Wednesday, November 30, 2016

'Blow The Man Down'

Like Popeye, Barnacle Bill and Captain Morgan himself… we grew up singing certain songs while rollicking and drinking our way to the liberty boats just being sailors!!!

As I was a-walkin’ down Paradise Street, To me!
Way, hey, blow the man down…

A pretty young damsel I chanced for to meet
Give me some time to blow the man down…

She was round in the corner and bluff in the bow…
So I took in all sail and cried “Way enough now”…

I threw out my hawser and took her in tow
And yardarm to yardarm away did we go…

She said to me “Sir, will you stand the treat?”
“Delighted,” says I, “for a charmer so sweet”

It was up in her quarters she piped me aboard
And there on her bed I cut loose with my sword…

But just as my cutter was forging ahead
She shouted “My husband!” and jumped out of bed…

He was seven feet tall, had a chest like a horse
And right for my jawbone he plotted his course…

He loosened my rigging, he kicked me in stays
I flew down the stairs like a ship on the way…

I chanced on a packet that happened on by
And when I awoke I was bound for Shanghai!!!

Friday, November 25, 2016

'Service for The Fleet'

After a drunken stroll along the pier side where Crackerjacks like to hangout and loiter, it would only be fair to be seduced by two young ladies of the night all dressed out hang’n on the Quay Wall! Imagine pulling into port after a long excursion underway only to be greeted with a ‘free one’ on the lips and a night of carnal pleasure… nothing that a 72 hour pass wouldn’t cure!! Imagine two or three hundred sailors Hoot’n & Holler’n while chanting…” Great American Stud Service for the Ladies!”... when all the while it's the ladies doing the real Service!!!

Friday, November 18, 2016

'Sea Going Sailor & A Girl In Every Port'

Here is another one that came up the other night in a late night conversation at the bar! The one thing I like about telling No Shitters is taking essentially nothing and forging it into major bullshit!! The names have been omitted, not to protect the innocent, but to keep old shipmates from showing up and kicking the shit outta me!!!

This will take a bit of deep cerebral resurrection! After years in the ol’ Canoe Club, I find there's no damn place like reminiscing the past!! Let me see… it started about how my wife and I met and the odd circumstances associated with the event!!!

Let me tell you, I love my wife and I take pretty good care of her! She has more shoes and handbags than she knows what to do with!! She keeps telling me…

“Well, Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!”

When we first met, I was working a part time job at a beer joint called El’ Caminos while the ship was in the docks! She came walking in with her perky busted breastesses being the first pleasurable thing I’d noticed that night asking her cousin…

“Who’s that guy?”

“Oh… that’s ‘Dennis Slut’ you want to stay away from him!”

But what can I say, she wasn’t easy! Her legs were closed up tighter than a virgin in a convent making me wait for them goods!! So there I was taking interest in a gal who wasn’t gonna give it up so easily… a diversion from my regular routine I admit!!!

You see, back in those days it was a good ol’ American Bluejacket’s calling to go out and sow his seeds as plenty and often as possible! And we did… we swigged beer, danced and went home with women we never saw again!! I remember an ol’ Salt once mentoring me on the ways of a girl in every port…

“Shipmate, a vagina is like the weather, once it’s wet it’s time to go inside!”

Now I must admit he was usually more full-of-shit than a West Texas Stockyard! But weekends of sexual promiscuity were a mainstay for your average Crackerjack back in those days!! Leaving the Quarterdeck you’d often here the Chief say…

“There goes another sea going son-of-a-bitch on liberty heading right for the bar looking for some panties and a bit of trouble to get into… and he’ll find it I’m sure!”

Now Bremerton had the biggest collection of sluts short of the parking lot at a Las Vegas Porno Convention!  The tart little hussies were everywhere like sin and government street cameras!! Sailors were doing ladies from sixteen to sixty… hell maybe older than that!! It was like ‘An Officer and A Gentleman’… I think all of them gals were trying to escape the holds of that ol’ Blue Collar Town!!!

And like juvenile delinquents we were usually charged with improper behavior, destroying virgin flowers, disrupting social decorum and spreading our seed at the Chieftain & Super 8 motel right outside Dennys off of Kitsap Way! What’s that old saying?!?

“Write me once you get your sea legs sailor, and when you get back import I’ll make sure you get to see legs!”

I still remember my shipmate’s red Mustang, reaching under the seat and finding gear-adrift panties removed from a one night stand in the ‘Nite Shift’ parking lot the night before!! In the wonderful world of lust and relaxation, our little group of ‘Salty Seamen’ were major league contenders in the business of one-night stands!!!

But they weren’t always beauties either! A woman can become real pretty after copious amounts of alcohol and if you’re really unlucky, Jack Daniels could become your best man at a shotgun wedding real fast!! Alcohol, combined with naturally inherent stupidity had robbed us of any common sense and that’s just how it was!!!

So here is where I will profess my crimes as plainly as a drunk at an ‘Alcohols Anonymous’ recovery meeting, in honesty only is there an ends to thy means! Risk management in those days was defined on rather you felt compelled to wrap that rascal before stabbing her between the thighs with your muffin dagger!! And sometimes in the heat of the moment, you just took the risk!!!

On one particular night a fellow shipmate and I took to this gal who was drinking and dancing and having a gay ol’ time! She was one of those ‘If you can catch me you can screw me’ kinda’ gals!! You could tell she’d stroked more wood than a furniture polisher!!! 

We flirted and drank and flirted some more, and finally got her to agree to the two-for-one challenge, taking us both home for a night of fun! It was obvious she’d been with so many Crackerjack Sailors her labia went in and out with the tide!! We played butt tag, hide-and-go-seek- the –salami, and backyard ball’n all in the course of a few hours!!!

As soon as we got to her house and walked through the door she had four screaming kiddos with four different ethnicities! One looked Asian, one looked half Black, one was a damn Ginger and the other looked Hispanic!! I kept humming…

♪♪ It’s A Small World After All ♪♪

… while my buddy kept nudging me in the ribs!!!

Once she put the kids to bed, it didn’t take long for that little gal to start getting busy! She started getting down to business as exuberantly as a pyromaniac starts fires!! And we all had a joyous time!!!

Slipping the contents of your trousers into her oyster bed… it was like a wild mechanical bull ride high fiving your shipmate while giving her the two for one bonanza! She bobbed up and down like a ship tethered to the pier in Gail force winds!! From my vantage point we must’ve looked like two amateur dick docs performing some kind of weird double gynecological organ transplant!!!

When we were done, we parted ways never expecting to see this gal ever again! But it never really turns out that way, now does it?!?

A few months go by and I meet my future wife! Something about the gravitational pull of her well-developed breasts that lured my attention towards her!! And she was coming in to the bar where I worked on a regular routine!!!

It turned out one night that this gal my buddy and I ran the ol’ train on showed up while I was working the front door…

“Hey sexy, I’ve got something to show you!”

“And what’s that?”

… I asked as she pulls up her shirt to show her belly poking out …

“I’m with child!”

“What the hell does that mean?”

… looking surprised knowing full well what she meant…

“I’m pregnant with your baby!”

"Nice try Sweetcakes, but that could be anybody’s after a one night stand with two swaggering sailors! I’ve been down this road before and you’ll have to prove it!”

To her I’m sure I was just another of a long line of insensitive assholes dropping off his dirty laundry in this old rusty town… a girl in every port! That’s what their mommas warned them about, but they didn’t listen!! I wasn’t trying to be an asshole, I was just young and stupid… that’s how it was back then!!!

When a gal comes up to you and says some shit like that, you suddenly formulate some really unorthodox behavioral patterns! Denial is always the first to come into play!! It was a pretty nervous night as she conveniently sat near my new woman, who happened to know her and started pointing in my direction!!!

Now try explaining that to your new found girlfriend! Fortunately in time, she met another Squidly-Do-Right and he married her, the child took his name and that was that!! I can’t say I’m sorry and didn’t feel relieved!!!

It didn’t take long before my future wife finally broke open the chastity belt and let me in! And it didn’t take long… a matter of a couple of weeks… before she ended up ‘With Child’ and I was gonna be a proud Poppa!! It was time for me to pay my debt to society and take responsibility for the seeds I’d sown… Oh the irony!!!

Over the years she’s asked me a time or two about that gal and what if her kid was mine!  Hell, with a girl in every port, that's a loaded question!! She’s got a heart forged of an anvil to deal with a man like me!! I don’t know how she’s put up with me for so long!!!

Yep, it’s just a semi-articulate account of a long ago Crackerjack and his troubles & tributes to the women and the lost ways of Navy life in those days! I suppose with all those women and transgenders they got onboard now, the last thing they need is a bunch of oversexed young men who need to get laid regularly before they explode or go blind!! But it was all so long ago!! We were young… That was all there was to it… We were young dumb and full of… you get the picture!! And that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!!!