Monday, January 25, 2016

‘How To Skate’

Having a positive attitude is important in the ol’ Canoe Club as all skaters know the Navy sucks! That's why they always try to find new ways to skate… get away with stuff!!!

Despite the fact being on a boat sucks, you have to maintain a positive attitude! I know it's really hard sometimes!! Having a positive attitude directly affects your charm on other people!! If you're constantly negative, certain people will notice that and that will be the first thing they will pin on when you enter the room!!!

Remember Seaman Schmukatelli?!? So negative... and see how people react to him?!?

Then there is the old ‘excuse method’ of skating! Every skater knows how to utilize this tactic…

"I can't go and do activity A because I have to do activity B!”

Knowing that B would be the easier of the two activities!! This technique doesn't always work!! It's one of the oldest ways to skate and all Chiefs know about it!!
Some chiefs counter this by saying something along the lines…

"Well, activity A is higher priority… so go and do that… now!"

The advantages of working REALLY FUCKIN' SLOOOWWW...if you ever get caught in a situation import to, let’s say, fix something and liberty for everybody in your work center depends on it! If you work REALLY SLOW on purpose, eventually, people in your division will get anxious to go on liberty and help you out!! I wouldn't recommend this, if it's something easy to take care of... But, if you really have no clue whatsoever on how to fix it...then, use this method!!!

Using Medical and Dental to get out of work is pretty self-explanatory! Make an appointment with either department can get you out of work a while import!! This skate method is really easy to abuse!! Don't do it too much because people will notice after a while!! Plus, there's the UCMJ article that defines this… Malingering!! But, you're a skater remember?!? Who really cares about you enough to try and use the UCMJ against you!!!

The classics... Looking busy all the time is the most trusted of the classic methods of skating! Pretending to study for PQS or pretending to be cleaning something when Chief is around!! These stupid little tactics STILL work TODAY!!!

When you're underway... it's nice to know how your work center and division really operate! This is a must if you intend to exploits them!! You know certain times of the day when you can just straight up vanish with minimal impact on you!! This can only come with experience!! A good skater knows how his division operates inside and out!!!

Next is learning how to disable your Work center Supervisor! Say, you have a Work center Supervisor that you know, from experience, is the type of person that likes to tell you to do things as soon as he sees you!! Well, how do you counter this?!? Simple, you need to know what that person likes so when he walks in you can attempt to change the subject on him immediately (or, just straight up take over the conversation from the start) and make him totally forget that he wanted you to do something!! This is a really good skill to master as you can use this to get out of lots of situations, disable certain evil CPOs and officers when you see them in the p-ways!!! But do it fast before they even have a chance to get a word out at you!!!

Minimize the time spent around khakis! I used to use this method a lot!! This is really good if you suck at disabling them!! I'd go so far as to say, you shouldn't even joke around with the ‘Cool’ khakis in your duty section!! Because, if you're on duty, and something needs to be done ASAP, chances of him calling on you are significantly higher as he feels he knows you and uses this scheme to empower you… but don’t fall for it!!!

Well, that's all I can think of at the moment! Feel free to add in any Top Secret Skating Tactics that y'all might know about!! Remember, everybody in the Navy has some slacker in them… Yes, even Chiefs and Officers! You need to find ways to exploit that!!!

PQS is also a way to skate! It’s one of those insanely simple tasks as all you do is go around and ask for signatures!  You listen to the other guy rant about how much he knows… then you go to the next person!! It’s also a great way to pace the PQS!! You can get it done real quick which does you no favors, or you can slow it down over a really long period just before becoming delinquent!! If it gets to the point where there is so much focused on you completing your PQ, they don't think about anything else when they see you!! Just before you become delinquent you finish that PQS and start another simple, but required one that you can draw out for a really long time!! This is kind of risky, because you can get trapped in your own scheme!! However, with time and practice, you'll soon be able to master it!!!

Last but not Least… always have a decent or squared away uniform! It gives the appearance you know what you’re doing!! So good luck out there skaters… and next lesson we’ll discuss butt sharking and brown nosing… same but not same, same!!!


  1. Walking fast while carrying tools always worked for me.

  2. I am sure this will date me but when I was on active duty PMS (Planned Maintenance System) cards were still being used. I hope by now they have found a better way. But to secure a fan in a fan room you had to go to DCC and follow through with getting all the half dozen signatures needed to secure that circuit. Then you had to get all the signatures to turn it back on again. So basically it would take 4 hours to do a 15 minute job of cleaning a fan because you had to run around the whole ship finding everyone who had to sign. Some guys would gun deck it secure the circuit and sign all the signatures themselves. The smart ones would use the extra time to skate. The not so savvy ones would go get the next PMS card to complete. But I didn't gun deck. I followed the card to the letter. Running around the ship getting signatures was like skating to me.

  3. carry around a clipboard, official looking paper and pen, look at the overhead (petending to follow piping or wireing), if asked point to clipboard and say i'm doing this

    1. Exactly. As a bluejacket, a tool bag, as a khaki, a clipboard.