Saturday, March 21, 2015

‘A Junior Officer’s Little Red Panty Puffer’

Now here’s a little story I’ve got to tell that I’d heard about and was only partially privy too! In other words I wasn’t there to see it but got the 411 on the down low and heard about it later…!! The names of some shipmates in this here no-shitter may be changed or modified since most would undoubtedly object to their exposer as idiots or derelicts, as so many of us were...!!!  


Now those of you who served… rather it be Navy or any other branch of service had come to realize at an early age that there were Junior Officers whose ass you wouldn’t piss in if their guts was on fire! Yeah, you know who I’m talking about… we’ve all had them! Some patronizing twenty-three year old little ass wart with a commission and less sea time than you’ve got salt wrung outta your socks telling you how to do your gauddamned job!! The kinda fella who whenever he left his coffee cup unattended… usually got the ol’ business end of an erector set or a freshly plucked pube for added flavor… if you know what I mean!!!


We had a Junior Officer once who couldn’t lead a cavalry charge into a whorehouse! But boy he sure new ‘Shit about Shinola’… always had big words and small ideas!! This was the kinda fella who had a rough enough time trying to manage his own responsibilities… yet had no qualms instructing you on how to handle yours!! Yes Sir… he was about as low down as whale shit!!!


Now as you can figure by now this certain particular Mr.Jr’O' was not held in the highest esteem in regards to his enlisted compadres! He had a slight tendency to discount anyone not wearing khaki who would try to enlighten him on the finer things in Navy life!! He was the kinda fella who I’m sure was plenty book smart but when it came to common sense… well let’s just say his clue meter was pegging at zero!! My Chief used to say…


“Junior Officers are sometimes like Ohms Law… the Quantity of rank can be inversely proportional to the Quality of Reason!”


Well Mr.Jr’O’ had a really nice red sports car… one of them fancy European types that he was so very proud of, being a young single officer and all! It was on a weekend and he arrived on the pier with his little red car and his cute little girlfriend on an early Saturday morning to give her the grand tour and invite her for breakfast in the weirdroom prior to a stroll on the beach!! Now beings that he had a certain patrician charm that you could associate with jock itch… it was easy to see why he felt privileged enough to park his little red panty puffer right next to the brow!!!


Being in the Ol’ Canoe Club there’s an unusual particularity called the tide you have to be somewhat concerned about when dealing with the lower end of the ships brow! The bottom on the pier side of the brow has a fat steam roller shaped wheel allowing it to move freely back and forth as the ship rises and falls with the tide!! So the morning watch had just been relieved for chow and noticed the nice shiny red panty puffer sitting deliberately right at the end of the brow!!!


The Officer of the Deck(OOD) asked the Petty Officer of the Watch(POOW) if he knew whether the tide was in or not! He looked at the tide chart in his shack and said the tide was going out!! The OOD realized as the ship got lower, the brow would roll and do a number on Mr.Jr’O's car!!!


Being a smart and caring Shipmate the OOD had the POOW phone the Weirdroom and inform the mess crank serving breakfast that Mr.J’O's car needed to be moved! But Mr.J’O’ being his mean and shiftless self-relayed the message that he does not take 'advice' from the POOW and he would be up when he finished his meal to depart with his lady… so guess what happened next!! Yep… you probably figured, he delayed himself for some time fiddle fart’n around showing off his prowess to his sweet tart before he finally arrived just in time to witness the handrail of the brow breaking his passenger side window and impaling the door to his car!!!


Gauddamned he was ‘PISSED!’ He had this look on his face… with those big eyes and high pitched gibberish he muttered that was just begging for parody!! He tried to have the whole gauddamned Quarterdeck bunch written up… they were taking enough heat to jump start the sun!! Then came the Section Leader…


“Who’s the pivot man in this huge Cluster Fuck?”


Then came the Command Duty Officer (CDO)…


“Now Senior Chief let’s not go out with our pistols half-cocked… let’s find out what happened first!”


Then Mr.Jr’O’ piped in…


“I want all these watchstanders on report… they just sat there and watched as my car got damaged by the brow and did nothing!!”


That’s when the CDO decided to share his views on Jr. Dipshit’s IQ…


“Before your alligator mouth overloads your hummingbird ass, do you really want the Skipper to know how your personal vehicle had been wrecked by the brow in a part of the pier your car wasn’t authorized to be?”


Mr.Jr’O’ went steaming off pissed as hell with not another word as the Section Leader says to the CDO…


“What is it with that fella? Is it because light travels faster than sound, he appears so bright until his lips start squak’n?”


…’while shaking his head’ the CDO retorts…


“God Love ‘Em… Somebody’s gotta!”


… Ha-Ha-Ha … Now ain’t that just Rich!!!

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