Monday, April 8, 2013

‘Limping Along’

Some of you might think I’m crazy as a shithouse rat writing all these memoires about our younger years! Well… that’s because most of you remember most of these comedies & tragedies… as some take us back to life’s biggest humiliations!! But to a good natured fella such as me, humorous memories like these should be cherished… even enshrined!!!

So I figured after the ‘ol’ Blue Ball’ story this would be a good time to tell another no shitter from my High School years!  So let’s continue with the mêlée of bra hooks and panty elastic shall we?!?

Once upon a time many moons ago in my pre-nautical years I was an immature, teenage knucklehead… still in high school & still-wet-behind-the-ears! How many of you out there remember those youthfully pubescent days when the only thing on your mind was gett’n down the pants of that cute little thing from across the class?!? You know the one… minding your own business… sitt’n at your desk and by golly outta know where you start pitch’n a tent… rubb’n up against the side of the desk try’n to relieve some traction!! It’s even worse when you’re wearing parachute pants… and it’s alive… The Fifth limb and it has a mind all of its own!! Yes at Sixteen… Seventeen years of age that lil’ blue-veined piccolo would dictate your very existence in life!!!

From preadolescence when he just popped in to say hello for no damned reason to that awkward moment in junior high school dancing with ‘Bonnie Big Boobs’ and her tantalizing torpedoes firmly pressed against you… as young men we learned that the other head has a brain all of its own!!!

I remember using textbooks to hide the ‘beef bayonet’ in that most awkward moment… then thinking ugly thoughts to make it go away! Try… ‘grandma naked’… the lunch lady with her ‘extra sloppy joes’… or bending the piss out of it until you reach penile fracture territory… oh the pain!!! I never quite figured out those Viagra & Cialis commercials… ‘Consult your doctor if you experience an erection lasting for longer than four hours… HELL any young ‘Red Blooded American Boy’ with an obscenely large collection of pornography can tell you the experience can last for more than five days!!!

So is it any wonder why a young man at that age is so eager to jump at every inkling when it comes to sex?!?
Then at the first notion… with that special young lady turns into the most awkward and clumsy moment where you become a mental mess try’n to figure out how to be cool…


“Is this your first time?”

“Awww, Hell no! I have sex all the time… fifty girls at least! Yeah… I’m the man!! Not all at once… but yeah… I get around!”

Ask any young man at that age the same question... pretty sure you'll get the same kind of answer...

Sooo… there was my moment! The plan was laid out… my girl and I had it all figured out!! We would sneak out one night and head on over to my buddy David’s house for a little rendezvous late at night!!  After talking a bit and listening to Kiss Destroyer’s Beth over and over again… I was Happy as a Baby in a Barrel of Tits!!!

We undressed… caressed each other… kissing & touching… and everything was going fine! Just as I got on top of her… I had to ask…


“Should I put on a rubber?”

“Yeah… I wish you would…”


and that was that! As soon as I put that raincoat on ol’ willy went soft on me…arousal but no lift… dried up & floppy… interest but no erection!! With a device made for the specific purpose of love making and I was limper than a piece of overcooked cannelloni!!!

… in my mind…


Oh God NO!! Get it together…  You were running a gauddamn marathon yesterday and now you wanna’ take a nap… on this most Holy Moment?!? Earlier you could cut diamonds you were so hard… watching Golden Girls for Christ sake… now this?!?”

After ten minutes of beating… rubbing and a complete lack of blood flow, my time had expired!! Getting it on at that moment was like try’n to shove a stick of butter up a wild cat’s ass with a hot poker!! It just wasn’t gonna happen!!!

Embarrassed and humiliated…


“Seriously. This has never happened before, I swear... I'm usually hard as a rock…”


… and that much was not a lie… as I apologized profusely!! It was just so embarrassing because I was so attracted to her and it seemed I had failed the test!!!


The situation was as screwed up as a Chicken noodle sandwich! I felt like a complete loser and total idiot! With her best friend hanging around outside with David… I knew the conversation would lead to my lack of manliness… you know… erectile dysfunction!! I could imagine them laughing profusely!! I felt defeated… hating every inch of my fully flaccid penis!!!

All I could think about at that moment was  how awkward and utterly mortifying it was going to be when I went back to school on Monday to face the crowd! I could only imagine what it was gonna be like…

“Schwing & a miss!!”

“Hey Swing… heard you were a few parts short of an erector set…Hahaha!!”

I put my gauddamned reputation on the line and this is what I get?!?”

Ladies… please understand, when a young man is in such a vulnerable position and ashamed of not keeping his member on the up & up… it’s a very sensitive situation!! Sooo much so that I chose to run away from home the very next day!! Yep… on Twenty-Six Dollars and a bag of sugar cubes, I was on my way up to Chicago… but that’s another story!!

I wasn’t prepared to be 180 degrees shy of heaven… no, no, no… I knew that the school yard was like the information exchange location for all gossip and rumored tales of idiocy! But eventually I found my way back home! Needless to say… she didn’t run around telling everyone about my ascension deficit disorder… no, we ended up going steady for a pretty long time after that…But… when I told David what happened… he told Danny… Danny told Steve… Steve told Jeff… and Jeff tells everybody!! That damned Jeff… never could keep his cott’n pick’n mouth shut!!! And there you have it…

“Hey Swinger… heard you were out to perform the ol’ Flacido Domingo!”

“So you took Gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics?”

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah… I know, I was serving up the boneless pork and a million other puns! You get the picture… But I think all of us fellas have been there a time or two… bouncing the ‘check of love’ right at that most intimate moment… trying to flex that wet noodle!! It’s as embarrassing as I’ll get… even more so than ‘Blue Balls’… but looking back, funnier than hell!!!

And remember to ask your Doctor if Cialis is right for you. Only take Cialis if you’re healthy as a horse & have no cardio-vascular issues! Cialis doesn’t protect you against sexually transmitted diseases like that case of herpes you caught from that one night with the big city hooker… you remember the one… oh yeah, you remember!! Common side effects, headache, nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, stroke, a gauddamned smile you just can’t get rid of… and piss’n off your neighbors after flipping your partner over and vigorously spinning her round & round like a merry-go-round while slapping her ass repeatedly making her howl at the moon… Sheeeeesh!! If only they had that stuff way back when!!!


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