Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Blue Balls

Some of you already know that as a Salty Sea going ‘Crackerjack’ I dabble in writing ‘no-shitter’ Sea Stories from time to time!  These stories have been a magic carpet ride... They put me in touch with ol’ friends & shipmates from many years ago and that’s a gift that’s truly priceless!! 

Sooo…now that the Statute of Limitations has run out… it’s time to tell a few no shitters from my High School years! My experiences as a young lad in High School weren’t much different from my early days in the Navy… you could say I was a perfect fit for that ol’ sailor image… my days were always filled with plenty of horseplay and grab-ass!!!

Those were the last days of innocence... The days when partying… hemp induced comas… alcohol… girls… and adventurous mêlées with bra hooks and panty elastic were as good as it got!! It was a sophomoric effort of trial and error High School level gynecology and youthful idiocy at its best!! And those of you… well you know exactly what I’m talking about!!!

I recall a night… somewhere around October of 84’… hang’n out with my buddy Eddy drunkern’ a three dollar bill craving for some young lust! I had a girlfriend at the time but she was confined to the house and I was out on the lam…

So Eddy and I head over to a gal’s house he’d been hang’n out with here and there! We were invited in and there stood this gal, Renee and at the moment she was hotter than a whores wet dream with a set of sweater balloons that could make any man stupid!!!

Now before I go further I should warn you this is not the sort of story romantic novels were based on! It doesn't involve poetry…  composition…  or passionate music ballads of a Casanovian troubadour fashion… but you see, the problem with young men full of testosterone is that God gave us a brain and a penis… and enough blood to keep one of them runn’n at any given time!!!

So back to Renee…

As we got more acquainted we were about to play some doctor & patient which could ultimately lead to serious bra and panty removal in a struggle to make revolutionary medical discoveries… And after some flirtatious talk…
“Come here and give me some sugar…”

Then she asked me to stick out my tongue… wrapped her lips around it, sucked and moved closer to me and then further away before breaking into laughter. She then exclaimed…

 "I just gave your tongue a blow job… hahaha!!"

Then she decided she wanted to fool around!! Things got pretty heated when she pinned me down and proceeded to mash that pelvic bone right up against my Louisville Slugger’… and man I was hornier than a three peckered billy goat in early spring!! But hell, at sixteen who isn’t?!? 
After multiple attempts at miscalculating the buttons on her britches… I must’a dry banged her like a broken screen door in a hurricane for a good hour before I looked over and realized it was an hour passed my curfew!!

When I’d come to realize my ass was in a sling I jumped up outt’a that bed faster than a deacon in a whorehouse!

“Gosh… Dang… Dern… my ol’ man is gonna kill me… and I wanted it soooo bad!!”

I thought I was fix’n to go down that rabbit hole but someth’n got the better of me and I was grabb’n Eddy and head’n for the door!!! We’d said our goodbyes and turned the corner of the road when all the sudden I could hardly walk! I kept falling down in the road… bushes… sand spurs... hell anywhere convenient at the moment!! Eddy had no choice but to baby-sit my wretched ass!!!

“Eddy… something’s wrong with me man… My balls are killing me!”

“What’s wrong with you man?”

“OOOOOOOH… I dunno man… it feels like someone’s kicking me in the nuts!!!”

He quickly realized I wasn’t going anywhere fast! My house was a good several blocks away, so we started back!! I made it about ten steps before falling to my knees, and decided to take the fetal position on the sidewalk…

Being an averaged sized fella, about a buck fifty soak & wet! Eddy was about the same size… he weight his options, then hoisted my ass over his shoulder and started for home!!

I guess in his inebriated state he was losing control… for the next two blocks he started dragg’n my happy ass through the grass whenever possible!! He'd shift me from hand to hand slick’n me through the mud and water puddles… I must’a looked pretty gauddamned awful.

Another block and he’d be done carry’n me! Between the physical strain of carrying another man for a half mile & listening to me cry & moan he must’a been pretty gaudamned pissed off!! Using his foot… he rolled me over a couple times down the road... until we’d finally reached my house…
“Eddy!! My Balls man… my Balls!!... Oh God it hurts!!!”

He was done. He couldn't leave me on the porch! He feverishly knocked on the door… until finally my Dad opens it up…
“What’s the problem… you know it’s two hours past your curfew!”
“Mr. Swing something’s wrong with your son…”
“Dad… My Balls… it feels like someone’s kicking my Balls!!”
“Just get your ass in the house and go to bed…”
“But you don’t understand… they really hurt… I need a Doctor!”
“You’ll be fine in the morning… I promise!”
So Eddy hauls me into the door and props me up against the wall…. apologizes profusely, and heads off into the distance… meanwhile I’m lying there crying and whimpering in pain!!
Finally I crawled through the hallway and slowly got into bed for all of what seemed an eternity feel’n like my balls were continuously gett’n crushed in a vice!!
Sooo… the next morning as I awoke with the pain and suffering still on my mind while doing the typical shit, shower & shave routine when I headed out to the kitchen and there was my stepmother in her robe with coffee and newspaper in hand just’a  bust’n out laughing…
“I can’t believe your father didn’t tell you to take a cold shower or wank one off!”
I can still feel the kaleidoscope of animated facial expressions coming on as my face was turning bright red!! This was coming from my Step Mother for crying out loud!!!

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh you don’t know son? You had a classic case of the ‘Blue Balls’ last night!”

Me perplexed…

“What the hell are the ‘Blue Balls?”

“It’s when you’re a young man and you get all sexually worked up over nothing!!”

Yeah, I walked away about as pissed, humiliated and confused as I’d ever been… but one thing was for damned sure! I’d a rather jumped barefoot off a six foot step ladder into a bucket of porcupines covered in buzzard shit than live through that again!!!

And when I got to school… I could only wish the night before had never happened! Before I knew it Eddy had told Danny… Danny told Steve… Steve told Jeff… and Jeff told everybody about the ‘Blue Balls!!’ Yeah, you know what they say about wish’n… ‘You can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets filled the fastest!!!’

And my girlfriend you ask?!? Of course she found out the whole damned shebang… She was  so full of piss & vinegar, and I couldn’t say shit if I had a mouthful!! I was lying like a snake in the grass try’n to explain myself… but to no avail!!!

And Renee… she was colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra! She didn’t want noth’n to do with a boy with that kind’a reputation going around!! Boy did I feel dumber than snot… and for the next three or four months I was known as ‘Blue Balls’ amongst all my friends… until then next incident but that’s another story!!!

Yep, that whole damned episode went down like a loud fart in church… and it was embarrassing as I’ll get… but looking back it was funnier than hell!! Yes in life you win some and you lose some… sometimes feel’n like you just got away with robb’n the cookie jar… and no one was ever the wiser!! There’s something wonderful about them ol’ memories… just hope I don’t get the old timers sickness and forget it all one day… suppose that’s why I write them down and pass them along!! Just hitchhiking through the past… intimate moments in time that made us who we are and ever will be!!!

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