Tuesday, April 23, 2013


A recently retired Chief had just spent a year unaccompanied in Adek, Alaska. The first night home, he told his wife he had something to show her.

"I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Dick, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection.

"Dick, at EASE!"

And his dick deflated again.

"That was amazing!"

…said his wife...

"Can I bring over our neighbor to show her?"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of his accomplishment. So his wife brought back a delicious looking woman.

"Dick, ten-HUT!"

And his penis sprang up.

"Dick, at EASE!"


"Dick, at EASE!"

Still nothing.

"For the last time, Dick -- at EASE!"

Frustratingly enough, nothing happened. Embarrassed, he ran off to the bathroom. Worried, his wife ran after and found that he was vigorously masturbating.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm giving this guy a dishonorable discharge!"

Monday, April 22, 2013

‘Flesh Peddl’n Job Jocky’n Detailers’

I was just shuffling through some ancient worn out crusty ‘Canoe Club’ paraphernalia the other day and happened across an old Navy LINk Magazine… and as I reflected on how the hell this issue didn’t get donated to Davey Jones Locker it occurred to me just how truly astonishing what oxidized… dusty… cobweb covered details you can dredge up years after the fact. The consensus of the folks who phoned their detailer and disputed or attempted to clarify the great need for a specific shore duty billet or home port! You remember the old LINK Magazine?!?

“Sea Tours available for everyone… contact your detailer for more information!”

“Yeah... I think I want to stay in this ol’ Canoe Club… advance my career… serve the needs of the Navy, and be in an exciting and demanding billet!”

Haha… and how many times did that work out for ya?!? I guess I shouldn’t complain… I got suckered, duped and finagled three or four times!! They don’t call’em ‘flesh peddlers’ for nothing… trust me I was a Recruiter once! Same game… different name!!

“We give more than just lip service to our people!”

Yes… I’ve danced the Devil’s fandango a few times too many… no exception there!!!

And as the ol’ adage goes…

“Like Navy Recruiters… Navy Detailers Lie!”

…at least that’s the agreed upon testimonial of many a ‘Crackerjack’ who’d have to deal with such land lubb’n bottom feeders!!!

Yep… I’ve been through the ol’ gambit with these fellas… always about as crooked as a barrel of fish hooks! I’ve been in one of them situations when the detailer was supposed to be call’n you back only to find out he went on some damned vacation… hell I didn’t know you could accumulate so much damned leave!?! Then when he gets back to ya…

“There’s only two places you can go… USS Umpty Squat or Navy Recruiting in Tim Buk Too, OOkamahooga via the Boon County Railroad!”  

 Then you find out your happy ass has got to extend for two more years to get them there orders! Are you shitt’n me?!? Yep… it’s about the ‘needs of the Navy’… and if you hadn’t got the run around some time in your career then you ain’t doin it right!!!

Those detailers were more than happy to fill your ears full of ‘Needs of the Navy’ good idear fuck me through the drive through horse shit… then seem dumbfounded  you ain’t happier than a bus full of retarded kids pull’n into a Chucky Cheese parking lot!!!

 “There really isn't any such thing as a bad set of orders. There are only different kinds of great orders!"

Every gauddamned time I called that son-of-a-bitch it severely aggravated that muscle in my nogg’n they call a brain… with all the extra family separation added to your next three tours of deployment or shore duty that ain’t really shore duty… if you know what I mean!!!

So I took the advice of the Chief…

“Sailors belong on ships and ships belong at sea!”

… and I forwent shore duty for the first twelve years of my career! Until one day when the detailer called and said…

“Petty Officer Swing… due to the critical needs of the Navy you have three choices… Recruiting… Boot Camp Company Commander… and Recruiting!”

“Wait a minute… can’t I just extend onboard my ship?”

“Nope… you’ve already extended past your shelf life!”

Yeah, I was starting to wonder about this so called critical needs of the Navy bull shit! So I asked the Chief if there were any career incentive options on the table and what do I gotta do to get out of this horseshit!! He says in no uncertain terms…  

“Listen Shipmate… you don't have to suck a dick to make chief, but sometimes you gotta put it in your mouth!"

That was about as handy as a back pocket on a t-shirt!

“So I gotta go out on the town and metaphorically put a bunch’a punk ass dicks in my mouth to gett’m to join the Navy?”

“That’s about the jest of it Shippy!”

And so there it was… and that’s how I landed in the middle of the gauddamned center of nowhere USA counting how many Okies from Muskogee I could put on the happy train to Great Mistakes… and to all those Company Commanders up there… you can thank me later!!!

I’ll bet that sorry son-of-a-bitch of a detailer was sitt’n there in his Memphis office cubicle flick’n bugars in the air just smiling his happy ass away!!!

So after three long years on the bag making goal & getting selected, tested & initiated into the brotherhood of fouled anchors while grinding me gears to do it… I was finally ready to go back to sea! I gotta tell you… It couldn’t of happened a day sooner… and conveniently for me I had a Master Chief buddy who hooked me up with the detailer gett’n me orders back to my wife’s home state so she could spend time with her ailing family!! I thought everything was going great!! That was until I reached my destination at the Precommissioning Detachment for PCU MOMSEN out of San Diego! Apparently I was supposed to show up unaccompanied sending my wife up to Washington State but that wasn’t the deal we had initially worked out!!

After several phone calls with the Command Master Chief on my end and the detailer on the other… the detailer feeds the Master Chief a bullshit story that didn’t add up with the paper my orders were written on! I just love it when some pansy ass son-of-a-bitch tries to invalidate your career so easily… needless to say I was steam’n hotter than a festered nipple in a wool bra!!!

“Petty Officer Umpty Squat… bet you didn’t even know I’m standing right here with the Master Chief listening to you lie your ass off!?!”

“Oh sorry Chief… I didn’t’ realize!”

“Petty Officer Umpty Squat… you’ve got a bad brains-to-balls ratio… and you need to pull your head outta your ass and figure this out!” 

“Well Chief… and Master Chief… I’ll have to figure this out…”

“If you’re fuck’n with me, I'll be on you like a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat!"

… and with that I ended up staying a little longer in San Diego than I originally anticipated but at least I didn’t have to ship my wife and kids cross country overnight express!!!

But it all didn’t matter much in the end… after a third of the Chiefs Mess got fired… half a dozen ‘PC’ over the top Mast cases… even watched a whole gauddamned division go to Mast over some unvalidated sexual harrassment scheme with a bit of rape & drugs in the mix… and an attempted suicide by my relief which almost kept me from leaving that dreaded shit hole… Yeah, I was one bitter pill and couldn’t wait to leave that mess!! No ‘Crackerjack’ alive ever looked forward to leaving a ship as bad as I was… ‘Like a young school boy waiting to see his first set of boobies!! The anticipation was a burning hell!!

Yes… I was Gauddamned Bitter from such an exasperating tour and after years of playing this gamble of a game, I couldn’t wait to put on my Indian feather headdress…  brown sueded chicken bone vest... drink from the holy sanctified nautical grail... piss in the consecrated fire & take a hit off the prodigious pipe of knowledge and perceptual fortitude so I could once again rub shoulders with those Memphis sharks they call Detailers and get me that ‘Good Deal’ that fits with the needs of the Navy while still always knowing that no ‘Good Deal’ goes unpunished!!!

So I did my due diligence and knowing that loyalty only seems to have a one way street I’d been looking for orders near my current home port… no sense in try’n to move up in the pecking order as I’d already burned too many bridges so I found a comfy choice of orders at the local Brig! After getting released from my detailer and an e’mail here and there it was just a matter of waiting… and waiting… and waiting… and waiting!! Finally after two months I’d given up hope on such an endeavor and asked to be handed over to the Equal Opportunity Detailer so I could go back to sea on the Stink’n Link’n as their possible CMEO as such a shitty billet had no takers!!

“I’d love to have you Chief Swing but you’re currently assigned orders to the Naval Brig in Bangor and you’d have to get released from that detailer to get accepted for these orders!”

And that’s how I found out the dickhead cut me orders for the Brig already… I’d been waiting for gauddamned ever only to assume I ain’t gett’n serviced!!! WTF Over!! Seriously, he couldn't have called and given me a reach around or something?!?
But hell… I can’t complain, I retired from the Brig and it really wasn’t all that bad… considering you deal with prisoners with bad attitudes every day of the week anyway!!!
But it just goes to show…  I’d bet the most desirable duty never makes its way to the majority of us ‘Crackerjacks’… If you’d been around  long enough you’d probably figured out by now… the ‘good stuff’ is always reserved for those who have that inside handjob with the detailers… anything else is like pissing in the tide!!!
So the next time your detailer tells you one thing in person and you get the complete opposite… or your orders were advertised as primo-good shit but ended up being a shit hole… ask that son-of-a-bitch for a reach around and a kiss as he’s bending you over!!!
Yes… I’ve heard there’s a special place in hell for those Navy Detailers, but I think differently… And in my best bud light commercial voice… To all you flesh pedaling job jockeys in Memphis who never fail to dissappoint…
“Jesus Loves You… but to everyone else… You’re an Asshole!”

Monday, April 8, 2013

‘Limping Along’

Some of you might think I’m crazy as a shithouse rat writing all these memoires about our younger years! Well… that’s because most of you remember most of these comedies & tragedies… as some take us back to life’s biggest humiliations!! But to a good natured fella such as me, humorous memories like these should be cherished… even enshrined!!!

So I figured after the ‘ol’ Blue Ball’ story this would be a good time to tell another no shitter from my High School years!  So let’s continue with the mêlée of bra hooks and panty elastic shall we?!?

Once upon a time many moons ago in my pre-nautical years I was an immature, teenage knucklehead… still in high school & still-wet-behind-the-ears! How many of you out there remember those youthfully pubescent days when the only thing on your mind was gett’n down the pants of that cute little thing from across the class?!? You know the one… minding your own business… sitt’n at your desk and by golly outta know where you start pitch’n a tent… rubb’n up against the side of the desk try’n to relieve some traction!! It’s even worse when you’re wearing parachute pants… and it’s alive… The Fifth limb and it has a mind all of its own!! Yes at Sixteen… Seventeen years of age that lil’ blue-veined piccolo would dictate your very existence in life!!!

From preadolescence when he just popped in to say hello for no damned reason to that awkward moment in junior high school dancing with ‘Bonnie Big Boobs’ and her tantalizing torpedoes firmly pressed against you… as young men we learned that the other head has a brain all of its own!!!

I remember using textbooks to hide the ‘beef bayonet’ in that most awkward moment… then thinking ugly thoughts to make it go away! Try… ‘grandma naked’… the lunch lady with her ‘extra sloppy joes’… or bending the piss out of it until you reach penile fracture territory… oh the pain!!! I never quite figured out those Viagra & Cialis commercials… ‘Consult your doctor if you experience an erection lasting for longer than four hours… HELL any young ‘Red Blooded American Boy’ with an obscenely large collection of pornography can tell you the experience can last for more than five days!!!

So is it any wonder why a young man at that age is so eager to jump at every inkling when it comes to sex?!?
Then at the first notion… with that special young lady turns into the most awkward and clumsy moment where you become a mental mess try’n to figure out how to be cool…

“Is this your first time?”

“Awww, Hell no! I have sex all the time… fifty girls at least! Yeah… I’m the man!! Not all at once… but yeah… I get around!”

Ask any young man at that age the same question... pretty sure you'll get the same kind of answer...

Sooo… there was my moment! The plan was laid out… my girl and I had it all figured out!! We would sneak out one night and head on over to my buddy David’s house for a little rendezvous late at night!!  After talking a bit and listening to Kiss Destroyer’s Beth over and over again… I was Happy as a Baby in a Barrel of Tits!!!

We undressed… caressed each other… kissing & touching… and everything was going fine! Just as I got on top of her… I had to ask…

“Should I put on a rubber?”

“Yeah… I wish you would…”

and that was that! As soon as I put that raincoat on ol’ willy went soft on me…arousal but no lift… dried up & floppy… interest but no erection!! With a device made for the specific purpose of love making and I was limper than a piece of overcooked cannelloni!!!

… in my mind…

Oh God NO!! Get it together…  You were running a gauddamn marathon yesterday and now you wanna’ take a nap… on this most Holy Moment?!? Earlier you could cut diamonds you were so hard… watching Golden Girls for Christ sake… now this?!?”

After ten minutes of beating… rubbing and a complete lack of blood flow, my time had expired!! Getting it on at that moment was like try’n to shove a stick of butter up a wild cat’s ass with a hot poker!! It just wasn’t gonna happen!!!

Embarrassed and humiliated…

“Seriously. This has never happened before, I swear... I'm usually hard as a rock…”

… and that much was not a lie… as I apologized profusely!! It was just so embarrassing because I was so attracted to her and it seemed I had failed the test!!!

The situation was as screwed up as a Chicken noodle sandwich! I felt like a complete loser and total idiot! With her best friend hanging around outside with David… I knew the conversation would lead to my lack of manliness… you know… erectile dysfunction!! I could imagine them laughing profusely!! I felt defeated… hating every inch of my fully flaccid penis!!!

All I could think about at that moment was  how awkward and utterly mortifying it was going to be when I went back to school on Monday to face the crowd! I could only imagine what it was gonna be like…

“Schwing & a miss!!”

“Hey Swing… heard you were a few parts short of an erector set…Hahaha!!”

I put my gauddamned reputation on the line and this is what I get?!?”

Ladies… please understand, when a young man is in such a vulnerable position and ashamed of not keeping his member on the up & up… it’s a very sensitive situation!! Sooo much so that I chose to run away from home the very next day!! Yep… on Twenty-Six Dollars and a bag of sugar cubes, I was on my way up to Chicago… but that’s another story!!

I wasn’t prepared to be 180 degrees shy of heaven… no, no, no… I knew that the school yard was like the information exchange location for all gossip and rumored tales of idiocy! But eventually I found my way back home! Needless to say… she didn’t run around telling everyone about my ascension deficit disorder… no, we ended up going steady for a pretty long time after that…But… when I told David what happened… he told Danny… Danny told Steve… Steve told Jeff… and Jeff tells everybody!! That damned Jeff… never could keep his cott’n pick’n mouth shut!!! And there you have it…

“Hey Swinger… heard you were out to perform the ol’ Flacido Domingo!”

“So you took Gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics?”

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah… I know, I was serving up the boneless pork and a million other puns! You get the picture… But I think all of us fellas have been there a time or two… bouncing the ‘check of love’ right at that most intimate moment… trying to flex that wet noodle!! It’s as embarrassing as I’ll get… even more so than ‘Blue Balls’… but looking back, funnier than hell!!!

And remember to ask your Doctor if Cialis is right for you. Only take Cialis if you’re healthy as a horse & have no cardio-vascular issues! Cialis doesn’t protect you against sexually transmitted diseases like that case of herpes you caught from that one night with the big city hooker… you remember the one… oh yeah, you remember!! Common side effects, headache, nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, stroke, a gauddamned smile you just can’t get rid of… and piss’n off your neighbors after flipping your partner over and vigorously spinning her round & round like a merry-go-round while slapping her ass repeatedly making her howl at the moon… Sheeeeesh!! If only they had that stuff way back when!!!

Friday, April 5, 2013

'Cock In The Box'

The young Ensign calls the Chief on J-Dial…
This better be gauddamned important… What the hell is the matter?"  … asks the Chief.
"Well, I confiscated this jigsaw puzzle in Seaman Jimmy’s locker during health and comfort inspection and it's too hard to solve. None of the pieces seem to fit together and I can't find any edges."

"WTF… What's the picture of?"  … asks the Chief.

"Their's a big rooster on the box," …replies the Divo.

"All right," …says the Chief... "I'll be right down as soon as I finish my coffee."

As soon as Chief enters the Workcenter  he notices his first class in the corner with a shit eating grin and a couple other sailors in the back giggl’n under their breath! The Divo looks over and greets him by saying…
"Thanks for coming in Chief ." … then leads the Chief to the desk and shows him the jigsaw puzzle!

Chief looks at the puzzle and then turns to the Divo and says…
 "For Fuck's sake, you called me down over Cock in the Box??? Put the gauddamned cornflakes back in the box you and give it back to Seaman Jimmy you jackass!!!"

Thursday, April 4, 2013

'Sailor's Barber'

A Young Seaman walks into a barber shop and asks…
 "Bob Peters here? "
To which the barber replies…
 "Nope...  We just cut hair."