Wednesday, December 19, 2012

‘Bat Crazy Navy Wife’

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted too! I’d suckered women…  been suckered by women… had a 38 special pointed snug into my nutsack… slapped on both face & ass cheeks and chased outta the club by a few gals meaner than a hornets nest on fire!! There’d also been a time or two I was left high and dry with no pot to piss in!!!

But nothing could’a prepared me for marriage! They say marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes… well I still insist that I’d been drunk for several years… woke up sober one morning and found myself married wondering…

“How the hell did that happen!” 

Every time I see that episode of ‘Family Guy’ where Quagmire gets married I can’t help but relate… women marry men with the idea of changing them while men get married hoping the woman will never change?!? It never quite works out that way now does it?!?

In our younger years if I came home early my wife thought I was looking for something… if I came home late she’d be madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire swear’n I’d already had it… from somewhere else!!!  She once threw my cloths and all my belongings out the second story window of our apartment ‘cause I went out with the boys for a beer!! But now that we’re older… and I’m not as pretty as I used to be she ain’t so damned jealous and mean … I should’a learned it at a younger age when my mother chased her husband down the road in a night gown & robe with a rolling pin and a cigarette… no shitt!!!

A shipmate was tell’n me a Sea Story the other day about how the ship’s wive’s club came up all unannounced to meet the ship in Subic back in the day… Oh hell he didn’t even have to go any further than that and I knew this was gonna be a good one!! Can you imagine pulling the ship up to the pier in the PI with a bunch’a horny ‘Crackerjacks’ ready to hit the streets of Olongapo only to look down at the Quay wall…

“Son-of-a-Bitch… What the hell is she doing here?!?”

Does that situation ring any bells?!? I could only imagine the look on that poor sucker’s face… bring’n tears to his eyes!! 

It kinda reminds me of a fella I knew on the Chucky V years ago… when the ship was on deployment this fella had quite the time hang’n out on Magsaysay! So much in fact that his wife met the ship a week later in Singapore and the sad sack had mentioned he was feel’n a little funny down in the loins but didn’t think noth’n of it!! About another week later he had to go see the dock and get some of that there green serum stuck in his ass for the drippy dick!! What’s worse is he had to call and tell his wife about it… talk about shitt’n in your own nest!!!

Rumor had it his wife repackaged a gift full of crotch crickets when he got home…one of those ‘Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s rain’n kinda moments I guess!! Yep… he was up shit creek with outta paddle… that’s for sure!!!

Yeah… In Twenty-Three years I saw some pretty crazy if not unruly then unholy shit in my day… reminds me of another fella I once knew… we’ll call him ‘Vinny The Vulture’ … if you saw the fella you’d surely understand!

Now ‘Vinny The Vulture’ was one of them fellas who was really book smart but couldn’t poor piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel… FC2 Nato type… couldn’t make a plug for a dog’s asshole with a hardened piece-o’shit for a pattern… a ‘taco’ short of a fiesta if you know what I mean! I don’t remember how many times this fella flooded the NSSMS Magazine!! Well ol’  ‘Vinny The Vulture’ had a wife so gaudamned fugly we called her ‘Snaggletooth’… and let me tell you, she was wound up tighter than the girdle on a Sunday Church Minister’s wife at an all you can eat breakfast buffet!!  I’m talk’n tits caught in the wringer rung tight kind’a shit… crazier than a shithouse rat kind’a woman!! 

We’d been out to sea for a few weeks and this poor fella was dominated by this woman… pussy whipped beyond belief! Pull’n in everyone could notice her on the pier… hoot’n  and holler’n and making a seen!! Well… no sooner was the brow laid and outta nowhere here she comes barging into the ‘CIWS’ Mount no less…

“Where’s my Husband… Where’s my husband… I know he’s here somewhere!”

…All loud and Snaggletoothed and shit with her dress hiked halfway up her ass… looked like she’d been joy rid’n one of them bollards on the pier!! Scared the Holy Bu-jeeezus outta the lot of us sitt’n in the Mount… scream’n and yell’n like he was hiding from her… hell, we he had to call him up to come and calm her down… she was batshit crazy!!! … I could never figure it out… I’d be standing Officer Of the Deck 1200-1600 and I shit you not this woman would be call’n three or four times wanting to know when her husband was gett’n off and could she leave a message… we’d have the message board filled with little yellow stickies to FC2 ‘Vinny The Vulture’… stacks of e’m… crazy… batshit crazy!!! They say that love is blind… but marriage is a real ‘eye opener’…

But that was noth’n like the time me and one of my running mates met up with a couple of gals who took us to a late night party in Bremerton… around 90’-91’! Passed out on the living room floor I was woken up by a slurp’ slurp’ slurp’… only to look over and see lil’ miss Neil & Bob on a fellow Crackerjack at the other side of the room!! She finished… got up and walked into the kitchen… came back through the living room and walked outta the front door with a paper bag in her hand…

“Hey Shippy… where’s she going?”

“Oh her husband’s on the Nimitz and he works all weekend… she’s just bring’n him some lunch!”

WTF’ Over!!! Hell, I didn’t even ask… She didn’t even bother to brush her teeth… gurgle some water… wipe her mouth or noth’n!! Poor fella probably went to kiss his wife and got the nasty end of some other fellas man butter… uggghh!! True story… I ain’t bullshitt’n!! You couldn’t make that stuff up!! I gotta say that gal was lower than a snake in a wagon track!!!

Another situation comes to mind of more recent times as one of my fellow Chiefs got himself in a pickle with his marriage… I won’t mention names to protect the guilty… but this is one of those ‘Jump’n outta the fry’n pan and into the fire’ kinda moments!!!

Now just before his retirement… this fella was telling me how his wife had went to the previous Skipper when he was cheating on her… but Skippy wouldn’t do anything about it! So after many days and nights of painful arguments he eventually left his wife for this other gal who ended up being a real basket case! Now keep in mind we were in Maine when this all took place… Now a year later we’re in Everett, Washington and he left that crazy bitch from Maine and moved back in with his wife but the basket case followed him all the way cross country!! If things couldn’t get any worse she slashed his tires… keyed his car… called the cops on him several times… terrorized his family… called him over and over causing problems… (sounds like one of them lifetime movies your wife makes you watch don’t it?!?)… then one night after a few too many drinks he went to hunt this crazy bitch down and got pulled over for a DUI! Now ol’ Skippy wants to do something about it… he wants it to be painful!! Not only did the Skipper want to dress the Chief’s ass down for the DUI but he was gonna have him busted for adultery as well… that was before his wife showed up on the Quarterdeck wanting to give the Skipper an earful…

“I’d already came to this Command when my husband messed around and you sons-a-bitches didn’t want to get involved! Now we’re back together and that bitch is all crazy up in this shit and now you wanna bust my husband? Hell no you ain’t bust’n my husband!! Now your mess’n with my money… my retirement! I’ll be all over the six o’clock news with this shit if you don’t get on point! “

Damn!!! … Needless to say my fellow Chief got to leave with his rank intact… though he didn’t get his retirement ceremony that was promised… but that was small potatoes and I guess he could thank his wife for saving his ass on that one!!!

Hahaha… I once heard that a man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married… and years later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!! But thankful for my friend things worked out for the better!!!

Yep… I’ve ridden the Rollercoaster of Marriage… and I’ve watched many others do the same… Can’t tell ya how many times I’ve visualized the duct tape over my wife’s mouth! You know she’s really easy to get along with as long as I see things her way… isn’t that always the case gentlemen?!?  Every time I disagree with her…

“And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?” 

Once while recruiting in the field I was having some marital problems and ‘Big Navy’ directed me to seek marriage counseling… of course my wife wouldn’t come so it did no good…

I didn’t marry the Navy, I married you! There’s noth’n a counselor can tell me that I don’t already know and I can give you that advice for free!!”

I mean I’ve always wondered… If a man is standing in the middle of the woods complaining and there’s no wife around to hear what he’s got to say… is he still wrong?!? Really… all we want is a piece of mind and a lil’ bit of that honey pot to keep us from look’n elsewhere… but the chance of routinely gett’n laid after marriage is about the same as the number of ‘R’s in ‘Fatt Ass Chance’… you might as well buy a house every ten years and give it to some gal you can’t stand… it’s cheaper they say!!!

… I don’t know maybe I’ve become Pussy Whipped over the years… I’ve been in the dog house so many times that when I meet another shipmate I don’t know whether to shake his hand or sniff his ass!!

When I first met my wife her sister told me to stay away and that I had no idea what a bitch she really was… yet after all these years I found I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about her…

I guess that’s why marriage is kinda like the Navy… ‘It's not just a Job... It's an Adventure!'


  1. I remember setting up a bachelors party in the PI. It was a nice weekend event. Rented out the "house" mama-san was happy the girls were happy hell everyone was happy. Until some idiot talked about it and it got back to the prospective Mrs. She called the whole thing off made threats against his pay his life. Then she had some friends pay me a visit. Yeah I just think of the money and aggravation I saved that shipmate in the long run and say the bruises were well worth it.

  2. COMNAVWIFECOM still puts out the daily directives and marching orders in my house!!!

  3. A guy in our division's wife had a kid about the same time his girlfriend in San Diego did. Things were fine until 5 or 6 years later. You see the 2 boys looked enough alike to be twins. Then one day his wife found a picture of hid girlfriend and the "twin" in his wallet.