Thursday, September 29, 2016

‘Another Sea Story’

The making of a ‘No Shitter’ doesn’t involve outright lying, but there is a bit of bullshit in the mix!  Being skilled at threading these yarns requires years of apprenticeship under a master seagoing bullshit artist!! I say this because ‘Bullshit’ is the clay from which Sea Stories are formed!!!

The telling of these no shitters requires a refined and cultivated skill set created in places like hole in the wall shit hole bars, taverns, fantails and pier sides where Crackerjacks like to hangout and loiter! And anywhere else really weird folks might call home!! It’s the reason telling sea stories is so much fun… great fun!!!

Telling socially unacceptable accounts of past deeds and lavish escapades of our better days requires an acceptable introduction like ‘This ain’t no shit’ or ‘You ain’t gonna believe this shit’…! And even after all these years, I sometimes have to slip one by on an innocent young’n!! Like this here story I’m about to pass on to you!!!

My wife and I usually spend our Sunday evenings playing darts with some friends and an old shipmate or two at the local watering hole after a fun filled time of Classic Rock Tribute Bands at the Casino! On this one particular occasion, my wife and I were with our typical crowd as we sat next to an unsuspecting group of Squidly Widdlies! We were reminiscing about a concert we had partaken in a few years back and while singing the famous ‘Top Gun’ song ‘Take My Breath Away,’ Terri Nunn of Berlin came off the stage and started running her fingers through my wife’s curly hair!!!

Now I know that seems hard to believe, but that ain’t no shit! Anyhow, a few darts and a shot of Fireball later… my wife heads out the door with her girlfriends to the communal butt kit outside for their collective smoke!! I get up to head out with her when that jingle by ‘Meatloaf’ comes over the Jukebox…’I Would Do Anything For Love!!!’

As I’m getting ready to walk out the door I ambled by a couple of those Squidly Widly Crackerjacks and explained my outlook on this ditty…

“Now this ain’t no shit! You know… many years ago in our better years my wife and I used to get a little dirty in the sack and experiment in different ways! One night we were on the bed… butt nekkit… rubbing each other down with the Baby Oil! So my wife… she bends down and pulls out a Dildo from under the pillow! By God I swear to it… it had ‘Fun Factory Dildo Company’ stamped right on the bottom!”

ol’ boy asks…

“Who the hell ever heard of a Fun Factory Dildo Company?”

… to which I explained…

“You’re missing the point… now listen up here! She pulled out this Dildo and said…

Honey, I want to stick this in your butt!

… and that’s when this song comes to me as I started singing...!”

♪♫*¨*.¸¸ ¸¸.*¨*♫♪“I would Do Anything For Love ♪♫*¨*.¸¸ ¸¸.*¨*♫♪
♪♫*¨*.¸¸ ¸¸.*¨*♫♪But I won’t Do That!” ♪♫*¨*.¸¸ ¸¸.*¨*♫♪

And that’s when the whole damned place broke out in laughter! So I headed out the door to join my wife!! Just as I’m opening the door and walking out, ol’ boy taps on my shoulder and asks…

“So Chief, did she give it to you with the Dildo?”

… to which I retorted to the tune of the song…

♪♫*¨*.¸¸ ¸¸.*¨*♫♪ But I Won’t Do That! ♪♫*¨*.¸¸ ¸¸.*¨*♫♪

All those boys were laughing their asses off! So when the ol’ Lady and I came back in the bar, the fella asked my wife…

“Is it true what the Chief said?”

… To which she exclaimed …

“Oh yeah, if my husband said it, it’s true!” 

She was completely oblivious to the conversation at hand and assumed he was talking about the Berlin Concert! But when she found out… she got a little slap happy and punch crazy!! I ended up with a few bruises and got real comfy like on the sofa-couch that night!!!

Yep, making memories… God gave us that gift to keep us going and it’s something you never have to pay for! Us old Salts know how to tell a good No Shitter every now and again!! Hey, if we don’t tell it like it is… who’s gonna come up with all that insane garbage anyway?!?

Friday, September 23, 2016

'Admiral Glass'

I was the POOW one fine Navy day when the guy that I relieved received a call that Admiral Glass was coming to visit Seaman Lipshitz! He told the OOD about the call and he called the Deck Division Officer to come up to the Quarter Deck!! When we took over the watch we were told to watch for an Admiral coming to the ship, he would be there around 1700 Hours!!!

At 1645 SN Lipshitz showed up in his dress uniform as the CO, XO and the CDO were all standing tall on the fantail waiting! A couple of minutes before 1700 Hours a truck turns onto the pier and stops at our brow!! On the side of his truck was a sign "Admiral Glass"…

The guy was there to change Seaman Lipshitz’ windshield!

Lipshitz knew he was coming but was vacant between the ears when his Division Officer told him that an Admiral was coming to visit! I was able to keep a straight face until they dismissed Lipschitz and the whole group on the fantail lost it!! The catch phrase after that was…

"Keep a keen eye out for Admiral Glass!"

Wednesday, September 21, 2016


While waiting for my physical at the base hospital, I overheard a Chief Warrant Officer try unsuccessfully to get the medical personnel to issue him new eyeglasses without an appointment! Just then, a Rear Admiral came into the room, and the Chief Warrant snapped sharply to attention, greeting him…

"Good morning, Captain!"


… the general replied …

"If you can't tell an Admiral from a Captain, you better get some glasses!"

And just like that, the Chief Warrant didn't have to wait another minute for an appointment…

Monday, September 19, 2016

'The Art Of Manliness'

Any of you old bastards remember when all of the smoke belching seagoing tin cans had the kind of artwork on hatches, bulkheads and water tight doors that would make your Granny turn in her grave?!? Hell, I remember murals showing bare bosomed mermaids and stuff that made you fear the Crackerjack in faraway places!! From Genuine Old Fashioned Pin up art to angry Denizens of the Deep, we had quite a collection of artwork over the years!!!

These masterpieces of work were a lighthearted representation of Workcenters, Divisions & Departments throughout the ship! Anything from El Diablo to the skimpy laced Buxom Blonde was acceptable in those days!! We had Sea Monsters, Popeye, Sharks, Octopus, and even goofy cartoon characters like Wild E. Coyote and the Road Runner!!! 

Yes, times have changed and some of the old traditions we thought would live forever died along the way! They went with some of the older traditions such as tacking the crow and getting whipped with the Shellback Shillelagh!! They just don’t play those kind of games anymore… for better or worse!!!

After Tailhook and the whole Battleship Iowa fiasco a few years back… the ol’ Canoe club hopped onboard with this ‘Kinder Gentler’ woof-woof! Force Commanders felt that it wasn't nice to tease young boots anymore and that we had to take it easy with Pollywogs and Junior Officers!! No more titties exposed on our Shellback certificates, Disney princesses being ravished by Big Bad Wolves or the Seven Dwarves, and no more Beer Swilling Barnacle Bill types as the whole Gauddamned character assassination came about on the ‘Drunken Sailor’ image!!!

Them were the good ol’ Days I tell you! I don’t give a damned who says it different! We used to have a whore or two in every port until the damned ‘Do Gooders’ came about and decided that cohabitating with the female love merchants selling affection with a little honey was some kind of international sin and made it punishable by law!!  Now you can’t tell the men from the women and the women from the boys in this crazy outfit… How the hell is the Chief supposed to square away his troops when we don’t even know who’s allowed to where a skirt, make up and panty hose!! Just forget we’re anatomically different!!!

Just like Bill Murray said in Ghost Busters…

“Dogs and Cats living together… mass hysteria!” 

Now it’s ‘Drop-The-Soap’ and ‘Transgender Panty Removal Contests!’ It’s a totally different Navy than we joined years ago!! Now you get to play Soapy Shower Pals with your whole Division… and you ain’t got no sexy Mermaids breasts to look at!! Now what are you supposed to do with a 'Drunken Sailor?!?'