Wednesday, July 8, 2015

'This Ain't No Fairy Tale...'

Here’s a no shitter for ya… and I swear this ain’t no bullshit! It’s the typical Salty Crackerjack McBrag Sea Story and I got witnesses yes I do!! Are you ready kids?!?

I was once mistaken for a Navy Seal… I shit you not! My ol’ runningmate Shawn Mitchell can attest to this!! Actually he was mistaken for being me as they thought I was a Navy Seal!! Okay… so here’s the story!!!

It was the days of liberty past, and finding the best beer joint in town was on the top of our list! Those were the days when ol’ Crackerjacks had a reputation for being vulgar, foul mouthed and always ready to fight & fornicate but not always in that order!!  We had the sophistication of growing up in a whorehouse… at least that’s where you found half the buggers!!!

And when it was time to secure from work, school or whatever environment we were caught up in, we’d spend a good fifteen minutes realigning our hair follicles, splash’n on the ol’ foo foo juice and head out to a place where the women danced and frolicked for money to the cost of suds out of the communal pitcher!  While in ‘CIWS’ school Pure Platinum’s Dirty Dan’s was our corporate headquarters for pay’n the Devil’s Due as we spent most of our Wednesday evenings there!! Hey, don’t judge… you know the main reason Santa’s so jolly is he knows where all the bad girls live… well we knew where they worked!!!

Now on this specified Wednesday evening it was just Ronny Raines and myself… can’t remember what kept everyone else cooped up but we went it alone on this particular night! Ronnie’s intelligence level or lack thereof approximated mine and we went off like two half loaded idiots in search of adventure and something soft and sweet smelling to hand a few crisp green dollars bills too!! We had a particular favorite little sprite named Tess with big bosoms and quite the turd chopper if you know what I mean!!!

We strolled into the lounge and took our seats as Tess came running over happy as a clam at high tide just to see us walk through the door! It was later in the evening when all the drunks and regulars would come to watch her bend over and show off the ballast of her twin tanks!! She had the personality of a wet sponge but she was also well endowed with humongous torpedo like breastesses!!!

As the night continued on and we had a few conversations with our favorite entertainer, a couple of them ‘Hey, ya’ll come over and watch this shit’ kind of fellas wandered through the door and took a seat right next to us! We could tell by look’n they were up to no good… notoriously dumber than turnips I gather!! But they took a gander at Tess and of course she had to make a living so she obliged!!!

Now you figure these special tables specifically made for table dancing were all shoved pretty close together… too close I’d imagine! Tess got up on the center platform of their table which is recessed from the rest of the table and gave her charity performance!! As she did her little ‘turn on the catwalk’ rollick we of course took noticed and smiled up at her from the next table…

“If you wanna watch you’re gonna have to pay!”

… said one of the idiot bastards!!!

Since I wasn’t looking for any unscheduled dental work and this fella looked like a guy who would argue with a signpost, I just turned around and minded my own business! A few moments pass and as Tess became more adventurous with her choreography, her hair was brushing up against the back of my neck and shoulders… so I turned my head and gave her a smile…

“I said if you wanna watch you gotta pay for it… this shit ain’t cheap!”

“Whatever man!”

… and I turned back around and sucked down my beer!

About that time Tess’s jig was up and I headed to the pisser to drain the ol’ dragon so to speak! As I’m straddling over the urinal next to some other fella, in comes Mr. ‘You’re gonna have to pay’ and bumps into me just as I’m about to piss!! Then he makes a u-turn at the end of the bathroom and bumps me again before he heads out the door!!!

“What the fuck is his problem?”

… said the other fella doing his business!

“Not sure, I reckon he needs the rough end of a pineapple shoved up his ass!”

…we both laughed!!

I headed back out to my table purposely trying to avoid this fella as I wasn’t necessarily looking for a fight and he sticks his leg out to try and trip me! I said…

“What is your fucking problem dude?!?”

… as he was plainly a mean spirited nickel plated son-of-a-bitch!!

“I ain’t got a problem but you will when I stick my foot up your ass so hard your mother feels it!”

“You’d have an easier time shoving a toothpick up a bears ass than mess with me!”

Now, like boys in their James Dean phase, there’s always shit talking and plenty of dick swinging before there’s a fight, especially where alcohol and nekkit ladies are involved!

“If I wanted lip service from you I’d pull out my cock!”

“What are you queer? That makes as much sense as lug nuts on a birthday cake!”

“You calling me a queer?”

“Hmmm… Yeah, I gathered you come here for the fashion sense ‘cause I figure you’ve got a few tu-tus in your closet with the most darling feather boas to go along…”

… He gets angrier…

“Take your pathetic excuse for a penis and your tight asshole outside, before I rape you so hard, you’ll be in a wheel chair for the rest of your life!”

… or something along those lines, so I retort…

“Apparently you have an affinity for saying dumb shit you don’t even understand… but if you wanna go outside, we’ll go!”

… and I headed for the door!

“I ain’t gonna waste my time!”

… He said! Then his buddy stood up…

“Hell, I’ll take you on!”

… And we both headed out for the parking lot!!!

Now I’m no idiot and I’d learned that sometimes it’s better to diffuse the situation than to end up fist-a-cuffs at the end of the night! But sometimes there ain’t no way to walk away without gett’n jumped or just standing their gett’n your ass kicked!!!

“I’m gonna rip off your scalp and eat cornflakes out your skull!”

“Yeah, I thank God you’re threatening me as this will surely cure yet another night of boredom!”

… And it was at that split second he clinched his fists and I realized talking my way out was gonna be like nailing Jello to the wall! We slung each other shit and then I took my shot as I raised my foot like I was gonna kick and he lunged to block it leaving his face wide open!! At that point I was on him like a pack of dogs on a three legged cat!!!

Yep, he fell ass over tin cup! The bouncers ran up and pulled me off pushing me towards the club door while pushing him back out into the parking lot!! It was obvious he’d taken a good ass whoop’n!!!

“Sir, I know you didn’t start this altercation but since you were involved I cannot let you back into the club as that is our policy, but you’re welcome to come back tomorrow!”

… Said the doorman!

I gave a nod in agreement as I understood my situational awareness as both Raines and the original ‘Ass Clown’ came running out!  Raines and I both headed towards the car and just as we’re opening the doors both of these clowns came strutt’n on up!! These two dull witted rednecks must’ve ripened in the bumpkin patch a little too late and just didn’t know when to quit!!!

“You two are like a couple of canker sores that just won’t go away!”

They had this hermetic impermeability not to reason, and their apparent relentless anger was mind boggling… guess they didn’t take to kindly to being made into fools! And I’ll bet you can make a pretty good Kentucky-windage guess as to what happened next…

“We’re gonna finish what you done started!”

“Surely you’ve got better things to do then get rolled in the parking lot and end up at the ER!”

… And with that the fight was on!!!

Before either had a chance to respond I throat punched the fella I’d already tussled with then tackled the ‘Alpha’ bozo as I totally lost myself while braining the bastard into the parking lot knocking him senseless!! I was on him like ugly on an ape!! Ain’t diplomacy great?!?

Next thing I knew I was gett’n pulled off again… this time by Raines and the other fella as I turned to him and…

“Calm down man… I don’t wanna fight anymore! We’re done!”

I looked over at the fella pasted to the ground as he strained his way back up and turned around and… ‘OH SHIT’…! I didn’t know rather to scratch my watch or wind my ass!! His forehead was so swollen he looked like he’d been drug through a knot hole ass backwards… the elephant man comes to mind!!!

The next Wednesday came up and we all headed back to Dirty Dan’s!  Not sure if I was gonna catch any shit re-entering the club, I tried to be somewhat inconspicuous!! But apparently the word spread like peanut butter on a hot day, and we didn’t walk in unnoticed!!!

First I thought I was in the clear as we headed for our usual table… then my runningmate, Shawn, sat next to me and said…

“Those bouncers asked me if I was a Navy Seal!”

“Why would they ask you that?”

“Apparently they thought I was the one who kicked the shit outta those two fellas last week! They thought I was you!”

From the physical aspect of it I could certainly understand… I was only Five-Seven and about a buck seventy to match! Shawn stands a little over Six Feet!! I figure one of the bouncers pointed us out to the others and they assumed it was Shawn instead of me!!!

We got a good laugh of it… and once again Tess was glad to see us all together! She was afraid we might not come back!! But I often wonder what happened to those two bozos in life… at best they contributed to the gene pool by withdrawing from it!!!

To me that good ol’ fashioned fist fight was like that feeling you get when your butthole itches… where you just can’t quite scratch it out! But then you let on a huge Whoop-De-Doo Fart… and somehow it seems to take care of the itch all by itself!! One thing I can say about fight’n in a strip club…

“When I was hard I was soft and when I was soft I was hard!”

It don’t get any better than that! Now I can’t get Barnacle Bill outta my head!!!


  1. Yea that was the fun days but now you go to mast just thanking about going to drinking and haven help you if you get in a fight you will never leave the ship again