During
Bootcamp, a couple of seaman recruits were on watch and were talking in the
head, when one of the Company Commanders hollers …
"Why
do I hear voices in my head!!!!!"
… One of the Recruits replies …
"Maybe
you should go for a psych evaluation!"
Needless to say, things didn’t go well for those two Recruits!!!
I’ve
written much prose over the years about the debauchery of being a sailor and
all the highs and lows that come with it. I started running out of ideas on how
to compose even more such nonsense so I decided to take a turn and write about
some of the lessons I’d learned along the way … Lord knows there were many.
My first
six years in the ol’ Canoe Club, I didn’t know shit from shinola. I remember
hanging out with sailors who preached about their lack of military bearing while
sticking it to the man using the word “fuck” a lot. I know most of you had been
there and done that a thousand times. But some things didn’t always click with
me when I sat listening, trying to wrestle with the ideas of what was wrong or
right.
We can
talk about the political correctness that started to rear its ugly head or our
so-called leaders punching their ticket to make the next rank as they shit on
the lower half of the animal kingdom, but regardless of reason, some lessons
got traction in my life and I learned a great deal from them.
Now I
grew up short, left-handed, and born with the funny last name of “Swing.” You
can only imagine the thousand or so derivatives made into nicknames from that
alone. Not to mention I had a whole slew of “Peanuts” characters for step
siblings … Chuck, Linus, and Lucy. That ain’t no shit!
You see,
I can relate to that ol’ song by Johnny Cash, “A Boy named Sue.” I had to navigate through the hardened facts
of being a bit different, and it tends to thicken your skin when it comes to a
barrage of banter and insult. Not to mention I grew up in a time when it was
always repeated …
“Sticks
and Stones may break my Bones but words can never hurt me.”
So it never
bothered me much when people would call me “Swing-Lo Sweet Cheerio,” or
Swing-batta-batta-Swing,” or all the other nicknames associated with the mockery
of my surname. It just rolled off my back like water on a frog.
That brings
me to Master Chief Mike Oldknow. Now I was a Second Class Petty Officer at the
time, and Master Chief loved to make fun of my last name. Every time I walked
in a space …
“Hey, Teeter-Totter
Swing or there’s Swing-a-ling-a-Ding-Dong.”
But it
never bothered me. I’d heard it a million times. So I was a little surprised
when I got a real ass-chewing that kind of made my asshole pucker a bit.
Working
as a Firecontrolman, there are times when some maintenance is shared with the
Electronic Warfare guys. I don’t remember exactly what the maintenance entailed,
but I had called over the “Bitch Box” to the “EW” shack asking for EW3 Heupal. Heupal
had responded that he couldn’t talk right now as I could hear Master Chief’s voice
in the background ripping into his crew. Not thinking clearly I responded …
“Is that
Master Chief Old Nuts?”
The next
response was quite clear and concise …
“Petty
Officer Swing! Get your ass to the Ops Office pronto, and don’t stop at “GO” on
the way.”
Needless
to say, I marched down with my tail between my legs as I knew from the sound of
his voice he wasn’t happy.
I walked
into the Ops Office with Master Chief standing there, face and neck red and
flared with his eyeballs about to bulge out, and before I could get a word in,
Master Chief was ripping into me from one end to the other …
“Gauddamn
it Swing, who the fuck do you think you are? What makes you think you can get
on the Bitch Box and talk to a Master Chief that way? I’m a Guaddamned Master
Chief in the United States Navy and you are going to respect me as such … blah,
blah, blah …”
This went
on for a good five to ten minutes, and finally, he asked me what I had to say
for myself…
“But
Master Chief, you make fun of my name all the time.”
His face
got redder and his eyes bulged even more as he paced back and forth a dozen
times trying to figure out what to say. He occasionally pointed at me like he
was going to make a point, but stopped himself. I could see he was having a mental conundrum
as he tried to figure his way around this one.
Finally,
he told me to sit down as he sat in the chair next to me and says …
“Listen
Swing, I know I fiddle with your name a lot and you’re always a good sport
about it. And quite frankly you’re Oldnuts shenanigan I find kind of funny. But
I can’t let that stand in front of everybody. I have to maintain a manner of
discipline in that shop and I can’t have you getting in the way of that. It’s
something you’re going to have to learn if you want to make it far in this
Navy. Do you understand where I’m coming from?”
When he
put it in a way I could understand it was like an epiphany. It wasn’t about
tit-for-tat, but the big picture in general. When you’re young and dumb, you don’t
always see the big picture. That was a good lesson learned.
Master
Chief would chew my ass on many occasions. He would say …
“Swing, I
chew your ass because I like you and I want you to do well in this here Navy.
Just think of an ass chewin as free advice and a lesson learned in life … It
ain’t personal.”
I’ll
never forget that. I call it “Chewing at the Bit.” It’s just one of many
lessons I had to learn along the way…
After graduation from boot camp, a young sailor was looking forward to a nice relaxing train ride home. Shortly after the train left the station, a very old woman escorted by her young very pretty daughter was also looking for a seat and asked if they might share the booth with him, which of course he agreed.
After a short time, the sailor spotted his boot camp drill instructor coming down the
aisle also looking for a seat. After recognizing the sailor, the drill
instructor just helped himself to the seat next to the sailor anxious to meet
the pretty young girl. After a long while riding in silence, the train entered a
very dark long tunnel. Shortly a loud kiss was heard followed by an obvious
painful slap.
After the train exited the dark tunnel, the young daughter was very mortified
thinking one of the servicemen chose to sneak a kiss from her old ugly mother
instead of her. The mother was enjoying knowing one of the servicemen took the
opportunity to steal a kiss from her pretty young daughter.
The young sailor was enjoying seeing the drill instructor's face red while
thinking: "What a great opportunity that was, kiss my own arm and slap the
hell of my drill instructor and get away with it!"
Here’s one for all ye to see. A drunken sailor poem of the life of you and me…
He
stood there shouting at the night
At trees and all around
He stood there swaying side to side
A madness man yet proud.
He never lost his footing once
He danced a dance wild mad
I stood there watching for a while
And wondered what thing had
Made him the drunken sailor
Had made him curse the earth
Had made him babble endlessly
How long had he been berthed?
Three years sailing, sailing hard
He had been away
He was just back
Two days ashore
Had made him act this way.
I asked the drunken sailor
Was it grief or loss at sea?
His eyes gazed at me strangely
And looked quite straight through me.
Not grog he said with spitting words
Not grief and, no, not anger
Have side-showed me on solid ground
And made me my own stranger
My sea legs that have gone you see
And though this warm earth's still
I have sway from side to side
It's quite beyond my will
The rolling sea's a bitch you know
More then any lover
You ride and ride and ride it hard
And then, when you recover,
You find the sea now owns your legs
Owns too your salted soul
So, when you are back on dry land
You somehow do not know
How to stop the bucking bitch
How to be becalmed
You stand there screaming at the earth
For it to be aroused.
Without a moving deck, he said
We feel as if we're dead
It's commonplace with sailors
And we become the wrecks.
---
- David Keigh -
A Navy
Captain and a Lieutenant were walking down the sidewalk on base. Enlisted
personnel approached and saluted the officers,and the officers returned the
salute.
The Lieutenant exclaims, "You too".
The Captain wondered what it meant but said nothing. A while later, more
enlisted personnel approached and saluted the officers and the officers
returned the salute.
The Lieutenant again says, "you too".
For a third time, enlisted personnel neared close and saluted the officers. The
officers returned the salute.
The Lieutenant again says, "You too".
The Captain wheels around and asks the Lieutenant, "Lieutenant, what in
the hell is this 'you too' business?"
The Lieutenant replies, "Sir, I used to be an enlisted man. I know what
those guys are thinking".
We all know sailors have more fun with a girl in every port and all… Well here are a few toons of sailors trying to play Casanova. I hope you enjoy…
Today the
neighbor’s boy across the street asked to borrow my binoculars. I told him I
needed them because I was leaving for sea today. He said, “I know!”
When I’m
at sea I spend nights looking out my window with binoculars, back at home the
neighborhood kids are looking in.
An ugly
woman walked into the bar and my friend Jodie bought her a drink. The next day
I asked him if that was the ugliest girl he ever slept with? He said “That’s a
close call, let me think” then asked me for a picture of my wife.
I tell my
wife I want to go to a buffet dinner, she gives me directions to an orgy.
My wife
was acting grouchy. I asked if it was because I’d been home for 7 days, and she
said “No, it’s that I haven’t had sex in 8.”
My wife
only has sex with me when she wants something. Last night she wanted to make
Jodie jealous.
I got
home from sea and my wife winked at me and said “Tonight all my attention will
be on one single guy” I said “I can’t wait” and she said, “Not you, you’re
married!”
My wife
texted me tonight saying “Come here sailor, the house is empty and I’m wearing a negligee” so I went home and the place was empty.
My wife
always wants to talk during sex. Last night she called me from Jodie’s.
My
pharmacy has a faulty computer. When I left for sea I had 4 refills left on my
Viagra, when I returned four months later I had zero.
I asked
my wife if I was a good lover. She said I was one in a million!
My
neighbor Jodie called asking if he could borrow some “sexy movies” while I was
away at sea. I said “Sure, I’ll bring them over,” he said, “Don’t trouble
yourself just tell me how to work the remote.”
My wife
is ambitious. She returned to school to get a master’s degree but was thrown
out for cheating with the dean.
I came
home and my wife surprised me with a brand-new flat-screen tv. I said, “Thanks
but how can we afford it?” She used her Hilton Honors points.
My wife
keeps taking my Viagra. I said “I didn’t think it worked on women,” She said, “It doesn’t.”
Jodie
asked why I was limping and I told him that once in a blue moon, my wife kicks
me in the balls while she sleeps. The next day I ran into him at the sports
store buying a cup.
In my
bedroom, I worry. I think I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture
naked.
The only
place my wife likes having sex is in the backseat of the car, and only if I
drive.
My wife
met me at the door in a sexy negligee, unfortunately, she was coming home.
This time
home I gave my son “the talk”. I told him about the birds and the bees and he
told me about Jodie.
My wife
says we need to ground our son for stealing condoms from our nightstand. So I
talk to the kid and he says “But dad” he says “I thought you had a vasectomy?”
( Fin )
Another beautiful collection of nautical gorgeousness I hope you will enjoy…
