Thursday, January 26, 2017

‘When The Chief Says’

A hazy circle round the sun or moon… Life jackets are not to be worn as a makeshift hat and I don’t give a guaddamned if yours blew overboard, that’s not my problem!
- - -
Stars to ye right, tie the jib tight. Stars to ye left… we’re not paying you to sit out here and look at the gauddamned stars all night, OK?
- - -
When swells roll steady from east to west… everyone on this boat is responsible for cleaning up their own puke, absolutely no exceptions!
- - -
A pod of dolphins at your bow… Don’t everyone rush to the front at the same time please, it’s fucking dangerous!
- - -
Evening red and morning grey… The next son-of-a-bitch who fires a flare because they “want to see how it looks” is staying on the boat when we dock in Phuket, is that clear?
- - -
If the wind bears the scent of lavender afore noon… Grab a plunger and meet me in the crew shitters in ten minutes!
- - -
Yellow sky at night… Why, Why, Why would you start a fight with the ship’s cook, the one guy on this boat with access to knives?
- - -
Should a mob of gulls follow your mast… I thought I told you morons to stop feeding the fucking seagulls!
- - -
Dense fog arriving swiftly at dawn… No one on this boat wants to hear you singing Bob Marley songs in your bunk every night so cut that shit out!
- - -
Awake to dew still fresh on the grass… You got drunk and passed out in port again and the boat is definitely gone!
- - -
Should a crow released be flying dead straight…  Just follow the son-of-a-bitch, alright?!?
- - -
Clouds in the shape of a buxom young lass… That’s inappropriate and we absolutely will not tolerate any fucking environment that is hostile towards the ‘split tails,’ I mean the women on this ship!
- - -
Orange sky at morning.. Are you absolutely fucking sure it’s not red? Completely, positively, 100% certain?  That looks pretty gauddamned red to me. If it’s actually red and this shit gets real, your ass is mine!!!

And that is how the Chief Says to Blow the Man Down!!!

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

'One Thousand Dollars To Any Man Who Can...'

“One Thousand Dollars To Any Man Who Can Make Love To One Of Our Girls Ten Times in Succession!”

… Read the sign on the wall of the brothel!  A sailor who had just returned from ten months at sea decided to accept such a challenge!! Picking himself a particularly appetizing, pleasantly plump brunette as a partner, he started strong but began to falter after the seventh performance!!!

When the somewhat sated seaman asked the girl what the count was, she said…

“That’s Five times Mr. Sailor Boy!”

Realizing the girl was lying to keep him from winning the wager he became furious and refused to continue until he was given an honest count! At that point the house madam entered to investigate the shouts of the outrage!! She managed to soothe the young sailor by agreeing that he must be satisfied with the scoring!!!

“There is only one way to settle this dear! We’ll simply start the count over from the beginning!”

Monday, January 23, 2017

'A Sailor's New Watch'

A Navy Sailor walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks…

"Is your date running late?"


… he replies…

"I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was
just testing it."

The intrigued woman asks…

"A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Sailor explains…

"It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady asks…

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties!"

The woman giggles and replies…

"Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Sailor smirks, taps his watch and says…

"Damn thing's an hour fast."

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

'Those Were The Days'

Here is another one sent to ‘Dan the Navy man’ and his Internet Bullshit Show… I hope you enjoy this ‘No Shitter!!!’

How many of you old crotchety bastards remember coming out of Bootcamp in the late Sixties?!? It was the Vietnam era in the middle of summer, hot and sweltering!! We’d do anything to get out of the sun and into some cool shade!!!

Well as the story goes and it got better after a few beers...  One of our shipmates was a bit stir crazy after eight weeks of Bootcamp and ready to hit the town! It was 1970 and straight out of ‘RTC’ we didn’t have a whole lot of Somalians between the lot of us!! So one of our shipmates, we’ll call him Jimmy, said he was gonna jump up on the table in the first Go-Go bar we go into and drop his drawers and start yelling “BINGO” at the top of my lungs!!!

Needless to say it never happened! We never found a Go-Go bar and Jimmy probably didn’t have the balls…

About a few hours or two into our liberty we were about fifteen to twenty Squidly-Do-Rights heading into a seedy theater to watch a movie! The movie was called ‘The Stewardesses’ and was in 3-D...complete with 3-D glasses at the entrance to the theater!! It was kind of a big deal back then… especially since it was out of the sun and air conditioned!!!

We all sat together in the middle of the theater as the movie started out with a gal knocking on an apartment door! No answer, but the door was unlocked so she walked in down a hall!! By now you could hear the sounds of heavy breathing and assorted other sounds associated with sexual conduct!!!

She rounds a corner and with the aid of the 3-D glasses another lady's legs come right through the screen at you and you see a man’s ass and summer whites, Dixie Cup and all going up and down in full ‘operational mode’ and just as the Crackerjack gets his cookies off ol' Jimmy jumps up and out of his seat yelling at the top of his lungs...


… And the rest of us just freaking erupted in laughter! We hooted & hollered and pounded on our chests like a bunch of dumb bastards but we were having the best of times!! I do believe the management or somebody came down demanding we mind our manners!!!

So later the movie ends and we're all outside waiting for the transit bus to take us back to the base! Pretty soon our ride shows up with all of two people onboard… the bus driver and a lone decent looking young lady!!!

I please allow me to explain… The driver sits where all drivers do with the first few seats behind him facing inboard! With fifteen to twenty Squidly-Do-Rights coming aboard, is where the little Miss was seated!! You could imagine the thoughts going through most of our heads!!!

So with the young lady in question seated where she was and being the good Sailors we were, we filled in every seat around her and began the salutations, flirtations and the pick-up lines! Now there was one particular fella who thought his shit didn’t stink and he assumed he was God’s gift to women… let alone the rest of the human race!! I just happened to be sitting directly across from him and get a pretty good picture of everything that was happening as it took place!!!

So the bus heads off and right away Mr. God’s gift starts running his mouth trying every corny pick-up line I’d ever heard and then some! Meanwhile she’s doing her damnedest to ignore any and everything any of us had to say!! I mean he was using every line, lame or otherwise he could think of to get her to bite the hook and he wasn’t gonna give up!!!

Bear in mind, we’re all Crackerjack Sailors in a Sailor’n Town with the high & tight haircuts and the whole bit!!!

So eventually after several minutes continually bombarding this lil’ thing with bullshit and desperation…

“So do you know who we are?”

… somehow thinking this was going to impress the little gal that we’re all Navy Crackerjack Sailors, Defenders of the free world and adventurers of the High Seas!! She finally turns to face him and says in very matter of fact voice…

“Why yes I do! I work with guys like you every day!”

To which he brightens up thinking he’s finally gotten somewhere with her! He then asks…

“Oh really… So where do you work?”

… To which she quickly and clearly replies for all of us to hear...

I work at the State Mental Hospital!”

… And promptly turns back and faces where she was prior to the little conversation!! We all just busted out laughing like it was no one’s business!!!

After nearly Fifty years I can still remember it like yesterday! It was too gauddamned funny!! It gave us all a chance to let out some uncontrolled and tear filled laughter!!!