Tuesday, February 18, 2014

‘Dumbest of the Dirty Rotten Scoundrels’

I’m tinkering with the idea of scribbl’n a manuscript about the Dumbest of the Dirty Rotten Scoundrels in the Ol’ Canoe Club that I’d ever known through the years! A compilation of all the stupid individuals, thick headed crazy sons-a-bitches and lowest forms of communicable trailer trash that had ever donned the White Hat-Crackerjack combo over the last thirty years!! Some people can make your stomach churn like a Maytag washer on rinse cycle. One fella in particular comes to mind… back in my recruiting days!!!

In the world of recruiting where you’re at the point you can sit down with a young man and brag about seagoing Mardi Gras & Spring Break like liberty where all the girls have perky titties with heart shaped butts in every port just waiting for their American Crackerjack! And how we all have custom leather crew chairs in front of the lounge fireplace or how we play shuffleboard on the poopdeck right after evening chow before taking in a movie on the 70’ widescreen with surround sound and the moonlit luaus with ukulele music & blah, blah, blah… you get the message!! It’s about sell’n ice cubes to Eskimos… and you were either good at it or you weren’t!!!

In the case of … we’ll call him Bubba to protect me in case he ever gets outta jail… this fella was about a Six foot Three Two-hundred Fifty pound big ol’ Cowboy type who looked like he rode a trusty horse yell’n … ‘Hi Ho Silver Away’… while roping things & shoot’n up Indians & catch’n train robbers & sing’n country western tunes to the tumble weeds and slapp’n saloon girls on the butt in the cutest whorehouses in Texas kinda way!! But this fella didn’t know his butt from the proverbial manhole!!!

His Recruiter-In-Charge, RINC, asked if we could do anything with him and sent him up for a day or two from Muskogee to Tulsa so we could break the ice and gett’m out hitt’n the pavement so to say! I was sent out to the local mall with this fella just to get him to shake a few hands and introduce himself to some strangers… a little ‘How Ya doing, my name is Bubba!’… type of thing!!

The first opportunity I got to see this fella in action he just about blew an ‘O’ ring outta his ass… damaged a couple internal valves and turned his equilibrium slide scope indicator inside out!! Then he went temporarily blind while his gills turned fire engine red... and high pressure steam vapor came outta his ears as his sweat pumps went into hyper-overdrive!! One more moment and he surely would’ve went into cardiac overload!!!

Being so irrevocably terrified of them there scary beasts known as civilians should have effectively ended his recruiting career... every time I’d try to get him to approach some young fella it would trigger some sort of ‘wet-my-pants’ episode from the big ol’ boy! Yep… he was about as useless as the front pocket of them there tidy whities you got on!! The big dumb son-of-a-bitch was scared of his own shadow!!!

It wasn’t long after that I donned the anchors and was sent to the Muskogee station to be their RINC! I was quick to assess this was an outfit loaded with huckleberry misfits pulling weekend shenanigans like an eighty year old whore doing tricks at the local nursing home! Only a stupid son-of-a-bitch would think this was a step up in the recruiting world!! They were a group of semi-literate bozos I tell ya!! I felt like a foreman at a retard house!!!

It was like going from a slick brand new Cadillac to a rusty ol’ jalopy with a four-banger leak’n oil out the head gasket!!  I went from a ten minute walk to my place of business to a forty-five minute drive down the Muskogee Turnpike… man they weren’t kidding when they sang about the Okie from Muskogee!! There were some backwoods sons-a-bitches up in that area… and some of the fellas in my office were even worse!!!

It was a miserable experience heading the office in the outlands of Hickville, Oklahoma but I couldn’t complain about it to my peers… that’d be like renouncing your membership in the Chief’s Mess! Like telling everyone you underwent some transsexual conversion!!!

Between the senior fella, the previous RINC, who insisted on wearing them ‘Billy Bob’ hillbilly teeth to every interview and another harassing truck drivers in bathroom stalls at the local truck stop… I had more than my hands full just try’n to get Bubba up and running!!!

Then one day ol’ Bubba comes into the office all teary eyed and red in the face…

“Bubba… what the hell’s wrong with you? A big ol’ boy like you and your cry’n like a bitch… what gives?!?

“Chief… my wife is gonna leave me and she wants to take the kids away from me too!”

AAH Hell… those are words that any man can understand! You can step on my pride and you can take away the joy in life but don’t try to run away with my pride & joy!!

“Well Bubba you know what they say… marriage ain’t a word… it’s a life sentence!”

A little humor cheered him up a bit…

“I never knew real happiness until I got married… then it was too late!”

“Yeah Chief she says I pass gas too much… but I told her she would too if she’d shut up long enough to build up the pressure!!”


Yeah, it didn’t take long for ol’ Bubba to crawl out of his shell once the wife left him! He got himself another girlfriend and everything seemed to be working well!! At this point I had existed miserably at the Muskogee station for nearly a year before I got orders to run one of the stations in Tulsa… definitely a move up in the world!! But it only took about three or four months before I got a call from the NRD Command Master Chief…

“Chief Swing… I need you to get in your vehicle and head down to Muskogee!”

“What’s up Master Chief?”

“Your boy Bubba is getting complaints about trash in his garage from his neighbors and I need you to go handle it!”

“Roger that…”

And so I was off haul’n boogie down the Muskogee Turnpike through the balmy fog like an unstable meteorite weaving through traffic reaching terminal velocity heading down the trail as fast as I could!! As soon as I showed up Bubba was already wait’n for me!!!

“So Bubba… the command called and said your gett’n complaints for having a filthy garage!”

“It ain’t filthy Chief… I’ll take you to it!”

“Well alright then…”

… And so we headed to his house! Once we got there and he opened his garage it was less of a filthy mess and more like a mountain of beer cans… BEER CANS by the tens of thousands… a mountain of beer cans about four feet high!

“So Chief… how do you like my collection?”

“I don’t think I’d call this a collection… more like the beginnings of a hoarding experiment gone wrong! You might be able to get on one of them TV shows or something… but we’ve got to get this cleaned up!”

And from there we got a truck and took all them beer cans to the recycling plant!

“Bubba… why’d you have so many beer cans… you got some sort’a drink’n problem?”

“Chief I don’t have a drink’n problem… I just figured if I had enough toilet paper, beens & weenies and beer… then if there’s ever a zombie apocalypse or something I gotta have what I need to sustain me right? Besides didn’t you find my beer can mountain very artistic?!?”

“Oh you mean your useful collection of beer cans… Bubba… the fact no one understands you and the things you do it don’t make you an artist… sheesh!”

And that was that… so I thought…

A few more months go by and I get another call from you guessed it…  NRD Command Master Chief!

“Chief Swing… just wait until you hear this! Your boy Bubba found himself in Jail last night!”


“Apparently after guzzling copious amounts of alcohol he intentionally set fire to his house with his kids in it… and I want you to go visit him in jail and find out what he has to say about this!”

And so there I was off haul’n boogie down the Muskogee Turnpike… Again!!!

I get to the jailhouse in Muskogee and meet up with ol’ Bubba through the glass window as he proceeds to tell me how he got in an argument with his girlfriend over her dog piss’n in the house and in a drunken rage fueled with prescription pain killers he brought a can of gasoline in from the garage and doused the dogs collar in the middle of the living room and lit it on fire!!!

“Well Chief… after that, somewhere along the line, the local Muskogee Gestapo arrived in cars like a buncha’ Ringling Brothers Circus clowns with weapons drawn & ready to shoot!”

… A disdained look on my face…

“… and the fire trucks were coming from all directions… they made a mountain out of a mole hill!”

“What the fuck Bubba… you think you have a God given ‘Get Out Of Jail Free Card?”

Yes… from there he was booked into the Muskogee County jail on first-degree arson charges as well as attempted murder with the kids in the house! It just goes to show the alcohol combined with his naturally inherent stupidity had robbed him of any knowledge that the good people who wrote the law left no room for idiots who start fires in the middle of their living room!!!

Once he went through the initial court proceedings it was later found out the dumb son-of-a-bitch was married to two women… apparently he’d never divorced his first wife for reasons unknown to me… and in the process managed to marry this ‘girlfriend’ no one knew he was married too! So of course the NRD Command Master Chief asks me…

“Chief Swing… how did you not know he was married to two women?”

“I’d been gone from Muskogee for eight months… hell the hell am I supposed to know?”

Why the hell he’d want to be married to two wives… as if one bitch’n at you ain’t more than enough… now you got two mother-in-laws to boot! Yeah that boy was about as crooked as a barrel of fish hooks and about as low down as whale shit!! If the son-of-a-bitch is out of jail by now… I suppose he’s somewhere play’n gin rummy as a repo-man or a dirty insurance claims adjuster of some sort!! I guess God must have loved idiots...he made so damned many of them!! But I suppose that’s one of the charges I must’ve overlooked when I became a Chief… look out after idiots!!!

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