but one request…

Let me sail the seas of Heaven in a coat of Navy blue;
Like I did so long ago on earth way back in nineteen-fifty-two…

Compliments of Bill Brewer!!!

Saturday, September 27, 2014

'Mix'n Work & Play'

Ol’ School Artwork from a few Tin Can Snipes back in the Eighties!!!

Friday, September 26, 2014

'Pick'n On The Boy'

A story I wrote a week or so ago I’d mentioned one of those ‘Pick’n on the Boy’ kinda moments and it reminded me of another jiffy of a flash in this ol’ Crackerjack’s past!! It is a rather sordid tale but I'll speak of it anyway since… well that’s what this site is all about… right?!?   

Being on a bird farm, ‘Chucky V,’ as a young lad in my early days meant dealing with quite an assortment of scallywags and simple minded salts on a routine basis! Well we had this little feller up in CIWS nicknamed ‘Woody’ who wasn’t the brightest bulb in the batch!! He surely wasn’t the wisest in the division and gullible as I’ll get out!! One day after a long stent of chip’n and grind’n we’d been sitt’n in the mount taking a break when ol’ Woody went on one of his spells about the new ‘Love of his Life’ while describing every detail of their intimate lives… her hair, bra size, favorite sexual positions… you know the drill!!!

Well… this went on day after day, over and over for about a week… he was a proud man that Woody was! One of our other cohorts, known as ‘Snowman,’ checks in off leave and we fill him in on all the details that ‘Woody’ had been feed’n us!! Soooo… the next day of work we’re out on the sponson and we got ol’ Woody talking about his girly friend once again!! He states her name and mentions her blonde hair and glasses and ol’ Snowman chimes in…

“Is that Michelle such & such, with blonde hair glasses, she likes to hang out at the El Camino in Bremerton…etc, etc…”

after all, Woody already divulged this a few days earlier as he replies…

“Well, yeah, how’d you know all that?”

… to which Snowden retorts…

Hey, you guys remember that blonde gal at the El Camino… the one we took turns on at the ‘Super 8’ after breakfast at Denny’s?!? That’s the girl Woody’s dating!”

… Needless to say ol’ Woody was a bit dismayed by his new revelation as he got more and more pissed off with every guy who chimed in about his girl and how she liked to do it this way and that… the perplexity on his face was priceless!!!

The following day after morning Quarters ol’ Woody was anxious to get us all together as he had something to say! Apparently when he went over to his girl’s house that night he confronted her about the situation…

“She said you all must be thinking of someone else because the group of guys she slept with were off the ‘Nimitz’ and not the ‘Chucky V’!!!”

… We were all pretty gauddamned dumbstruck’n! Woody didn’t seem to care the least bit as long as it wasn’t us… and soon he was engaged and married!! Always wondered what happened with that there match made in hell…LoL!!!