If you were the parent of a young lady within a fifty mile radius of the Great Lakes Naval Base you were well versed in the ancient art of donning Chastity Belts!! The fair young maidens of Waukegan, Illinois and the surrounding area were more persuaded toward the type of fella who wore civilian clothes 24/7 and didn’t have a chance of moving cross country in the next month or two…
“Don’t shit in your own nest!” … or was it … “Don’t shit where you eat!”
It was someth’n or rather of the sort… But when you’re nineteen and hornier than a three ‘Peckered Billy Goat’ then a young female type ‘Crackerjack’ in the barracks hall was look’n really good…
I remember walk’n through the barracks Quarterdeck and gett’n a whiff of some of that fresh squeeze perfume, when some tender young thing in her tight navy skirt and Double ‘D’ Bosoms ready to pop outta that white blouse!!! The next thing you knew you were root’n through your barracks room for a set of whites and heading to the Helm Club like a cocky rooster in a hen house...
There were some Navy gals who were known for sharing their delights with numerous young men on a lonely night. I’m sure a few fellas have stories of laying alongside a soft young gal on a chilly night doing things that’d set a Karma Sutra sex manual on fire. One gal was so caught up in carnal contortionism she was dismissed from the ol’ Canoe Club for poor gynecological hygiene… so the story goes anyway!!!
Soooo once you headed to the Helm Club there was noth’n but wall to wall Squid Row… male and female!!! These feminine Crackerjacks… they weren’t fancy & they weren’t sophisticated… and you had your choice… ‘Lady Enginemen’… uglier than a baboon’s butt, ‘Lil Sally Twidget’… usually smarter than she looks and ain’t gonna let you in them panties anytime soon… and what we frequently referred to as ‘The Corp Whore’… not gonna say they were all that way but I didn’t give them the name, it was there before I got there…
Corp Whore was the endearing name given to the female Corpsman on the south side of base. They all had to come to our side to visit the club and there was quite a ratio a females to males on the other end so us folks from the northern tribe had a little bit of extra charm for the ladies!!!
We bought ’em drinks and danced with them… tell’n stories from back home and spread’n our diversivication!! After a few beers and some touchy feely under the table it would be time to call it a night…
Next thing you knew we were head’n out the door with one of those gals happier than a baby in bag of tits searching for some cohabital space! Young Navy Crackerjacks sure ain’t known for their sensitivity of location when it comes to gett’n a little nooky… Barracks parking lots, behind the bushes, the bandstand in front of the Admiral’s building on the parade field, in any dark place you could find… didn't matter. A few beers and some adventure up a military regulation blouse… that’s all that mattered!!!
On this one particular night with this one particular young lady who was just a little bit country… think she was from Texas… ‘had me doin’ all sorts of country bumpkin dancing… and she got me harder than a woodpecker’s lips before we even head out the door!!!
Hell before we could get halfway down the road I had her blouse unbuttoned and she’d ripped my front pocket out of my whites… There was a little cubby-hole on the south side of the base pool where we had a lil’ hanky-panky up against the wall but too many passer byes look’n to do the same thing I suppose!!!
So we headed further south towards Corpside and found a little wooden trail going down a ravine by the bridge to the bowling alley! We walked down a wooden stairwell where there was a dog pen… suppose that was for the police dogs…
Now if your eyes, ears, and imagination are too vivid, you might wanna skip this next part…
So there we were stripp’n down butt nekkit try’n every which way we could to find that comfortable position on a wooden deck… have you ever tried to do the ‘double slap butt nekkit watusi’ on a wooden deck before?!?! It’s kind’a hard on the knees!!!
We’d been going at it and work’n up a sweat for a good ten minutes when out of nowhere about a dozen or so flood lights came shining down outta the trees… It was like prime time at the Super Bowl with my pants around my ankles and her blouse all wrapped around my arm…
Knowing we were in deep shit we grabbed our clothes and went running down the ravine up to the side of the hill underneath the bridge… it was wet-n-muddy with over grown grass and we were both struggling to get our clothes back on… keep in mind these were summer whites!!!
I got up the side of the bridge first and right there at the top was a base police car just wait’n for me shining his flashlight in my face…
“Son, what are you doing down there at this time of night?”
I must’ve had a whole kaleidoscope of animated facial expressions…
“I was just down there with my girlfriend taking a walk!”
Trying not to lie too much but knowing we weren’t supposed to be down there…
“Well where’s the girl?”
We must’ve waited for a long ten minutes before one of the police cars found her…
“Well they found your girl hiding behind some cinder blocks. Apparently she hurt her ankle… do you want a ride to the hospital so you can check up on her?”
Ahh hell, I’d known this gal for no more than a few hours and looked pretty stupid all muddy and grass stained… but it was only the right thing to do, so I hopped in his car, the whole while he’s got a smirk on his face! I suppose he thought it was pretty damned amusing… hell look’n back I suppose I would have too!!!
We got to the Hospital and I went in to take a look at her figur’n I was scott free…
“What the hell are you doing here? My boyfriend works here… he can’t see you!”
“Well I couldn’t just leave you here like that… besides I told the police you were my girlfriend to stay outta trouble…”
“You did what?? I told them I was walking alone chasing butterflies and smelling flowers…”
Now I’ve done and said some pretty dumb stuff in my time but that… who the hell is gonna believe you’re chasing butterflies and sniff’n flowers at zero dark thirty hours of the morning… in your muddy whites at that???
Yeah, that went down just like a fart in church… the cop that brought her in wanted a statement and said I would be hearing from my command… I should’a just walked out the door as soon as I got there!!!
The following week I’d just got back to the barracks from ‘A’ school and found a yellow memo on my door to make a visit to the Chief’s office… Boy-oh-Boy, I’d been in the Dog House so gaudamned many times to this point I’d already installed curtains and hard wood floors!! I figured I’d better prepare the proverbial Vaseline for my butt cause I knew what was coming next!!!
I walked into Chief’s office with my tail between my legs wondering if I was gonna get sent out to the fleet as an undesignated swabby… at this point you can feel the pucker factor start’n on…
“Son, you know what you’re in here for don’t ya!?!?”
While doing the jitterbug two-step I answered…
“Well, I think so…”
“Well then, all I’ve got to ask is… did you hit that shit?? And don’t blow smoke up my ass!!”
So I looked him in the eyes and said…
“Well Chief, I got started but hadn’t enough time to wear the tits off those tires before the floodlights were hitt’n us from all sides!!”
A few seconds what seemed an eternity went by as he stared me down… then he broke out into the biggest laughter I’d ever heard… complain’n his sides were hurting from laughing so hard…
“Seaman Swing… you got more balls than a ship’s got seamen… and that’s a gaudamned compliment!”
I just stood there and looked at him a bit puzzled as I expounded on the rest of the story…
“Son I oughta put you in for a medal… that’s funnier than watch’n a one legged cat try to bury a turd in a frozen pond!!”
Yes… this was the beginning of my nautical tandem with the Devil… part of the cooked up stuff to add to the wonder and amazement of everyday life! I suppose I was lucky the Chief recognized the humor in such things… I suspect these days, most ‘Politically Correct’ types wouldn’t have the intuitive understanding to appreciate those type of antics… the type that ranged from raunchy to infantile but never dull!! No… they’d be about as confused as a pack of nuns in a topless bar!!!
this was just too funny...and i was picturing the "corp whore" as being a blonde cause only a ditsy woman would say she was chasing butterflies in the dark..LOL
ReplyDeleteHoly hell I pulled some nastiness out of that club. I needed 2 bags. One for her and one for me in case hers fell off. Some day i will write about all my good times in the Navy. Just like you Dennis, I better retire first or else some Admiral will pissed off about what I did with his daughter. :)
ReplyDeleteI spent too much time in church back in my younger years to have any stories like this.
ReplyDeleteThis brought back many memories of SP duties at NTC San Diego...
ReplyDeleteAh yes, The Helm Club. I was entertainment manager when she opened up. Good times.
ReplyDeleteAh yes, The Helm Club. I was entertainment manager when she opened up. Good times.
ReplyDeleteBack in 1978 - 79 I was on the Advisory Board for the Helm Club. That is indoor shore patrol, bouncer etc. - What a messed up place. What an experience the whole base was. I see on Google Earth that many of the old buildings are gone. In fact the 'strip' across the tracks is completely gone. Not that it shouldn't have been demolished. There was a Gyro shop there with decent food but, it was low class. I remember one day I was eating in there with a room mate and he got upset because the second half of Don McLean's 'American Pie' had been switched with some Greek crap. Lou went to the head as I was paying. When we got out the door he said run like hell, John. I just tore the sink off the men's room wall. About the time we hit the tracks going back to the base I could hear one of the Greeks screaming at us. I didn't go back for about a month. I don't think they remembered me...
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ReplyDeleteOmg too funny. Corpsman not jumping in line for Helms booty calls. But do remember a manager at the Helms Roy who was a charmer..TOO EVERYONe. But free drinks, him singing to me and taking me all the way back to the corp side.
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