Tuesday, March 12, 2013

‘Introducing The Venerable Venereal’

Any of you ol’ Salts remember the VD videos and instruction we all endured as ‘Rickies’ in Boot Camp… blisters, boils, puss, canker sores, Gouda cheese look’n Gonorrhea and warts that looked like French Ticklers from an alien porn?!? It kind’a makes you wonder what visual aids they used before training films were invented…
I heard many a horror story… but this tale of origin refers to how clap got its name! As legend goes… the resident ‘Dick Doc’ would clear the clap by slamming the ol’ appendage between the center pages of a book by way of clapping the book ends together… or as the narrative goes the ‘Dick Doc’ would say…
“We’ll cure this affliction the ol’ fashion way!”
… as the Doc would tell the infected to place his member on the table, turn his head and read the chart on the bulkhead… while reading aloud…
“You got the clap the ol’ fashion way and I cure it the ol’ fashion way!”
… and before he knew what hitt’em the Doc had smashed a rubber mallet over his one-eyed purple headed mutton dagger as puss just shot out the pee hole!!! After the scream’n seaman was calm enough to climb down from the overhead… Doc handed him some pills and sent him on his way!!!
In later years I was prevaricated to the notion of a Spring Loaded Applicator called the ‘Silver Stallion’ they stuck up your piss hole and when fully inserted a series of tiny like fish hooks were triggered as the applicator was promptly pulled back out… OUCH…EGAD… Holy SHIT that hurts…  YEAH, tell me that doesn’t hurt…  just hearing about it!!! 
Then there was the tale of the dreaded ‘Black Clap’ many an ol’ crusty salt would tell tall tales about! As the tale of fallacy goes there was a nasty strain of gonorrhea in the Orient that fed on penicillin and was so lethal that its victims were regularly shipped to an island off the coast of South Vietnam called ‘Poulo-Condore’ where said victim would either suffer an excruciating demise or miraculously be healed by the pharmaceutical Wonders of the World!! True or False… you decide…
And one legend not so entangled in fable would be the gigantic syringe used for the white milky syrup like penicillin shots!! Corpsman loading up everything they had to ram that hypodermic needle into the meaty flesh of a shipmates ass!! With an applicator the size of a grease gun and what appeared to be brass knuckles for a handle… these devices were meant for pain… pushing that penicillin goo all the way through!! But an unlucky shippy in need of such medicine was eagerly willing to endure such formalities after days… sometimes weeks of clutching urinal pipes in complete agony!!!
Yep… I heard all about those horror stories and more… but I’d never seen anything like the ‘Black Clap’… Medieval like Spring Loaded fishhook devices or Clap Lines that stretched two hangar bays long across midship of a carrier!!
Back aboard and two weeks underway from that last liberty port Crackerjacks start trad’n tales and sea stories when the trouble would begin… swollen testicles… rancid discharge… cankers & sores!! All the sudden it’s a gauddamned carnival of cocks on the binnacle report and the Skippers raising hell ‘cause’ there’s still a box full of unused ‘Goodyear’ condoms on the Quarterdeck!!
Then was the first consultation with the Corpsman! An Independent Duty Corpsman is as good as a Pre-Ordained Doc you’ll ever need anywhere you go underway…  Crotch Critters, jungle itch, tattoo infections, rolled on the beach, fell blind from beer goggles and caught some form of the clap that’d make your dick turn green and fall right off… these fellas could identify and treat just about anything… just pull out a petri dish… say a few words of ‘Voodoo’ and tell you which exotic port you got it from!!!
These guys were good... damned good! We never articulated such nonsense as their heads might explode!!!  You see Navy Corpsmen are nicknamed ‘Pecker Checkers’ & ‘Penis Machinists’ for a reason…. they spend more time examining the innards of the urethra walls than passing out motrin or cold packs!!!
"Seaman Stain…”

“Yes Chief….(wincing in pain)”

“Get your scrawny little ass up here and show the Division what that lil’ LBFM gave you!"

And with that he drew out the appropriate tonic from his bag of magic tricks and cured all from the worst ailments...

That’s setting an example in true form… and LBFM you ask?!? For those of you of a younger generation of swashbucklers, that would be Little Brown Fucking Machines… the more endearing term dubbed to the Filipina Hostesses from days gone by!!!

Yeah… you didn’t wanna fail a Short Arm Inspection... the swab down the urethra for drippy dick’s sake!! But if you did… it was plenty of embarrassment and banter from your fellow shipmates!! Still… it was never quite a clap line stretching two hangar bays across midship!!!

Many a liberty brief was held by the Chief just before the brow was put down…

"This place has got whores transport’n every kind’a bug, itch and VD ever created!"
“Son if you’re real smart you’ll find yourself a good Organ Grinder!”
“Chief, what the hell is an Organ Grinder?”
“That there is one of them Asian Hookers past her prime and missing teeth... dentures are fine, they pop out! Just make sure she ain’t got no cancroids on her lips… or you’ll catch the gift that keeps on giving… you know… herpes!” Last time I was here I’d caught the clap… paid a hundred dineros for that shit! That and two weeks restriction to the boat… and that ain’t no shit!!!”
Yes… in some den of iniquity lay the kind of girls who line up just to give stupid Americans the kind of memories they’ll never forget… one last memory… one last dose of gonorrhea!!!

Underway a few days after liberty… bets would be made on just how many folks would be head’n up the line to sick call! No matter what ship you were on… if you’d been to Subic… Pattaya… Puson… Hong Kong… Phuket… Singapore… it was all the same!! Beware of the Red Light ‘Suzie Wong’ Soi Cowboy District….

“Hey Smitty, how can you tell if a hooker really has VD?”

“Don’t know?!?”

“Can’t tell her clit from the cankers!”


“Smitty, what’s green and eats nuts?”

“Don’t know?!?”

“Gonorrhea Dumby!”

To give you an idea of what it was like… An ol’ Chief walks in to see the ‘Doc’ with dried up green seaman stains on his whitey tighties…

“Doc, I think I got the Clap!”

Doc says…

“What makes you think you got the Clap Chief?”

“Listen Doc… I’ve been around a long time and I’ve had this shit a enough times to know what it is!”

Doc asks…

“Chief, do you know where you were at or who you’d been with to catch it?”

… to that the Chief exclaims…

“Hell Doc I don’t know… we were there ten days and I only remember two of ‘em!”

So what is the lesson here boys and girls to keep from catching the dreaded Gona-Sifa-Herpilitis?!? Doc always had those ‘Goodyear’ sized condoms on the Quarterdeck free for the taking… so put it on before you put it in!! Be smart… and never split the bill when it comes to prostitutes… you’ll be sharing a lot more in the end if you know what I mean!! Nice girls do not get Gonorrhea, they get Herpes… so you’re screwed either way!! And when you’re wild and willing and living life overseas like it’s an adult Disneyland… you’d better where a condom over your head… ‘cause if you’re gonna act like a dick then you might as well dress like one!!!


  1. The man speaks the truth!!

  2. Or the dreaded non-specific urethritis leading to epididymitis (inflammation of the testicle surface). Nothing in the pharmacy worked on one poor squid.

  3. The ship's chaplain had gotten to the old man - condoms promote sin and that's bad for your soul. So no free condoms and we treated more cases of VD than the ship's complement. Should have just put the yellow quarantine flag up. What a mess.