Wednesday, May 2, 2012

‘What Comes Around Goes Around’

You know what they say about ‘Karma’ being a bitch… ‘What comes around goes around’… and that’s the death defying truth when you’d been there done that and been on both ends of the stick from chambray wear’n ‘Crackerjack Recruit’ to shit colored khaki wear’n Chief Petty Officer!!
Yes, I had my share of shenanigans as a young ‘Crackerjack’ and never regretted a gauddamned one of them! So it’s no wonder I had to take a round turn and give myself a silent chuckle every time one of my junior cohorts got caught up in a little bit-o-horseplay along the way… but in the name of leadership and doing the right thing I still had to give the ol’ proverbial ‘Foot up the Ass’ bit!! Not to be hypocritical… but to teach them not to make the same damned mistakes I had made along the way!!!

From the beginning I was accosted for starting a pillow fight in ‘Bootcamp’ at O’dark thirty with our fellow sister company… only to find that nobody would point the finger as my Company Commander just glared and said…

“Recruit… I’m about to do an unnatural sex act on your ass if you don’t tell me who started this shindig!”

I just stood there at attention not say’n a word!!!

Then there was the time a fellow shipmate was doing the hazmat inventory of our Hazmat Locker and asked about some unlabeled needle gun lubricants and grease gun… I told him it was PU-55-Y lubricant and I-D-10-T Grease!! About a week later Chief did a spot check…

Who the fuck wrote Pussy Lube and Idiot Grease on this Gauddamned Hazmat list!”

Holy Shit skins!!! I knew I was up shit creek with a broken paddle!!!

“Uuuh, Chief… That’s my fault. I told FC3 to write that… I didn’t think…”

“You’re Gauddamned right you didn’t think! Swing… you’re a stick!”

Me puzzled…


“Wanna know what kind’a stick you are?”



I guess I had that one coming…

As a recruiter I was driven to do whatever possible to advertise for the ‘Canoe Club’… sometimes resorting to putting my business cards in DVD covers at the Blockbuster down the road… or leaving old Navy White Hats in the backseat of cars with their windows rolled down in the middle of the parking lot with my business card!!! The RINC didn’t care much for that…

So eventually I was ‘Tried… Trued… Tested… and Initiated into the Chief’s Mess… and all the troubles I put upon my leadership as a young buck came right back at me tenfold…

There I was at the office in OK, Muskogee… ring, ring… ring, ring…

“United States Navy Recruiting Muskogee… This is Dan Swing... May I help you???”

“Yeah, this is Roy down at the Creek Nation Truck Stop on 64 Highway... You gotta fella work’n for you by that name of Tate?”

“Yes… he works out of this office... why, how can I help you??”

“Listen… I appreciate what you all do out there… but he’s been harassing some of my truck drivers in the bathroom stalls here at the truck stop!”

“Come again…???”

He’s been been harassing this fellow truck driver following him into the bathroom stalls and making threatening comments while the guy is on the shitter… and this needs to stop!”

I mean… How the hell can you be prepared for something like that?”  Come to find out Petty Officer Tate was dating a young local gal and the ‘Truck Driver’ in question was her ol’ flame… Tate was following the feller into the truck stop and threatening to cut his balls off if he didn’t stop calling his girl!!!

Then I transferred to a brand new ship to be commissioned… USS MOMSEN… if you haven’t heard, this ship has been a living curse since conception! Five Chiefs Fired… CMC fired… a Department Head fired… and most recently the Commanding Officer was fired… all in the name of fraternization and conduct unbecoming… I guess some people can’t keep their ‘Dick’ outta the EDVR if you know what I mean!!!

So the day comes that the command is having a routine ‘Health and Comfort’ Inspection. I happen to be paired up with the ‘XO’ heading down to one of the male berthings as he finds a Dildo in one of the crewmember’s coffin racks and says…

 “This is a don’t ask don’t tell Navy… so I won’t ask.”

“Well Sir, I’ve been stabbed in the back by more than one of those since I’ve been in this Navy… so it comes as no surprise!”

The XO just stood there and glared at me… presumably his off colored joke was supposed to be funny and no one laughed… and apparently he didn’t like the idea of my one liner trumping his!!!

Then of course was my O’dark thirty wake up in the middle of deployment…

“Hey Chief you need to wake up… we’ve been locked out of the Tomahawk Equipment Room.”

“What d’ya mean… locked out?”

Somehow one of my young ‘Petty Officers’ zeroed the combo on the door nullifying the combination to the space and left to use the head… We had to call the MR to pry the door open only to find a blanket… a porn… and a bottle of Jergens Hand Lotion on the deck!!! I think the Captain put it this way…

“Chief Swing… I don’t find you to be very endearing to me in a situation like this!”

How could I argue with that? And the fellow in question already went to ‘Skippy’s’ Mast for Sodomy in Hong Kong… but that’s another story!!!

Then of course everyone knows about morning ‘Clampdown’…

In the Great State of Washington it rains… and rains… and rains…

And every morning ship’s company heads topside to sweep all the standing water off the deck… even though it continues to rain… and rain… and rain…

“Chief… why do we have to keep sweeping water in the rain… it’s asinine! We’re just going to be up here in an hour doing it again!”

 To that I would always reply…

“Shipmate… when are you going to get it thru that numb skull of yours! There is no way around it… complaining won’t help… the sooner you realize it the better!! You see… being a good shipmate is like being a good whore… the harder you work, the harder you get fucked… and the sooner you start enjoying it the better it is for everyone!!!”  

Yep… I left that ship with a bit of ‘OPTIC RECTALITIS’… It’s a condition where the neurons from your eyes and ass get crossed in your brain giving you a ‘SHITTY’ outlook on life!!!

 It took me three years on shore duty to recalibrate…

But there is the one… the one thing I never really understood…

The whole gauddamned concept of keeping your hands outta your pockets… Hell, the ‘Lone Sailor’ statue in Washington DC… a direct representation of the Navy Sailor past, present, and future has his hands in his pockets!! With all that salt… paint… diesel fuel & raw ‘American Courage’ he’s still show’n his rebellious zeal!!!

I’ll be damned if the new Navy Aquaflage Parka has a hand warmer built into it… but out there somewhere… somewhere in the bitter cold, stands a frustrated pissed off Chief Petty Officer, just a grinding his teeth in shear anger try’n to enforce Chapter 1, Section 3 of the good ol’ Uniform Regs to some young ‘Bootcamp’ as he looks at him in complete bewilderment!!!

Live and Learn I say… Live and Learn…


  1. Live? Yes. Learn? Never.

  2. Love it Dan. Keep 'em coming.

  3. I learned a trick from my old man that had 26 years in the Air Force....have your pockets sewn shut.

    Stand your QD watch in the middle of the gangway with a FOX 40 soccer whistle.

  4. You think you could take 5 minutes to fix the LOUD, and obnoxious background? It's a wonder anybody can read your post!

  5. Anonymous must still be in the cannoe club and is a life member to PC. No wonder he posted as Anonymous.

  6. Outstanding, Chief! THIS is the Navy I knew and loved!

  7. Great job Dan.

    Long, long time ago in the Chief's Mess on Jouett, we use to talk about the fact that we all needed to get together and write a book.
    Of course, we also figured nobody would believe a single word of it.

  8. Anonymous needs to slap his ass with some babyshit (the kind in the 5 gallon bucket we greased grips with for three months as a deck seaman during the yards) and get the cob out! Fuck him. Good job Chief! HM1