Blue Balls

Some of you already know that as a Salty Sea going ‘Crackerjack’ I dabble in writing ‘no-shitter’ Sea Stories from time to time!  These stories have been a magic carpet ride... They put me in touch with ol’ friends & shipmates from many years ago and that’s a gift that’s truly priceless!! 

Sooo…now that the Statute of Limitations has run out… it’s time to tell a few no shitters from my High School years! My experiences as a young lad in High School weren’t much different from my early days in the Navy… you could say I was a perfect fit for that ol’ sailor image… my days were always filled with plenty of horseplay and grab-ass!!!

Those were the last days of innocence... The days when partying… hemp induced comas… alcohol… girls… and adventurous mêlées with bra hooks and panty elastic were as good as it got!! It was a sophomoric effort of trial and error High School level gynecology and youthful idiocy at its best!! And those of you… well you know exactly what I’m talking about!!!

I recall a night… somewhere around October of 84’… hang’n out with my buddy Eddy drunkern’ a three dollar bill craving for some young lust! I had a girlfriend at the time but she was confined to the house and I was out on the lam…

So Eddy and I head over to a gal’s house he’d been hang’n out with here and there! We were invited in and there stood this gal, Renee and at the moment she was hotter than a whores wet dream with a set of sweater balloons that could make any man stupid!!!

Now before I go further I should warn you this is not the sort of story romantic novels were based on! It doesn't involve poetry…  composition…  or passionate music ballads of a Casanovian troubadour fashion… but you see, the problem with young men full of testosterone is that God gave us a brain and a penis… and enough blood to keep one of them runn’n at any given time!!!

So back to Renee…

As we got more acquainted we were about to play some doctor & patient which could ultimately lead to serious bra and panty removal in a struggle to make revolutionary medical discoveries… And after some flirtatious talk…

“Come here and give me some sugar…”

Then she asked me to stick out my tongue… wrapped her lips around it, sucked and moved closer to me and then further away before breaking into laughter. She then exclaimed…

 "I just gave your tongue a blow job… hahaha!!"

Then she decided she wanted to fool around!! Things got pretty heated when she pinned me down and proceeded to mash that pelvic bone right up against my Louisville Slugger’… and man I was hornier than a three peckered billy goat in early spring!! But hell, at sixteen who isn’t?!? 

After multiple attempts at miscalculating the buttons on her britches… I must’a dry banged her like a broken screen door in a hurricane for a good hour before I looked over and realized it was an hour passed my curfew!!

When I’d come to realize my ass was in a sling I jumped up outt’a that bed faster than a deacon in a whorehouse!

“Gosh… Dang… Dern… my ol’ man is gonna kill me… and I wanted it soooo bad!!”

I thought I was fix’n to go down that rabbit hole but someth’n got the better of me and I was grabb’n Eddy and head’n for the door!!! We’d said our goodbyes and turned the corner of the road when all the sudden I could hardly walk! I kept falling down in the road… bushes… sand spurs... hell anywhere convenient at the moment!! Eddy had no choice but to baby-sit my wretched ass!!!

“Eddy… something’s wrong with me man… My balls are killing me!”

“What’s wrong with you man?”

“OOOOOOOH… I dunno man… it feels like someone’s kicking me in the nuts!!!”

He quickly realized I wasn’t going anywhere fast! My house was a good several blocks away, so we started back!! I made it about ten steps before falling to my knees, and decided to take the fetal position on the sidewalk…

Being an averaged sized fella, about a buck fifty soak & wet! Eddy was about the same size… he weight his options, then hoisted my ass over his shoulder and started for home!!

I guess in his inebriated state he was losing control… for the next two blocks he started dragg’n my happy ass through the grass whenever possible!! He'd shift me from hand to hand slick’n me through the mud and water puddles… I must’a looked pretty gauddamned awful.

Another block and he’d be done carry’n me! Between the physical strain of carrying another man for a half mile & listening to me cry & moan he must’a been pretty gaudamned pissed off!! Using his foot… he rolled me over a couple times down the road... until we’d finally reached my house…

“Eddy!! My Balls man… my Balls!!... Oh God it hurts!!!”

He was done. He couldn't leave me on the porch! He feverishly knocked on the door… until finally my Dad opens it up…

“What’s the problem… you know it’s two hours past your curfew!”

“Mr. Swing something’s wrong with your son…”

“Dad… My Balls… it feels like someone’s kicking my Balls!!”

“Just get your ass in the house and go to bed…”

“But you don’t understand… they really hurt… I need a Doctor!”

“You’ll be fine in the morning… I promise!”

So Eddy hauls me into the door and props me up against the wall…. apologizes profusely, and heads off into the distance… meanwhile I’m lying there crying and whimpering in pain!!

Finally I crawled through the hallway and slowly got into bed for all of what seemed an eternity feel’n like my balls were continuously gett’n crushed in a vice!!

Sooo… the next morning as I awoke with the pain and suffering still on my mind while doing the typical shit, shower & shave routine when I headed out to the kitchen and there was my stepmother in her robe with coffee and newspaper in hand just’a  bust’n out laughing…

“I can’t believe your father didn’t tell you to take a cold shower or wank one off!”

I can still feel the kaleidoscope of animated facial expressions coming on as my face was turning bright red!! This was coming from my Step Mother for crying out loud!!!

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh you don’t know son? You had a classic case of the ‘Blue Balls’ last night!”

Me perplexed…

“What the hell are the ‘Blue Balls?”

“It’s when you’re a young man and you get all sexually worked up over nothing!!”

Yeah, I walked away about as pissed, humiliated and confused as I’d ever been… but one thing was for damned sure! I’d a rather jumped barefoot off a six foot step ladder into a bucket of porcupines covered in buzzard shit than live through that again!!!

And when I got to school… I could only wish the night before had never happened! Before I knew it Eddy had told Danny… Danny told Steve… Steve told Jeff… and Jeff told everybody about the ‘Blue Balls!!’ Yeah, you know what they say about wish’n… ‘You can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets filled the fastest!!!’

And my girlfriend you ask?!? Of course she found out the whole damned shebang… She was  so full of piss & vinegar, and I couldn’t say shit if I had a mouthful!! I was lying like a snake in the grass try’n to explain myself… but to no avail!!!

And Renee… she was colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra! She didn’t want noth’n to do with a boy with that kind’a reputation going around!! Boy did I feel dumber than snot… and for the next three or four months I was known as ‘Blue Balls’ amongst all my friends… until then next incident but that’s another story!!!

Yep, that whole damned episode went down like a loud fart in church… and it was embarrassing as I’ll get… but looking back it was funnier than hell!! Yes in life you win some and you lose some… sometimes feel’n like you just got away with robb’n the cookie jar… and no one was ever the wiser!! There’s something wonderful about them ol’ memories… just hope I don’t get the old timers sickness and forget it all one day… suppose that’s why I write them down and pass them along!! Just hitchhiking through the past… intimate moments in time that made us who we are and ever will be!!!

Navy Doodle

I was a doodler before I started writing... 

‘Introducing The Venerable Venereal’

Any of you ol’ Salts remember the VD videos and instruction we all endured as ‘Rickies’ in Boot Camp… blisters, boils, puss, canker sores, Gouda cheese look’n Gonorrhea and warts that looked like French Ticklers from an alien porn?!? It kind’a makes you wonder what visual aids they used before training films were invented…

I heard many a horror story… but this tale of origin refers to how clap got its name! As legend goes… the resident ‘Dick Doc’ would clear the clap by slamming the ol’ appendage between the center pages of a book by way of clapping the book ends together… or as the narrative goes the ‘Dick Doc’ would say…

“We’ll cure this affliction the ol’ fashion way!”

… as the Doc would tell the infected to place his member on the table, turn his head and read the chart on the bulkhead… while reading aloud…

“You got the clap the ol’ fashion way and I cure it the ol’ fashion way!”

… and before he knew what hitt’em the Doc had smashed a rubber mallet over his one-eyed purple headed mutton dagger as puss just shot out the pee hole!!! After the scream’n seaman was calm enough to climb down from the overhead… Doc handed him some pills and sent him on his way!!!

In later years I was prevaricated to the notion of a Spring Loaded Applicator called the ‘Silver Stallion’ they stuck up your piss hole and when fully inserted a series of tiny like fish hooks were triggered as the applicator was promptly pulled back out… OUCH…EGAD… Holy SHIT that hurts…  YEAH, tell me that doesn’t hurt…  just hearing about it!!! 

Then there was the tale of the dreaded ‘Black Clap’ many an ol’ crusty salt would tell tall tales about! As the tale of fallacy goes there was a nasty strain of gonorrhea in the Orient that fed on penicillin and was so lethal that its victims were regularly shipped to an island off the coast of South Vietnam called ‘Poulo-Condore’ where said victim would either suffer an excruciating demise or miraculously be healed by the pharmaceutical Wonders of the World!! True or False… you decide…

And one legend not so entangled in fable would be the gigantic syringe used for the white milky syrup like penicillin shots!! Corpsman loading up everything they had to ram that hypodermic needle into the meaty flesh of a shipmates ass!! With an applicator the size of a grease gun and what appeared to be brass knuckles for a handle… these devices were meant for pain… pushing that penicillin goo all the way through!! But an unlucky shippy in need of such medicine was eagerly willing to endure such formalities after days… sometimes weeks of clutching urinal pipes in complete agony!!!

Yep… I heard all about those horror stories and more… but I’d never seen anything like the ‘Black Clap’… Medieval like Spring Loaded fishhook devices or Clap Lines that stretched two hangar bays long across midship of a carrier!!

Back aboard and two weeks underway from that last liberty port Crackerjacks start trad’n tales and sea stories when the trouble would begin… swollen testicles… rancid discharge… cankers & sores!! All the sudden it’s a gauddamned carnival of cocks on the binnacle report and the Skippers raising hell ‘cause’ there’s still a box full of unused ‘Goodyear’ condoms on the Quarterdeck!!

Then was the first consultation with the Corpsman! An Independent Duty Corpsman is as good as a Pre-Ordained Doc you’ll ever need anywhere you go underway…  Crotch Critters, jungle itch, tattoo infections, rolled on the beach, fell blind from beer goggles and caught some form of the clap that’d make your dick turn green and fall right off… these fellas could identify and treat just about anything… just pull out a petri dish… say a few words of ‘Voodoo’ and tell you which exotic port you got it from!!!

These guys were good... damned good! We never articulated such nonsense as their heads might explode!!!  You see Navy Corpsmen are nicknamed ‘Pecker Checkers’ & ‘Penis Machinists’ for a reason…. they spend more time examining the innards of the urethra walls than passing out motrin or cold packs!!!

"Seaman Stain…”

“Yes Chief….(wincing in pain)”

“Get your scrawny little ass up here and show the Division what that lil’ LBFM gave you!"

And with that he drew out the appropriate tonic from his bag of magic tricks and cured all from the worst ailments...

That’s setting an example in true form… and LBFM you ask?!? For those of you of a younger generation of swashbucklers, that would be Little Brown Fucking Machines… the more endearing term dubbed to the Filipina Hostesses from days gone by!!!

Yeah… you didn’t wanna fail a Short Arm Inspection... the swab down the urethra for drippy dick’s sake!! But if you did… it was plenty of embarrassment and banter from your fellow shipmates!! Still… it was never quite a clap line stretching two hangar bays across midship!!!

Many a liberty brief was held by the Chief just before the brow was put down…

"This place has got whores transport’n every kind’a bug, itch and VD ever created!"

“Son if you’re real smart you’ll find yourself a good Organ Grinder!”

“Chief, what the hell is an Organ Grinder?”

“That there is one of them Asian Hookers past her prime and missing teeth... dentures are fine, they pop out! Just make sure she ain’t got no cancroids on her lips… or you’ll catch the gift that keeps on giving… you know… herpes!” Last time I was here I’d caught the clap… paid a hundred dineros for that shit! That and two weeks restriction to the boat… and that ain’t no shit!!!”

Yes… in some den of iniquity lay the kind of girls who line up just to give stupid Americans the kind of memories they’ll never forget… one last memory… one last dose of gonorrhea!!!

Underway a few days after liberty… bets would be made on just how many folks would be head’n up the line to sick call! No matter what ship you were on… if you’d been to Subic… Pattaya… Puson… Hong Kong… Phuket… Singapore… it was all the same!! Beware of the Red Light ‘Suzie Wong’ Soi Cowboy District….

“Hey Smitty, how can you tell if a hooker really has VD?”

“Don’t know?!?”

“Can’t tell her clit from the cankers!”

Or…

“Smitty, what’s green and eats nuts?”

“Don’t know?!?”

“Gonorrhea Dumby!”

To give you an idea of what it was like… An ol’ Chief walks in to see the ‘Doc’ with dried up green seaman stains on his whitey tighties…

“Doc, I think I got the Clap!”

Doc says…

“What makes you think you got the Clap Chief?”

“Listen Doc… I’ve been around a long time and I’ve had this shit a enough times to know what it is!”

Doc asks…

“Chief, do you know where you were at or who you’d been with to catch it?”

… to that the Chief exclaims…

“Hell Doc I don’t know… we were there ten days and I only remember two of ‘em!”

So what is the lesson here boys and girls to keep from catching the dreaded Gona-Sifa-Herpilitis?!? Doc always had those ‘Goodyear’ sized condoms on the Quarterdeck free for the taking… so put it on before you put it in!! Be smart… and never split the bill when it comes to prostitutes… you’ll be sharing a lot more in the end if you know what I mean!! Nice girls do not get Gonorrhea, they get Herpes… so you’re screwed either way!! And when you’re wild and willing and living life overseas like it’s an adult Disneyland… you’d better where a condom over your head… ‘cause if you’re gonna act like a dick then you might as well dress like one!!!

"The Case of The Inflatable Infected Doll"

The case of the gonorrhea-giving inflatable doll 

(a.k.a. the worst medical mystery ever)

Doctors are often confronted with less-than-savory aspects of the human condition. In the following medical paper, two doctors must solve the enigma of two sailors, one inflatable doll, and a communal case of the clap.

This mystery is plumbed in Ellen Kleist and Harald Moi's Ig Nobel Prize-winning paper ("Transmission of Gonorrhea Through an Inflatable Doll") from a 1996 volume of Genitourinary Medicine (NCBI). In this brief study, the authors recount the mystery of a sailor who had picked up gonorrhea at sea:

The skipper from a trawler, who had been 3 months at sea, sought advice for urethral discharge. His symptoms had lasted for two weeks. A urethral smear showed typical intracellular gram-negative diplococci, and a culture was positive for N gonorrhoeae. There had been no woman onboard the trawler; he denied homosexual contacts; and there was no doubt that the onset of the symptoms was more than two months after leaving the port.

With some hesitation, he told the story. A few days before onset of his symptoms, he had roused the engineer in his cabin during the night because of engine trouble. After the engineer had left his cabin, the skipper found an inflatable doll with artificial vagina in his bed, and he was tempted to have "intercourse" with the doll. His complaints started a few days after this episode. The engineer was examined, and was found to have gonorrhoea. He had observed a mild urethral discharge since they left port, but he had not been treated with antibiotics. He admitted to having ejaculated into the "vagina" of the doll just before the skipper called him, without washing the doll afterwards.

So there you have it. Medical proof that sneaking into an acquaintance's chamber and having unprotected sex with his or her inflatable sex doll is downright not advisable — this goes double for sailors. I hope you've all learned an important lesson today.

Ship's Wheel

An ol’ Salt walked into a bar with a ship's wheel stuffed into the front of his pants.

Bartender says…

 "Isn't that uncomfortable?"

To which the Ol’ Salt says…

"Aye... it's driving me nuts!!!"

Ol’ Chiefs Are Honorable

 

One day, while an Ol’ Navy Chief was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked...

“Why are you crying?”

The Ol’ Chief replied that his axe had fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The Ol’ Chief replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.

“Is this your axe?” the lord asked.

Again the Ol’ Chief replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The Ol’ Chief replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the Ol’ Chief’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the Ol’ Chief went went on his merry way happy.

Sometime later the Ol’ Chief was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him...

“Why are you crying?” “Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.

“Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the Ol’ Chief.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The Ol’ Chief replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Angelina Jolie, you would have come up with Cameron Diaz. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am poor old seagoing Master Chief, and am not able to take care of all three wives in a way that they should be, so that’s why I said yes to Angelina Jolie.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a Navy Chief lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others...  That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

THE WINE TASTER

 

A sign was posted at the entrance to a wine merchant's warehouse building...

"EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED"

"POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY"

 

A retired ole’ Navy Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look and smelling of last night's rounds, strolled by the building and saw the sign. He went into the building to apply for the position.

Aghast at his appearance, the director wondered how to send him away but, to be fair, he gave him a glass of wine to taste.

The old Chief held the glass up to his left eye, tilted his head toward incoming sunlight and studied the contents looking through the glass. He then took a sip and said, "It's a Southern California Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Somewhat low-grade but acceptable."

"That's correct," said the boss. Glancing at his blonde assistant he said..."Another one, please."

The Chief took the goblet, full of a deep red liquid, stuck his nose into the glass, sniffed deeply and took a long slow sip....rolling his eyeballs in a circle, he then looked at the director and said..."It's a cabernet sauvignon, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass." said the director.

Receiving another glass, again, the Chief eyed the crystal, took in a little bit of the aroma and sipped very softly....''It's a pinot blanc champagne, very high grade and exclusive,'' said the drunk calmly.

The director was astonished and winked at his young assistant to suggest something.

She left the room and came back in with a wine glass half-full of urine.

The old Navy Chief eyed it suspiciously...the color he could not quite recall. He took a sniff, touched it to his tongue, held it over a candle then up to the light, then closed his eyes and said, ...

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job,

............ I'll name the father."

 

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE TALENTS OF A NAVY CHIEF PETTY OFFICER....