While doing my Sunday deeds at the ol’ Navy Commissary I couldn’t help but notice the most recent Navy Times… ‘Fleet Wide Smut Inspections’… with pictures of ‘Men’s Health,’ ‘Maxim’ and many other lesser magazines the new ‘PC’ Navy has deemed inappropriate!! I guess Navy Secretary, Ray Mabus has decided what is considered tasteful as opposed to tasteless for our sailors to stamp out what he considers smut!!!
I know this ain’t the first time I’d brought up the differences between today’s Navy and the ol’ Canoe Club we joined way back when… but as near as I can figure most of you old coots wouldn’t recognize today’s Navy! You’d look about as confused as a bunch of short bus riders in a house of fuck’n mirrors I tell ya!!!
Now I know we weren’t blessed with the greatest of brains way back when, and I can appreciate the much improved Wally Cleavers of the new ‘Crackerjack Navy’ but before all the ‘PC’ hoopla… Women’s Rights… and ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ it was the last vestige of the ol’ boys club! It was a hospitable community where young ‘Crackerjacks’ convened to swear, tell dirty jokes, bullshit about lady asses & legs… the ups & downs of large breastess’s and boob jobs, what’s better… the Ford Mustang or the Chevy Camaro, favorite liquors... cigar brands... sports teams… etc. etc…
Yes, it was the last bastion of men being men in front of men… belching, farting, cussing, chest bellowing titty talk’n, ‘No girls or girlie men allowed, entirely and perfectly male paraphernalia!!! Now what the hell is wrong with that?!? I always said the idea of no butt nekkit girlie magazines is nuttier than a porta potty at a peanut factory!! When it comes to gett’n rid of nekkit girlie magazines and good skin books…
“Hey somebody should really get rid of that trash…”
… never came up on my watch… ever!!!
I grew up in an auto-body shop where ‘Champion Sparkplug’ & Snap-On Tool Pin-ups littered the walls and Penthouse Forums were found in every desk! Then I joined a Navy that made me feel right at home!! We never seemed to grow bored with nekkit lady subject matter… ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours high school type of rapid fire fantasies!! And the stuff we looked at
was admittedly unsuitable for Dr Seuss & Cat In The Hat Golden Books of the past… as the titles would range from… ‘Ass Of The Mohicans’… ‘Poca-Hot-Ass’… ‘Backseat Confidential’… ‘Bang the Dong’… ‘Caddy Snatch’… ‘Crammer vs Crammer’… ‘German Whore Fare’… ‘Romancing The Bone’… and many many more!!!
While we sat eagerly oogl’n these rather tasteless skin books…
“What the hell is going on in here?”
“Oh shit it’s Chief!”
“It seems we have a concealed stockpile of porno mags… in my work space!”
“Just a book or two Chief… no big deal!”
“Hmmm… ‘Lord of the G-Strings,’ ‘Saturday Night Beaver’… where do you come up with such literary garbage… this shit will pervert your mind!”
And from there the Chief would be off with your goods hand locked in his bottom file drawer with a carton of Lucky Strikes, a flask full of booze and a small bottle of Vaseline… my guess is!!!
But that was the normal exchange of camaraderie back in those days involving skin book swaps and trade negotiations for the best smut onboard… or at least the least used… pages stuck together of the aforementioned!! AAAAAH don’t judge… any sailor worth his weight in salt has been there done that…
“Sweet tits, you ain’t earned your seamanship ‘til you’d racked up with a stack of skin books while scratch’n your fungus ridden toes across the EEBD holder & stiffened a few pairs of socks!!”
Yes… nekkit girlie magazines were the medium of exchange in the old Navy! And any man with a good stash of books in a vacant side locker was considered a man of good sea going wealth!! Rather it be OUI, Cherrie, Club, Hustler, Penthouse or a good ol’ fashioned Playboy… they were found under pillow cases… mattresses… on top ventilation shafts… behind scuttlebutts… and high up in the angle irons!!!
Fortunes changed hands regularly at quite the going rate… because hard-up ‘Crackerjacks’ will do damned near anything for a ratty ol’ skin book! It was the only common currency of trade from Deck Division all the way down to the Engineering Bilges!! It wasn’t uncommon to swap skin books you’d already taken to the shitter on six or seven previous occasions!!!
“Hey fellas… paste your ‘winking one eye’ on this… I’ll give it up for a pack of smokes!”
“No way! There’s pages stuck together and the print is all smeared… can’t read it!”
“It’s a gauddamned Playboy… there’s no reason for reading it!”
“I can see your point… but You’re still full of shit… ain’t worth a pack of smokes!”
“Come on man, check out the centerfold… body by God, mind by Mattel! You gonna turn that down?”
“The only thing I ever turned down was a ten year old boy in the PI and I turned him face down!”
“Sick fucker… how ‘bout this… this is some worthy lustful material!”
“Gauddamn! I wouldn’t fuck her with a borrowed Dick! She’s hairy as a bear trap… I like my girls shaved so I can see the little bald man in the boat!”
“Come on man… it’s masturbation… the cheapest date in town, and she’s hanging open like a pea-coat sleeve!”
“Man, I’d rather jump barefoot off a six foot ladder into a five gallon bucket of porcupines than beat off to that shit!”
“Now this one… this one is worthy of the five knuckle shuffle! That gal wants a loving spoonful of my man gravy in her panty oyster!”
“Yeah man… he’s really great at sex… now all he needs is a partner!”
“Hey… I’ve got what it takes… but nobody wants it!”
… and off the feller would go to the filthiest shitter in the joint with a roll of toilet paper gett’n busier than a set of jumper cables in a Redneck picnic!!!
“He’s the only guy I know who had to have penicillin for rubb’n one off!”
Then someone came along and did the Kabuki Dick Dance on our heads and completely FUBAR’d the whole gauddamned game! Tail Hook got publicized and the Navy became ‘Clintonized’ with women showing up and all the sudden the cuss’n… belching… & fart’n all came to a halt!! No more manly talk about titties and breastess’s… no more comparing intelligence levels on carnal knowledge or anything to do with the opposite sex… and last but not least, no more nekkit girlie magazines or skin books!! They all got replaced with Homes & Gardens and shades of Cosmopolitan & Redbook!! Things written by scholarly individuals who’d never set foot on a sea going vessel and knew nothing about manhood!!!
Yes my friends… the sanctuary of the ol’ boys club had been soiled and forever pushed aside for a more kindler, gentler Navy! The best laid plans of mice and men had changed forever and either someone forgot to ask the important question or if it was asked…
“We have no position on the issue… whatever your position… is now our position… could you tell us what your position is?!?
Yeah… it’s call bend over and brace for shock… we’re gonna cut off your sexual appendage and feed it to ya!! Because it’s only gonna get worse!! No I ain’t all opposed with women on ships… as a matter of fact, when I was on the Rainier I thought it was working out rather well… but boy did shit start to hit the fan!! Soon the ol’ Canoe club started to tap dance and shy away from sexual harassment and other issues and the witch hunts, torch carry’n lynch mobs with ball crush’n hammers & axes came down from the countryside ready to strip us of anything we considered manly!! The policies were made and new liberal edicts were enforced like an invasion from the Mongol Hordes!!!
Now the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ has been repealed and I wonder if men are gonna be allowed to have long hair while wear’n skirts & make-up… is that too much to ask?!? I mean fair is fair in love and war!!!
So ladies and gentlemen… you’d better get rid of your fitness magazines and Victoria Secret Advertisements… hell you’d better cut out the bra & panty issue of your Sears & Robuck catalogs cause they’re coming after you!! No more sexy pin up calenders… no more ‘Babes In Brazzeers’ and definitely no more Cosmopolitan and Maxim mens magazines!!! I suppose nowadays I’d get Court Martialed for peaking at Aborigine Boobies in a National Geographic Magazine with butt nekkit women on the Amazon River… It’s all just a mystery to me!!!
It’s hard not to sweat the petty things when you don’t get to pet your sweaty thing…
♪ ♪ OOOh I love to go swimming with bow legged wimmin… and dive between their legs… ♪ ♪