Tuesday, March 4, 2014

'Batmans Deja 'Vu'

I have no idea if this is true...a handcrafted myth....fabricated artificial horse manure or what, but there’s an urban legend about a young Crackerjack soliciting a prostitute or bar room floozy when he goes to one of them rent by the hour roach motels and she somehow entices him to let her tie him up to the bed face down!  After stealing his clothes & wallet, a big black man, in reference to his 12-inch mamba, dressed in a cape & batman outfit jumps out the closet and butt rapes the poor fella… leaving him hopelessly nekkit and bleeding requiring some thirty bazillion stitches to the anus, in some versions… a bad case of the HIV!!!

I know… I know… how I would love to know the odds of that happening...it’d have to be astronomical… but I'd be lying if I said the idea didn't scare the living shit outta me!!!
Now somewhere in the early years of my first memories on the Chucky ‘V’ we were dry docked in Bremerton, WA and a few of us low level bottom feeders had been sequestered to give the ol’ Canoe Club a good name working volunteer stuff at the Seattle Seafair! While shacking up at the old Sand Point Naval Base we’d work hard putting up bleachers by day and head downtown Seattle to party at night!! One of the rapscallions I was hang’n with thought it a good idea to check out the Dejavu A-go-go near Pike Place Market!!

Now I gotta tell you…

I loved go-go bars… I mean I really loved them… so much I could probably write a book about lap dances all in one novel!! I’d patronized go-go bars that have since succumbed to the wrecking ball... I graduated Magna Cum Laude from the Naval Institute of Pornographic Women Watchers! There was a time I could tell you the best strip joints from Vancouver BC to the southernmost tip of Baja Mexico!! It is a thankless, rarely appreciated job hang’n out in seedy titty bars!!!

With that being said, the strip club is an iniquitous collection of attractive women with big beautiful twin peaks!   This would lend credence to the large abundance of nudie magazines you’d find onboard one of them naval vessels!! Once a hefty cover charge was paid, we went inside as they showed us to a round booth where the ladies could drop their undies for an unspecified amount of cash, in advance… we’re talk’n about the potential to drop two or three weeks pay in five or six hours!! Since this joint did not serve alcohol they could do that sort’a thing and I remember being damned sober so it doesn’t escape my perceptual vision at all what so ever no sir…

And there she was… the dancer with the world class bust! Let me tell you, this naughty vixen had a pair on par with the Seven Wonders of the World!! Now there’s only five ‘cause the two she was carry’n around bumped off the other two!! No genuinely certified gal could possibly be built like that… sublimely fashioned & perfectly round & lifted… not without the surgical enhancement of a cosmetic surgeon!!!

She was one hell of a vision of loveliness with those Mobius Titanicus Tatas! Play’n motorboat with them buoys might of put you in the emergency room with a cardiac arrest!! As Christopher Walken would say…

“She’s about yay taaall… fairly easy… on the eyes!”

Now I’m here to tell you that mama didn’t raise no fool… and unless your wealthy, in a Rock-n-Roll Band, or a famous name in the motion picture business… there’s no way in the deepest levels of hell I was gonna get lucky with this gal… unless I had a rather large quantity of cocaine… but that was out of the question! But somehow we struck up a conversation and I got the story of how she just started as a dancer & she just broke up with her ex-boyfriend who was a marine and… ‘Walla’… that was my in!! Being a Crackerjack sailor… and marines just love to hate us sailor types… I figured I could use that as an angle and… it worked like a champ!!!

Before the night was over I got my ‘for a good time’ girl’s phone number written on one of them cocktail napkins and we were set for a date! Now being new to the area and living on enough dinero to barely scrape by, I didn’t own a car so she had to be my ride… how unfortunate… but she didn’t seem to mind as we rode up into somewhere known as the Capital Hill area!!

We headed into this joint she frequented and said I’d have fun in this here place… as we walked in she picked a couple stools at the bar and nothing seemed outta the ordinary at first… nothing to be too concerned about… other than the men’s head was so packed fellas were gett’n pressed up against the urinals… or the typical inconspicuous signs of male bonding…

“Wait a minute… why aren’t there any women in here?”

I started noticing how all the patrons were either alone or with another male friend… and I started to feel like I was having one of them ‘Blue Oyster Bar’ Police Academy moments!! I didn’t see any frolicking fairies in Speedos or any really light in the loafers type of fellas… but I just assumed that walking into a gay bar it’d be filled with a bunch’a Village People look alikes!!!

Then a big fella in a leather jacket with an earring in his nose sat next to me…

“Don’t sit next to me... Don’t sit next to me… Don’t sit next to me… OOOH shit he’s sitt’n next to me!!!”

Then I realized… this ain’t no biker dressed in leather and this ain’t no regular bar… it’s a sausage fest!! And in a Sudden and flustered voice…

“There's something wrong here...Wait a minute… Everyone in here's a dude! I think we're in a gay club!"

She looked at me with a smirk on her face…

“So… you got a problem with that?”

I think she got her kicks out of watching me squirm while figuring it out! I should’ve reckoned as much… most of these stripper gals could probably be institutionalized for their varying degrees of craziness! She’d already told me how she was sexually abused as a child and had a few bisexual flings!! She was a jaded beauty who probably got off on watching a domesticated animal such as myself get introduced to the wildlife she was accustomed too!! It just didn’t sit well being in a place where everybody knows your ‘flame’… and feeling at risk of turning up as a majorette in the Seattle Gay Pride Parade I pleaded with her  to get us the hell outta there!!!

She found the whole scenario pretty gauddamned amusing cracking on me all the way to her apartment when she stopped and asked if I’d like to come in for a nightcap!! All the sudden I had visions of the Batman scenario twisting around in my head!!

“Thought you were smart
Bought you a heart
Then came Batman through the dark
Instead of fucking that stupid slut
You got twelve Inches up your butt

Batman!  Batman!
Batman!  Batman!

Saw Batman the butt ripper
I’ll rip your butt like a can opener
Batman the butt ripper
I’ll use your butt like a can opener man!”

So I politely declined and told her how I had to get back to the base for a 0400 hours reveille! All be damned… you see what I just did there?!? I Cockblocked myself!! How many of you sons-a-bitches ever do that… because of an urban legend even?!? Imagine if I’d went in with her that night… that could’ve been  a story my Daddy would’ve been proud of!!!

Hell after my Lola Moment from another story I think I would’ve Gone into seclusion…  painting myself all up with radar absorption paint...and hiding out in a cave somewhere in Katmandu... always looking for love in all the wrong places!!  I would’ve hated to be sexually converted and end up the seventh member of the village people!! Ignorance is bliss when you’re Twenty-young years old!!!

Of course the boys back in the barracks got an earful of my sexcapades and how we did the horizontal mambo on her kitchen floor… what else was I gonna tell the trash talk’n world class pain in the ass sons-a-bitches who revile in giving you a hard time!! That’s when I realized I  needed to tighten my screws and learn the rudimentary elements of compliance in good morality and discipline… aaaaw shit, who am I kidd’n?!? Ya’ll know me better than that… shiiiiiaaattt!!!

And just to think… I almost named this lil’ yarn how not to Cockblock yourself!!!


  1. As always, you crack me up Dan. I guess it doesn't matter which Navy you served with, there is a well known victim of Batman, in the RAN a certain PTI was the alleged assaultee! It seems you and I travelled similar paths in different hemispheres as your stories always evoke strong feelings of deja-vu!

    1. Aye... I had a runningmate in CIWS School, San Diego named Stevo from the Royal Aussie Navy! We had some great stories!!

  2. I think that Batman story has reached every fraternity of brothers that ever walked the face of the Earth... Still funny!

  3. Yep, I've heard different versions of this one over the years. Thanks for retelling with your own spin!