Tuesday, July 10, 2012

‘A Fire Breathing Porcupine Doused In Habaneros Sauce Kind’a Thing’

Twenty-Three years in the ol’ Canoe Club and you develop many a reason to find yourself on the binnacle list!  The daily litany of physical complaints can range from the applicable drip-drop  clap on clap off variety… ie that’s why they call them ‘Pecker Checkers’…  to a nasty case of hazmat induced mechanized dandruff or even that lingering case of crotch rot…

 "Doc, I've got this chronic itch, can you help me out?"  


Doc, why does it hurt when I pee???”

Had a situation soooo bad on the ‘Chucky ‘V’… It was some time in 91’… I ended up with the Muther  of all pains in the ass… A good ol’ case of the Hemorrhoids!!  I’m not talk’n about your run of the mill bloody stool type… but the pissed off fire breathing porcupine doused in habaneros sauce kind’a thing!!!  I remember it was like I had this golf ball size jalapeno grow’n outta the side of my chocolate starfish!! After a day or two of try’n to pry shit outta my ass around that big hanker’n hemorrhoid… using toilet paper was like an aggravated assault on the ol’ sphincter… and it was enough to make a grown man cry!! It felt like when I’d shit I’d shits glass and when I sat down… well, I couldn’t sit down… that was part of the problem!!! 

So I headed down to medical to get the ol’ Rubber Glove Treatment… and there in the doorway stood HMC…

How’s it going Chief?”

To that he replies…

"Lights, cables… pipes… the overhead... and a bird’s pussy when it flies!!"

So I commence to telling the ‘Duty Dick Doc’ what my problem was…

“Just sit tight and the Doctor will be in as soon as HN Umptysquat takes your blood pressure and temp..”

Sit Tight… Really???

So after the typical arm pump and oral temp indicator… the Doctor comes in and proceeds to ask me…

“When was the last time you dropped a deuce?”

“Uuuuhmmm, yesterday…”

“So you been float’n any air bisquits today?”


“How did it feel?”

“It felt like I was try’n to shit Hot Chilies through chicken wire… and it burns someth’n fierce!” 

Well then… I guess we’d better get on the stick!”

That’s not the terminology you want coming outta the Doc’s mouth at this moment!!

Fllllurp…snappp!!Fllllurp…snappp!!  On with the rubber gloves!!!

This Doc had to have the biggest Gauddamned hands of all the medical types onboard!!!

“Now drop your trousers and bend over the bench… let’s take a look here… WHOOA!!!”

As he’s spread’n my ass cheeks apart… then he began to feel around like he was tugg’n on a piece of barb wire com’n outta my ass…

“Yep, you gott’a hang’n hemorrhoid alright! Looks like we may have to cut this one off!!”

“What?? That sounds painful Doc… Haven’t you got any lube or anesthetics I could use??”

“Go ahead and get your drawers on… and I’ll get you a prescription!!

Damn… felt like I’d just finished a gauddamned rodeo on top a giant sea urchin!!!

The Doc comes back in the room…

“Eat lots of fiber so you don’t irritate the hemorrhoidal tissue and if the swelling doesn’t go away in a few days then we’ll have to cut them off!”

So he hands me a laxative… and Anesthetic Ointment for my poopshoot… and some nasty generic military milspec metamucil powder in a can called psyllium and dated from 1960 to drink three or four times a day!! I gotta tell you that shit tastes… that shit tastes like shit!! That’s all I gotta say about that!!!

Fast forward a couple days later… and you know how us ‘fellas’ are about taking a good dump!!  I sat down in the head knowing I had one hell of a deucer coming on… felt like a Lincoln Log had burrowed its way down my intestinal track!! This was quite the toilet excursion… the ‘Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead’ kind’a shit house outing!!!

After finishing with an effortless splashdown I got up and looked back at my masterpiece only to find… Giant, Curled, Floating Logs the size of miniature French Bread rolling around in the shitter!!! I was ecstatic and relieved at the same time!!!

There was no way in hell I was flushing those monsters until someone laid witness!!!

Sooo… there I was running out into Berthing with my pants half way down my legs…

“Guys, Guys… you gotta check this shit out!! No… Really… You gotta check it out!!!”

Amidst all the turmoil… about half a dozen ‘Crackerjacks’ gathered around the shitter to witness my grand achievement!! Astounded… amazed… confused… utterly speechless… what do you say when someone brags about their shit!?!?

Like George Carlin once said…

“Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of asteroids??”


And that my friends is a No Shitterrr… or is it!?!?


  1. Ahhhhh.... the voice of experience .... been there--done that!!!!! Great story Dennis....or was it??? Nowadays a good shit outdoes good sex..LOL

  2. Too much info on that one Dennis.

  3. Amen. I have heard that voice of experience myself!

  4. I got a good one for you from the Ready Eddy. We had a young 3rd class Firecontrol Tech (before we became FCs) named Roscoe and he laid this monster that must've been 30 inches long and shaped in a question mark. He was proud of that turd. So proud that he made lots of copies of the photo and bought a bunch of Christmas cards from the Ship's Store and replaced the photo of the Eddy with that of the turd and sent them out. Imagine getting a pix of a turd for an Xmas card. Here to tell you, hope to shout/shit and that's true, you know (I jacked this from FTCM Woolworth and good ole FCCM Al Packer).

  5. We had one so bad in M-div berthing one time that it stopped up the whole system, when they got it apart and found the huge culprit there was lots of picture taking going on.

  6. Could have used that for one of the "brown trout runs" frequently observed on the Chucky V in the 1980s.