Wednesday, June 27, 2012

'The Plan'

In the beginning was the plan.

And then came the assumptions.

And the assumptions were without form.

And the plan was completely without substance.

And the darkness was upon the face of the bottom feeding ‘Crackerjacks’...

And they spoke amongst themselves saying:“It is a crock of shit and it stinks."

And so the ‘Crackerjacks’ went unto their Leading Petty Officer, saying "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."

And so the Leading Petty Officer went unto the Chief, saying "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong; such that none may abide it."

And so the Chief went unto the Division Officer, saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength"

And so the Division Officer went unto the Department Head, saying "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."

And so the Department Head went unto the Executive Officer saying, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And so the Executive Officer went unto the Skipper, saying "The new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this organization and these areas in particular…"

 And so the Skipper looked upon the plan and saw that it was good.

And so the plan became policy!!!

And so is the way in this Politically Correct World…

This my friends is how shit happens!!!

'The Reward of 72 Virgin-ians'

The Reward of 72 Virgin-ians: Its Important to Listen!

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceived?"

Patrick Herny then approached and punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jerrerson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.

The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Manroe came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.

"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.

"Come on Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven."

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A Lesson in Naval Logistics

On 23 August 1779, the USS Constitution set sail from Boston, loaded with 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of water, 74,000 cannon shot, 115,000 pounds of black powder and 79,000 gallons of rum.

Her mission: to destroy and harass English Shipping

On 6 October, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour and 688,300 gallons of rum. Three weeks later, Constitution reached the Azores, where she provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England where her crew captured and scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took aboard rum.

By this time, Constitution had run out of shot. Nevertheless, she made her way unarmed up the Firth of Clyde for a night raid. Here, her landing party captured a whiskey distillery, transferred 13,000 gallons aboard and headed for home.

On 20 February 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, and no whiskey.

She did, however, still carry her crew of 475 officers and men and 18,600 gallons of water. The math is quite enlightening:

Length of cruise: 181 days

Booze consumption: 1.26 gallons per man per day

(this DOES NOT include the unknown quantity of rum captured from the 12 English merchant vessels in November).

Naval historians note that the reenlistment rate from this cruise was 92%.


Don't load up with too much water.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

This was from the Baglady of WWII... same name different ship from my first!!!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Twas Da Nite of Da Poon Shoot

A fellow Firecontrolman from Facebook let me borrow this one about a Missile Shoot!!! Hope you all enjoy:   

Twas Da Nite of Da ‘Poon shoot,

And all thru Combat,

Not a watchstander was sleeping.

Not even way in the back.

The OS’s all manned their consoles with care,

Hoping that “ol Stormin wouldn’t come over there,

The officers all shook their heads in dread,

All hoping that if this doesn’t go right, Norman wouldn’t shoot them dead.

We had Johnny on SP phones, watching the dials,

Two minutes and holding, it’s been that way for a while,

Then suddenly they get the word over the wire,

The range is green; you may go ‘head and fire.

OS2 Kennedy powered up the bird that was in cell eight,

Now in ten minutes it will all be too late,

The FCO, LT Williams, a virgin TAO,

Looked at the Captain and said “Sir we’re ready to go”.

The Captain then looked him square in the eye,

“You mess this up, and I’ll see that you fry”,

Batteries released, let her rip, get that bird in the air he snorted,

Kennedy turned the key and the firing squib shorted.

There came a whine, that was so faint to the ear,

We in Harpoon knew that destruction was near,­­

The bird lit off and left with a racket,

The bridge watchstanders all ducked and dogged the hatches.

“The bird is away” I said with you know what in my hand,

In five minutes you can say “scratch one EX-Navy tin can”,

The bird flew east with a chase plane now far behind,

USS Hewes fired too, down the same bearing line.

Four minutes into flight, the Hewes bird went astray,

It started to circle and come back our way,

Destroy Hewes missile, the order went out,

CIWS to auto, stand clear of the mounts.

The pilot in the chase plane, made a textbook close pass,

He radioed Splash Alpha, Dale your birds in the drink,

In all the confusion, I splashed the wrong one I think.

And then he said, “I splashed the right one this time”

Bingo to base, it’s Miller time.

While back on the Dale, we heard such a clatter,

Stormin Norman’s in combat to see what’s the matter,

“Get the out my way” was the first the first thing he said,

The next was “OP’s start praying I’ll soon have your head”.

The CHENG was shivering ‘cause it suddenly got cold,

And then he said, “My Snipes didn’t drop the load”,

WEPS with a check sheet that hadn’t expired,

He said “My PMS was SAT, long before you fired”.

OP’s said “Captain, I swear it wasn’t my fault”,

It was the pilot, he splashed the bird that you bought,

Let go of my throat, please don’t make me holler,

It’s just one bird, what’s a million dollars?

A few hours later, a message came in from COMCRUDESGRU TWO,

It said, NORM, calm down I saw what happened too,

The pilot that splashed the bird that you fired,

Will be manning a desk until the day he retires.

The morrow of this story is not about my wit,

It’s just that Stormin Normin don’t take no (Well, you know)