Monday, June 27, 2016

‘Keyhole in the Door’

Ahoy, Shipmate! Come aboard and lend an ear to as lusty a broadside of sea shanties as ever warmed the briny deep…

I had just come home and I took a room,
I was all settled down to recline,
When I saw a delectable maid go by,
To the room next door to mine
Like the bold Columbus then,
I set out to explore,
And I took up my position by
The keyhole on the door...

The keyhole in the door,
My boys, the keyhole in the door
took up my position
By the keyhole in the door...

She first took off her slippers,
Her dainty feet to show,
And then she took her panties off
And revealed her so-and-so,
And when she stretched out on her bed,
I couldn't stand no more,
It was one, two, three, I turned the key
In the keyhole in the door…

She didn't say a single word.
But she took me in her arms,
And pretty soon I was much engaged,
In charting all her charms
But just in case some other sailor
`D see the sights I saw,
I hung my trousers right above
The keyhole in the door…

That night I rode in glorious style,
And other things besides,
And on her lily white stomach, Boys,
I had such lovely rides
But when I woke next morning, Boys,
My instrument was sore
As if I had been using it
On the keyhole in the door…

Be warned by this, young sailormen
And listen unto me,
What I caught then, no fishermen
Have ever caught at sea
Beware the pox, the hidden rocks,
That lie in wait ashore,
It's safer far to bend your spar
In the keyhole in the door…

Thursday, June 23, 2016

'Navy Training'

While in preparation for Combat Systems Qualifications a Chief on the Combat System’s Training Team (CSTT) became a bit embroiled with an Ensign who thought he knew best on how to train the troops!  Feeling confident in his status he questioned the Chief as to how he could become a member of the CSTT team!! As the Ensign continued on with his braggadocious ways the Chief decided to answer his overture…

“Well this is how it’s done Ensign! You see we show them a bath filled with water, a large bucket, a large cup and a spoon. Then we ask them what the quickest way to empty the water in the bath would be.”

… Then the Ensign chimes in …

“Oh, I see… that is pretty simple. The smarter ones obviously would pick the bucket!”

“No actually, the smarter ones say pull out the plug! How long you been in the Navy again?”

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

'Wimmins Infiltrat'n The Ol' Boys Club'

Now before I get into this yarn, I just want to say I already expect the assertions that… I’m a misogynist that must really hate women… blah, blah, blah… and that while growing up I probably used Barbie as a pin cushion for my GI Joes… which I did but that’s beside the point! Yes, we are a sorry bunch of bastards us men!! Sinners we are… neck deep in the quicksand of iniquity!! OOOOH the shame of it all!!!

But I want you to ponder this for a moment… A man, with a bit of persuasion, might open doors for a woman! He might even hold out her chair in a restaurant!! But I’ll be damned if a woman ever does that shit for a Man!!  You might say…
“Well, of course not! That wouldn’t be gentlemanly like!”

… Because by instinct men are expected to care for women… and we as men expect to do it! It no longer makes sense… but it’s engrained in our DNA!! Look at the shit show going on in Washington DC about Selective Service for Women… Capiche?!?

Before women were presented to us by the likes of God on the deck plates of the world’s finest warships we had a reputation devoid of the kindly enlightened impact of the fairer sex!  We often reverted to a more primitive state of thinking traced back to our Neanderthal roots!! Our inner savagery led to pranks and horseplay of Olympic size proportions!! Today’s Politically Correct wouldn’t approve of such shenanigans from sordid Crackerjacks of the Ol’ Canoe Club!!!

I suppose there is something to be said about being civilized… after months of seclusion on a Tin Can bouncing about in the middle of nowhere… men became exponentially uglier by the moment! It is an undeniable fact men become uncivilized when there’s no bosoms & lace around and do some pretty unsavory things!! The ship got underway and common decency was left on the pier… while it became a free for all everyman for himself Smörgåsbord where only the strong survived!!!

Shuffling through that massive cobweb between my ears I seem to remember a bunch of goofballs without a clue! When berthing was a real man’s domicile with empty soda cans filled with chaw, girly magazines on the deck, and clothes strewn as far as the eye could see!! We had the mindset of a Hostess Ding Dong… and thought with one too if you know what I mean!! We entertained each other in the most precarious ways…

“ Hey guys, I found this letter under Swing’s pillow… Oh Darling, I can’t wait ‘til I get back I miss you so much! I have a present for you… In the back seat of my car!”

“That’s why he’s saving up all those Trojans Doc’s been passing out…Ha-Ha!”

Back then it was understood… Girls wanted a lot of things from men and conversely men wanted one thing from girls! It wasn’t complicated… If we open doors for them and gave them a comfortable life then they open their legs for us!! She might say…

“You seem annoyed, I think you might need a sexual outlet!”

To which he might say…

“Well honey, if you’ve got an outlet… I’ve got the prong for it!”

Women traded sex for what they wanted and men traded anything and everything for sex… it seemed like an even exchange!! East was East, and West was West, and the twain would meet at the drop of a hat!!!

Then the women got smart on us… they started figuring out the game and realized they had all the pussy… and with all the pussy comes all the power! Pretty soon they weren’t satisfied with the way things were!! They wanted everything they had plus what the men had too!!!

So the twist in the social rope began! Women got more than equal rights, plus palimony, the child support, the child, the house, the car, the gold mind… and us men?!? Well… we got the shaft!!  But if that wasn’t enough the government in all its wisdom decided we needed to impose women on all the ol’ boys clubs and societies that are out there… even if they don’t want to be a part of it!! So they started infiltrat’n our ranks with the wimmins!!!

Hell, in the beginning, I didn’t seem to mind! It sure beat look’n at Billy Bob’s ugly mug every day!! You ain’t never gonna learn something as profoundly as when it’s purely out of curiosity… and I’d seen some things!!!

The idea of putting women on ships was hardly founded on pent-up desires among women to be our combat equals! This here Canoe Club, in its infinite wisdom, decided it so out of the convenience of Social Engineering coming straight to you from Washington DC!! Before we knew it, women were on board ships and things took their course!! It wasn’t so bad at first… and women obviously knew what they were doing!!!

At first it was like…

“Hey, I’d love to meet you in the fanroom and get down to business… I mean your pants!”

“UUUH, no thank you, I’ve already got an asshole down there!”

But then she wised up and the little gal started wiggl’n her ass like bait to the fish on a tin can underway with hundreds of male Crackerjacks hornier than a Vikings helmet! Next thing you knew women were giving birth like Grand Prize Slot Machines and missing deployments while ship’s company ended up with twenty to thirty percent less manpower!!

“How would you like your eggs sweetheart… fertilized or unfertilized?”

… or…

“Do you want to go halves on a bastard?”

It was a sham… a loss of workforce driven by inadequate contraception… what a pity!!!

Hell, it began to smell fishier than Lady Gaga’s Piano Chair! We horsed around on the sexual fringes at first like all young people do!! Then somebody got their knickers in a bunch and raised the Holy Hell Sexual Harassment Flag!!!

All these women… first they were throwing their legs up in the air, next they were throwing their hands up in the air… and the New Canoe Cabaret was born! It’s like a bunch’a fluttering hens in the coop losing their collective minds with the fox in the hen house!! The immediate cause of flutter is still unknown… but many careers were lost, and many are still going down the drain!!!

Ain't it grand? If a man says a bad word in the passageway, or glances at her legs, a woman should swoon, deftly calling her legal advocate before hitting the deck and maybe going into seizures!! Is this Victorian England all over again?!?

I say rinse the sand out of your crotch and spare the rest of us the frustrations of sitt’n through another unpleasant session of a ‘Red light, Green light’ GMT!  Just say one wrong thing and they’ll be on you like buzzards on carrion… well I've seen road kill better looking than some of those ogres!! It’s all about punishing the Masses for the mistakes of a Few!!!

Don’t get me wrong… I have no objections to the wonderful gals who join our Navy and serve onboard! Hell, a few made some of the best shipmates!! I just don’t see the need to be giving them handicaps and handouts for equal footing!! If you think I’m full of shit, just look at the skewed Physical Fitness Requirements!!!
Then there’s the Tranny issue…

It’s enough to make you as comfortable as a twisted testicle… I think I’d rather play leapfrog with a unicorn! I just don’t know how the young lads do it these days!! Or maybe I’m just not properly anchored to the planet!!!

In the future Navy ‘Drag’ will be encouraged… maybe even required! I swear if I joined the Navy today I’d soon have to wear an armored bathysphere for personal protection!! This could change the whole meaning of sexual harassment in a nutshell!!!

Friday, June 17, 2016

'June Installment Of Riggin' Bill'

Just the semi-articulate account of a long ago Crackerjack and his troubles & tributes with women and the lost ways of life in those days!!!

Dear Bill:

You are a run-down heel! When we met in Central Park you said our hearts were in accord!! A cord is right… You were stringing me along, and I was fool enough to get roped in by your beautiful talk!!!

Are you dating my sister Peachy? I have not been out with you in two whole weeks, and I notice Peachy has learned some seaman’s knots she didn’t know two weeks ago!! All you ever taught me was the square knot, and she can do the half-hitch already!!!

Mother thinks your long absence might be because you went to sea!  To see somebody, I think, I cannot bear anything that reminds me of you!! Mother had Navy beans for supper the other night and I burst into tears at the dinner table!! I could not eat them, but I saw Peachy have a second helping!!!

Don’t think I’m going to sit around waiting for you, you conceited gob, because I have met a very nice sailor from one of the French Battleships! I do not understand his language, but he is very helpful!! He is going to help me get rid of the anchor you had tattooed on my knee!! I don’t know the French word for ‘Tattoo’ and I keep trying to explain to him that he can’t rub it off with his hand, but he doesn’t seem to understand!! He is trying hard though, but I think he’s a little dumb in that way!!!

If you cannot explain your long absence I am going to burn all your letters and scatter the ashes to the seven winds!  I could sue you for breach of promise for some of the things in those letters!! But, I’m not that kind of girl, you louse!!!

Yours Brokenly,

Lotta Tyme

Saturday, June 11, 2016

'Skin Books'

Before ‘Sex Education’ in schools, we didn’t have direct access to the Masonic Secrets of the Dark Templar of nekkit lady information! No, we had to resort to nekkit women with banana boobs in National Geographic… now that’s desperation!! But every once in a while your old man left out an ol’ dog eared Playboy or Penthouse…!!!

Then before the wimmins came aboard, we used these juicy skin books as the medium exchange for trade! When I was a young boot on my first ship, ol’ Ronnie Hosmer used to say…

“If you ain't never laid in a rack reading skin books with a bottle of Jergens, scratching your ass and listening to a couple of idiots jabber jaw’n… you ain’t lived the Navy life!”

Friday, June 10, 2016

'When The Trouble Starts'

A Navy man walks into a bar. Sitting himself down, he tells the bartender…

 "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts!"
The bartender pours a drink and watches as the man quickly downs it.

Putting the glass on the bar, the sailor says…

"Give me another drink before the trouble starts!"

The bartender pours another glass and the sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first, before asking for another, again adding…

". . . before the trouble starts!"

After several rounds of this the bartender says…

"Look sailor, you've been in here ten minutes and you keep talking about trouble starting. Just when is this ‘trouble’ going to start?" 

The sailor looks at the bartender and says…

"The trouble starts just as soon as you find out that I ain't got any money."

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

'Buy Me Drink Girl'

Buy-me-Drink girl saddles up to you, she sits down, you buy her a lady drink, she presses a leg against you…

You ask for a Mojo… You pour the Mojo down… then your San Migoo!

You've got her worried, she doesn't know if you're a killer, a madman or an idiot – But all you want is to drill her!

She is 18 from Cebu, one of a family of Twenty-Two...

She sends money home but most of it goes on booze and cock-fighting… (She’ll be fighting a different kind of cock tonight!!!)

She is shy at first but after a lady drink or two she’s dry humping in your lap...

It's one a.m. in a dead cow world... You ask her how much for head… drink everything down… it tastes like machine oil...
(you doubt your dick tastes better)

You pay the barfine…  But can’t remember where your hotel is?!?

We’ve all been there… Done That!!!

Monday, June 6, 2016

'I Know This Ain't Navy... But'

I'll Be Damned...

(Click On Picture)

Yes this reminded me of a once upon a time 'No Shit' moment...

I once had a CMDCM who as if it wasn’t bad enough reported onboard swearing to the Chief’s Mess we had the best Skipper the Navy had to offer… let it be known this same Skipper oversaw a Precommissioning of a ship that lost five chiefs to alcohol and fraternization while implicated in the Navy Times as a ship fueled on drug and alcohol issues! That Skipper was also under investigation for improper use of funds!

A few months after the CMDCM checked on board and made such an outlandish claim, the Change of Command ceremony came not a moment too soon! The new Skipper did everything but bad mouth the old Skipper in even the way he handled his Battle Doctrine! Within weeks the CMDCM was praising the new Skipper who obviously had no love for the last…

“He’s the greatest Skipper the Navy has ever had!”

… Yes, He was your typical 'Yes Man' gobbling up the brass nut sack and burying the nose in the brown hole, turning the Goat Locker into a den of psychotherapy one Chief at a time!!!

Sunday, June 5, 2016

'Once Over... Twice Over...'

Once over dust, twice over rust, and as many times as it takes over standing water!!!

Thursday, June 2, 2016

‘No-Sh!#ers and Late Night Cat Fights’

I have memories of an obnoxious youngster at the lowest end of the naval totem pole who endorsed a whole lot of bullshit and tap danced on a whole lot of coroframs! They are memories you never recognize the significance of until years later!! This one involves my lovely wife and my sister-in-law…!!!

An ol’ Salt will turn unimportant instances into epic tales recounting the saga with a measure of the most amazing bullshit ever contrived by man…

"Pardon me boys and girls, have any of you lousy shits heard the one about the blind nympho circle jerking a three ring circus of retarded clowns?"

We’re story tellers… that’s what we do! But I never would have figured my wife to be a mighty bullshit artist!!  She can play the ditzy blonde to the tee… by the time you’d realized you’d been fooled she’s two steps ahead of you!!!

Around the winter of 94’-95, we had the ship’s command Christmas Party at the Bangor Ballroom up the road from Penis Anus (PSNS)! That’s where my wife and I introduced her friend Tonya to one of the fellas I used to pull liberty with, Mike Law!! It was lust at first sight… after all, if a sailor didn't like you then he’d just ignored you!!!

We made plans to go on a fancy double date on the following Friday night between the four of us!  We get to the restaurant of choice and soon after being seated I made arrangements to the little boy’s room!! This is when the shit gets really good!!!

Apparently my wife was throwing the coals into the fire of grandiloquence!  She was laying it on real thick like!! I finish my business in the powder room and head back to our table…

“Dennis, you never told me your wife was a Golf Pro?”

“What the fu…?!?”

“Dude… that’s freaking awesome!”

“Mike, I don’t know what she’s been feeding you, but my wife wouldn’t know the difference between a nine iron and a pitching wedge if they both hit her in the ass!”

So there she was, my wife, holding her own while trading lies with the best of fellow dungaree wearing sea bastards! She took off her ditzy blonde act and did a neat magic trick where she made up more bullshit than any ‘no shitter’ Crackerjack I’d ever known since!! Talk about pulling a rabbit out of a hat!!!

It was a hell of a way to break the ice and make no bones about it, it made everyone feel right at home! We spent a good couple of hours enjoying each other’s company!! I’ve gotta say that she was brilliant… genius… What ingenuity… How clever she was!!!

After the girls doused themselves with ten gallons of fruity drinks, you can bet your thirteen button blues the panties were coming off!  The double date was a hit success and Mike surely got what he was looking for!! And now I’ve got four kids… you know where that’s heading!!!

Fast Forward to the next day, and here is my sister-in-law, Rhonda! Nowadays Rhonda is living a near deaf experience… and seems to figure since she can’t hear herself, nobody else can, either!! Actually, when she talks in her normal voice, people in Angola, Africa can hear her!! She’s also so absent-minded that she’s lucky to remember this yarn I’m about to thread!!!

Mike invited Tonya out for a party the next night! But he forgets to mention the other gals showing up… gals that he’s swapped spit with and parleyed at leg wrestling with in past reference and might make things a bit complicated!! It wasn’t long before Tonya invited Rhonda and off they went to the infamous ‘House’ of yore for some brewed products and sinful activity!!!

Of course I’m referring to a known conduit through which the riff raff of the seven seas passed through at one time or another from another story…  Apparently it turned out to be a long, hot night! There was plenty speculation on what a weekend of sexual promiscuity with a variety of wild rabid women in heat would be like… at least that was the expectation!! But no one had any idea what was about to go down!!!  

The morning after, Rhonda came over raving on about some gal named Brandy and the cussing, tit punching and hair pulling that took hold the night before! Cuss like a sailor?!? Yeah, she laid out more explicatives than a drunken sailor waking up annoyed to a Sunday choir!!!

When I got back to the ship that Monday…

“The clowns who watched the Saturday night fights better tell me what the hell was going down at the House over the weekend!”

… Brewster…

“I don’t know what happened… I had to piss like a gauddamned racehorse in the head… The whole time!”

Walther …

“Oh man, you missed it… the cat fight of the century!”

Doris …

“The view was awesome... when Rhonda bent over her blouse fell open...You could see the  contents of her bra and everything…!”

Apparently there was a lot of tit tugg’n and hair pulling action… and I missed it all! Hell they could’ve had a mud wrestling competition and made lots of mulla!! Tight thong bikini bottoms…

“I see England, I see France… I see some ones underpants!”

… it evokes visions of coming attractions and the feature presentation at hand!!!

"Don't count the little one out… she's a savvy little bitch!”

“Watch out for her right hook!”

“She likes to kick you in the crotch… trust me, I know!”

Shipmates were placing bets and taking sides, so I was told… while the rest of the idiots outside were trying to get in to see what the commotion was all about! And apparently it was one hell of a commotion…

“It took everything we had to keep them from ripping each other apart!”

Hell, I wasn’t mad! I’m sure it was a fabulous shit show and anyone who failed to recognize the sheer beauty of it has a faulty eyeball-to-brain interconnect!! Three women ripping each other’s clothes off in a cat fight for the ages?!?

Only wish I was there…!  I’d like to say we’re vindicated for pulling such nonsense off way back when!! It was a different time!!!

I don’t know what an old Salty Son-of-a-Bitch would do in today’s Canoe Club!  We’d have to undergo six months of sensitivity training and electric shock therapy to survive this Three Ring Circus Cabaret! Ever seen the flick… ‘Clockwork Orange?!?’  Yeah, that’s about what I’m thinking too!!!

We were young, fearless and stupid as hell! Alcohol, combined with natural hormones and inherent stupidity made us do it… I swear by it!! And we are all fortunate to have been a part of it all and lived to tell about it!!!