Saturday, July 18, 2015

‘When Confidence Conquers All’

In an earlier yarn I’d written the details how every division, department & ship had its own adornment known as the Shitbird! On the ‘Baglady’ of course we had our own!! There was a fella named Morrison who was 2nd Division’s own inclusion of flightless poultry!!

Now Morrison was one of a kind to say the least! To some he was referred to as the Pizza Boy as his face looked like a red moon pocked with craters!! He could have donated his face to science fiction… with his big coke bottle glasses larger than life!!!

Morrison took a lot of ribbing… once a shipmate woke him up just to tell him how ugly he was! But it never bothered him!! Only fella on board uglier than him was a Second Class Bos’n Mate who looked like Freddy Kruger… scar face and all!!!

But that was Morrison! He had a level of conscious immunity that made him impermeable to snake bite venom!! Perfectly content to look like a leper, he wasn’t going to apologize for his looks!! I got to give him kudos as he exuberated self-assurance for no gauddamned apparent reason at all!!!

But what made ol’ Morrison the ‘Divisional Shitbird’ was how chaos always seemed to follow not far behind!  The young fella had just checked onboard and decided to ride his motorcycle alone down south to you guessed it, Tijuana!! His most prized possession, a most thunderous of motorized codpieces, obviously didn’t make it on his track back this side of the boarder!!!

I mean what could go wrong?!? How in all likelihood could he expect his bike to get vandalized or stolen??? Instead of reading the sign that said…

‘Stop Here, Do Not Proceed’

… all he saw was…

‘Hola Y Bienvenidos A Mexico!’

After returning from a three day weekend he was all butthurt! His big black bike had been hijacked!! He must be the only fella I know who could go to Tijuana on his V-Twin and not expect it to get ripped off!!!

Then he had to face the infernal and irremediable of new shipmates when he got back!

“What a Dumbass!”

“You’re lucky you didn’t get shanghaied or dragged in a dark alley and ass raped by a bunch of Mexican Banditos!”

What a first impression to the new clubhouse… hiking back broke with no transportation!  He said he’d contacted the Mexican authorities… but neglected to tell them he was a US Navy Crackerjack!! I suppose he realized he was in no position as a lone gringo to ask too many probing questions that might get him locked up in the worst place imaginable, with Juan ‘The Revolver’ Reynaldo in the Mexican Slammer!!!

Just imagine…

“I’m in the US Navy!”

“Okay... You know what? Sixteen days in jail, or One Hundred American Dineros!”

… yeah, he would’a been somebody’s bitch real quick like!!!

But Morrison didn’t care much for good advice as he’d been in the fleet well over a month sport’n his new-fangled photography camera… probably picked up from one of them two bit camera salesmen they warned us about in Great Mistakes! He was one of them ‘know-it-all types relentlessly reminding everyone within earshot just how smart he was!! He managed a quick fix during a gun shoot with, I kid you not, chewing gum foil to get us through a gun shoot if memory serves me proper!! Dumb kind of McGyver luck if you ask me, always a mixed bag of overconfidence and horse pucky!!!

Then there was his moment of dramatic flair during night flight ops while perched on top of the helo hangar with that newly fandangled camera of his! While the ship was busy positioning itself just right and the helo was coming in for a landing, the pilot delayed his touchdown and reported that someone was strobing the cockpit from atop the helo hangar!! The pilot stated they were temporarily blinded and disoriented as his helo bounced around in the air as they evacuated to regain good visual for landing!!!

“It was like a disco ball bouncing around inside the cabin!”

… I remember one of the aircrew saying…

“It was one of those situations where it was impossible to focus on the instrument panel in such a crucial moment of control with the glide scope indicator!”

And boy-O-boy was Morrison happier than a pig in shit before the Skipper found him… he thought he’d photo’d prize winning images for the next cruise book… but was he in for a shocker!!!

Needless to say he got quite the ass chewing up and down the ‘COC’ for that little fiasco! That’s the only time I’d ever heard a Skipper call someone a ‘Fucktard’!! I figure he just forgot where he was at and what he was doing… kind’a like walking into the lady’s room at the bar by accident… you didn’t mean anything by it… just weren’t pay’n attention I figure!!!

Yeah, I suppose he did ponder the unfairness of life, a phenomenon that always takes us by surprise as a young’n, but he didn’t stay down for long! When 2nd Division got called up to send the next available bastard down to the galley for Mess Crank duty, Morrison was the obvious choice!! Now realizing he had a face full of acne oozing oily red and angry… it didn’t take long for a silly ass medical waiver to cross Chief’s desk and force him to find someone else to take his place!

“We need you to send someone down with less volcanic lava weeping from their pores!”

The fella’s acne was like a red traffic light that never changed colors… just red, red, and redder! I swear if I had a dog as ugly as him I’d shave its butt and make it walk backwards!! And you guessed it… I got to go in his stead!! In hindsight it weren’t so bad… I only had to serve the rest of his sentence which amounted to three weeks off… but there was hell to pay mess crank’n in the PI and all that humidity, San Migoo & Pussy too!! Makes showing up at 0430 hours in the morn pretty gauddarned harsh!!!

Then there was that time I was downtown with Luke, Pat & Morrison! Luke worked in the ship’s office and Pat was the resident electrician onboard!! They were all in the ship’s band… Morrison was a pretty good Guitar player I have to admit!! We’d hangout together in different parts of town… Patrick’s, Billy Bones in Pacific Beach, The Kasbah down by the airport!!!

On this particular night we all met up at a place called Hot Rocks, a retro fifties bar across from Horton Plaza, while swapping sea stories and lies... or something that didn’t equal the truth!  As it was I suppose it was just a part of life!! You see, reality and prison have one thing in common, those who can escape… often do!!!

So there we were acting the typical Crackerjack Sailor types we were making lewd comments to anyone who would listen and trying out all the cheesy pick-up lines! Then in walked a perfect group of cougar like MILFs!! Yeah, I don’t hear none of you reading these tales calling yourselves Squidly-Do-Right!! You know what a MILF is!!!

So there we were in our unremitting ooze of idiocy where everything that could go wrong did…

“Check her out! How’d you like to wake up next to that in the morning?”

“I’ll bet I can get one of those gals to take me home!”

“Yeah, in your dreams!”

… Luke shoots first, Strike One! I go next, Strike Two! Pat shouts out his best one liner, Out for the count!! Fortunately we Crackerjacks are never the jerks, dickheads, drunks, womanizers, or stupid bastards when dealing with the more elegant types!! Full of dangerous hormones the notion we evolved from monkeys and apes gains credibility… yet I’d expect it wasn’t a large leap forward for mankind!!!

“But hey, what about Morrison?”

“I got this fellas… no problem!”

“Yeah right, you’re as ugly as the top end of a buffalo… they ain’t gonna be interested in you!”

“Watch and learn…!”

Morrison couldn’t give a rats ass… he walked right up and laid it on the line! To this day I don’t know what sweet nothings he whispered in one of the ladies ears, I’m sure…

“I’m Horny how about you!”

… wasn’t what got her attention! Whatever it was she wasn’t opposed to him! And whatever it was it got our attention as he was the ugliest son-of-a-bitch in the bar, yet he had the most game!! He lit up a cigarette and continued to butter her muffin!! The next thing we knew, the kid was going home with the lady!!!

Apparently they drove to a motel and he came back the next day with one hell of a story to tell!

“Yep… she’s somewhat like a Westpac Widow but not really!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Her husband is a Commander who works at Balboa Hospital and he’s always gone and never gives her the attention she needs… so I’m her boy toy until we leave on deployment!”

 "So you hooked yourself an Officer’s Wife… be careful of that shit!”

“Don’t worry, her husband will never find out!”

 That son-of-a-bitch really did it… and he was so damned full of himself! Hell who could blame him… a real hottie who bent over the first night for him!! I have to admit I never thought he had it in him!!!

 His little love affair went on all summer before we got underway! Finally just before leaving they gave their goodbyes!! But not before she left him with one hell of a going away present!!!

 The son-of-a-bitch rolled up on the Quay wall with one hell of a nice shiny Harley Davidson Motorcycle! Obviously everyone wondered how a young Third Class Petty Officer could afford such a thing!!

 "Things were looking up between her and her husband and this is how she said goodbye!”

 Ain’t that some shit!?! One of the ugliest bastards on the planet and he gets the girl and the treasures to go with it!!!

Over the years we bumped into one another here and there and downed suds with many the same idiots, derelicts, and madmen… but Morrison was a story in his own right! I learned a valuable lesson through it all… you can’t always judge a book by its cover!! And I gained a whole new kind of respect for the ugly sumbitch realizing confidence trumps all else on the surface… with confidence you can just about conquer all!!!

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

'The Barrel'

An old Navy Ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of sailors! They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do!!!


One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some entertainment for the men!! He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck! It has an orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content!!!


Soon a full-fledged hedonistic orgy is underway! The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted!! Things reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go!!!


Once the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is bunged up and thrown overboard! Then the ship sails away!! A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a deserted island in the middle of nowhere!! The only inhabitants of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there!!!


The nuns find the barrel and open it! They don't recognize the contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles!! Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way only nuns can!!!


Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear inexplicably on the island! One of the nuns is very guilty about her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession...


"Forgive me, Mother. For I have sinned and now I have had a baby!"


The Mother Superior says…


"That's nothing, my child… I've had puppies!"


Saturday, July 11, 2015

‘Captain Bligh Goes to the Psychiatrist’

As a result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore.

As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain…

"Why don't you start at the beginning?"

The captain sad looks at him and says…


"Okay… In the beginning I created heaven and the earth..."


Wednesday, July 8, 2015

'This Ain't No Fairy Tale...'

Here’s a no shitter for ya… and I swear this ain’t no bullshit! It’s the typical Salty Crackerjack McBrag Sea Story and I got witnesses yes I do!! Are you ready kids?!?

I was once mistaken for a Navy Seal… I shit you not! My ol’ runningmate Shawn Mitchell can attest to this!! Actually he was mistaken for being me as they thought I was a Navy Seal!! Okay… so here’s the story!!!

It was the days of liberty past, and finding the best beer joint in town was on the top of our list! Those were the days when ol’ Crackerjacks had a reputation for being vulgar, foul mouthed and always ready to fight & fornicate but not always in that order!!  We had the sophistication of growing up in a whorehouse… at least that’s where you found half the buggers!!!

And when it was time to secure from work, school or whatever environment we were caught up in, we’d spend a good fifteen minutes realigning our hair follicles, splash’n on the ol’ foo foo juice and head out to a place where the women danced and frolicked for money to the cost of suds out of the communal pitcher!  While in ‘CIWS’ school Pure Platinum’s Dirty Dan’s was our corporate headquarters for pay’n the Devil’s Due as we spent most of our Wednesday evenings there!! Hey, don’t judge… you know the main reason Santa’s so jolly is he knows where all the bad girls live… well we knew where they worked!!!

Now on this specified Wednesday evening it was just Ronny Raines and myself… can’t remember what kept everyone else cooped up but we went it alone on this particular night! Ronnie’s intelligence level or lack thereof approximated mine and we went off like two half loaded idiots in search of adventure and something soft and sweet smelling to hand a few crisp green dollars bills too!! We had a particular favorite little sprite named Tess with big bosoms and quite the turd chopper if you know what I mean!!!

We strolled into the lounge and took our seats as Tess came running over happy as a clam at high tide just to see us walk through the door! It was later in the evening when all the drunks and regulars would come to watch her bend over and show off the ballast of her twin tanks!! She had the personality of a wet sponge but she was also well endowed with humongous torpedo like breastesses!!!

As the night continued on and we had a few conversations with our favorite entertainer, a couple of them ‘Hey, ya’ll come over and watch this shit’ kind of fellas wandered through the door and took a seat right next to us! We could tell by look’n they were up to no good… notoriously dumber than turnips I gather!! But they took a gander at Tess and of course she had to make a living so she obliged!!!

Now you figure these special tables specifically made for table dancing were all shoved pretty close together… too close I’d imagine! Tess got up on the center platform of their table which is recessed from the rest of the table and gave her charity performance!! As she did her little ‘turn on the catwalk’ rollick we of course took noticed and smiled up at her from the next table…

“If you wanna watch you’re gonna have to pay!”

… said one of the idiot bastards!!!

Since I wasn’t looking for any unscheduled dental work and this fella looked like a guy who would argue with a signpost, I just turned around and minded my own business! A few moments pass and as Tess became more adventurous with her choreography, her hair was brushing up against the back of my neck and shoulders… so I turned my head and gave her a smile…

“I said if you wanna watch you gotta pay for it… this shit ain’t cheap!”

“Whatever man!”

… and I turned back around and sucked down my beer!

About that time Tess’s jig was up and I headed to the pisser to drain the ol’ dragon so to speak! As I’m straddling over the urinal next to some other fella, in comes Mr. ‘You’re gonna have to pay’ and bumps into me just as I’m about to piss!! Then he makes a u-turn at the end of the bathroom and bumps me again before he heads out the door!!!

“What the fuck is his problem?”

… said the other fella doing his business!

“Not sure, I reckon he needs the rough end of a pineapple shoved up his ass!”

…we both laughed!!

I headed back out to my table purposely trying to avoid this fella as I wasn’t necessarily looking for a fight and he sticks his leg out to try and trip me! I said…

“What is your fucking problem dude?!?”

… as he was plainly a mean spirited nickel plated son-of-a-bitch!!

“I ain’t got a problem but you will when I stick my foot up your ass so hard your mother feels it!”

“You’d have an easier time shoving a toothpick up a bears ass than mess with me!”

Now, like boys in their James Dean phase, there’s always shit talking and plenty of dick swinging before there’s a fight, especially where alcohol and nekkit ladies are involved!

“If I wanted lip service from you I’d pull out my cock!”

“What are you queer? That makes as much sense as lug nuts on a birthday cake!”

“You calling me a queer?”

“Hmmm… Yeah, I gathered you come here for the fashion sense ‘cause I figure you’ve got a few tu-tus in your closet with the most darling feather boas to go along…”

… He gets angrier…

“Take your pathetic excuse for a penis and your tight asshole outside, before I rape you so hard, you’ll be in a wheel chair for the rest of your life!”

… or something along those lines, so I retort…

“Apparently you have an affinity for saying dumb shit you don’t even understand… but if you wanna go outside, we’ll go!”

… and I headed for the door!

“I ain’t gonna waste my time!”

… He said! Then his buddy stood up…

“Hell, I’ll take you on!”

… And we both headed out for the parking lot!!!

Now I’m no idiot and I’d learned that sometimes it’s better to diffuse the situation than to end up fist-a-cuffs at the end of the night! But sometimes there ain’t no way to walk away without gett’n jumped or just standing their gett’n your ass kicked!!!

“I’m gonna rip off your scalp and eat cornflakes out your skull!”

“Yeah, I thank God you’re threatening me as this will surely cure yet another night of boredom!”

… And it was at that split second he clinched his fists and I realized talking my way out was gonna be like nailing Jello to the wall! We slung each other shit and then I took my shot as I raised my foot like I was gonna kick and he lunged to block it leaving his face wide open!! At that point I was on him like a pack of dogs on a three legged cat!!!

Yep, he fell ass over tin cup! The bouncers ran up and pulled me off pushing me towards the club door while pushing him back out into the parking lot!! It was obvious he’d taken a good ass whoop’n!!!

“Sir, I know you didn’t start this altercation but since you were involved I cannot let you back into the club as that is our policy, but you’re welcome to come back tomorrow!”

… Said the doorman!

I gave a nod in agreement as I understood my situational awareness as both Raines and the original ‘Ass Clown’ came running out!  Raines and I both headed towards the car and just as we’re opening the doors both of these clowns came strutt’n on up!! These two dull witted rednecks must’ve ripened in the bumpkin patch a little too late and just didn’t know when to quit!!!

“You two are like a couple of canker sores that just won’t go away!”

They had this hermetic impermeability not to reason, and their apparent relentless anger was mind boggling… guess they didn’t take to kindly to being made into fools! And I’ll bet you can make a pretty good Kentucky-windage guess as to what happened next…

“We’re gonna finish what you done started!”

“Surely you’ve got better things to do then get rolled in the parking lot and end up at the ER!”

… And with that the fight was on!!!

Before either had a chance to respond I throat punched the fella I’d already tussled with then tackled the ‘Alpha’ bozo as I totally lost myself while braining the bastard into the parking lot knocking him senseless!! I was on him like ugly on an ape!! Ain’t diplomacy great?!?

Next thing I knew I was gett’n pulled off again… this time by Raines and the other fella as I turned to him and…

“Calm down man… I don’t wanna fight anymore! We’re done!”

I looked over at the fella pasted to the ground as he strained his way back up and turned around and… ‘OH SHIT’…! I didn’t know rather to scratch my watch or wind my ass!! His forehead was so swollen he looked like he’d been drug through a knot hole ass backwards… the elephant man comes to mind!!!

The next Wednesday came up and we all headed back to Dirty Dan’s!  Not sure if I was gonna catch any shit re-entering the club, I tried to be somewhat inconspicuous!! But apparently the word spread like peanut butter on a hot day, and we didn’t walk in unnoticed!!!

First I thought I was in the clear as we headed for our usual table… then my runningmate, Shawn, sat next to me and said…

“Those bouncers asked me if I was a Navy Seal!”

“Why would they ask you that?”

“Apparently they thought I was the one who kicked the shit outta those two fellas last week! They thought I was you!”

From the physical aspect of it I could certainly understand… I was only Five-Seven and about a buck seventy to match! Shawn stands a little over Six Feet!! I figure one of the bouncers pointed us out to the others and they assumed it was Shawn instead of me!!!

We got a good laugh of it… and once again Tess was glad to see us all together! She was afraid we might not come back!! But I often wonder what happened to those two bozos in life… at best they contributed to the gene pool by withdrawing from it!!!

To me that good ol’ fashioned fist fight was like that feeling you get when your butthole itches… where you just can’t quite scratch it out! But then you let on a huge Whoop-De-Doo Fart… and somehow it seems to take care of the itch all by itself!! One thing I can say about fight’n in a strip club…

“When I was hard I was soft and when I was soft I was hard!”

It don’t get any better than that! Now I can’t get Barnacle Bill outta my head!!!

Sunday, July 5, 2015


I was in the head brushing my teeth when my LPO barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet.

“What are you doing?”

… I asked.

“Hazing the new guy!”

… He said with a grin.

“You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet.”

His reply was quick and to the point…

“You didn’t!!!”