Tuesday, April 8, 2014

‘Lil Miss Diamond Tooth’

One of the rotten realities of getting older is how the availability of that laundry list of adventures which motivated us Crackerjacks when we were younger keeps getting shorter as time ticks on!! The bucket list gets half full and there ain’t no more gauddamn time or energy left to repeat some of the best parts… or chew on the tenderloins as my ‘sea daddy’ used to say!!!

Anybody remember their favorite bar on Magsaysay… or maybe it was the Teddy Bear in Barrio or Marilyn’s in Subic City!?! I had a brief Honey Koe from the Top Gun in Olongapo… she set one of me shipmates up with a cute little gal sport’n a diamond in one of her front teeth!!!

Now that gal was one hell of a looker! My buddy, who shall remain nameless, spent a fortune on ‘buy-me-drinks’ before he finally funded his bar fine over to said establishment expecting one hell of a long time girl!! Meanwhile me on my shippy headed to my gal’s humble abode only to meet up with the two Honey Koes a bit later!! When they arrived… ‘Lil Miss Diamond Tooth’ appeared shnockered to the core before my shipmate finally pulled her into the back room!!!

As the night slowly went by, I was doing my business while they were doing theirs…

“Punyeta… Anak ng Puta!! Walang hiya ka!!!”

… we jumped up and skedaddled in a hurry to see what all the fuss was about…

“Punyeta… Putang ina mo!”

… or something of the effect, my Tagalog is shitty at best…

“What the hell is all the fuss about?”

… Squirming in her seat, face as red as a baboon’s ass…

“Pagtatalik Puwit… Punyeta Puwit!!!”

… or something or rather…

Next thing I now both gals go in the other room as my Honey Koe gives me an evil eye!! You know when they do that things just ain’t right!!!

As near as I could tell my buddy did something awful and ‘Lil Miss Diamond Tooth’ wasn’t too happy about it! Finally my little Honey Koe comes stepping out pointing her finger at me and telling me we weren’t welcome there no more…

“What… What the Hell?!? What did I do?” 

Next thing I know my buddy comes outta the back room and grabs me by the elbow…

“Come on bro… we gotta  go!”

“What the hell’s the hurry?!?”

“Don’t question it… let’s just get outta here!”

We get to walk’n back towards Magsaysay and he enlightens me on the details of what just transpired in front of my uncertain eyes! Apparently ‘Lil Miss Diamond Tooth’ decided to pass out or feign passing out right in the middle of the act of hiding the salami…

“Aaaah Hell No… I wasn’t having none of that, so I went to brown town and decided to plow the ol’ backfield!”

“Say what?” 

“Yeah… right up the ol’ Hershey Highway… You should’a seen her… she was jumpier than a fart on a griddle!”

“Man you’re going to hell in every religion… that’s richer than three feet up a bull’s ass!”

“That’s alright… she was so drunk she couldn’t find her ass with both hands… about as useless as a tit on a boar hog!” 

“You wasted a bar fine!”

“Naaah, while ya’ll were in the other room listening to her carry’n on I reached in her purse and got my money back!”  

“Man you’d give a bull dog’s ass the heartburn… now I’m down one Honey Koe!”

“Don’t worry too much about it… we’re in the PI… they’re a dime a dozen… besides, if you can’t find another one you can always self-sacrifice to the God of lonely nights as I always say!”

“That’s so gauddamned wrong in ooooh sooo many ways!”

… and off to Via’s Taco stand and a few more bars we went! I know… I know… that was really fucked up, but in the moment, I was laugh’n my ass off because all I could see was that poor girl’s face and how pissed she was in all her Tagalog & Fury!! There’d been bigger assholes in the PI… like the sons-a-bitches light’n pesos red hot for one of them peso shows or what have ya… so don’t judge damn it!!!  

Besides, the joke was on us… how many lack jawed bastards stood in front of the binnacle list days after leaving ‘Fantasy Land’… how many got the shits from drink’n the water or got food poisoning from the balut, lumpia & monkey meat… lumpia & monkey meat… monkey meat… I don’t give a damned what it really is, that shit is damn good!!!

Yes those were the good ol’ days… Any man who hadn't drank his mojo... played catch the peso with a ten year old pinoy over the bridge at shit river... given away his dixie cup to a snicker’n little darling of a honey koe... or taken an early morning way past your curfew whiz in a dark alley... or slept under a corrugated tin roof with the loveliest ‘LBFM’  you’d ever laid eyes on must’a missed out on one of the greatest ol’ Canoe Club pastimes ever made available to a half lit under educated bottom feed’n Crackerjack that there ever was!!


  1. Great Story!! Been their!!

  2. Every now and then Dan you slide one by that I fear to share with the missus. In some things she is best kept blissfully innocent! Great read all the same.

  3. Yep... We were the lucky ones.

  4. That was when it was the real navy, not this pc puss shot of today!

  5. Yes indeed - Card-carryin' member of THAT club!

  6. Excellent antidote,even if on the tamer side of some of the sea storiesand 100% believable,without the infamous "this is a no shitter"lol.
    My one question is this, was Vias tacos on Magsaysay,very close to the Michael Jordan restaurant? (I'm 86-89 in P.I.) Been trying to rememberthe name of that Damn place forever.

    1. Via's was at the end of Gordon Ave. To get there you took a right after exiting the main gate, remember?