" Bell Bottom Bill "

 An old cartoon found in the ‘Don Winslow of the Navy’ comic book series. Click on the image to see them in full. I hope you enjoy them…

( Fin )

" Them Shoes "

 

A sailor is walking along the street, wearing different colored shoes - one's black, and the other one's brown. A Shore Patrol officer stops him and says: "Sailor, you are out of uniform! Go home and change your shoes."

"I can't, Petty Officer," says the sailor, "the ones I've got at home are just like the ones I'm wearing."

 

" Rat Guards "

 

Does anyone out there remember securing the mooring lines when pulling in? Some idiot on the lower end of the ship’s social structure would be fed a pile of manure about rats under the pier the size of a Maine Coon.

“They’re big nasty sons-a-bitches. They’ll take a bite out of you if they’re hungry enough.”

Or the best one yet …

"Which one of you little mother fuckers frapped the mooring lines without the rat guards?"

They’d try to have you shimmy down the line frapping two rat guards to keep those big sons-a-bitches from jumping over while they had a heaving line tied to your waste. What’s a rat guard you ask? They were those sheet metal cones we put over the lines after doubling them up that looked like Chinese coolie hats. If you were really good you could tie the lines like puppet strings and make them dance.

Hell, there was nothing to stop them there rats from crawling up the bottom of the brow.  Bored on the Quarterdeck midwatch it would have made good use of an issued .45 to take out those nasty desperados as they did the Cha-Cha up and down the pier.  You’d see a few a time or two … especially in overseas ports. It would’ve been one hell of a target practice if you didn’t have to account for all the root’n, toot’n, and shoot’n going on. I can see it now standing in front of the old man …

“But you shoulda seen it, sir! That rat was the size of a Rottweiler, with blood-red eyes and foaming at the mouth!”

“Well son, you must not be a very good shot because we didn’t find any dead King Kong-sized rats lying on the pier this morning.”

“Oh, I gave it my best shot skipper, but that son-of-a-bitch did a corkscrew turned into a full gainer into the water. I must’ve scared him off because I never saw him again.”

“Son, did your mother turn out a slew of idiots, or are you the only one?”

If you can imagine it, it’s probably happened.  I would love to be a fly on the wall at that skippy’s mast. I know these classic tales fall into the realm of relative bearing grease and the ol’ BT punch! But, we were dumb and naïve at times. Usually, the better of a Commissioned Officer or some old Salty Chief would put a stop to such nonsense just before it got too out of hand.  

But hey!  It was a long time ago. We were young dumb, and full of vigor! It was over thirty years ago. At the golden age of our youth, we were as green as they came. I'd go back and do it again in a heartbeat! 

 

" The Follow-up "

 

After the follow-up from his previous long-arm inspection, the sexually active Seaman waited in the doctor's office for negative results. The Doctor said…

"I have good news and bad news for you."

"The way I feel, please give me the good news first!"

"The good news is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam."

"Great! What is the bad news?"

 

"It's malignant!!!"  

" Another Bawdy Ballad "

Another bawdy ballad from the book of “Bawdy Ballads.” I hope you enjoy…

When I was young and foolish,

I sued to take delight.

Attending balls and dances,

And staying out at night.

 

‘Twas at a ball I met him.

He made me dance.

I knew he was a sailor,

By the buttons on his pants.

 

His shoes were neatly polished,

His hair was neatly combed.

And when the dance was over,

He asked to take me home.

 

As we walked home together,

I heard the people say,

“There goes another girlie

That’s being led astray.”

 

‘Twas on my father’s doorstep,

That I was led astray.

‘Twas in my mother’s bedroom

That I was forced to lay.

 

He laid me down so gently,

He raised my dresses high.

He said, “Now, Maggie, darling,

Take it now or die.

 

“Here’s half a dollar

For the damage I have done.

For soon you will have children,

A daughter or a son.

 

“If it is a daughter,

Take her on your knee,

But if it is a son, then

Sen him out to sea.

 

“I hope next time I see you

That you’ll remember me,

And thank God for the blessing

That I have brought to thee.”

" Drunk & Disorderly "

 

A sailor wakes up one morning with the worst hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table. He looks around the room to find his uniform neatly folded on the dresser with clean skivvies on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note that says…

“Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.”

Downstairs, he finds his favorite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ, and freshly brewed coffee waiting for him, along with the morning paper, and his 15-year-old son who is finishing his own breakfast.

“Tell me, son,” he asks, “what happened last night?”’

“Well, you came home so drunk you didn’t even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when mom tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.”

“Christ!” says the sailor. “Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?”

“When mom dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your pants off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, ‘Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I’m married!’” 

" More Crazy Navy Cartoons "

 Some new toons for your enjoyment …

( Fin )

" G.A.S.H. "

 

A sailor returns from liberty feeling very ill. He goes to medical who soon has the ship’s Medical Officer at his beck and call. After completing a series of tests the sailor passes out and awakes sometime later in an isolated room with a speaker squawking at him next to the headboard of his bed…

“We’ve received the results back from your tests. We have found that you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H., which is a combination of gonorrhea, AIDs, syphilis, and herpes. 

“Oh my GOD! What am I to do?”

“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”

“Will that actually cure me?”

“Well no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

 

" Pinups March 2024 "

 Here’s a nice collection of Hot Rod pinups representing our nautical babes of the day. I hope this kicks off your March with some taste. Enjoy …

( Fin )