Wednesday, December 3, 2014

‘The Pizza Guy Delivers’

It's amazing what dusty, cobweb coated memories you can delve up damn near twenty someth’n years later! I figured now is a good time to dust off some of those memories before my recollections have lost definition and clarity!! It doesn’t take long before the mind starts to oxidize into rust!!! I believe the statutes of limitations of what happened between my cohorts… Rhonda, Lori, and Brian some years ago have about run out… barring me from discussing, referring to, alluding towards, hinting at, using relevant facts of, or divulging details on anything that pertains to that night over the phone!!!

Many moons and some years ago before I met my wife, I made acquaintance with my sister-in-law, Rhonda ‘Honda,’ in that blue collared Navy town known as Bremerton, Washington! Anyone who knows Rhonda quickly realizes she has a mouth shoddier than a sailor… trust me, I know these things!! She spits out language worse than a whorehouse parrot giving sermon at a catholic mass!! My daughter has a cussing jar just for her!!!

Now before I journey any further keep in mind… this was back in the day when I’d hang out with people my mother would never approve of! We had a pad that our shipmate Miguel lived at and he had a civilian roommate named Brian who was commonly referred to as the Pizza Guy!! He worked at the ‘Pizza Connection’ as a delivery boy also selling weed and other illicit sundry items on the side!! It was at Miguel and Brian’s pad we often engaged in panty research… some happy endings, some not so happy and many numerous great memories… as it was an age of young lust!!!

Brian wasn’t the prettiest guy in town but as the ‘The Pizza Guy’ goes… some women were exceptional at giving a free pass to any magic powered pixie dust the Pizza Guy could deliver!! With this knowledge you must understand, Brian was the type of guy whose dream job was smoking a bong while issuing bras at a female sorority… well, as a twenty-two year old male… who’s wasn’t… at least the sorority bit anyway!! He may have been a co-sponsor for the earliest ‘Girls Gone Wild’ filmage but that I can neither confirm nor deny!!!

One thing was for certain… you know us Crackerjack types are well versed in the three ‘F’s of life… ‘Fighting & Fucking and Fun Time Drinking’ was the mantra of the day!  Like a stray dog, once Brian was your friend he’d stick up for you to the end… or at least until bail was posted!! In a bar fight you never had to look around and waste time to see where he was as he always had your six!!!

To most of the local gals, Brian and Miguel’s residence was considered a major sin location to be avoided unless you like your panties to be dropped on a regular basis! There was plenty of opposite gender interaction...  as childish and trivial ‘boys will be boys’ nonsense happened pretty gaudamned regularly!! In those days we were extremely attentive in the academic interest of female bust development& size and there astute ability to stand Mr. Skin up on end at attention!!!

Then he met Rhonda! Already in a strenuous relationship with another gal, he got tangled up with Rhonda!! I suppose in hindsight he would’ve been better off had he invested in some sort of chastity belt fabrication program to keep from dipping his wick in that candle wax!! But he had to stick the old cannon ramrod up her muzzle and that was all she wrote!!!

Like all girls, Rhonda had a group of friends and in their little crowd was a gal named Lori who was at the pinnacle of sexual attractiveness! Needless to say she seemed a bit out of Brian’s league!! WE should’ve known something was up when she called his house late one evening…

“Hey Brian… I’m feeling really horny right now and I was wondering if you could come over with your pepperoni and keep me company!”

“Hell… if she’s call’n him up she must’ve been clued in on him winning the latest Lottery!”

Sitting on Brian’s bed we listened in on the conversation curious as to what Lori had to offer the Pizza Delivery Guy!

“Life is a cabaret my friend, here in Caligula’s bedroom!”

That’s when she placed one of her Snow White apples in his dinner tray…

“So what time do you want me to come over baby!”


… And there was Rhonda, calling Brian all seven kinds of Sons-a-bitches she could muster up from her vernacular on the other end of the phone!!!

“GREAT SCOTT… You’ve been hoodwinked, hornswoggled and tossed in a watertight fish net Brian!”
Nope! This wasn’t one of your silly little girl bathroom snickers!!  He took the bait… and just couldn’t resist the trap cheese! I mean at least he wasn’t caught with some teeny-bopper piece of jailbait bobbing up and down at the Super 8 behind Denny’s or the Chieftain up the hill... But Open mouth and insert foot!! Every word he spoke just dug the hole a little deeper!!!

His bull shit might have passed as ballsy rather than stupid if he hadn’t of just stepped in the smelliest pile of shit for the ages! It was like sitting front row, center stage at a Jerry Springer show!! I think I busted a shit string I was laughing so hard!!!

“Tell, advise me as to what action I should take to seperate myself from this Grief? How do I rid myself of this embarrassment?!?”

Yes… for quite a while after that, all the gals in the Kitsap area thumbed their collective noses at poor Brian, never to be trusted again! It also gave rise to an amusing exchange of banter, mockery and downright sarcasm within the tribal boundaries of our little boys club we had associated with at the time!! Those  ‘pissing against the wind’ and giving your bros a lot of shit type of moments!!!

“Hey Brian, you could go out and get adopted by some big busted Bremelo, and  get dragged home like a stray cat for the night!?!”

“Then you could tie a bandana over your eyes and pretend she’s Cindy Crawford… except bigger!! Way bigger! Any large animal of the feminine type should do!!!”

Then ol’ Brian started to become scarce! I suppose he was a bit embarrassed over the whole situation…

“Anyone but me starting to wonder? I've been watching ABC, NBC, and CBS local news....No ugly men turning up face down in the Puget Sound...”

“Folks, If you know any clueless son-of-a-bitch who needs help in figuring out women… don’t come calling to Brian! He’ll screw it up for you no doubt about it!”

Years later I ran into Brian again, all Three Hundred Pounds of him he’d gained! I never would’a thought it affected him so badly!!

“You still delivering Pizza to the ladies Brian?”

“No… I am a reformed whore or someone attempting to be anyway!”

Yep, Rhonda never fails to remind me to this day of Brian’s tandem failure with the devil that fateful night.... try’n the two for one special! I swear things were easier in high school… but who can forget being dumb, young and full of sexual vigor in those early years of the ol’ Canoe Club!! Yes, we Crackerjacks are a sorry lot we are… neck deep in bosoms and iniquity!!!

 ‘Oh the shame of it all… Oh The Memories!!!’

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