Thursday, April 26, 2012

LOL.... This explains itself!!! Noth'n more to be said!!!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

‘Operation Golden Flow’

 With today’s ‘Canoe Club’ going into the more Politically Correct direction and everyone becoming a ‘Johnnie Be Good’… ‘Mary Sue Ellen’… cookie cutter ‘Eagle Scout’ citizen of Utopia variety… the ol’ crusty mariner’s club of ancient times, (WWII, Korea, Vietnam…etc.etc.) never had to deal with the ever sooo important mission of…  ‘Operation Golden Flow!!!’

This could otherwise be known as the Piss Test… Whiz Quiz… Mellow Yellow Exam… or in more professional circles… the Random Urinalysis!!!

Somewhere around the time of 1971 the U.S. military was having issue with the boys in ‘Nam’ coming home loaded on Heroin and even bring’n it back and selling it on the streets… apparently there was one helluva black market for the Opium Hashish Trade in those days… not to mention the ‘Movement’ in the states with all the Hippies runn’n amok smok’n the whacky tabacky and hallucinating on shrooms & LSD!!!

So there I was about fifteen years down the road … ‘Great Mistakes’ Recruit Training Center… northern Illinois!! We got off the bus about midnight… did a basic check-in after an hour of catching a ration of horse shit… about a hundred of us rounded up to some temporary holding barracks like herd of untamed cattle on a cattle car!!!

And in accordance with the ol’ Canoe Club’s ‘Zero Tolerance’ policy regarding the ‘reefer… ‘white lines’… heroin… and the ‘Crack’ cocaine… we were to have periodical urinalysis testing! Nothing speaks ‘empowerment’ like a surprise 0500 wake-up with a belligerent First Class Petty Officer…

"Alright dirtbags… drop your cocks & grab your socks… Let’s do this! Show me some skin… drop your trousers at the urinal… you know the drill!!!”

To me this was pure testament to the ol’ Soap on the Rope my ol’ buddy Joe was talk’n about!!!

“This guy wants to watch me ‘Awaken the Bacon… Bash the bishop… Chuck’n the muck’!!!”

So there we were a giant gaggle of scruffy, unkempt, civilian types… none of us were about to get in the way or make a scene… just sign the paper, grab the bottle, drop your drawers and do your thing…

I was stand’n there in a set of nonskid footprints like a nun in a whore house…

“Relax Recruit… it's only a piss test!  You're shaking like a dog shitt’n a peach pit!!!”

I remember I was so gauddamned nervous I got my noodle stuck in the zipper… If I would’a known what I know now I would’ve walked up look’n real concerned and anxiously clarified  how I hadn't studied for the test, and wanted to know if there’d be any extra credit points!!!

Between the stage fright and the lack of pure H2O hydration, I had to make a dozen or so visits to the water fountain just to get it primed for the pump…

“Are you gonna piss in the cup or are you gonna make me sit here and stare at your cock all damned day!?!?”

After two to three hours of anxiety… I peed so gauddamned hard I nearly knocked the cup outta my hand!!!

Upon a successful flow… it was time to put the red tape across the lid, never losing physical control of the bottle… never taking my eyes off for a moment… only to put my initials across the tape as to secure said container against tampering!! A lot of man hours went into this fiaso!!!

Eventually after a couple of years of this nonsense I started thinking of funny ways to make light of the situation… like putting water down my boondockers and taking them off just before I got ready to piss…

“I just couldn’t wait anymore!!”


“I was wondering… can I have a take home cup???”

Eventually if you stick around long enough… you get to stand ‘Cock Watch’… be a ‘Dick Tracy’… or ‘PC’ Urinalysis Observer!!!

I got my chance on the ol’ Rainier when a fellow ‘FC’ got fired for allowing a deck seaman… Seaman Mabre… to stick his finger in the cup… then he held the son-of-a-bitches cup while he zipped up his fly!!!

Even if I was ignorant of the rules I wouldn’t have touched his dirty pot-o-gold!!!

But I gotta say… it takes a special kind’a attitude to be piss ogling another fella’s pink kielbasa! It sure as hell ain’t the most delightful job on the planet!! You get up before everyone else and you make sure you stick around until you’re good to the very last drop… as the ol’ Maxwell House commercial used to say!!!

‘Crackerjacks’ in foul weather jackets and beat up ol’ dungarees hollering stupid shit back and forth while stand’n in line…

“Hey Cock Copper… you like ogling the Tube Snake smothered in underwear don’t ya!”

“I’d rather be the cabin boy on a Greek Vaseline Barge!!”

Then Chief would walk in…

“Seaman Jones… you look like Joe Shit the Ragman… Did you iron that uniform with a rock?!?!”

“Hey Shipwreck… why don’t you unholster those six shooters!!”


“Take your gauddamned hands outta your pockets numbnutts!!!”

“Thomas… get over here! You look like a Sitrep wait’n for a date-time-group… what the hell did you do last night?? You’re as high as a gaddaumed Giraffes Pussy!!!”

“Good thing we’re having this ‘Piss Test’… I’ve been look’n for a reason to shed some of this useless weight… now let’s get this show on the road… I’m tired of screw’n around!!! I’ve gotta hurry up and get home so I can play with the box the kids came in!!!”

Then you’d get the son-of-a-bitch who’d piss all over the side of the cup and refuse to wash it off…

But once you get comfortable and the sons-a-bitches keep mess’n with you…

“Can I hold that for you?”


“Do you need an extra hand?”

Eventually I was on independent duty as a Recruiter in the middle of Timbuktu, and talk about absurdity… Try driving two or three hundred miles just to give a sample of pee in a cup!! I thought for sure somebody would have to write a paper on fraud, waste, and abuse… That shit was for the looney birds!!!

There was a while there I’d noticed some observers were a bit complacent at watching the piss go into the cup… Once I was honored to don the uniform of a Chief… I really loved these guys!! First I’d tell the young fella I couldn’t piss without shit’n my pants so he’d haved to watch me in the shitter stall as I’d examine myself from every inch while pulling my skivvies down…

“Chief, what are you doing?”

“I’m check’n for hemorrhoids and hernias… what’ya think I’m doing??”

“Aaah Chief… that’s messed up!!”

“Hey, maybe you can come slap me on the rear a few times to help get it goin!!”

“Come on Chief… This has gotta be some form of workplace harassment!!”

“You…Huh…Huh…. Eeewwwwww!!!”

Splash!!! Tinkle… Tinkle…

“Yessss….That was refreshing!!!”

I thought about wearing a diaper just to show how ridiculous it was...

If you wanna know a good way for the Government to cut waste… get rid of those damned random piss tests… or at least make it for the ones who screw up!! If I ever have to piss in front of another pecker checker… penis machinest… or newbie observer again, I swear I’ll be wear’n a condom just for kicks… then let’s see the look on his face as I extract the ol’ Third Leg and ask…

“Hey Shipmate… I know you’ve been doing this all day… so how do I measure up??”

After all, if there’s gonna be a pissing contest there outta be a judge… Right?!?!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Reminds me of an ex-Fillipina Girlfriend... she loved 'Fishhead Soup'

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

‘A Crackerjack Sense of Humor’

There comes a time when a young man grows up… becomes aware of what a gauddamned idiot he is and accepts his responsibilities into the halls of manhood!

One of the things I remember about life in the ol’ ‘Canoe Club was the sense of humor. The pranks, banter, jokes, grab ass’n and other shenanigans… the very thread that wove us fellas so closely together you couldn’t fart without the other end of the boat know’n what you ate for chow!!!

Show me a ‘Crackerjack’ without a funny bone and I'll show you someone I wouldn't wanna be stuck at sea with.

Yes, the absurdity went from childish to sleazy in seconds flat… occasionally despicable but never dull! We had our moments and hell, that’s what brought out the camaraderie in all of us!!!

You see that’s how we expressed ourselves… and if you didn’t use your head in one of those heated melees of humor then you might as well have two asses… ‘cause that’s what you’d end up look’n like in the outcome of one of those verbal assaults!!!

Almost without fail… as soon as a new ‘booter’ would check onboard…

“Watch this shit! I’m gonna have fun with this rookie!!”

Poor kid would come prancing into the shop all young and proud as one of the Senior Petty Officers would come over and put his arm around the young fella and give’em a wink or a pinch on the ass…

The youngster would almost always get all defensive…

“Get off me… are you fuck’n Queer? I ain’t no damn fag!!!”

Then he’d ask the kid…

“What’s wrong are you homophobic or something? How do you know you’re not Queer?? Have you ever ‘Polished another fella’s knob’… ‘Played the Pink Oboe’… or ‘Smoked the Pole’!?!?”

The reply…

"Hell no, I ain’t no Fuck’n Homo!"

“Well then... don’t knock it til’ you’ve tried it kid!! I know I'm not gay 'cause I’ve sucked one mean cock and I didn't like it!!!"

The rest of the fellas would be roll’n on the deck laughing their asses off as the poor kid had the look of horror in his eyes!!!

Then there were the caricatures drawn in bitch books and green memo pads in ‘Combat’ late on the midwatch… ‘Ol’ Goff’ had a thing for farm animals… so he said… and Oh’ Henry… I’ve already written a few about that ol’ boy!!!

Drew a nice lil’ sketch of Goff drill’n for ‘Wool’ with his pet sheep as Nautical Needham stood to the side doing his Elvis Priestley impersonation to ‘Oh Henry’ as he comes walk’n up, tell’n ‘Oh Henry’ he’d have to wait his turn in line…

Somehow the ship’s Chaplain got a hold of that and boy… I was the spawn of the ‘Devil’ at that point… He was wound up tighter than the girdle of a Baptist minister’s wife at an all you can eat Sunday Brunch!!!

I had to apologize to all involved and write an essay on fraud, waste, and abuse with the use of ‘Government Property’!!!

And the language… we didn’t give two shits about our language back in the day… unless it was a ‘Tiger Cruise’ or the Admiral was onboard!!

I’m talking about the kind’a stuff you don’t read in ‘Doctor Suess’ books… ‘Cat In The Hat’ never used words like these!!!

I remember my ol’ buddy Shawn Mitchell made quite a wreck outta the ‘CIWS’ Mounts before he made LDO!!! Lord knows you gotta be about 10% smarter than the gauddamned equipment your runn’n!!! Between bash’n the Search Antenna and Radome into the hand rails and shooting off the muzzle & mid barrel clamps ‘cause he forgot to use his cottar pins…

“Hey Dennis… you got any of that ol’ camel cum over there in your gun mount??"

 "Does a Hobby Horse have a Hickory Dick?”

After losing his muzzle and mid barrel clamps in the deep blue he got our Leading Petty Officer ‘Wintersteen’ madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire!!!

“Mitchell!!! You better pull out that Dildo that's stuck in your ass and un-fuck yourself!!!"
The trouble was… we didn’t have women around so our social graces had deteriorated to the likes of… well… cuss’n like a sailor!!! You’ve heard the term… ‘Make you blush like a whore in church’!! We didn’t have our Mommas around to serve up copious amounts of soapy water for our unkempt mouths!!!

But things changed over the years… not sure for the better or the worse!!! Seems to me if a man can’t get his point across in the heat of anger… he becomes about as useless as tits on a wart hog!!!

It used to be that ‘Hand me that gauddamned piece-o-shit thingy m’jig sitt’n over there’ was socially acceptable language… then one day Mr. Bill Clinton came in with all that ‘PC’ nonsense and we all had to recalibrate…

Now an eighteen year old immature knucklehead is gonna have to watch what he says in his sleep!!! After repealing don’t ask don’t tell… who knows what’s coming next!!!

I heard that a fellow Chief recently retired and had this to say for his retirement speech…

"Twenty-Five years ago I joined this ol’ canoe club and it was illegal to suck a dick… today it's optional… and I'm just glad I’m retiring before it becomes mandatory."
But you know how the ol’ saying goes… “It only takes one ‘Awe Shit’ to kill a thousand att’a boys!!!’

Saturday, April 14, 2012

'Call To Mom'

A ‘Sailor called his mother in Florida.
"Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
Sailors… call home ever so often… your ‘Mother’ misses you!!!

Friday, April 13, 2012

I wonder how many times Navy Corpsman have been called Medics!!!
I Suppose it's better than the 'President' call'n them Corspsemen!!!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

‘A Case Of Mistaken Identity’

After my last story it got me to think’n…

It was rough… damn near impossible to sustain a long distance relationship with that sweet young lil’ thing back home when you were stationed two thousand miles away… after just a few months in the ol’ Canoe Club it was over… I got my ‘Dear John’ letter and it felt like a sure swift kick in the balls!!!

Imagine being stuck there festering and stewing… like an itch that just wouldn’t go away!! Like that area of your back you just can’t reach and it only gets worse and worse but you can’t do anything about it!!!

I was wounded like a wolf in a bear trap… I’d given that person all I could but circumstances beyond my control ended it all as I felt used and abused!  Thought I’d never get to feel’n better after that episode… so I was bound and determined to get drunk and sleep with random women whenever the opportunity presented itself!! I suppose that’s how I dealt with the hurt I was feel’n for gett’n shat on!!!  Yep, the ol’ Break-up Hangover they call it… your only defense to feeling gutted like a ‘sucka fish’!!!

Yes… this was ‘Custers Last Stand’ and I was gett’n tired of the ‘Four Knuckle Shuffle’ so I did what sailors were known for the world over… and went out whoring!! Why?! ‘Cause’ that’s what young men in ‘Crackerjack’ uniforms do… and I was about to join right in!!!

Heading across the street to the ol’ Helm Club I was out for the kill… and like I said before… them girls weren’t fancy or sophisticated in their government regulated white cotton blouses with torpedo tits look’n like a ‘Zeppilen Race’ and I had noth’n to lose!!!

Somewhere in the midst of a Terence Darby Sycamore Tree melody and burning up a couple hours of a weekend liberty pass… I’d met this cute little Navy gal a couple years my senior who was ready and willing to take on a young buck like myself!!

Now this wasn’t no gaudamned Cinderalla-Prince Charming type Romantic doo-dah! At some point in the night we decided to leave the club and find a little roach motel outside the gate somewhere up the road!! All the sudden love turned to lust and all I could think about was roll’n out the ‘Gang Plank’ and lett’n the seaman go ashore… if ya know what I mean!!!

After Donning Mr. Happy’s business suit… it was time to inoculate the ol’ panty hamster and we did the dirty for what was the first time since the ol’ break up from ‘Suzie Rotten Crotch’ back home!!!

Now I could easily turn this into a Penthouse Love Letter but that’s not what this is about so I’ll skip over the semantics of sex and stick to the story line here…

She was a Fireman about four years outta high school from Hershey, Pennsylvania going to Navy Engineman ‘A’ School and that’s all I can remember beyond our more intimate details together that evening… but what was most memorable… that damn gal could float an air biscuit!  She would fart something fierce all night… and every time she farted, I swear she’d knock loose a filling from my teeth!!

And before the night was over she’d lift the covers up for a little peek-a-boo and pull the ol’ one-cheek sneak and stink up the whole gauddamned motel room… I always wondered what the hell got stuck up inside that Hershey Highway… she sure the hell wasn’t shy about lett’n it all out!!!

The next morning we headed off to base and parted our separate ways… but not before schedul’n an afternoon rendezvous at the base gym… ‘Hell I was gonna get me some more of that action… she might’a been a bit obnoxious with the ol’ anal announcement but she was tighter than a skeeter’s ass doing a nose dive in the sack and I was ready and rear’n to go…

A few hours went by and I was at the Gym faster than a fart in a windstorm… looking, survey’n the place… finally I see this gal on the universal machine! She wasn’t wearing any make-up but sure as hell looked like her so I began to talk’n…

“So here I am… how’s your workout coming along?”

“Alright I guess!?!?” (looking on awkwardly…)

“Well I suppose I’ll go hit the bench press!”

Now that was a bit unpleasant… and once again I was feel’n sort’a loathsome and dejected like she was ignoring me and didn’t want to give me the time of day…

Later that evening I headed back to the ‘Helm Club’ with several of my fellow shipmates! Sitt’n at the table minding our own business when…

“You’d make for an excellent photo in a proctology textbook… ASSHOLE!!!”

“Where the hell did that come from?”  

I asked…

“You stood me up at the Gym and now you’re out with your buddies… I’m not some third rate whore you can have your way with and dismiss like nothing happened!”

And she splashed her drink in my face…

I did my damnedest to get her to listen to me… it all made sense now… the gal at the gym wasn’t even her! It was a pure case of mistaken identity!! But she wasn’t having any of it!! I’d done screwed the pooch on this one and knew I’d be sacrificing the sperm to the God of Lonely nights that night… after that lil’ episode I doubt she would’a spit in my ass if my guts were on fire!!!

But you win some and you lose some… that was the first time a gal had thrown a drink on me but it surely wouldn’t be the last… and from then on life as a ‘Crackerjack’ became quite an adventure… full of laminated horsemanure and plenty of prophylactics to enjoy the ride!!! 

And the lesson learned here… If a gal comes at you with hostility ready to cut your manhood off and feed it to the fishes…  ‘Just Play Dumb’ and act like you don’t know what she’s talk’n about… who knows, you might end up goin’ home lucky!!!

Friday, April 6, 2012

'Never Ask A Drunken Sailor'

One day a woman went into a tatoo parlor and asked for a tatoo of Frank Sinatra on the inside of one of her thighs, and Elvis Prestley on the other ...

When he was done the lady got really pissed off…

“They don't look anything like them!!”

The tattoo artist said that anyone could tell who they are. So he pulled a ‘Drunken Sailor’ inside and asked if he could identify the tattoos...

As the Sailor stammered he said…

 "I have no Idea... (Hiccup')... who the two on the sides are but the hairy one in the middle... (Hiccup')... with the bad breath is definitely… Willie Nelson!!!”

Thursday, April 5, 2012

And Just to think... I gained over 50 lbs after putting on Khakis!!!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

‘Dear John’

Now that I’ve become a retired hemp covered, barnacle encrusted, ancient mariner of the ol’ Canoe Club, I thought I’d speak a bit about the ol’ Dear John Letter…

It all started way back when… some GIs’ in WWII learned that long periods of separation from the hometown honeys could lead to the ill-fated expiration of that long awaited reunion back home. This is where the ol’ ‘Dear John’ letter came into play. The subject of a typical Dear John memo would read something like this...

"I fell on your best friend’s penis since you've been gone and I believe it would be best if you and I went our separate ways!!!"

The practice of writing ‘Dear John’ letters became so common… some ladies didn't bother to write more than ‘Dear John’ on the damn thing! When fellow shipmates pushed for more details, many retorted…

"That's all she wrote."

This is said to be how the phrase ‘that’s all she wrote’ came about!!!

At Nineteen and right outta High School we were all young… dumb… and full of too much sexual angst to be pull’n our puds for just one gal!! But what the hell did we know… you fall in love and all you could think about was that ‘Suzie Rotten Crotch’ back home!!!

Hell, I was one of the lucky ones… I got my start as soon as I got hitched to the ol’ Canoe Club!! On a daily basis in Boot Camp we were educated on the importance of ‘Mail Call’ as we waited for letters from the civil side of society… and it never failed when I would get mine from my sweetheart back home…

"Holy Shit… perfumed calligraphy and lipstick to match… This shit would turn an embalmed monk horny… Gaudamn man… get that shit outta here!!"

Hell, eight weeks of them letters during basic training and I was having one nocturnal emission after another…

But it didn’t take long for things to transpire and it all went awry! Before you knew it… I got the ol’ Dear John Letter…

"Dear JohnI don't know quite how to tell you this, but… our romance is over!  I think I first knew it while ‘yaffling’ your best friend’s Yogurt Cannon in the car after a date and a movie!! I'm sure you're man enough to see how miserable I've been and the back seat of your Datsun sucks!!  I’m returning your love letters and want you to know I’ll be a lot better off without you… as a matter of fact… I never really loved you… I’m sending you a tape of Sam Kenison’s ‘Wild Thing’ for you to remember me by!!!”

Eat your heart out,

'Your now Ex-Girlfriend’

But not all ‘Crackerjacks’ are so fortunate…

On my first ship, the ‘Baglady’ we had a fella down in Ops we’ll call Derek… muscle bound, cocky, thought he owned the gaudamn place! Derek had a gal’ out in Las Vegas who had a set of knockers that couldn’t go unnoticed!! She’d write him letters like…

"I miss you so much… If you were here, I would ride the …"

We’d all get worked up… but predictably she got tired of waiting and ended up letting some other fella paste her winking eye shut… if you know what I mean!!!

He ended up drunk in every liberty port and often spoke of suicide… it never happened but it left a bitter taste in his mouth and he inevitably did something stupid that got him kicked off the boat… You just never know the effect it can have on a young fella!!!

When I left the Baglady I went to CIWS school and a fella in class had married his hometown sweetheart from up in Oregon!  She wrote memos that read like pages torn from a nymphomaniac's memoires!! After two or three letters of read’n what could be more appropriately published in a Hustler Forum and intended for ‘His’ eyes only but read aloud to a devoted fan club for a theatrical speech at each installment... She finally sent him a lustful letter of how she’d been letting the neighbor’s son part her like the ‘Red Sea’ until she called him ‘Moses!!!’

Needless to say… he wasn’t a happy camper…

Then there’s my old time buddy off of the ol’ Chucky ‘V’ I recently ran into…

His first wife had left him while on deployment after hooking up with a bowling pro… We used to make wise cracks of how she liked the way he’d hold her like a bowling ball … One in the pink & one in the stink!!!

But when it came to relationships this fella could fall in a barrel of titties and come out sucking his thumb… He got married a second time and damned near the same story!! He’s married again and I gotta figure the third time is gonna be a charm!! At least he’s retired now and not away from home long enough for the neighbor to come over so he can spend time bang’n the ol’ screen door!!!

Then there was the fella who’d sent his wife back to their hometown while the ship was on Westpac and they’d had a long marriage of fidelity with a couple of kids… but wouldn’t you know it… While he was gone, she decided she was to become a Vagitarian after she met a Lickalotopus she went to High School with! I mean, how do you compete with that?!?! You go on Deployment and your wife decides to Air the ol’ Orchid with a female ‘Carpet Munching Rug Doctor’…

"Chief, I knew something was wrong when I’d go for the honeypot and there was no honey… I was dry docked like a son-of-a-bitch!!!”

At least their divorce was amicable and the kids weren’t horribly effected!!!

Then there was the fella who worked for me on the ‘Mighty Momsen!’ He said his wife was a well-meaning sweet young thing whose panties had passed her knees in numerous backseat convertibles several hundred times before he married her… she gave him herpes after messing around during Westpac…  Her meat curtains were so worn out they had holes in them…

"Chief, She was running around like a blind dog in a meat house!”

Every time he’d call her she was out fish’n… for Trouser trout!! He said he’d be afraid to go back to that gal cause she was like a box of assorted creams… a ‘Municipal Cock Wash’ he called her!!!

Yes… when a ‘Crackerjack is deployed overseas far from home it’s pretty traumatic to get that obligatory ‘Dear John’ letter… it clouds his judgment and makes it hard to focus on the mission… but it happens to the best of us!!

So I leave you with a ‘Dear John’ letter from a supposed ‘AA’ meeting written by a fella who’d got drunk one too many times after his experience…

Dear Johnnie Walker,

“There is so much about our stint together that I’m thankful for, but sadly, the time has come for us to go our separate ways. I wish I could say we’ll still be friends, but it’s just too dangerous for me!”

P.S. Trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you.

Good-bye forever,
‘Drunken Sailor’