Friday, May 26, 2017

"Six Feet Of Stretch"

While on one of my ships as a young Second Class Petty Officer, my wife didn’t care much for my Chief! He was well known for making life miserable within the Division giving out busy work and making us late getting home while in port.

During a Divisional get together the Chief introduced himself to my wife as he had never met her before. A discussion ensued something like this…

“So what is it that you do for a living?”

“Oh, I work in the medical field as a rectum stretcher!”

 “And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"


… She said…

"I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand I’m in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"Oh my, and just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

… He had to ask …

"You give him a set of anchors and call him a Chief!"

Saturday, May 20, 2017

‘The Sailor's Dream’

Here is a song for sailors sung bawdy, raw and uncensored. Not for the timid or prissy, this is an example of the entertainment seamen past and present created for themselves in the form of a chantey! I hope you enjoy…

As I was walking down the beach one dark and stormy night
I came upon a whorehouse with its red light shining bright.

I walked up to the welcome mat and knocked upon the door.
Who should answer but a lovely Chinese whore.

She wore a pink kimono, it was open at the front;
I swear I could have counted every hair on her curly cunt.

She asked me what I wanted, I found my voice at last;
"All I want from you is a piece of your lovely ass."

She took me to the bedroom and I laid her on the floor.

I swear I must have pumped her a hundred times or more.

And when I felt it coming that feeling was so grand…
Then I woke up in my sailor rack with my pecker in my hand.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

“Give Me The Balls Of Fatty Fitzgerald”

If you hadn’t read the book, “Steve McQueen Would Be Proud”, by Steve Mitchell then I’d suggest you do so! Especially if you’re one of them old timers from the Vietnam Era!! This book was a hoot and I loved every minute of it!!!

I’ll give you a taste of the Sea Story as it starts out with a young fella named Larson, a Third Class right out of ET ‘A’ School, and his first experience as he checks onboard the USS Dermody Quarterdeck!!!

Here it goes something like this…

Then suddenly, behind him, Larsen heard a car approaching too fast.  He stepped back and watched a yellow taxi rush by, screech to a halt 50 yards beyond the ship, then back up in low, whining reverse until it stopped, motor running, before the brow of the ship. Larsen backed into the shadows and watched a large, oriental woman wearing a tent-like muumuu erupt from the taxi, slam the door behind her and stomp toward the brow. 


The woman bellowed as she lumbered across the brow to the Quarterdeck. 

I’m gonna squeeze them off and eat’ em like grapes!”

She stopped at the end of the brow and pointed at the bewildered officer of the deck!

“Take me to Fatty!”

… She moaned, like a foghorn on a thick night …

“I’ll grind his dick into hamburger!”

Then the lady stepped onto the Quarterdeck, her outrage radiating.  Well that was one way to board a ship, Larsen reasoned. The woman took the Quarterdeck by surprise.

Boy if that doesn’t capture the hearts and minds of every fleet sailor who’d been there, done that and spread a few no-shitters across the land! Then it goes on about the OOD being an Ensign Sampson nicknamed ‘Fork’ because he was built like a long skinny prong, and a POOW by the name of Goetzinger who was ready to flick the new guy some shit as soon as he came aboard!! That was before the big lady Kahuna showed up looking for ‘Fatty’s Balls!!!’ 

“I’m sorry ma’am. Civilians are not allowed onboard ship after taps.” 

Sampson tried to be civil. An officer and a gentleman, Goetzinger smirked. He must had learned how to do that at the Academy.

And who the hell was this Fatty Fitzgerald anyway?!?

“TAPS! I give no damn about taps! Where Fatty? I rip out his gizzard with my teeth!”

Sampson raised his hands in a conciliatory gesture,

“But ma’am… there is no one by that name…”

Grunting in disgust, she brushed past the surprised officer. Sampson puffed up as big as he could get. 

“Woman! Get off this ship immediately. That’s an order!”

Sampson’s face was red and his eyes darted uncertainly. He pulled at the woman’s brown arm, but couldn’t budge her. She was a mountain, mountain ready to explode!

“Stay away!”

… She yelled, flinging him off with a forearm sweep. Sampson stood, breathing hard, his hands balled into fists. She turned to Goetzinger!

“How I talk to ship?”

Goetzinger shrugged, but an inadvertent glance gave it away.

“Ha! Men,”  she roared. “Weak, stupid lying men!”

She rumbled over to the 1MC and stared flicking switches. 

“Woman, stay away from there!”

Sampson screeched, then pointed at Goetzinger. 

“Give me your weapon, Goetzinger. That’s an order.”

Goetzinger began unbuttoning his holster…

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! The General Quarters alarm engulfed the ship, electrifying Sampson and surprising the woman.

“TURN THAT OFF!”  … Sampson screamed … “MY GOD!”

Within 30 seconds, dozens of half-dressed men appeared on deck like cockroaches flushed out of the pantry, wondering what the hell. Sampson’s voice was squeaky as he tried to make himself heard over the alarm. 

“Apprehend that woman!” … Sampson squealed.  “That’s an order!”

Now I know this book is labeled fictional… but how many San Migoos do you want to bet a similar situation happened somewhere onboard a ship that made this story what it is?!? 

It then goes on to explain how the CDO came on deck and barked at the Ensign…

“A Woman? We’re headed for the Tonkin Gulf tomorrow and a United States line officer can’t handle a woman?  Jesus...!” 

Man you got to love it!  If you get a chance, Google and order it online!! Library of Congress Number: 2001118732, ISBN: 1-4010-3037-8!! It’s less than Ten Buckaroos if you order through Barnes & Nobel!!!

AAAAH... you've got to get this Book! It's a great read!! Check it out…!!!

Monday, May 15, 2017

'Golf on the Forecastle'

Here is some more Classical Crackerjack Sea Going shit written by a Rudy Santiago… found in the ‘Wayback Machine!’ Those were the days when Popeye, Barnacle Bill and Captain Kidd all served together under Noah on the Grand ol’ Ark!! It was a time in our Naval History that salty old adventurers yarned buffalo chips together into some good ol’ fashioned tasty tales of salt & sailoring…  I hope you  enjoy this quick one…!!!

We were in transit from Guam to the P.I. on our 1969-70 WestPac! On board we had a boatswain by the name of Bob "Gab" Gabrielson who loved to play golf!! He was a big guy and wouldn't play any other sports because he didn't want to injure his hands and not be able to golf!!!

One afternoon as the ship was bobbing up and down all over the water, I was up in my perch in the signal shack looking down as Gab was out on the ASROC deck hitting golf balls off the port side into the ocean! All was going fine until one of the first classes came up to him and they were having one of them tongue & cheek bullshit sessions!! Being up in the shack, attached to the forward stack, I couldn't hear what was being said… it could’ve been a conversation about female breast development for all I could tell!!!

Ol’ Gab just kept a shaking his head! Finally, he slowly hands the club to the first class and takes a few steps back!! The first class grabs a ball, tees up, and swing......out into the ocean goes the ball.......and the club in toe!!!

I wish that I would have taken a picture, because from my view, Gab just stood there with his jaw dropping wide open! That first class stood there with his jaw wide open as well staring out to sea, waiting for Gab to send him after the club!! That First Class should’a given ol’ Gab a fifty pound sack of bar fine tokens when we got to Olongapo!!!

By the way, did I happen to mention that they were a brand new set of Ping clubs, matching set and very expensive?!?

It's a lot like going to sea with the Princess Cruise Lines… Just another Hallmark moment in the Crackerjack Canoe Club experience!!!

'Keeping Up With Technology'

In this day and age of technology the ol’ bastard of a peg legged one eyed Chief was having a hell of a time changing his gauddamned password every ninety days on his computer! On the ninetieth day the computer prompted him to change his password for the umpteenth millionth time!! Being the ol’ salt that he is, he decided in his own smartass way that he would use the Password: “PENIS”…

Seconds later he picked up the computer screen and tossed it across the office…

The computer stated…  “Try another, it's not long enough!”