Friday, May 22, 2015

'Modern Day Noah’s Ark'

In the year 2015, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America, and said…


"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."


He gave Noah the blueprints, saying…


"You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard.... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.

- I needed a building permit.

- I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

- My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.

- We had to go to VCAT for a decision.

- Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.

- I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem.

- There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.


So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked…


"You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."



Saturday, May 16, 2015

‘Politically Correct Navy’

....based on the new correspondence manual you'll want to be non-gender specific:

Seaman is now seaperson

    Man the rails is now people the rails
  • Man Aloft is now just working aloft
   Mannheim Steamroller is now Personheim Steamrollit

  Manning battle stations is now just populating critical need stations. (Battle has     such strong male connotations...).

The Gangway shall become group causeway so as not to offend the sensibilities of, well, gangs.

 A ship can no longer be referred to as "she." Example: "Look at the lines on that frigate--she really rides well, huh?!"  becomes: "Notice the lines on that vessel--it is very seaworthy isn't it?"

 The reproduction machine will hence be the duplicate purveyor.

 No more breast line.

PETA has asked that we stop hurting camels during mooring.

 DCPOs will stop using the MHC designation. Now they'll simply be Covers With Lots of Bolts (CWLB)

 No more screwdrivers--regular or special.

 Man Overboard is history. Just say "Someone fell over the side!" Say it loudly and often--make it become second nature. Say it now in your workspace to accustom others to the loud guffaws it brought here.

Mess b-!-t-c-h and mess c-r-a-n-k are no longer correct. Just say Food Service Attendant or Food Utensil Cleanliness Assistant (FUCA). Example:
"Hey FUCA, we're outta milk again!"



Thursday, May 14, 2015

‘Tale of the Bad Fallopian Tube’

Once upon a time, oh sorry, this is a Sea Story not a Fairy Tale! In that case… This is no Bull Shit… 

I served onboard the USS Morton from 1970 to the spring of 1973!  As part of the Precommissioning Crew I made two West Pac deployments on the ol’ gal!! She was my first ship and will forever remain my favorite!!!

I served in OE division as an Electronics Techie and was responsible for maintenance of all the ship's UHF transceivers! Our Electronics Maintenance Officer (EMO) was Ensign Crompton… a very good junior officer to work for, but was after all an Ensign and so deserved all the sneaky underhanded tricks we could play on him!! So if he developed mistrust for his enlisted men, I must accept partial responsibility!!!

On this particular occasion, we had some gear down and awaiting parts! As was his responsibility, ENS Crompton was preparing a CASREP message to CincPacFlt detailing the casualty and the reason for it to remain out of service!! I recall being up to my elbows working another transceiver on the work bench when he entered the shop and asked the All Important question…


"What's wrong with it?"

To which I replied…

"It's got a bad fallopian tube!"

ENS Crompton left to finish his report and I returned to my repairs! A short time later the shop door flies open with an enraged Ensign storming in with boiling blood in his eyes and smoke & brimstone smoldering out his ears… with me in his sights!! When he calmed down long enough to stop questioning my origins and lineage I learned that both the Ops Boss and X.O. had screened the message and allowed him to continue on to the Captain with the infamous Fallopian Tube CASREP!!!

It was a looong time before we got past that one!!!

Sunday, May 10, 2015

‘Authentic Transcript’

GUIDE NOTE: In the Spring of 2001, a Navy EP-3 Intelligence Aircraft made an emergency landing on an airfield in China.

To: George W. Bush
From: National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice

Sir: Team of five experts from "Lockheed Martin" (i.e., three Lockheed Martin, two CIA), arrived Hainan Island to inspect EP-3E surveillance plane. Team managed to recover cockpit voice recorder (CVR) intact. Miracle Chinese did not find as CVR in clear sight on pilot's seat.

Team played CVR. Authentic? Crew voices sound odd; possible stress related. Also mention of New York Yankees. Conclusion: authentic. Transcript follows. Safe to say we now have big problem.

Transcript of Cockpit Voice Recorder aboard EP-3E surveillance plane. Voices of pilot, Lt. Shane Osborn; co-pilot, Lt. Patrick Honeck; co-pilot, Lt. Jeffery Vignery:

OSBORN: Co-pilot Honeck, please to state where are we.

HONECK: Sir, we are fly over South China Sea.

OSBORN: Ah! So we are in violation clearly of sovereign Chinese airspace! Good for our hegemonist purposes!

VIGNERY: Go New York Yankees!

OSBORN: I will bring our illegal flight closer even much to the righteous land of People's Republic! Look you all now. I think I can see the humble domicile residence of the honorable servant of the people Jiang Zemin! We despise him for his goodness!

HONECK: Tell us, my American captain of U.S. EP-3E spy plane travelling in purposeful illegality, is it still of our secret plans to kill the noble protector of China Jiang Zemin and to show disrespect also to all righteous veterans of the People's Glorious Revolution?

OSBORN: Yes of course! We are committed to be dastardly always!

VIGNERY: Go Michael Jordan of Chicago Lakers basketball team!

HONECK: But Wang Zhi Zhi of Dallas team is much superior we concede!

VIGNERY: Yes he will break in all ways all records held by inferior American players of his sport who have not to cringe in terror ever before superior Chinese competitor of great stature Wang Zhi Zhi!

OSBORN: Holding down that chatter you members of sinister crew! See how we are foiled in our evil purposes! It arrives the magnificent and courageous Air Force of the People's Republic of China come to rain on our vile parading!

HONECK: Damn their meddling valiant ways!

VIGNERY: Now are we foiled in our plot to set up offensive-minded missile defense shield for our masters in Taiwan, which is in truth part of China as we know!

HONECK: Go military-industrial complex!

OSBORN: My news is the worse for us yet, crew of foul evildoers. This pilot of this plane pursues us with such skill and vigorousness of purpose and has no intention of performing in a hot-dogging or dangerous manner and so could not possibly make error of which we will wrongly accuse him.

VIGNERY: What shall we do?

OSBORN: I am committed to fly in calculated reckless way into his path!

HONECK: Yes! We must showing reckless disregard for all in our quest take over world domination!

VIGNERY: Go Corporation of Microsoft!

OSBORN: It is done! I have destroyed the faultless aircraft of People's Republic of China and am a hegemonist hero!

HONECK: But damn the torpedoes! See how our cowardly deed has undone us! In our behaving recklessness our plane in clear violation of sovereign Chinese territory is damaged and falling from sky!

VIGNERY: If only our low of quality aircraft were strong and true as those made by the tireless workers of People's Republic of China!

OSBORN: Stop your chatterings! Now move in quick way! Destroy all records of our crimes against citizens of Chinese nation and marvelous leader Jiang Zemin!

HONECK: Also we must have plan for lying to humane and caring interrogators of extraordinary Chinese Army whom all nations should be in fear.

CREW: Yes, we must lie like Imperialist capitalist dogs! It is our nature!

OSBORN: I concur. But let us too hide the voice recorder of the cockpit so none will ever know of our criminal actions taken by us the real crew of the American illegal spying plane of which we are truly the real crew.

HONECK: Yes, this voice recorder of the cockpit is very honest and not a forgery. I the real co-pilot who is Honeck lieutenant will do this hiding now! May the world never know who is in clearly at fault guilty United States!

(tape ends)

… Sounds kinda like the kinder gentler side of our political variety don’t you think?!?

Thursday, May 7, 2015

‘Cherry Boy Induction Into Iniquity'

If you were a typical Crackerjack of the Cold War era, you either had to relegate yourself to a celibate life of solitude, or experiment in what the Aussies call whore mongering overseas! Sailors & Prostitutes are synonymous don’t you know?!? It was one or the other, I suppose you could be a bit light in the loafers or spend a lot of time in your rack dancing the two fisted tango!!!

Let’s take a walk down memory lane in the vicinity of Magsaysay Drive back in the day! This was a journey you wanted your Sea Daddy around for more than a few reasons!! Who else would make out the exchange rate of all that funny money, or show you the best places to pursue refined refreshment and xXx rated interaction with members of the opposite sex?!?

As your Sea Daddy showed you the ends and outs of Olongapo, making sure you didn’t wonder off the wrong side streets, introducing you to the finest sidewalk cuisine… the monkey meat and the balut and giving introduction to the San Magoo and the Mojo too!! All you could think of was stuffing some ‘LBFM’ like a Thanksgiving Turkey!!!

So goes it your Sea Daddy would say…

“Slow down there young buckaroo, there’s plenty in the land of milk and honey, just take a looksee see!”

… And this was your ‘cherry boy’ induction into the Sea Going World of Iniquity!! You crossed Shit River gagging on that sweet mixture of diesel, sewage, & Bar-B-Q…

“Don’t fret now young fella, you’ll soon acquire an affliction for that smell!”

Then it starts, the first bar you walk into there’s that cute and appealing girl! The one that has that innocent… but not really look about her! 

“Yeah kid, she’s damn cute and damn good-looking I’ll bet in and out of her thong, but I’m sure just by looking at her there’s a lot of bullshit involved!”

“So how do I know what to look for?”

“AAAAH, young ‘Grasshappa’… you need to learn low visibility reconnaissance techniques! I shall teach you the Ying and Yang to fend off unwanted bar fines… ‘Enter,’ The Way of The Bar Fine!”

“Oh, yeah, like there’s some ancient ‘Chinese Secret!”

“Oh, don’t laugh young ‘Danielson’… you soon shall learn ancient butterfly technique! I will show you how to avoid previous short times and find new ones on other side of town!”

“Would you stop with the Kungfu Mr. Miyagi Horse Shit? How about that one… I’d like to snake her drain!”

“Ha-Ha… no young one, that bar fine takes too much work!”

“So how do you know that?”

“The main sport in this part of the world is much more exciting than chasing tale in downtown San Dog! Bar fining… now of that my friend, I’m a true connoisseur!”

“So how about that one… she’s pretty tasty!”

“I think you’d be better suited for the short one in the corner with the nice fun bags!”

“But she’s not as beautiful as those…”

“The beauty is in the eye of the beholder or whoever is paying her bar fine at the moment… besides true beauty is only a light switch away!”

“I like that one over there… I’d like to spin her on my trouser rotisserie!”

“No, she’s probably been used and abused… you see, you want low mattress mileage with limited but quality ‘Smiles’ experience!”

… I’m still trying to figure it all out…

“You see, the real pretty ones are usually the most used and abused! It’s what’s inside her panties and who else has been in there this month that really matters! I’ve bar fined a few dogs in my time… at least I know my intentions were better than my eyesight! Besides, beauty is a matter of taste… and your bar fine budget!”

“What if all the good ones are already taken?”

“That’s okay… they’ll be available tomorrow! There will be another one… and another… and another…  That’s why we keep coming to this Adult Disney Ride!”

“So what if that doesn’t happen?”

“Bar fining even ugly ones ain’t so bad, when you consider the alternative is Rosie and her Five Sisters! Besides, it’s better to have bar fined an ugly one than to never have bar fined at all!

… Because you can always say the mojo made you do it or that it seemed like a good idea at the time!

“Listen kid… Bad bar fines happen to the best of us… you’ll know when there’s a lot of bullshit involved, like when you need a lot of liquor just to come close to enjoying it… you know like that girlfriend who whines incessantly!”

… I’ve got my ear open, just learning the ropes…

“Then there are the negotiating fees! We’re only human, but the Mamasan… she can be a real bitch… the master of bartering!”

“What about VD… You know… the clap or Gonorrhea?!?”

“Don’t worry my friend, all bar fines come with certificates of health and authenticities to keep from catching the HIV or ending up with ‘Benny Boy! But beyond that… there are no guarantees, no refunds and no returns!”

“I’m sure everyone’s caught something a time or two, right?”

… My Sea Daddy was a Vietnam Vet and he used to say all is fair in love and war… Short times and bar fines are another story...

Yes… It was your Sea Daddy who kept you from waking up in that alley lying half dead and abbreviated in one of those piss gutters wearing nothing but ripped skivvies and yesterday’s groceries… one of those ‘I finally got it together but forgot where I put it’ kinda moments!  After a good swim in the quivering love puddle it was off for some more fun with the Peso snatchers in their neon bikinis and go-go boots!!

“Just sit back and enjoy the show!”

… But don’t stand up too quick, that mojo’s got a kick!! You stand up to fast and you’ll fall on your ass, but thankfully your Sea Daddy was there to pick up the pieces!!!

The folks back home would never believe you if you told them! The possibilities strain on the edge of credibility!! But that’s the life we lived… and loved!!!

Friday, May 1, 2015

'Great Mistakes'

Here I am again ready to inflict more Crackerjack Ramblings on the unsuspecting! This yarn is woven with a bit of touchy feely foolishness so ladies, break out your hankies ‘cause this could be a tear jerker!! No not really… but you get the jest!!!

It’s been almost thirty years and I can still feel the spine splintering cold from those Great Mistakes winter months, the bone shiver’n marches back and fro BE/E school! OH… and the split moment of warmth you got crossing the steam vents up from the sidewalks!!  A jumble of them type episodes race through my brain... like an uncontrollable seizure!! Fiery, wretched, chilling & terrifying all the same!!!

Joining the ol’ Canoe Club couldn’t have made me feel any better about myself and could have possibly led to bed wetting had not someone shaken some gauddamned sense into me! It was a rude awakening to just how arduous life could really be… as though a snot nosed nineteen year old  straight from the sunshine state still wet behind the ears knows anything about ‘Life!!’ I was young and dumb and didn’t know shit from shinola… I was about to find out!!!

It started right outta High School… Dad warned me I was making a mistake! He said I’d be better suited stick’n around and taking over the family business!! But he never ‘really’ tried to talk me out of it… If you think about it, just about any ‘job’ can really suck… some worse than others!!!

Besides, we knew more than our parents about everything anyway… and wrought with the appropriate amount of reckless stupidity! Little did I know how much I’d miss the back seat doing the horizontal mambo stretching panties and part’n legs!! That’s all an average red blooded American bred male could possibly think about!! Little did I know it was gonna be lonelier than the last crème filled éclair in a dirty doughnut box!!!

It was a few months outta Boot Camp but I couldn’t seem to attach any weight to it! I was still a little lost and not quite sure what to make of it while crossing the street!! Then Winter hit and the Fat Lady Sang!!!

All of the sudden it was wintry! I remember spending many an hour stamping my feet and watching the dew off my breath!! Jack Frost had come and the wind was gauddamned despicable… like the ol’ saying… it was colder than a witches tit in a brass bra!!!

I admit… I wasn’t much of a studious young man, partly the reason for joining this outfit! We had a Chief that looked like Little Rascal’s ‘Spanky’... but I don’t rightly remember his name!  Chief ‘Spanky’ would say…

“Since books are readily available, your lack of knowledge implies a lack of interest!”

I was that kid looking out the window instead of looking at the chalkboard!

“Where you from Swing?”

“Florida, Chief!”

“Well Seaman Swing… You’re a long way from vacationing in Buttfuck, Florida… you’d better get your head outta your ass and stop think’n about ‘Suzie Rotten Crotch’… now get back to those books!”

I spent more time as a mando commando and failed more test modules than any Bluejacket in history! I swear… I’m in the Guinness Book of World Records as the dumbest twidget ever gradiated the BE/E & FC’A’ schools!! I was capable… just too damned lazy!!!

It sucked worse than an Amish Virgin! Half my liberty was gobbled up treading through subzero conditions doing the two hour mando commando shuffle between the school house and barracks!! I felt like a neutered hamster on a hamster wheel gett’n poked and prodded every step of the way!!!

I’d went from ‘Dan the Man’ to just a number standing nut-to-butt, no better & no worse than the one in front and the one behind! Always made me think of that old saying…

“Always remember that you're unique...just like everyone else!”

… But it wasn’t just on base… I reckon the town folk made sure we understood as much!! Between the salesmen buzzing in circles like flies on a plate-glass window to Waukegan Wendy shrieking at you like an escapee from a leper colony… it was rough on the ol’ self-esteem!! ‘Sailors and Dogs keep off the Grass’ was the unofficial motto!!!

And shoveling snow in that ‘brass monkey’ weather making tracks through the blizzard! Pale faces and ice encrusted brows… frozen to the gizzards type weather with five layers of Pea coat, dungaroos, thermals  and a couple sets of skivvies that didn’t make a damn bit of difference!! You wrapped yourself all up and still felt the slush forming in your veins!!!

My personal plumbing fixtures shriveled up into my kidneys! I swear at one point I got frost bite on the tip of my tally wacker!! It’s the kind of miserable pull your watch cap over your eyes with gloves the size of a catcher’s mitt kind’a cold!! OH Yeah… did I say it was cold?!?

I regress…

Then there was that juicy piece left back home! It’s damned near impossible to maintain a long distance relationship with your high school squeeze when you’re so far away!! Jules was her name… Actually Julie… she preferred Jules!! She was a cute and shapely brunette with the perfect figure and aerodynamic torpedoes for tits… that’s all I could think about… always and forever… those torpedo tits!!!

The phone calls were long and the letters even longer…

Dear Jules,
I am currently attached to the Naval Training Center here in Great Lakes… It’s right across the street from Boot Camp! I am one of hundreds of men assigned to this desolate wasteland with bone chilling weather!!  We are now in the dead of winter and totally isolated from the outside world… except for a limited extent of time each day when the city bus comes by but it’s too gauddamned cold to sit and wait for!! If it weren’t for your phone calls and letters I would surely have gone insane!! The constant howl of the wind, the bitter cold temperatures and my roommate fapping his willie in front of everyone… it would have surely driven me nuts!! You’ll hear more from me again tomorrow…


A day goes by…

Dear Jules,
Another day… another snowstorm! The grey sky is ominous today!! We haven’t had above freezing weather in nearly two months!! The wind is my enemy as it will not cease!! The others are slowly going insane… but not I!! I have you to thank for that… I am now up to phone call fifteen today!! You’re in my thoughts!


Then the next…

Dear Jules,
Today was particularly hard! We lost another shipmate!! He ran naked into the cold and barren tundra!! He cannot survive for long, as the wind chill is nearly sixty below. There are only few of us sane in this God forsaken place!! The others are growing mentally weak... but I am now up to twenty phone calls to prove my love to you… Please send money, or cannot afford to call!


Then it happened…

Jules… why did you break up with me? I don’t understand? What is that you say wind? You want me to take off my clothes and walk toward you? I will obey you great howling and frozen wind... You are my lord and master now!

… Okay… I borrowed that line from someone else… but you get the quip!!!

By this time I was like an emotionally retarded pit bull! I’m sure my incensed whining became a real drag for all my shipmates!! Looking for reasons to get outta this shithole I plotted and connived my way to medical and dental fainting sickness to get outta duty!! Yes I had become a pariah to my shipmates… even going AWOL on a few occasions thumbing a ride from Great Mistakes to Polk County Florida!!!

It was like Hell in a Hand Basket and after a couple Skippy’s Mast the Commander had had it with me! I’d been exiled to ‘X’ Division while gett’n the boot… an ‘OTH’ Discharge!! I’d realized this was all a big mistake and called my Pops to apologize for being such a miserable disgrace!! I remember shaking like a coon shitt’n a peach seed when I called him… I was so ashamed!!!

Next thing I knew I was back in the Commander’s office… he wanted a word or two! Glaring down his bulbous nose with pores so big birds could nest in, his voice ravaged like he’d been gargling gravel…

“Seaman Recruit Swing… I got off the phone with your Father… what am I to do with you?”

“Duh… I dunno Sir!”

You get stupid like that when standing tall in front of the Skipper!

“I figure I got three choices here… process you out like I had intended… send you to the fleet and make you someone else’s problem… or keep you here and place an eye on you making sure you learn a thing or two about growing up!”

“I think I like the third option if it’s alright with you Sir!”

“Well Son… Here’s the deal…”

And the next thing you knew I was back in school slicker than Vaseline on a porn star!!!

The only caveat beings I had to hang out at AA meetings and listen to people with real problems! It should be painfully obvious I was as thrilled as going to an Amway Recruiting Party!! Well… I could go listen to them, or have the grace to shut the hell up and just deal with it!! It put me in touch with my feelings… because I didn’t feel like whining anymore!!!

I tell you there’s nothing like sitt’n in on somebody else’s group therapy session! It was an eye opener taking note on how Seaman Jones got fondled at the age of twelve by his Scout Master as a Boy Scout… or how Jimmy stood by all those years watching his mother whore herself out so she could score more crack!! I figured there was nothing wrong with me… just a snot nosed punk kid that needed to mature!!!

I learned a few things… most of us get a raw deal sometime in life… it’s no honeymoon in Vegas, so just learn to deal with it! Maybe if you stop feeling sorry for your damned self… like a fine wine things get better!! And it occurred to me as plain as the zits on a Prom Queen… all I needed was a swift smack upside the head, a good kick in the proverbial ass… because you know no deed goes unpunished… just don’t quit, and make the best of it I reckon!!!

And that’s my story… Twenty-Three years later I’d retired a Chief Petty Officer… how’d you like them apples?!? Hell… If you can’t beat’em… Join’em!!!