“Party Naked” and Wear Loud Shorts"

Looking back on life, I can honestly say I’ve lived with a childlike faith in adventure that I could never shake. There was a time before my Bluejacket Crackerjack days in the Ol’ Canoe Club that helped mold me into the Sailor I was and the man I am today!!!

I loved it… I never knew how much until I’d been away from home and kissed my teenage years goodbye while leaping into the briar patch of life. One thing most of my friends in those days would concur with, I was never really securely bolted to the planet. I was full of energy, devoid of social grace, with a distinct aversion to proper manners and brussel sprouts. My poor parents wore themselves out trying to saddle break a kid who knew his path in life wouldn’t take him to a whole lot of places where proper etiquette really mattered. Yes, it was the 1980’s and if one thing stands out in my memory of those years in Central Florida ... “Party Naked” and always wear loud shorts" … all year round comes to mind!!!

Now there was a particular night I’d been asked to go Dutch on a double date with Allie Sue and our friend “Phiz Lipfisss!” Now her name wasn’t really Phiz Lipfisss. Her name is Liz and she got that nickname from a drunk’n friend on a drunk’n night … and that’s another story all its own!!!

Now Phiz was a meticulously built, blue-eyed blonde, pretty as hell beautiful full-blown woman … things haven’t changed as she’s still beautiful as ever! She was going on a hot date with some fella out of Winter Haven, our cross town rival, and for some reason I don’t seem to remember, needed a chaperone for this hot date. So in came Allie Sue to save the day, and she asked me to come along as the fourth wheel… after all, a third wheel usually just gets in the way!!!

The night got started as we were driving down the stretch of Havendale Blvd between Auburndale and Winter Haven.  Phiz’s date drove a wiggle-waggle yellow Buick Sedan with a super attenuated diafractic hydrogilator to make it cruise like a boat in the water! That’s when I noticed a couple of Polk County’s finest Mounties sitting on the side of the road and decided to “show my ass” out the window… Purely butt nekkit too! When it was quite apparent those deputies got a good look at my cute ass, our driver did an over and under flim-flam with a reverse hyperjack in alpha drive to try and lose those coppers as it was obvious they were going to be in hot pursuit at any moment! Yes I know, I was somewhat devoid of any socially acceptable behavior and my Grandparents would had been ashamed, but I digress!!!

Once we got to where the ol’ Havendale Drive-In was, we took a right turn into the ol’ neighborhood behind the Dairy Queen. By God, I swear we made about four 90 degree turns only to end up in some gauddamned driveway where we went from 55 miles an hour to a dead stop and tried to go into reverse all in a little over fifty feet. Just as we pulled out of the driveway, loud sirens and flashing lights lit up right behind us… we’d been busted. One of the officers got out and did the ol’…

“Driver’s License and Registration please…”

… And there I was watching as the officer beamed his flashlight straight on me as I instantly gave him that “It wasn’t me” look!  A few words were exchanged and the officer came to my window and said…

“You’re lucky this young man is a good kid or I’d haul your lily white ass to jail … now I suggest you keep your pants on and calm yourself down for the rest of this evening!”

Of course, like a good young chap, all I had to say was…

“Yes Sir!”

But still, even after all those years in the Ol’ Canoe Club, it never made me grow up!  I think the secret to happiness is not trying to change the person you love to be. Little did I know then while running around butt nekkit half the time, sharing adventures with my best girl pals, I would one day be writing stories about it. Looking back, it was crazy, senseless bullshit… great for conversation. It never meant anything at the time, as we were just a bunch of friends living our lives and making memories…

Where else but in the company of old friends could I chronicle my pain-in-the-ass adventures in hundreds of bullshit-packed installments and not be tarred and feathered and ridden out of town?

Love you gals... Did then, do now!!!